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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 120 to 144 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:41:24
In reply to Dear diary May 28, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
Ilene,
The dress does sound wonderful (of course I'm a less blazing redhead with blue/green eyes, so of course I would say that.)Congrats to your daughter, and to YOU for her graduating. You must be so proud.
I think everyone has an unrequited love; mine's from 20 years ago, too. I still occasinally wonder how my life would be different if things had worked out with him, but I also think my hubbie is the one for me. But curiousity is fine. It's what you do with the knowledge you gain that can be more dangerous.
You know I didn't buy gas on May 19, the supposed gas boycott day. Of course the next day gas had jumped almost 30 cents per gallon! ARGH! I hate playing gas roulette. What day? What time of day? What station? At what point do I use too much gas trying to figure this out? AAAGH! How about universal gas prices, posted each day in the paper?
Take care,
gg
Posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 20:11:12
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
Posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
In reply to Dear diary May 28, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
I got lots of sleep last night, so I wasn't tired all day. But I didn't eat so good--lots of junque (a higher class of food than junk).
Had to re-learn how to use the digital camera to take pictures of my daughter in her prom dress. Had enough sense to charge up some batteries in the early afternoon, but the charger didn't work so well. Is it reasonable to be mad at someone because he set the battery charger next to a window, and it gets dusty and then doesn't work so well? Probably not. But I was anyway.
Mad at my son, too, for not cleaning the bathroom. Again, probably not very reasonable, but I want the bathroom clean, and if I have to monitor him I might as well do it myself. He responds to neither carrot nor stick unless they are direct and immediate.
Thinking about having been an unpopular kid, and how I still want the popular kids to want to be my friend. Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 13:43:15
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 28, posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:41:24
> Ilene,
> The dress does sound wonderful (of course I'm a less blazing redhead with blue/green eyes, so of course I would say that.)
>
> Congrats to your daughter, and to YOU for her graduating. You must be so proud.
>
I thought I replied with my thoughts on this, but now I can't find it. Maybe I didn't post it?I seem to lack the gene for pride in events like this, but now I'm getting into it--just as a celebration. I was (still am) so self-conscious, and such a perfectionist, that nothing shy of the complete adoration of all my teachers would ever satisfy me.
I never even considered going to the prom when I was in high school. I don't think anyone I knew did. We were all countercultural hippies. I didn't even go to graduation. I still don't like massive ceremonies.
I took some pictures of my daughter. She doesn't like them. At first I didn't like them either, because she's sort of pale and dumpy. Not "sort of"--she's a little chub. But I sent one to her dad, and he replied with, "She's beautiful", and now I'm starting to see her that way too.
She said she had a great time at the prom and the afterprom.
> I think everyone has an unrequited love; mine's from 20 years ago, too. I still occasinally wonder how my life would be different if things had worked out with him, but I also think my hubbie is the one for me. But curiousity is fine. It's what you do with the knowledge you gain that can be more dangerous.
>This is a pretty serious case. Not only was he the sexiest man on earth, and the best in bed, but he was a whole slew of things I'm not, and still want to be. It was the deepest rejection I ever experienced. I wish I could figure out how to make it go away, accept myself for what I am, and accept my life for what it's been.
> You know I didn't buy gas on May 19, the supposed gas boycott day. Of course the next day gas had jumped almost 30 cents per gallon! ARGH! I hate playing gas roulette. What day? What time of day? What station? At what point do I use too much gas trying to figure this out? AAAGH! How about universal gas prices, posted each day in the paper?
>I don't know anything about gas boycott day.
I.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 14:08:35
In reply to Dear diary May 29, posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
> Was anyone here a Popular Kid?I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 14:48:11
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29, posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 14:08:35
>
> > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
>
> I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.What was it like?
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 15:49:28
In reply to Dear diary May 29, posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
Today is actually May 31, but I had kind of a physical melt-down yesterday and didn't have the energy to post. At least I got to bed at a reasonable time.
I figured my daughter wouldn't be very conscious in the morning, it being the morning after her senior prom, so my son and I snuck out to get her a birthday present (and graduation present, and father's day present). Our favorite place to get presents is the Daedalus Book Warehouse
http://www.daedalusbooks.com/Main/Help/WareHouseOutlet.asp
because we are book junkies.I don't give my son his entire allowance; it's the only way I can get him to not spend it all on junk food. This way he has enough to spend on special things for himself and presents for other people.
We took one of our neighbors with us. He doesn't have a lot of friends in the neighborhood because he's a little nutty--he went ballistic about barking dogs a couple of years ago, which alienated a lot of folks--and I suspect he's had some other public eccentricities that pre-date my arrival. But unlike some other people around here he's smart and has some interesting things to talk about. Anyway, he was curious about the place.
We got books for everyone, and I got a couple for myself. I started reading one called "Warrior Women", which is Archaeology Lite. A good thing it's not demanding, because I got very hungry in the store, and was overwhelmed with dizziness and exhaustion soon after we got home, which lasted the rest of the day. I tried to do some laundry but just wasn't up to it.
Feeling sick brought up all the distress and anxiety I have about my physical and emotional disabilities, but at least the book was a distraction, sort of--the author got her undergraduate degree at age 49 and then went on to become an archaeologist, which can be physically demanding. I've had a life-long interest in archaeology and even went to a field school when I was a teenager, but reading about the field conditions in central Asia made me feel my lack of strength and stamina all the more. I know on one level that my ailments are *not my fault* but I feel like I should be able to overcome them anyway. (This is why I hate "inspirational" stories.)
I feel like I've hit a wall, meds wise. I know I'm way improved over where I was a couple of months ago, but now the improvement is over, and I feel I'm backsliding. I'm getting frightened. Is this all there is?
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 17:13:17
In reply to A normal life, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:06
I was younger, so I didn't have the thoughts of growing old and having lived a void instead of a life.
>
IleneThat's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
AG
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 18:26:45
In reply to Re: A normal life » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 17:13:17
> That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
>
> AG
>
>
Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?I.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:32:45
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29 » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 14:48:11
> > > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
> >
> > I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
>
> What was it like?It's real hard to remember, but I think it felt kind of powerful. Other times I have a feeling I just felt insecure like everyone does at that age. You never feel quite good enough. But it was cool knowing that everyone else in the class wished they were as cool as me and my best friend. (That's what being popular is: when everybody else thinks you're the coolest. Isn't it?)
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:03:26
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29 » Ilene, posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:32:45
> > > > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
> > >
> > > I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
> >
> > What was it like?
>
> It's real hard to remember, but I think it felt kind of powerful. Other times I have a feeling I just felt insecure like everyone does at that age. You never feel quite good enough. But it was cool knowing that everyone else in the class wished they were as cool as me and my best friend. (That's what being popular is: when everybody else thinks you're the coolest. Isn't it?)
>
>
It's especially when the cool kids think you're a cool kid, and want to talk to you and be around you. You're neither invisible nor teased.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 20:10:42
In reply to Popular kid, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:03:26
yeah that's what happened to me. i think it was kind of nice.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:12:39
In reply to Dear diary May 30, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 15:49:28
> I feel like I've hit a wall, meds wise. I know I'm way improved over where I was a couple of months ago, but now the improvement is over, and I feel I'm backsliding. I'm getting frightened. Is this all there is?
IleneI too, find that my improvement has stopped and that I'm backsliding. I sure hope this isn't all there is.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:13:57
In reply to Re: A normal life, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 18:26:45
> > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> >
> > AG
> >
> >
> Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
>
> I.
At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.AG
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:34:16
In reply to Re: A normal life, posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:13:57
> > > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> > >
> > > AG
> > >
> > >
> > Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
> >
> > I.
>
>
> At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.
>
> AGI don't want to wallow. I'd rather do something else.
I.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:37:06
In reply to Re: A normal life » Angel Girl, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:34:16
> > > > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> > > >
> > > > AG
> > > >
> > > >
> > > Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
> > >
> > > I.
> >
> >
> > At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.
> >
> > AG
>
> I don't want to wallow. I'd rather do something else.
>
> I.
>
Me too, the question is what? I have no idea.AG
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:47:59
In reply to Dear diary May 30, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 15:49:28
It really is May 31, I'm back on track.
I was depressed and anxious earlier, but I'm feeling more normal now. I'm also very tired. It's only about 9:40. I can't decide if this is good or not. Left over from yesterday?
I was going to pursue some issues but now I'd rather not. I'll save them for a more energetic moment.
I managed to do a reasonable amount of stuff today--a little laundry, some packing of the car with things-going-to-Value-Village, some research on Lincoln's re-election for my son (there is very little on the Web about Lincoln's re-election). He's being his sweet self, but I haven't seen any actual work toward his paper. My daughter's BF came over and they watched West Side Story.
I had a long and anxiety-ridden phone conversation with my husband over some things I said yesterday. I stuff my foot in my mouth when I'm not feeling well.
I don't know if I'm getting a sex toy for my birthday or a Hello Kitty toaster. There is supposed to be a Hello Kitty vibrator on the market. Ah, the Japanese imagination... With what ADs do to me, I'd be content with a Hello Kitty espresso machine.
Y'all can take up a collection.
Posted by crushedout on June 1, 2004, at 7:09:52
In reply to Dear diary May 31, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:47:59
I *have* the Hello Kitty vibrator.
Posted by Ilene on June 1, 2004, at 21:41:00
In reply to Dear diary May 31, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:47:59
I'm not feeling well. As in physically and mentally. I slept for about 10 hours. I'm depressed. I'm beginning to feel suicidal again. More along the lines of being *so tired* of being depressed. Yeah, so I'm better than I was, but I still see no end to it. I just want to stop fighting and have it all be over.
Talked w/ my internist about last week's thyroid test. He says I'm hyperthyroid now, and I should cut back on the Cytomel. The psychopharmacologist said I could be a little hyperthyroid. I don't know who's advice take.
Got my hair cut. What a disaster. The stylist commented on how thin my hair is, and how easily it comes out. So it's *not* my imagination. I just hate it! I feel so ugly. I used to have so much hair I could hardly brush it.
I feel so sick and energyless, and I have so much to do.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 1, 2004, at 22:10:11
In reply to Dear diary June 1, posted by Ilene on June 1, 2004, at 21:41:00
> I'm not feeling well. As in physically and mentally. I slept for about 10 hours. I'm depressed. I'm beginning to feel suicidal again. More along the lines of being *so tired* of being depressed. Yeah, so I'm better than I was, but I still see no end to it. I just want to stop fighting and have it all be over.
>
> Talked w/ my internist about last week's thyroid test. He says I'm hyperthyroid now, and I should cut back on the Cytomel. The psychopharmacologist said I could be a little hyperthyroid. I don't know who's advice take.
>
> Got my hair cut. What a disaster. The stylist commented on how thin my hair is, and how easily it comes out. So it's *not* my imagination. I just hate it! I feel so ugly. I used to have so much hair I could hardly brush it.
>
> I feel so sick and energyless, and I have so much to do.Ilene
I think we can all relate to being sick of being depressed, at least I sure can. Please don't give up on yourself. There will be better times, there has to be. Somehow we're all (including you) going to get through this. You have plenty of support here, just keep posting, we're all listening. I look forward to reading your diary every day. I'm really sorry though that you're feeling so down right now.
MAJOR HUGS!!!
AG
Posted by fallsfall on June 2, 2004, at 9:16:33
In reply to Dear diary June 1, posted by Ilene on June 1, 2004, at 21:41:00
I usually have my mother cut my hair once a year (I wear it long and straight). But I went to a stylist starting maybe 2 years ago. One of my meds had started making my hair fall out (disaster! That is one side effect I will not accept). She recommended Nioxin (shampoo, conditioner and special hair growing after shower scalp stimulator stuff). I went recently to get it cut before my sister's wedding. I complained about it being thin and fragile - was it diet? She said "I think we've talked about this before. I could be your diet, but it could also be stress." Great, now I have another thing to stress about: that my stress is making my hair fall out!
Posted by Angel Girl on June 3, 2004, at 3:26:37
In reply to Re: Dear diary June 1 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on June 2, 2004, at 9:16:33
> I usually have my mother cut my hair once a year (I wear it long and straight). But I went to a stylist starting maybe 2 years ago. One of my meds had started making my hair fall out (disaster! That is one side effect I will not accept). She recommended Nioxin (shampoo, conditioner and special hair growing after shower scalp stimulator stuff). I went recently to get it cut before my sister's wedding. I complained about it being thin and fragile - was it diet? She said "I think we've talked about this before. I could be your diet, but it could also be stress." Great, now I have another thing to stress about: that my stress is making my hair fall out!
fallsfall
I've had the same side effect of my hair falling out. Mine is from Depakote and I'm weaning off of it right now for that very reason. It also makes my hair frizzy and drier. The drier part is good because I normally have very oily hair but I will NOT tolerate it falling out and being frizzy. So, the Depakote MUST go. 2 more decreases and I'm totally off of it, not a moment too soon as far as I'm concerned. My pdoc is not too happy though but who cares, it's MY hair not hers.
I just hope my hair will return to normal after the Depakote is gone. Does anybody know?
AG
Posted by fallsfall on June 3, 2004, at 10:25:39
In reply to Re: Dear diary June 1 » fallsfall, posted by Angel Girl on June 3, 2004, at 3:26:37
It took about a month AFTER I stopped the Depakote for it to stop falling out in quantities. So, you will have to be patient. I think mine has gone back to just falling out like anyone else with female pattern baldness... Sigh. I do think that it would be much healthier if I didn't have so much stress - I think that and diet are the key for me. I am not convinced, unfortunately, that I have MORE hair now than in my Depakote days...
Posted by Angel Girl on June 3, 2004, at 12:28:36
In reply to Re: Dear diary June 1 » Angel Girl, posted by fallsfall on June 3, 2004, at 10:25:39
> It took about a month AFTER I stopped the Depakote for it to stop falling out in quantities. So, you will have to be patient. I think mine has gone back to just falling out like anyone else with female pattern baldness... Sigh. I do think that it would be much healthier if I didn't have so much stress - I think that and diet are the key for me. I am not convinced, unfortunately, that I have MORE hair now than in my Depakote days...
fallsfallI guess I can sorta put up with the wait for it to grow back since my pdoc is taking FOREVER to get me off this awful stuff. She's afraid I'll have another manic episode if she does it faster. ugh!!!
I do agree that stress and diet also contribute to how healthy your hair is. Guess I need to straight up those two factors too. Too much stuff to work on.
BTW, what is female pattern baldness? Don't think I've ever heard of that before.
AG
Posted by fallsfall on June 3, 2004, at 19:24:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary June 1 » fallsfall, posted by Angel Girl on June 3, 2004, at 12:28:36
Female pattern baldness is a general thinning of the hair. Men get bald by losing ALL of the hair in one spot. Women get "bald" by losing the density of their hair all over their scalp - rarely women lose all the hair in particular spots. At least this is how I understand it.
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