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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
hi ~ i used to post here a long time ago, and now i'm back. i have ocd and have been through a couple bouts of depression. just before xmas, my closest friend told me that my husband was hitting on her. i confronted him about it and he denied it all, saying that what he had said to her was hypothetical. i want to believe him, but i can't figure out who's telling the truth. she really doesn't have any reason to make anything up. the worst part of this is that since this came up last tuesday, 12/23, i've been obsessing about the things that i obsess about, mainly our marriage and relationship. i was so close to going off my meds, but now this set back has really upset me and its been about 3 years since i've had to deal with any depression or ocd. i can't stand it and hate myself for being this way. anyone have any suggestions? thanks.
Posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 14:11:26
In reply to husband and ocd problems, posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
Would bringing your best friend and Hubby together for a talk be a wise idea? Or would that cause you too much stress? People can say anything about anyone when they are not there, but if they are face to face, maybe you can find out what really happened.
One thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that he said it was hypothetical. I also have OCD- and I think this might be the trigger for your relapse. He's making an odd suggestion, and even though he may not define it as "hitting on" it was still inappriate.
The best thing to do for right now is to remind yourself- you don't know the whole story. What I do when I have repeating thoughts that cause depression and stress is try to find a positive, yet realistic mantra to repeat in my head. Find a place you can be alone- maybe even start in the car when you are driving and say it out loud first- something like "What my mind needs to know I will discover. What my heart needs to know, I will be patient" It sounds really weird... but after reciting it, try "obessing" on that thought.
Communication is what needs to happen. This is so unfair that YOU have to suffer for something that is probably a huge misunderstanding. Find the truth, even if you are scared of it.
Have you a safe mental place to go to? As in can you close your eyes and see yourself sitting on a familiaar beach that you know and just listen to the ocean waves and the seagulls cooing... feeling the warm breezes over your skin? I know that takes a lot of effort to clear the repeating thoughts to get to a place like that, but if you practice at night or at the most stressful OC times, you may find that you actually have control. It takes times and don't worry about being on the meds for a little longer. They will just help take that edge off- you need them just a little longer, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Be strong- let me know how things go... let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
~Angie
> hi ~ i used to post here a long time ago, and now i'm back. i have ocd and have been through a couple bouts of depression. just before xmas, my closest friend told me that my husband was hitting on her. i confronted him about it and he denied it all, saying that what he had said to her was hypothetical. i want to believe him, but i can't figure out who's telling the truth. she really doesn't have any reason to make anything up. the worst part of this is that since this came up last tuesday, 12/23, i've been obsessing about the things that i obsess about, mainly our marriage and relationship. i was so close to going off my meds, but now this set back has really upset me and its been about 3 years since i've had to deal with any depression or ocd. i can't stand it and hate myself for being this way. anyone have any suggestions? thanks.
Posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 14:42:02
In reply to Re: husband and ocd problems, posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 14:11:26
i don't know what would happen if i brought us all together. its not that i'm afraid of finding out what really happened, i just want to know the truth. at this point, i don't really want to hang out with my friend anymore and neither does my husband. we've all been doing things together for the past couple years (she's single) and they feel very comfortable around each other.
the obsessive thoughts are usually about love - how do you know that you love someone, what is love, what if i don't really love him, that type of stuff. we've been together for almost 11 years and married for about 8 of those. i've gone through all of this before - the same thoughts and questions and i thought i had put it all behind me. my fear is that i'll find out that i really don't love him, i'm just comfortable with him. i'm 33 and have never lived on my own, but i know that i could do it. even though i know that, it scares me to death that i wouldn't have anyone to support me if something happened to me. so my thoughts go from thinking about he & i splitting up and me having to fend for myself and what if i don't make it.
you're totally right that i'm the one suffering for something that i didn't create. our relationship can be a trigger and this time what happened was enough to set me off. the holidays are a sad time of year for me too, so all of this combined just creates one big, sad, sloppy mess.
thanks for your advice, i really appreciate it and will try some of what you suggested.
Posted by Elle2021 on December 31, 2003, at 16:34:29
In reply to Re: husband and ocd problems, posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 14:11:26
> Would bringing your best friend and Hubby together for a talk be a wise idea?
I agree with Angie. I think bringing the two of them together would be a good idea. This way neither can lie without the other knowing it (and probably calling them on it). Either way, after it is done, your husband will realize that you aren't going to put up with that type of behaviour, maybe he will shape up. Has he cheated before? Did you ever suspect him before, with good reason. I have OCD too, and I know how this was probably a big step back for you. I'm sorry to hear about it. Hope things get resolved soon.
Elle
Posted by 8 Miles on January 1, 2004, at 12:26:25
In reply to husband and ocd problems, posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
Hmmmmm........ I haven't read the other follow-up posts, so I don't know what they said, but I have a few ideas. Now, I don't know either you or your spouse, but I do know OCD, I do know about marriage counseling , and I do know "men" (as I am one). Hypothetical? So that's like "Well, I was just wondering, hypothetically, if you would have sex with me and not tell my wife"? I'm sorry,but that dog don't hunt! I am an excellent example of how OCD can affect a person, I could be a poster boy. I not only worry about what is happing right now, but also how the rest of the day, month, year, life are going to be affected by it. I have never met a situation that I could not worry about. I mean, if Publisher's Clearing House gave me a check for $100,000, I'd worry about all the negative consequences that might happen. Are you being obsessive about your husband possibly messing around on the side? No. As a matter of fact, I would wonder how far he has gone prior to this, that he now has the apparent confidence to ask YOUR FRIEND! I'm sorry to be so blunt about this subject, but it is one of my favorite peeves to get on the soapbox about. I mean, the only thing we have in "worldly" gifts that holds any real value is TRUST. If I give you my word, it's as good as gold. Do I get that from many others? A few at church maybe, but generally no. Trust is the one thing that provides security; as basis for love and support, and relationship development. I try to trust people until they give me a reason not to. I believe it is better to approach the world that way than to mistrust everone until they PROVE themselves "trustworthy". However, for you,there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but your husband is going to have to cooperate. I would recommend that you go see a marriage counsler (by yourself the first time)then reqest that your husband come with you. You will get one of several reactions from him, and they are all very telling of what he really values. He might say: "No! I don't think there are any problems with our marriage!" In which case, he is probably not "seeing things" clearly, or he is stepping away from you. He might say:"Well, I don't see any need to go, but since you are harping me so hard about it, I'll go for you". This is a similar response as the first, as he would be saying "I'm OK" and the conclusion would be that you are imagining things. Should he GO a few times, he will quickly quit, saying that all that stuff is stupid. Thirdly, If your first approach him with you guard down, in the most loving and gentle way and say: "Dear, I think our marriage, although it is mostly good, could be better, and that we could make it so by going to this counselor I know about to help us work on a few of our rough areas. I really want us to be happy, and I really need you to go with me and be supportive of me". This one is the most important way to approach the request. You are not blaming him, or anyone, you are just seeking some objective assistance to help the both of you iron out a few of the issues that concern you (like this episode with your friend). If he refuses that approach.............well, I think you can pretty well figure things out things from there. Please try NOT to be discouraged the FIRST time you ask him to go. In any of these three scenarios, you might need to ask several times until he sees that you are serious about it, and are not going to stop asking him to go. If he starts to get mad and defensive after you have given him time to consider things. You will have to change your strategy. Depending on how much you love him, and how forgiving you are, you will have to make some choices based upon his actions and non-actions. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you, or if you would care for extrapolation. Don't let this fester too long or you may very well return to your prior need for meds and counseling. I would propose that the sooner you deal with this issue, the sooner you will get resolution. And, by the way, I waited 8 years for my wife to finally concede to my request for marriage counseling, so I do KNOW from experience all the angles and turns this process can take you through. The main driving question you need to ask yourself is "Do you want to be healed". Do you?
8
Posted by bookgurl99 on January 2, 2004, at 6:47:32
In reply to husband and ocd problems, posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
I think you need to know what "hitting on" means. Sometimes people can say "hitting on" when they think someone is flirting with them. And I think that all people -- married or not -- flirt with someone other than their significant other at some time. It may not be what you PREFER to have happen, but it's not necessarily a threat: your husband may just want to stroke his ego and have a friendly, but not physical or sexual, interaction.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 2, 2004, at 8:15:29
In reply to Re: husband and ocd problems, posted by bookgurl99 on January 2, 2004, at 6:47:32
Don't you think that a married man hypothetically asking someone if they would sleep with him goes a bit beyond innocent flirting?
Elle
Posted by ocdforyears on January 7, 2004, at 1:47:34
In reply to husband and ocd problems, posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
Hey tampagirl,
I don't know what to say about the situation with your husband because I don't know what happened, though it sounds odd. But I do know ocd, and for sure, anyone, with that disease or not, would be shaken up by what's going on, or what might be going on. Add to that a propensity for obsession...no need to beat yourself up. Do something good for yourself. Use the tools you do have, and get a reasonable second opinion maybe. Anyone else know the both of you you could trust for feedback? It may be something; it may be nothing.
And three years without obsessions. That is awesome! Truly. That kind of history means that however hard or long this bout may be, it will end; you will go back to balanced thinking. Hang in there and get support. All you can.
Best wishes
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