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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 1:03:40
I failed! I've never failed anything before (scholastically, that is). Not that I've succeeded so greatly, but I've just never failed a big test like this. I failed the practical portion, which I knew I didn't have enough time for, and my pdoc can write me a note so that I can get more time if I take it again. I had to get it together so fast during that time (moving and breaking up) that I didn't get that in place--pdoc note.
I almost saw my ex tonight. We were talking on the phone about possibly getting counseling and we both admitted we were lonely. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner, and I said I'd think about it. Then I went home and got my fail notice--they write it really large. GRADE: FAIL. I was reminded of the reason I probably failed. I called him and said no. (Didn't tell him I failed, however.)
Nothing like that for a boost in the ol self esteem. GRADE: FAIL GRADE: FAILGRADE: FAILGRADE: FAILGRADE: FAILGRADE: FAIL
Well you get the point.
I cried. Threatened to hurt myself, but didn't. Then I sulked. Then I sat like a corpse upon the couch and watched cruel reality television.
I am trying not to make this mean as much as I could.
Really easily could.
Posted by Sabina on July 24, 2003, at 1:34:24
In reply to I failed half of my test!, posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 1:03:40
changing residence and break-ups are two of the top ten major life crises and you had to deal with them both at once! i think it's an incredible accomplishment to have even taken the test, considering.
you said yourself that you've never failed at anything scholastically before, right? common sense dictates that this current test score was due to the extenuating circumstances and NOT in any way a reflection on your capabilities or intelligence. (will you read that last sentence one more time for me?)
plus, you already know you will have a chance to vindicate yourself. you're doing great not to let that big, bad four letter word (fail, not the other one!) take control of you. i think you're doing just great...and doing it on your own steam, too.
Posted by giget on July 24, 2003, at 6:44:18
In reply to Re: I failed half of my test!, posted by Sabina on July 24, 2003, at 1:34:24
Sorry about the grade on your test... I know how much that ment to you.
If it would have been me, there is no way I could have even walked into the test... so I am so proud of you, for taking on the test during all the hurt.
How is your apt going? Is this one any better?
(((Kara)))
Posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2003, at 7:56:28
In reply to I failed half of my test!, posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 1:03:40
Sabina said it so beautifully. You had enormous stress. Just walking in to the test was a victory.
I'm glad you said no to your ex. Loneliness can be filled by more than one person.
Sorry for your disappointment.
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2003, at 10:26:02
In reply to I failed half of my test!, posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 1:03:40
It's not that horrible, Kara Lynne. It was absolutely horrible (and terribly unkind) timing on his part. You couldn't be expected to be at your best. You can take the test over again, right? Wait until you think you're in good shape again.
And don't judge yourself harshly for it. The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine, with the exact same results. It's only to be expected I think.
Posted by Tabitha on July 24, 2003, at 11:05:27
In reply to I failed half of my test!, posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 1:03:40
just a little wake-up call maybe... saying 'focus over here' for a while.
Posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 13:38:46
In reply to Re: I failed half of my test! » kara lynne, posted by Tabitha on July 24, 2003, at 11:05:27
This Doxepin makes me a zombie. But I keep waking up and realizing I failed and then falling back asleep. I just went to make coffee and broke two beautiful dishes someone made for me--accidentally--because I'm so groggy. One was a little ceramic dish with a monkey in a kung fu outfit with his hands in prayer. It was my favorite dish. I used it feed my cat.
I can take the test over. They are actually restructuring that part of the exam because people have had so much trouble with the format. I feel I could have passed if I'd had more time and it wasn't such a confusing style of testing.
But my confidence is still shot. I am taking it as a sign that I'm no good at this, and not meant to do it. I did pass the hardest licensing exam already; I took this one in large part because of my ex--because it would allow me to practice out of state (in a few more areas, anyway). But I'm having the hardest time with this--it's the first time I've ever followed through with anything in my life. I am stuck in limbo-- I've just finished all this schooling and I'm afraid to go forward with it. I have a serious imposter syndrome--I truly believe I went through 5 years of school and fooled everyone, that I don't know a thing. And this confirms it.
Other people fail and move on. I know people who failed the other test and are still planning their practices. Some people were taking the comprehensive exam 4 and 5 times in school and still found it reasonable to get up in the morning. A few can't graduate because of it. I would go so far as to say they were even happy--maybe not about taking the exam, but in their lives. They don't view it in the same way; they just don't attach that devastating significance.
I had to consider there might be a God, because I wouldn't have been able to go through that and finish school. And now...?
I can take the test again in a few months, if I can get myself to look at the form and decide to send it in. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Sorry for self-indulgent punishing vortex-- someone please show the rat another path in the maze...
Meanwhile I don't look forward to telling people. I will have to tell my father, he paid for it. And my ex! He's been asking whether or not I passed. I was reading something about abusive relationships--how you get worn down and collapsed, and then punished for your failure.
A couple of new-ish friends know I took the test. That's difficult, because one woman is sort of trying to promote me and I'm really embarrassed to tell her this now. It doesn't look good--I wouldn't want to go to someone who failed.
I think I'm over the Doxepin. My two day marathon trial.
F**k. FAIL.
Posted by kara lynne on July 25, 2003, at 13:40:11
In reply to I feel terrible., posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 13:38:46
Posted by ROO on July 25, 2003, at 14:33:47
In reply to I feel terrible., posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 13:38:46
Just curious...what are you studying?
Yeah, just let the little voices go on and on
and tell you how shitty you are....they are like
the bullies on the bus...You can notice them chattering
on....but you don't have to buy what they say.
Posted by kara lynne on July 25, 2003, at 16:25:54
In reply to Re: I feel terrible., posted by ROO on July 25, 2003, at 14:33:47
Thank you for responding. Due to shame, can I tell you after I take the test again?
Unless I can get those bullies off the bus...
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
In reply to Re: I feel terrible., posted by kara lynne on July 25, 2003, at 16:25:54
It's very interesting. You can see who likes you here, and who doesn't.
I can take a scroll and feel like I'm in high school. Do you think they call it high school because everyone's high all the time?
Posted by Sabina on July 26, 2003, at 3:16:10
In reply to and still embarrassed., posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
i'm sorry you feel terrible. my guess is that lots of us must be feeling pretty low today/tonight. i know i'm in really crappy shape. i can't even talk about it. i hope things get better for you soon, really. i don't think that light response to a post is indicative of how well someone is liked. from what i've noticed in the past, i always thought of you as partiularly well liked here. in any case, when it happens to me i just assume that most of the regular folks have read it and sympathized, but just not really had any strong comments to add to the matter and so didn't post back. or that they were having such a bad time of it themselves physically and/or emotionally that they had nothing left for anyone else at the moment. i know that's often why i don't respond to people's posts. i'm sorry i'm rambling now and making no sense, even to myself. i feel like i've got tiny bugs in my veins. it's xanax time. nighty-might...or good morning, depending on your schedule.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 5:37:48
In reply to and still embarrassed., posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
I wouldn't read more into it than there is, Kara Lynne. A lot of people commiserated with you over your quite understandable test results. I really think it was just rotten timing. How can you focus on a test while reeling.
Then maybe they didn't know what else to say.
It's true that people tend to feel a kinship with certain people frequently based on being in the same general place in life's journey. But for the most part, and with few exceptions, I tend to respond to a post based more on the subject content than the poster. If it's about relationships, I really don't have a lot to add, and what I do add might be really annoying. I don't have much experience in the area. It's rare that I don't respond to a post about therapy. If I think I have something to add, I do. If not, I don't.
I think that's just the way this board works.
Posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 9:25:28
In reply to and still embarrassed., posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
Don't be embarrased by the ebb and flow of responses. There are so many things that go into the ups and downs of responses. It absolutely does not indicate who likes you and who might not.
Whether I respond to a post depends on so many different things, and these factors change all the time--some that I can think of are: the obvious--whether I can get online; how much energy I have; my attention span at that moment will affect how many posts I read in one online session as well as whether I can read long posts; certain subjects catch my eye at certain times, while at other times, other subjects catch my eye; my own emotional state at the moment and what I can deal with; whether words come to me or not--sometimes I'll want to respond to a post, but I feel like I need to think more about it and sometimes I read posts but don't have energy to respond, or the words just don't get organized, etc. etc. etc.
Yes, you are right that there are certain relationships that have formed here based on shared experiences or as Dinah said, where people happen to be in their life journeys at the moment, or just length of acquaintance, etc. But I tend to be a fairly "independent" operator here in that I do not really have individual contact with anyone. But I know that some people have chosen to get to know each other via email or telephone and that is ok for me. And sometimes, there are threads that seem to involve pairs or small groups of people who have a certain connection with each other that I don't have. That is ok with me, too. Sometimes, I might throw a post into one of these threads if it interests me, but I recognize that I don't have to be part of every conversation. Kind of like in a room full of people, like a party. There are many different conversations going on at once and people mingle, but they can't all necessarily mingle so thoroughly to be able to drop in on every grouping and conversation.
So, yes, sometimes people look for certain posters to continue their conversations, etc. But I also get the sense here that people are open to relating to the whole gang of us. I have learned not to take lack of response personally. If I ask something and don't get much of a response, I might be disappointed, but there isn't anything to be embarrassed about. If it is important to me, I might try asking again--timing is often an unpredictable factor.
Anyway, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. You were already feeling so fragile and then the test thing happened. I'm glad to hear that you can re take the test, and that there was some validation that the test might have been "off", causing a lot of people to have difficulty with it, not just you.
Posted by fallsfall on July 26, 2003, at 10:35:46
In reply to and still embarrassed., posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
You said something about being an impostor. You have the credentials (or most of them) but feel like you don't have the knowledge to do the job.
I didn't respond because that hit too close to home for me. While I've had a successful career (pre-depression), I always felt like everyone else knew more than I did, and I was always "faking" it. In my old age I am starting to figure out that everybody has only partial knowledge and you succeed by finding people to help you with the parts you don't have.
Absolutely - impostor. It does not feel good.
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 13:03:10
In reply to Re: and still embarrassed. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 26, 2003, at 10:35:46
Feeling like I did at first or like I do now for expressing it and having people respond?
Oh-keh. Must be time to do something different.
Thanks.
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 13:54:00
In reply to Re: and still embarrassed., posted by Sabina on July 26, 2003, at 3:16:10
Thanks for taking the time to post to me; I know you're going through a particularly difficult time yourself right now..
I hope it's understood and I don't have to include disclaimers about being self-indulgent -I take that as a given! Yes, it is a self-centered thing, this obsessing (not that you were saying that, I am).
Why bugs in your veins? That's awful, Sabina. I hope you're feeling better today.
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 13:59:33
In reply to Re: and still embarrassed. » kara lynne, posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 9:25:28
"Kind of like in a room full of people, like a party. There are many different conversations going on at once and people mingle, but they can't all necessarily mingle so thoroughly to be able to drop in on every grouping and conversation."
Good point. And I am soooooo uncomfortable at parties!! My heart breaks if I'm not invited, and it sinks if I am...
Posted by gabbix2 on July 26, 2003, at 14:00:35
In reply to Sabina, posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 13:54:00
Sometimes if a message strikes a chord with a lot of people they might not respond because they feel that they can't "help" they can only offer fellow commiseration. It does actually help but speaking from experience you can feel self conscious using it as your only form of giving back sometimes.
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 14:13:11
In reply to Re: and still embarrassed. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 26, 2003, at 10:35:46
Thank you fallsfall. I appreciate your responses always, but I wouldn't want you to post if it made you uncomfortable. Thank you for explaining that.
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 14:21:13
In reply to Re: and still embarrassed. » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 5:37:48
You are ever the voice of fairness and kindness. I hope you're feeling better today also.
And can we talk about feet for a minute?! Your's may be 'not dainty', but mine are downright...not pretty. It's summer and I want to wear cute little sandals, but my feet...ugh. I put on a nice light dress, look in the mirror, scan down to my feet, take it off and put on jeans.
Posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 18:37:10
In reply to Which is more embarrassing?, posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 13:03:10
Hey, many of us have been there--the shame game. You are damning yourself if you do and if you don't.
Shame about shame is pretty darn awful. I know.
It's the old pal, Amygdala at work, I suspect.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 20:10:32
In reply to Dinah, posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 14:21:13
Posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 23:10:06
In reply to Re: Which is more embarrassing? » kara lynne, posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 18:37:10
Can I sing back up?
Posted by Phil on July 27, 2003, at 12:18:03
In reply to and still embarrassed., posted by kara lynne on July 26, 2003, at 2:21:11
I don't think people change from middle school on. We're all 8th graders at heart unfortunately.
Failure is good but doesn't feel good when it happens. Unless you build skyscrapers, failure teaches wisdom and empathy and moves you along to a better place.
I haven't learned much from my little successes but when I fail, I learn. The people who have fallen from the top are usually better people for it. It's either learn this lesson or be angry over it.
On the other hand, not looking both ways at an intersection and having a wreck is not necessary to grow as a person. : ).05
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