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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on November 18, 2003, at 23:16:24
Whew! Mental checklist of what I've endured this year:
*Pdoc change.
*Long term relationship ending. Poorly. For the best but tell that to an aching heart (back then)
*Major mystery illness weird test results bizarro weight loss.
*Family member in ICU after medication reaction after accident. Had to fly/travel many, many hours to spend few weeks there tending to this person.
*Immediately upon arriving home take care of three important children in my life due to a family emergency in their family. Death. Had to explain death to my godchild. Um, yeah.
*Suicidal thoughts 'exploded' into my head this fall out of the blue. Very persistent.
*Pdoc and therp. talk of inpatient program for me. Thank goodness it was decided against.
*Told myself I wouldn't consider love again for two years after such nasty heartache and, sadly, violence but am outright smitten now with new wonderful other and am feeling really good about that.
*Medication changes that make the term cocktail seem silly. We're talkin' "let's tweak this mind until we get something right" time. Might even get me over on the med board doing some reading and even a few questions perhaps.Okay. Not a ten. Not really even a talker. Just a release of the mind before I forget this. Wrote too much already today in journal tonight and if I see a pen again I'll wilt and weep.
Will wake up tomorrow and hopefully be able to start chipping away at those e-mails and IMs. Nobody has been forgotten about. I've just lost my mind temporarily and am ever so slowly finding bits of it hither and yon.
zh
Posted by sienna on November 18, 2003, at 23:47:04
In reply to Whatta year thus far bruthah, posted by zenhussy on November 18, 2003, at 23:16:24
OH all these things are hard. You must be so amazing to withstand such stuff. I bet even yer pdoc woulda had a tough time. you sound like you really made it through a lot zen. i was gone a long time and now im here more. im so proud of you for surviving all that. i think lists can be good sometimes.
sienna
> Whew! Mental checklist of what I've endured this year:
>
> *Pdoc change.
> *Long term relationship ending. Poorly. For the best but tell that to an aching heart (back then)
> *Major mystery illness weird test results bizarro weight loss.
> *Family member in ICU after medication reaction after accident. Had to fly/travel many, many hours to spend few weeks there tending to this person.
> *Immediately upon arriving home take care of three important children in my life due to a family emergency in their family. Death. Had to explain death to my godchild. Um, yeah.
> *Suicidal thoughts 'exploded' into my head this fall out of the blue. Very persistent.
> *Pdoc and therp. talk of inpatient program for me. Thank goodness it was decided against.
> *Told myself I wouldn't consider love again for two years after such nasty heartache and, sadly, violence but am outright smitten now with new wonderful other and am feeling really good about that.
> *Medication changes that make the term cocktail seem silly. We're talkin' "let's tweak this mind until we get something right" time. Might even get me over on the med board doing some reading and even a few questions perhaps.
>
> Okay. Not a ten. Not really even a talker. Just a release of the mind before I forget this. Wrote too much already today in journal tonight and if I see a pen again I'll wilt and weep.
>
> Will wake up tomorrow and hopefully be able to start chipping away at those e-mails and IMs. Nobody has been forgotten about. I've just lost my mind temporarily and am ever so slowly finding bits of it hither and yon.
>
> zh
Posted by zenhussy on November 19, 2003, at 0:06:45
In reply to Re: Whatta year thus far bruthah » zenhussy, posted by sienna on November 18, 2003, at 23:47:04
Thank you for being proud of me sienna. It is difficult for me to accept praise. I will graciously say thank you.
zh
> OH all these things are hard. You must be so amazing to withstand such stuff. I bet even yer pdoc woulda had a tough time. you sound like you really made it through a lot zen. i was gone a long time and now im here more. im so proud of you for surviving all that. i think lists can be good sometimes.
>
> sienna
Posted by sienna on November 19, 2003, at 0:09:31
In reply to Re: Whatta year thus far bruthah » sienna, posted by zenhussy on November 19, 2003, at 0:06:45
i know what you mean. usually if i get praise, i think people must have me confused with someone else. but i mean, you really did all this stuff and made it through all of it. you see. its really amazing. life is hard. im glad you can accept praise. its a good step i think i feel better when i can too.
Posted by zenhussy on November 19, 2003, at 0:17:07
In reply to Re: Whatta year thus far bruthah, posted by sienna on November 19, 2003, at 0:09:31
and I have seen some amazingly kind supportive feedback from total strangers.
We're talking about someone being depressed in that deep dark hole where they don't shower or do dishes or work or anything. And then they come on here and say hey I'm a sloth and filthy but I managed to wash the silverware and the glasses today. And out of the woodwork come other posters who recognize the difficulty of such tasks when one is so down.
The people on this site are wonderful cheerleaders without being pollyannas. They can offer up tremendously insightful reality checks when one is confused as to just what is reality. Again....we still haven't nailed that one down ; )
I hope you too will be able to smile and say thank you when someone tells you how wonderful a job of holding it together AND falling apart you're doing.
Keep being kind to yourself.
zh
> i know what you mean. usually if i get praise, i think people must have me confused with someone else. but i mean, you really did all this stuff and made it through all of it. you see. its really amazing. life is hard. im glad you can accept praise. its a good step i think i feel better when i can too.
>
Posted by sienna on November 19, 2003, at 0:22:54
In reply to one aspect of this social board is to ask feedback » sienna, posted by zenhussy on November 19, 2003, at 0:17:07
yes i know i have seen this too.
its amazing really. how so many wonderful people are here. i forget sometimes. but if theres one thing i truly believe its that eveyrone has there things they are beautiful and talented at and worth. even when i feel like cow excrement i still believe there must be something i am good at.I wish eveyone always could remembe rthat, but our design is flawed. its too bad really. my cat is never depressed. psychotic maybe but never depressed.
sienna
Posted by fallsfall on November 19, 2003, at 11:19:40
In reply to Whatta year thus far bruthah, posted by zenhussy on November 18, 2003, at 23:16:24
Well, you certainly haven't been bored.
You have done a lot of caretaking this year, your ICU family member, your friend's children. Sometimes I find that doing caretaking makes my life feel less worthless. Even if *I* am not worth anything, the people who I am helping are.
I hope the meds can settle down for you and start being helpful.
I am amazed that you can initiate a relationship. I have two people I should be at least emailing with, but my whole life is therapy, and they are healthy, so I don't know what to talk about with them.
((((Zen))))
Posted by shar on November 19, 2003, at 18:24:45
In reply to Whatta year thus far bruthah, posted by zenhussy on November 18, 2003, at 23:16:24
Zen,
I cannot say enough about how much I missed you and how glad I am to see you! And, despite all the horror...you are whole.Maybe don't feel it, but I just have this gut feeling, that you (and many of us 'just hanging on') will make it.
Oh, so nice to see your name again!
xoxo
Shar
Posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2003, at 17:26:15
In reply to Re: Whatta year thus far bruthah » zenhussy, posted by fallsfall on November 19, 2003, at 11:19:40
> Well, you certainly haven't been bored.
That is the understatement of the year! Laughed so hard when I read that. Thanks hon.
> You have done a lot of caretaking this year, your ICU family member, your friend's children. Sometimes I find that doing caretaking makes my life feel less worthless. Even if *I* am not worth anything, the people who I am helping are.Yep, the forced outside of one's own problems can be useful and helpful as long as one doesn't shove all of the self aside. I was almost there but fortunately collapsed and had the support team in place to keep it from being an in-patient situation.
> I hope the meds can settle down for you and start being helpful.
Me too!!! Please oh greater universe allow me some med peace. Too much to ask?
> I am amazed that you can initiate a relationship. I have two people I should be at least emailing with, but my whole life is therapy, and they are healthy, so I don't know what to talk about with them.
Hey there chickie, let's try a rephrase here. You have two people you *could* be at least e-mailing with..... Could, instead of should. That way you have the possibility. Should, implies necessity and almost sounds like a forced activity. Let's keep it light and possible, eh?
Oh healthy people are soooooo boring! ; ) I do know what you mean though. Sometimes with some of my more well adjusted (than me I guess) friends I just have nothing to call them with or write to them. I'm still depressed. Still living a meager existence. Hard to list accomplishments that *to me* seem important to others. Like who would care that today I did a load of laundry and folded it? Did the dishes? And vacuumed? (about to go out to the pharmacy--my new hangout---to pick up latest round of new meds) So I hear ya when you say you don't know what to say to the 'norms'. Let them worry about the quality of the conversation. For now be proud if you can have conversation. That is more important. Keep the contact. Don't worry about the deeper stuff now.
As far as initiating a relationship I'm not sure how this fell into my lap. Sometimes things work in mysterious ways. I'm as surprised as anyone could be. I truly didn't think I would even entertain the notion for at least another year. Shows what I know! Hah! = )
> ((((Zen))))
((((((((((fallsfall)))))))
back atcha babe. You sure were nice to post information about Dee while she was in hospital. I'm glad to read she is out. You've been a very supportive friend. I think the both of you are lucky. Take care sweet falls.zh
I haven't forgotten about the jacks. Thank you.
Posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2003, at 17:35:29
In reply to Re: Whatta year thus far bruthah » zenhussy, posted by shar on November 19, 2003, at 18:24:45
> Zen,
> I cannot say enough about how much I missed you and how glad I am to see you! And, despite all the horror...you are whole.Well you know a bit about me so I'm not quite whole but at least I'm considering the idea of becoming whole? It certainly is different to become so suddenly suicidal and outta left field type of thinking along with it. Strange stuff. Glad my pdoc and therapist and acupuncturist are all on top of what's going on.
> Maybe don't feel it, but I just have this gut feeling, that you (and many of us 'just hanging on') will make it.Damn skippy we all will make it!!
> Oh, so nice to see your name again!
> xoxo
> SharGood golly all this lovin is just becoming embarassing. (I'm drinking it up and trying to sit with the good feeling it brings without allowing the 'you don't deserve it' depression rant to take away from the goodness)
Thanks so much Shar. I'm working on getting through e-mails and have one to send to you hopefully tonight.....but if not I'll be gone until late Sunday so you may not hear from me until next week. I don't have your personal addy but will send to the one I do have. You don't check that one often so give it a scan tomorrow or next week okay?
Hugs and kisses and puppylove to the hounds from me and my smelly beast (the rains bring about a whole new level of dog to the house---funk!)
zh
check post in above thread from me to Mair to see great news about me ma. Such a nice surprise to hear.
Posted by shar on November 20, 2003, at 18:46:16
In reply to I stick around you stick around, deal? » shar, posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2003, at 17:35:29
ok, deal.
F*** I've had to make that deal with my sweetie, my therapist, and....now YOU!!!!!
Ok, I'll be here. It doesn't feel much better, but I've made a commitment to 'hanging in' despite my other wishes.
and, can I EVER relate to rain and dogs.......
xoxo
Shar
Posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2003, at 19:27:40
In reply to Re: I stick around you stick around, deal?, posted by shar on November 20, 2003, at 18:46:16
> ok, deal.
Cool. I'm quite serious in that given the methods of communication we have I'll reach out when low and gently request you make the same attempt. That's all anyone can really do.
> F*** I've had to make that deal with my sweetie, my therapist, and....now YOU!!!!!Yeah I'm a real pain with my caring and hoping you'll make it through. Nervy of me.
> Ok, I'll be here. It doesn't feel much better, but I've made a commitment to 'hanging in' despite my other wishes.
Oh, like I was all relieved to have to give up my 'plans' back when everyone on my support team found out just how pervasive the thinking had become?! Sucks to have to hang in there when the mind and body want out so badly (even when we can't understand quite why........and even when we do)
> and, can I EVER relate to rain and dogs.......
> xoxo
> SharI wasn't very stoked on going away this weekend but somehow the break from the smelly hound will be most refreshing. Plus she'll get to hang out with male energy of my roomie and play rough and be bitey and play in ways I don't let her(when mom's away the dog will play....)
((((Shar))))
Try to drink up some of that love that is pouring in your way from your hon and from other posters here and anywhere else it appears in your life.
zh
Posted by mair on November 21, 2003, at 11:45:18
In reply to Fricking pacts and people who care....the nerve! » shar, posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2003, at 19:27:40
You don't have to answer this of course, but would you tell me why you decided to remain among the living? I know how hard it is to come up with positives.
Mair
Posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2003, at 15:48:38
In reply to If you don't mind my intruding... » zenhussy, posted by mair on November 21, 2003, at 11:45:18
> You don't have to answer this of course, but would you tell me why you decided to remain among the living? I know how hard it is to come up with positives.
>
> MairHi Mair,
You aren't intruding at all. I'm awol from a retreat that I started early today and it will finish up late Sunday. Unfortunately my rx wasn't ready and I would have run out of two of my meds while up there. Soooooooo I had to bug out at lunch and go to my big box chain hell pharmacy. That being the case I decided to come home and grab a bite to eat before I haul myself back up the mountain into the deep dark woods.
I would really like to give your question the time it deserves with a thoughtful answer. I cannot do that now but wanted to let you know I've heard you and will be back about on Monday.
I don't mind answering at all. If anything it will help me figure things out in my mind too.
Would you mind doing me a favour? I'm not sure if you can post to PB2000 or not but would you somehow say Hey Racer for me? So nice to see her name back about the boards as well.
I will return to the computer Monday. Until then I hope your weekend brings you goodness in surprising bursts.
xoxo
zh
Posted by mair on November 21, 2003, at 16:54:31
In reply to Re: If you don't mind my intruding... » mair, posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2003, at 15:48:38
Shar, would you check out zh's last post to me and place a note on the 2000 Board for Racer as she requested. I might be able to post on the 2000 Board under an old name I used to use, but I think I gave up that right when I told Bob I wanted to participate on the 2001 Board.
Thanks
Mair
Posted by zenhussy on November 25, 2003, at 5:09:36
In reply to If you don't mind my intruding... » zenhussy, posted by mair on November 21, 2003, at 11:45:18
> You don't have to answer this of course, but would you tell me why you decided to remain among the living? I know how hard it is to come up with positives.
>
> MairMair,
Firstly, thank you for relaying a message to Racer. I had no idea you were or were not a poster to 2000. I can barely remember where I was in the year 2000! ; ) So many thanks for that.
Okay, why did I decide to talk to A LOT of people about setting a suicide date? It came up so suddenly--the feeling of just knowing that whatever date it was I had set (it was months away back in October when this popped into my head) was the right thing to do. At first I only told one member of my health care team....the only one who wasn't obligated to report my conversation about suicide. I, in my distorted thinking, began to think that since it was so far off it was silly for anyone to go getting upset. Like why would anyone care? That kind of distortion.
So I told one member. Who DID report to a supervising doctor and suddenly the heat was on. I was strongly urged to relay this information to the other members of my heath care team. I specifically did not share it with the other two required-by-law-to-report-suicidality members for a reason. Duh! I spoke to a few trusted friends and got their reactions and really tried to take their words to heart.
I finally told my other two health care people and they didn't freak or overreact like I had anticipated. They were most concerned and did take me very seriously. Once I was reassured that I would not be locked up just for talking about how I felt and why I felt that way (at least from what I could glean from my bizarre thought process) I realized I could talk about the hard things with these people and not have them shun me or toss me away into a mental health system that has many cracks. I think you know the pieces of my story I refer to by saying my previous experiences of being locked in mental facilities were beyond heinous and only added to my trauma(s).
My pdoc began playing musical meds with me to try to offset this downward trend in my thought process. It has been so icky at times that I want to stop all meds and stop seeing the pdoc. That's not an option but I hate being in that place where I'm questioning everything the doc does and why certain decisions are made when *I'm* the one having to ride out the craptacular side effects! I don't like the current situation but I'm willing to play lab rat for a while longer since anything has got to be better than setting up one's 'estate' (I use that term so loosely that it is beyond funny!!!) for after one passes. I was morbidly moving forward with plans in spite of talking to people about them.
Enter cupid.
I am involved in a relationship which to me isn't something I thought I would be doing again for quite some time. It has been a gentle courting. I'm rather stumped by it all but I'm learning not to question what lessons are presented to us in times of great sorrow.
So if that is vague enough for you I hope this helps.
Feel free to ask anything if it could help you as I'm all muddled up in living this crazy jumbled thinking that to talk about it helps unwind some of the seeming craziness that is actually rooted in something quite simple which ends up profound after examination.
I ramble. I slept away most of Monday recovering from the marathon weekend I did. That's a whole 'nother post later.
Take care Mair.
zenhussy
Posted by shar on November 25, 2003, at 13:36:41
In reply to re: why I decided to remain among the living? » mair, posted by zenhussy on November 25, 2003, at 5:09:36
Plus yer not 50 yet!!!!!
Glad you decided to stay, Zen, and my highest, Daoist well-wishes are with you.
Here's my pickle: I can stay, but it feels so awful. Awful to be depressed and suicidal. But, I promised (the number of people has increased exponentially, it seems....)...but it just feels so bad. Treatment resistant depression and all that.
Shar
Posted by zenhussy on November 25, 2003, at 14:17:27
In reply to re: why I decided to remain among the living? » zenhussy, posted by shar on November 25, 2003, at 13:36:41
> Plus yer not 50 yet!!!!!
>
> Glad you decided to stay, Zen, and my highest, Daoist well-wishes are with you.
>
> Here's my pickle: I can stay, but it feels so awful. Awful to be depressed and suicidal. But, I promised (the number of people has increased exponentially, it seems....)...but it just feels so bad. Treatment resistant depression and all that.
>
> Shar
I can't offer up anything other than this: ((((Shar)))))Sucks hon. I hear you on the treatment resistant part. Check that e-mail addy for some info for you please!
I'm glad we both have pesky caring people bothering us to slog through this so called life.
Can you think of any little microscopic thing that brings about a moment of 'okayness'? One thing that softens the pain for a few seconds?
I'm not in the hole but depression is definitely making some headway again. Dratted disease!
Hope to hear from you by e-mail since I'm not looking for you to reply with a novel but just with a brief response. If you would be so kind....
Take care Shar. Yes, I'm glad I'm trying to figure out how to survive this life stuff. I'm glad you are as well but I hurt to think of you living with such pain. All my support dear.
zh
Posted by 8 Miles on December 6, 2003, at 16:52:02
In reply to re: why I decided to remain among the living? » mair, posted by zenhussy on November 25, 2003, at 5:09:36
Well, Zen,
That's an interesting story, told very elequently.
I know what you mean about date setting, but I can not allow myself to think that way, because I have too many other people to worry about. Isn't that strange? We think about others more than ourselves, how it affects THEM, when we are thinking and ruminating about taking that last breath. The problem with all of that: what's on the other side?8
Posted by zenhussy on December 7, 2003, at 13:33:38
In reply to re: why I decided to remain among the living? » zenhussy, posted by 8 Miles on December 6, 2003, at 16:52:02
> Well, Zen,
> That's an interesting story, told very elequently.Thank you.
> I know what you mean about date setting, but I can not allow myself to think that way, because I have too many other people to worry about. Isn't that strange? We think about others more than ourselves, how it affects THEM, when we are thinking and ruminating about taking that last breath.
I wish I could be at the point where I could just say I won't think this way but my disease isn't under control enough to be fully confident of that yet.
The distortions of my illness would have me believe that my life is far less worthy (quite worthless in fact is how the shtick goes) than any of those around me. Sadly I buy into that and fall deeper into depression at times.
Fortunately I have many good people around me who remind me that I cannot base my existence upon meeting some financial earning potential or playing my role in the capitalistic consumerism gone mad in the USA.
>The problem with all of that: what's on the other side?
> 88,
I don't know what is on 'the other side'. I do know that from a scientific background I have a spiritual side and that is quite personal to me but the belief I continue to come up with is back to ashes and returned to the earth from whence I came. Old rock hounds like myself see humankind as a blip on the timeline of this planet. Sometimes that brings me comfort as in this too shall pass since we are merely a visiting moment in the geologic time frame of life. Other times I get very despondent when viewing my life in the context of whatever I do doesn't really matter in the greater scheme of things.
As for what that greater scheme is? Dunno.
Thanks for the food for thought.
zenhussy
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