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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
I, after having some pretty horrible dates recently, was wondering what it was about a particular woman that makes men really treat the woman with respect?
Why is it some women always get flowers/gifts from men, and some women (like me) don't?
I'm kind and compassionate. Does that mean men find me weak or invaluable somehow?
I give gifts/do little things for my guy. Does that mean he feels he can take me for granted?
I'm not bitchy like some of my friends who demand a man make a certain salary, etc. Does that mean men think I have low standards so they feel they can treat me any way they want?
I know none of you know me, but maybe you know some typical female behavior that attracts men who don't respect them? Or even better, is there some type of behavior that makes a man really value a woman? I think, other than dealing with depression, this is the last place I really need to fix to feel whole and healthy.
What do you think I'm doing wrong?
Thanks!
Posted by Ted on August 12, 2003, at 17:21:31
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
Hi Susan,
> What do you think I'm doing wrong?
In a way, you aren't doing anything wrong. Then again, you might be doing everything wrong. Here's my point of view: What kind of men do you date? What is their personality like?
For example: One former coworker of mine liked the "bad boy" type, but then made the same complaints as you (and many worse). Well, it wasn't HER really, it was her choice in men.
Too often people (men and women) end up with the same type of significant other over and over again. My sister is on marriage #4 and all husbands were essentially alike. Look at who you attract and that might be your answer.
Good luck
Ted
Posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 18:00:04
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
And poetry too, good poetry! it was the first time I'd ever recieved jewelery and promises of undying love, this June. Whats more my best friend liked him, and he told me I had someone in my corner no matter how bad things got.
He was going away to work for a while he said, and left me some things, that I could hang onto to feel 'secure' in knowing that he'd be coming back, when things got tough.
Finally I thought its happened, I'm not dating a creep.
And then he disappeared without a traceDo I have advice for you haaha ha ha ha ha ha!
nope.
No seriously I do empathize with your horrible dates, its a jungle out there and full of asterisks..
Actually in the last two months on the board I've never seen so many broken hearts, and I've been posting for a year.
I'm afraid even jewelery doesn't count for much,
you can't even sell it, everyone thinks its stolen.
Posted by Dinah on August 12, 2003, at 19:07:46
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
I've been with the same man for 24 years, and dated a total of five or six people. But my cousin once asked me how every guy I dated ended up being such a nice decent guy. And the answer was simple. I didn't date anyone I wouldn't want as a friend first and foremost. And once I said yes to a date, I had clear expectations of acceptable behavior. Apparently very clear, because I never had anyone come close to behaving badly.
And as someone else said, my cousin was attracted to the exciting dangerous sort of guy, while I liked smart funny guys who were maybe the teensiest bit geeky and very earnest. I've always said my biggest turn-on (revealing my age) was honor and integrity. Shiver... Gives me goosebumps every time. Anyone ever read "Roselynde"? Ok, I admit it's an historical romance. But the hero, Simon, is my idea of the sexiest man alive. The very picture of honor.
Ok, so my dating advice really really isn't worth much. But I did get a really great husband. :)
Posted by Tabitha on August 13, 2003, at 1:20:31
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
Susan, I'll give this topic a shot. IMO, it's a combination of 2 things
1) giving the right vibe
2) weeding out the jerks and noticing the decent guys who are interested.To give the right vibe, I think it's just a matter of seeming like a stable, mature, ladylike person. When I was younger and cultivated a little bit of a bad girl persona, with obvious moodswings and alcohol abuse, of course the decent guys were scared off quickly. Being too overtly sexual is also sure to scare off the gentlemen and attract the creeps. Not knowing you at all, of course I don't know if these things are an issue for you.
The next one is just noticing the decent guys who might be interested, and steering clear of the not so decent guys. The decent guys won't hit on you so much-- you have to be more receptive to notice their interest. Dinah made a great point-- ask yourself if he's the type of guy who could become a trusted friend. Look for character and integrity. To weed out the losers, just listen to your instincts. Do you feel completely safe going on a date with him? How do you think he'll act?
It's also good to find a guy who seems just a little bit smitten with you. That guy is more likely to make an effort to take you on a nice first date.
Posted by Susan J on August 13, 2003, at 8:30:05
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
Thanks, guys, I appreciate the input.
Well, the type of guy I go for.
I want a guy who is emotionally open, physically and verbally affectionate, honest, dependable, has some stuff at least in common with me, and cares about ethics like I do. I can weed them out just fine if they don't call when they say they will, don't show up, lie about dating others, steal stuff, etc. :-)I liked the comment about dating only a guy you'd be friends with. It always starts out that way with me. I'm kind of shy, and I have to know someone a little before I can figure out if I'm attracted to them or not. But it goes back to my always seeing somebody in a positive light and then for some reason, ignoring the faults that start appearing later.
I dated a guy for four years. He was honest, dependable, we had stuff in common. Seemed fine. But he would never have sex! (Can I post that?). The issue was HIS depression and failure to recognize it. Now, going for a year or two with a BOYFRIEND who doesn't want to make love to you just kills your ego. So, I asked him to move out finally.
Met a guy who seemed really nice, definitely emotionally open, a neatnik like me, bike rider like me, cared about ethics like me. Sounded perfect....well, ended up he was so scared of emotional intimacy he shut down totally to the point he wasn't eve human. When I felt like I just wanted to die one night, he wouldn't console me on the phone because he needed to hook up his stereo system....
But I'll definitely take the friend comment to heart.....I saw signs of this last guy not being even good friend material fairly early on....just wanted to be "happy" so I ignored them...
Thanks!
Posted by KimberlyDi on August 14, 2003, at 12:18:22
In reply to Any Men (or women) Out There With Dating Advice??, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 15:54:52
The continuing saga of people-pleasers seeking other people-pleasers... OK, first of all, if you are like me, you're *picker* is broken. You are attracted to the wrong type. Or, like sharks smelling blood in the water, the wrong type is attracted to your vulnerability.Up your standards. Put your dating on hold. Make your own happiness a priority. Know what you want and don't accept anything else. Don't tolerate disrespect. Don't always give 2nd and 3rd chances. Date people with good qualities. Don't date based on looks. A fine looking man gets pretty ugly if he makes you miserable.
It usually boils down to the fact that men treat you that way, because you put up with it. Which is great, because you can change that.
It's all about you. :)
KDi in Texas> I, after having some pretty horrible dates recently, was wondering what it was about a particular woman that makes men really treat the woman with respect?
>
> Why is it some women always get flowers/gifts from men, and some women (like me) don't?
>
> I'm kind and compassionate. Does that mean men find me weak or invaluable somehow?
>
> I give gifts/do little things for my guy. Does that mean he feels he can take me for granted?
>
> I'm not bitchy like some of my friends who demand a man make a certain salary, etc. Does that mean men think I have low standards so they feel they can treat me any way they want?
>
> I know none of you know me, but maybe you know some typical female behavior that attracts men who don't respect them? Or even better, is there some type of behavior that makes a man really value a woman? I think, other than dealing with depression, this is the last place I really need to fix to feel whole and healthy.
>
> What do you think I'm doing wrong?
>
> Thanks!
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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