Posted by zenhussy on November 25, 2003, at 5:09:36
In reply to If you don't mind my intruding... » zenhussy, posted by mair on November 21, 2003, at 11:45:18
> You don't have to answer this of course, but would you tell me why you decided to remain among the living? I know how hard it is to come up with positives.
>
> MairMair,
Firstly, thank you for relaying a message to Racer. I had no idea you were or were not a poster to 2000. I can barely remember where I was in the year 2000! ; ) So many thanks for that.
Okay, why did I decide to talk to A LOT of people about setting a suicide date? It came up so suddenly--the feeling of just knowing that whatever date it was I had set (it was months away back in October when this popped into my head) was the right thing to do. At first I only told one member of my health care team....the only one who wasn't obligated to report my conversation about suicide. I, in my distorted thinking, began to think that since it was so far off it was silly for anyone to go getting upset. Like why would anyone care? That kind of distortion.
So I told one member. Who DID report to a supervising doctor and suddenly the heat was on. I was strongly urged to relay this information to the other members of my heath care team. I specifically did not share it with the other two required-by-law-to-report-suicidality members for a reason. Duh! I spoke to a few trusted friends and got their reactions and really tried to take their words to heart.
I finally told my other two health care people and they didn't freak or overreact like I had anticipated. They were most concerned and did take me very seriously. Once I was reassured that I would not be locked up just for talking about how I felt and why I felt that way (at least from what I could glean from my bizarre thought process) I realized I could talk about the hard things with these people and not have them shun me or toss me away into a mental health system that has many cracks. I think you know the pieces of my story I refer to by saying my previous experiences of being locked in mental facilities were beyond heinous and only added to my trauma(s).
My pdoc began playing musical meds with me to try to offset this downward trend in my thought process. It has been so icky at times that I want to stop all meds and stop seeing the pdoc. That's not an option but I hate being in that place where I'm questioning everything the doc does and why certain decisions are made when *I'm* the one having to ride out the craptacular side effects! I don't like the current situation but I'm willing to play lab rat for a while longer since anything has got to be better than setting up one's 'estate' (I use that term so loosely that it is beyond funny!!!) for after one passes. I was morbidly moving forward with plans in spite of talking to people about them.
Enter cupid.
I am involved in a relationship which to me isn't something I thought I would be doing again for quite some time. It has been a gentle courting. I'm rather stumped by it all but I'm learning not to question what lessons are presented to us in times of great sorrow.
So if that is vague enough for you I hope this helps.
Feel free to ask anything if it could help you as I'm all muddled up in living this crazy jumbled thinking that to talk about it helps unwind some of the seeming craziness that is actually rooted in something quite simple which ends up profound after examination.
I ramble. I slept away most of Monday recovering from the marathon weekend I did. That's a whole 'nother post later.
Take care Mair.
zenhussy
poster:zenhussy
thread:281064
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/283514.html