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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
Last night..
I lost it.. for the first time in years.
I was screaming at my partner while she was out side and I was in the car. I started slamming things- my head-- my fist..
I couldnt hold it.I sped off.. almost hitting an ambulance and then almost turning over my van.
I sped into a parkenlot.. parked it and cried..
All of a sudden I reached for a cd-- and broke it in half. I kept slicing it against my wrists... and kept slicing.. and kept slicing.. to the point my wrist was swollen and numb.. and bleeding at random spots..
But it wouldnt break past the skin into the main vein, and its all I had... I wanted it so badly..
Now I feel so foolish..I dont want to go to my clinic.. they may see me as a threat to myself.. and lock me up.
I dont know what to do..
I dont feel threatning today..I just started my 2nd pill of Lamictal (50mg) a day about a week and a half ago.
I dont know what I feel.
What do I do????
Posted by Angielala on January 27, 2004, at 12:24:20
In reply to I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
Daydreamer-
I am so sad to hear about your night.I know that kind of anger and that foolish feeling that follows it. First- don't feel foolish- you obviously had a lot built up and just had to release it. The fact that you felt that foolish feeling is almost like a sign that you really didn't want to hurt yourself, but instead you were looking for an outlet, and making the hurt into something physical maybe have been the outlet you decided to try.
You are in a dark place right now, but please know it won't always be so dark. Do you see a doc regularly at all?
Please keep talking- let us know how you are and your thoughts- we will get you through this. We have been there so many times... and it always gets better- despite what that naughty voice in your head is saying. You are going to be okay.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((day)))))))))))))))))
That's a big hug from me. :)
>
>
> Last night..
>
> I lost it.. for the first time in years.
>
> I was screaming at my partner while she was out side and I was in the car. I started slamming things- my head-- my fist..
> I couldnt hold it.
>
> I sped off.. almost hitting an ambulance and then almost turning over my van.
>
> I sped into a parkenlot.. parked it and cried..
>
> All of a sudden I reached for a cd-- and broke it in half. I kept slicing it against my wrists... and kept slicing.. and kept slicing.. to the point my wrist was swollen and numb.. and bleeding at random spots..
> But it wouldnt break past the skin into the main vein, and its all I had... I wanted it so badly..
> Now I feel so foolish..
>
> I dont want to go to my clinic.. they may see me as a threat to myself.. and lock me up.
>
> I dont know what to do..
> I dont feel threatning today..
>
> I just started my 2nd pill of Lamictal (50mg) a day about a week and a half ago.
>
>
> I dont know what I feel.
>
> What do I do????
>
>
Posted by Angielala on January 27, 2004, at 12:33:10
In reply to I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
If you feel like emailing privately, you can- anapauline@yahoo.com
>
>
> Last night..
>
> I lost it.. for the first time in years.
>
> I was screaming at my partner while she was out side and I was in the car. I started slamming things- my head-- my fist..
> I couldnt hold it.
>
> I sped off.. almost hitting an ambulance and then almost turning over my van.
>
> I sped into a parkenlot.. parked it and cried..
>
> All of a sudden I reached for a cd-- and broke it in half. I kept slicing it against my wrists... and kept slicing.. and kept slicing.. to the point my wrist was swollen and numb.. and bleeding at random spots..
> But it wouldnt break past the skin into the main vein, and its all I had... I wanted it so badly..
> Now I feel so foolish..
>
> I dont want to go to my clinic.. they may see me as a threat to myself.. and lock me up.
>
> I dont know what to do..
> I dont feel threatning today..
>
> I just started my 2nd pill of Lamictal (50mg) a day about a week and a half ago.
>
>
> I dont know what I feel.
>
> What do I do????
>
>
Posted by Susan J on January 27, 2004, at 12:45:59
In reply to I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
Please don't feel foolish. You had real pain. I just don't want you to hurt yourself.
Have you talked to your partner since this happened? What does she say?
>>I dont feel threatning today..
<<I don't know much about clinics, but when my doc asks me if I want to hurt someone or myself, I guess I thought they were worried about *right now* or *soon.* If you told them you don't feel threatening *today,* would that help?If you don't want to go to a clinic, why not call a hotline number or something where you can remain anonymous?
Hang in there. Let us know if we can do anything,
Susan
Posted by gardenergirl on January 27, 2004, at 13:28:03
In reply to Re: I think I need help, fast. » daydreamer, posted by Susan J on January 27, 2004, at 12:45:59
daydreamer,
It sounds like last night was extremely difficult. Don't feel bad. Is there anywhere you can go for extra support? A pdoc or therapist? An outpatient program? Or just keep posting here. There are a bunch of caring people who can listen (read) and respond or even just let you know that you are not alone.Please take care of yourself,
gg
Posted by 8 Miles on January 27, 2004, at 18:25:18
In reply to I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
I guess, Dreamer, that a few things need to be worked out by you. What was the fuss that involved your partner? Did it produce some strong feelings of guilt when you left her abruptly? Do you think she was worrying about you when you left? Did you leave as "punishement" to her for some reason? When you used the CDs, was that a cutting you were attempting, or suicide? Then, why do you feel "foolish" now? ARE you suicidal, have you been hospitalized before as a potential theat to self or others? Do you think it could be entirely a medical issue because of the Lamactil?
You say you "don't know what to do", however, you DID post about it, so that suggests that you want some advice and input from us. It is ,indeed, difficult to even think about what you went through, let alone knowing it all really happened.
What do you THINK you should do? What do you WANT to do? Do you see your docs and counselors more as a threat to you, or a safe place to spill your guts? Have you now been able to speak to your partner, and have you "worked out" whatever may have sparked that series of events? I KNOW that this all sounds like "rough stuff" to you. But I am of the opinion that problems don't generally go away on their own. You may prolong having to deal with them for NOW, but they will haunt you even longer, and potentially HARM you a whole lot more than if you faced them now. I know what I write out of direct experience, not just postulation. Therefore, I feel "safe" about writing such things. It was because of someone talking to me like this that I was able to turn away from the lure of the so-called "freedom" of death. So, sit down, write out your thoughts, keep a running journel where you can refer back to see how you were last week, month or year. I have journels for several years. It's sometimes amusing...sometimes enlightening to re-read your own thoughts and feelings. I think you WANT this all resolved. I don't think you want to die, or you would have made more proficient efforts that were well planned, and well timed....not spontaneous. Your move...ask what you want, tell us what you need, tell us how you feel. I REALLY hope that after you digest this, you will NOT see it as any negative reflection against you. I am sincere in offering to help if that is what you want.Good luck!
8
Posted by cubic_me on January 28, 2004, at 5:33:06
In reply to I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 27, 2004, at 11:20:55
I don't really have much to add to what has already been said, except that I'm sorry you felt that way, and I understand. Maybe that feeling of foolishness that you feel now is preventing you from doing it again. I usually feel really guilty the day after I have really hurt myself.
Take care, _me x
Posted by daydreamer on January 28, 2004, at 11:28:47
In reply to Re: I think I need help, fast. » daydreamer, posted by cubic_me on January 28, 2004, at 5:33:06
Ive been suicidal off and on for the past 10 years- (maybe 7 times- total)
You know when youre heart starts to beat-- you become angry, scared...
It was beyond all those emotions. All I had was this broken cd. I kept trying ....pushing harder and harder- trying different pieces to see if any edge was sharper than the other...
Nothing was cutting through..
itd always break the skin- but never into the main veins.
I got desperate- using keys, edges of hard things....
I slammed my head into the window... grabbed a cig, cried, and calmed down.
Then all I could think about was my father..
then I realized I had to turn around right then and get help.Its like you blackout- with sweating- hysteria- anger- a need for pain-
What frightened me even more-- is that I wanted it to cut through so bad.... I wanted it so bad. Now I have a good 25 scars on my arms where I kept going over and over it, hoping itd eventually wear through.I havent been there in so long you know??
Ive been struggling with bipolar for a while..Its just, I thought all that was over..
Posted by 8 Miles on January 28, 2004, at 18:55:02
In reply to Re: I think I need help, fast., posted by daydreamer on January 28, 2004, at 11:28:47
OK, that's a start, you recognize that you have some periodic suicidal ideation. But you really haven't spoken about what the source is, or why it affects you so. You said all you could think about was your father. Was that positive or negative thought? That, since it came out of the blue, seems to me to be a significant issue that needs exploration with you AND a counselor. You don't necessarily have to mention that you were trying to "off yourself", but the issue definitely needs some attention. You did not respond about you and your partner's relationship, and perhaps how your father plays into it. It's OK if you DON'T wish to discuss it openly at this time. However, I have to tell you honestly, that when you mentioned that all you could think about was your father, a bell went off inside my head. That may very well be the trigger point for you. W/O knowing more, all I can do is speculate, which isn't really too helpful. If/when you wish to discuss some detail about you life's journey, then we will be better able to respond to your needs with more educated answers. All I know for sure is that suicidal ideation cannot go on unresolved. It doesn't do ANYBODY any good, and it is a viscious preditor, waiting for the right opportunity. It is a viper, an unsrcupulous, uncaring bast*rd. DON'T let it get a foot into your life! There are SO MANY weapons to fight that beast, but the best one is accountablility to someone. Please do let me know what else you can "see" as you begin to filter through your life. Everthing has a cause and effect. You cannot change the cause of things that have ALREADY happened to you, but you really CAN change the results when you want to.
Good luck, and let us know how we might help you!
8
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