Posted by 8 Miles on January 1, 2004, at 12:26:25
In reply to husband and ocd problems, posted by tampagirl on December 29, 2003, at 12:58:24
Hmmmmm........ I haven't read the other follow-up posts, so I don't know what they said, but I have a few ideas. Now, I don't know either you or your spouse, but I do know OCD, I do know about marriage counseling , and I do know "men" (as I am one). Hypothetical? So that's like "Well, I was just wondering, hypothetically, if you would have sex with me and not tell my wife"? I'm sorry,but that dog don't hunt! I am an excellent example of how OCD can affect a person, I could be a poster boy. I not only worry about what is happing right now, but also how the rest of the day, month, year, life are going to be affected by it. I have never met a situation that I could not worry about. I mean, if Publisher's Clearing House gave me a check for $100,000, I'd worry about all the negative consequences that might happen. Are you being obsessive about your husband possibly messing around on the side? No. As a matter of fact, I would wonder how far he has gone prior to this, that he now has the apparent confidence to ask YOUR FRIEND! I'm sorry to be so blunt about this subject, but it is one of my favorite peeves to get on the soapbox about. I mean, the only thing we have in "worldly" gifts that holds any real value is TRUST. If I give you my word, it's as good as gold. Do I get that from many others? A few at church maybe, but generally no. Trust is the one thing that provides security; as basis for love and support, and relationship development. I try to trust people until they give me a reason not to. I believe it is better to approach the world that way than to mistrust everone until they PROVE themselves "trustworthy". However, for you,there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but your husband is going to have to cooperate. I would recommend that you go see a marriage counsler (by yourself the first time)then reqest that your husband come with you. You will get one of several reactions from him, and they are all very telling of what he really values. He might say: "No! I don't think there are any problems with our marriage!" In which case, he is probably not "seeing things" clearly, or he is stepping away from you. He might say:"Well, I don't see any need to go, but since you are harping me so hard about it, I'll go for you". This is a similar response as the first, as he would be saying "I'm OK" and the conclusion would be that you are imagining things. Should he GO a few times, he will quickly quit, saying that all that stuff is stupid. Thirdly, If your first approach him with you guard down, in the most loving and gentle way and say: "Dear, I think our marriage, although it is mostly good, could be better, and that we could make it so by going to this counselor I know about to help us work on a few of our rough areas. I really want us to be happy, and I really need you to go with me and be supportive of me". This one is the most important way to approach the request. You are not blaming him, or anyone, you are just seeking some objective assistance to help the both of you iron out a few of the issues that concern you (like this episode with your friend). If he refuses that approach.............well, I think you can pretty well figure things out things from there. Please try NOT to be discouraged the FIRST time you ask him to go. In any of these three scenarios, you might need to ask several times until he sees that you are serious about it, and are not going to stop asking him to go. If he starts to get mad and defensive after you have given him time to consider things. You will have to change your strategy. Depending on how much you love him, and how forgiving you are, you will have to make some choices based upon his actions and non-actions. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you, or if you would care for extrapolation. Don't let this fester too long or you may very well return to your prior need for meds and counseling. I would propose that the sooner you deal with this issue, the sooner you will get resolution. And, by the way, I waited 8 years for my wife to finally concede to my request for marriage counseling, so I do KNOW from experience all the angles and turns this process can take you through. The main driving question you need to ask yourself is "Do you want to be healed". Do you?
8
poster:8 Miles
thread:294319
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/295373.html