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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
well, i messed up again..leave it to me to almost burn my grandparents house down. i left overnight to go back to the university for new years and forgot to shut off my heating blanket. when i got home i had no bed or blankets. grampa yelled at me and told me that the blanket caught fire and the house could've gone down in flames cos of my ignorance. yep, no one else but me. go figure, i always mess up. i can't ever do anything right anyway and just when i think things are good, well...something like this reminds me of how much of a disgrace i am. then to make things worse, i went to my mother's to catch up on some rest. i told her that i felt like a burden staying at my grandparents place and she talked to her girlfriend about me staying there over winter breaks and such. she woke me up to have a little talk with her and her gf.. it came down to this: her girlfriend told me straight up, "you're messed up, you cut yourself and i think you are psychotic..you are not even allowed to have a pen or pencil unless you ask me for it and if i ever disagree with what you do i can beat the shit out of you and not get into trouble for child abuse because now you are 18." yep, and mom just let her say it. she also told me there is nothing i can do to change her opinion of me and her entire family wants to break my neck because i cut myself and their children might see it. it made me feel diseased and contageous, like if thier kids came into contact with me they'd start cutting themselves and be psychotic. i feel so ashamed of myself and i regret everything about myself. i want to say i'm sorry, but who cares anymore? it's an old story. i thought about suicide, but that would just make them hate me even more and prove that they are right about me. i have this terrible pain in my chest, i want to cry..but what is the point? to feel sorry for myself? i'm scum and i know it. i just want to move far away to get away from all of this. i never want to come back. i want to go somewhere where no one knows me and i can start over, forget my past. i can't forget my mistakes i've made here. it's been years, and still my mom and her girlfriend remind me of them everyday. they can't forgive me and i'll always be screwed up to them, a sicko, a psycho. there is nothing i can do to change that. i could go for the rest of my life mentally sound and perfect, but to them i'd still be "diseased". i hate myself because they won't let me forget my faults, they won't let me forgive myself.
Posted by 8 Miles on January 2, 2004, at 17:06:59
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
Woooaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
St@cy, what we have here is a failure to communicate. If your family (including your grandparents) treat you like crap, that's terribly WRONG. Regardless of what you're problems are, your family should at LEAST be cognizant enough about your illness that they understand what it does to you, and your inability (sometimes) to control what you do. Are you relying upon your family for tuition or other financial support? If so, you DO need to try to follow the house rules, but that does not preclude you from your human rights. Unfortunately, many (most?) people do not know about the side effects of mental illness, or the meds used to treat them and THEIR side effects. The problem I see here is that for some reason, your family does not "appear" to understand your world. So, how do we resolve such a situation? First, you need to drop the low self-esteem and feelings that you are a loser, you are malfunctioning, and YOU should be able to be better through your own efforts. Many things in life are self-fulfilling. If YOU think you are messed up beyond repair, and it is YOUR fault, then you may very well live many years with that misperception. You are only 18, barely an "adult" by some standards, and still a minor by others. YOU are not responsible for a lot of what the world does to you. But if you accept this, and internalize this, you ARE in danger. OK, do you see a Pdoc and go to counseling? Has any of your family sat in any of your appointments? How can they possibly judge you if they have not tried to participate in ALL your attempts to get better? This is a very tough junction in your life. If you continue on your present course, you might get a whole lot worse, and feel terrible about yourself. How can ANYONE tell an 18 year old that they are worthless? Sure, you obviously are responsible for a lot of your actions and reactions. But if you are being respectful to the adults in your family, and not "going out of your way" to start trouble, then you have a God-given right to be yourself. Does this mean you can say "to hell with the world", no. I would consider a three-pronged approach to your situation. If you are NOT seeing a counselor, GO!
Secondly, once you have been doing that, you will learn some tools on interaction. Now you must apply those skills to find a way to communicate with your family how you feel about things. This would not be a guilt-slinging event where you blame them for mistreating you, but a very calm and gentle approach where you reach out for help and understanding. Thirdly, with your counselor's assistance, you need to change your negative self assesment. You are not worthless, or a waste product, you have an illness that CAN be successfully treated, and overcome (especially with someone as young as you). I challenge you to find the right counselor, and the right Pdoc (and maybe even a small support group with people your age...better if it's all female for several reasons). How do your friends treat you? Can you get their help? Please know that you are in no means alone, there are tens of thousands of people in the U.S. alone with the same or similar problems. You can't give up! Please let me know if you would like more info or just want to talk about it.
8
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 2, 2004, at 20:58:26
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
St@cy,
It's really amazing reading what you are going through at 18, and what I am going through in my 40's. There is alot of similarity.
I am staying in an apartment in my parents house, hopefully for not much longer. My parents try to come in between me and my two daughters. Evidently, they aren't certain that my parenting skills are worth very much. I often wish I could remind them that 'their' parenting skills are in good measure what got me where I am today.
As far as burning down the house is concerned, my latest trick was to bake some garlic bread. I preheated the oven, put the bread in, and took it out-------- 4 days later. Not too much left of it.
I have a nephew who is a nurse. One day he caught a glimpse of my arm. He made a remark about a viscious cat, but I was kind of busted at that point anyway. I came clean.
It's sad, but family will always be a difficult thing to handle. I had a brother tell me that I was already dead to him. Another told me that he would 'protect' his kids from me. My parents ignore the illness, and don't talk about it except to make sure that I'm still taking my meds. It's really sad.
I suppose that I do things that justify a bit of what others think of me. I'm a multiple, and the behavior changes can be dramatic. If I wasn't mentally ill, I might think that I had alzheimers or something. I can go from laughing to crying my eyes out faster than someone can change a DVD. Sometimes I wonder if I'm happy or manic, and it really scares me. If I take 100 mg of seroquel and I calm down, then it was mania (as near as I can tell). If I was just happy, I would have been calmer or a bit drowsy, but still happy.
In any case, the problem lies with other people's perceptions much more than your worth as a human being. Of course there are skills you will learn to help you navigate through the world, but you can't change what others think of people with mental illness, with certain exceptions.
The first is dignity. You have value as a human being. Know it. Feel it. and behave with that knowledge and feeling.
The second is responsibility. As you learn about your illness, you will learn what your limitations and needs are. See to them so that others can recognize that you are indeed taking care of yourself.
The third is honor. You have responsibilities towards others in your family. Treat them with respect, even if you spend as little time as possible with them. Let them know that you are above petty namecalling and smart enough to not buy into their unfounded fears.
The fourth is teaching. You need to know enough about your illness to educate others when they do, and they will, ask you questions. It may take quite alot of time, but someday, one of your relatives will find that curiosity outweighs ignorance and ask you about mental illness. That is the moment when you can show that you aren't an ogre, and that you are capable of intelligent conversation; that you know a good deal because you've asked the same questions. Be gracious. Help them find other resources. Recommend books. You are an ambassador, and they are the foreign government.
Just my own ideas. They don't all work in my family yet, but I think the theory is sound.
Dee.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 3, 2004, at 4:36:20
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
Stacy!
You are NOT scum. And, what do you have to be sorry for?? This isn't your fault. Your mother's girlfriend has NO right to be telling you that she is going to beat you. If I were you, I would turn her into the police, because technically what she said to you is a threat against your well-being. Do you absolutely have to come home during breaks? Do you have friends that you can go home with instead? I know that during the summer break, some children's camps hire people to be camp counselors and stuff like that. Maybe if you could just find something to do in advance, you could avoid going home. Either way, that is an unhealthy environment for you to be in. Is it possible for you to gather up some friends and rent an apartment together? Let me know how things are going. I'm really proud of you for deciding not to commit suicide. God bless you.
Elle
Posted by Camille Dumont on January 3, 2004, at 9:37:35
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
One thing I would do is politely point out that beating someone up is illegal, no matter if they are over 18 ... its called assault and they will get a criminal record from it.
Posted by shar on January 3, 2004, at 13:27:40
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
> i hate myself because they won't let me forget my faults, they won't let me forgive myself.
You CAN forgive yourself even if nobody else in the whole world ever forgives you! It takes a new way of thinking, and overcoming a lot of what's been put in your head...but YOU forgiving YOURSELF is in YOUR hands, not theirs.
And, I agree that your situation is the pits, and I know how external events can affect us, so that makes it harder. But, don't give up on yourself. You are very young (to me), and have a chance to live a good life. I encourage you to do whatever you can to get there.
Good luck!
Shar
Posted by fallsfall on January 3, 2004, at 14:32:48
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
Your mother and her friend are abusive to you.
Do you have any other options of where you could stay? When do you go back to school?
Do you have a therapist at school? Your self esteem seems pretty low (gee, I wonder why...) - a therapist could really be helpful.
Good luck!
Posted by Karen_kay on January 3, 2004, at 21:43:01
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
Girlie,
I'm sorry that you're family isn't more understanding. We all make mistakes. Are you staying at home during the semester or do you live on campus? Things may get better if you have some time away from your family, some time for things to settle down. And it helps a lot if you have someone to talk to. It just seems that your family isn't supportive towards your situation at all. This isn't your fault at all. Everyone struggles at some point in their lives. And you're doing such a great job. Look at your grades last semester. They're GREAT!!!
And if you're 18, that makes it assault, not child abuse. I wouldn't hesitate to call the police if things get to a point that you can't handle it. Seriously! Just because you know the person doesn't mean she has a right to degrade or abuse you. No one has a right to lay a hand on you. You deserve better than that!
I used to SI because of the environment I was raised in. I couldn't defend myself either. I carried that defense mechanism into adulthood. When I entered counseling I realised and learned better coping skills. I haven't cut myself in quite a while and it feels WONDERFUL! I don't even have the urge anymore.
There are people here who know what you are going through. If it help you to post, continue to do so. We'll be here to help you. But don't feel like this is all your fault. Your family is ignorant about mental illness and apparently feels the need to degrade you. This isn't your fault. Don't place the blame on yourself. You're doing a great job of keeping things together. You're going great in school (and that's a feat for someone who isn't facing mental issues as well). Try to keep a positive attitude. Most universities have counseling centers (are you seeing someone???) at a free or reduced rate. You may want to check into one. That's where I started out. They can be quite helpful, though they usually have only a certain amount of visits allowed. Check into that if you aren't currently seeing a therapist. It really does help. Hang in there :)
Posted by st@cy on January 5, 2004, at 18:34:22
In reply to famly looks @ disorder as contageous disease, posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
thank you so much for understanding me, i don't yet have a pdoc because i'm only on break for another week, but when i go back to school i will try very hard to get one. right now i'm avoiding going to my mother's because i don't want to face them and it's just better this way. going there will only set me off again. i took a trip out of the country this weekend to get my mind off things, but i'm back now. thanks again...stacy
Posted by 8 Miles on January 5, 2004, at 19:17:58
In reply to thank you all so much for your support! , posted by st@cy on January 5, 2004, at 18:34:22
St@cy,
I'm glad that you have seen (just the tip of the iceburg) how others will come to your aid with advice and information. You say you don't want to go to your mom's docs, that's understandable. However, as you mentioned, you are about ready (or are) to go back to college. This isn't like when I was in college 25 or so years ago when it wasn't "appropriate" for a college student to seek help for a "mental health" issues. Today, most larger colleges and universities not only recognize the need for treatment, it is one of their biggest financial outlays for medical treatment for students. In your college community, you may well even find student-led support groups where you can finally realize that you are NOT alone. Here you may be able to share your concerns amongst your peers, and find very valuable resources and tools. Also, assuming your college is at least some distance from your home, and with Hippa laws being in effect, they cannot even TELL your parents how you are being medically treated w/o your approval. OK, let's get it going! Hope things get better for you soon.
8
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