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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 28. Go back in thread:
Posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 17:02:52
In reply to I'm glad you asked that, posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 16:31:52
could someone fix that, or post underneath it so it doesn't just sit here looking stupid.
thanksGabbi the gormless...
Posted by Greg on July 24, 2003, at 18:04:30
In reply to Advice need....., posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 16:17:48
Nikki has some good ideas for places to start, social gatherings. Just mingle and listen for topics that you're interested in. Even those you aren't but would like to learn about, and ask questions about the subject. When you're in a group of people, don't be afraid to suggest going out to eat, or to see a movie if that's appropriate.
Tina, when I spoke to you the first time, I was scared to death. But you made me feel so comfortable, that when both our feet hit the ground running, we became best friends. If you let people get to know the you that I know, you'll have more friends than you know what to do with.
Start small with a few people you know, and work you're way up from there. You'll do fine.
XO,
Me> How does a person make a friend? I mean a real life friend, not an internet friend.
> I haven't got any but I have no idea how to get one. I got married 10 years ago and haven't even tried to make or keep a friend. My marriage was my whole life. My husband was the only friend I needed but now I don't have him so I need to relearn the skills to make friends. I've gone to church but I still feel outside and very distanced from other people. I can converse and make jokes but I don't ever feel connected.
> If anyone has any real ideas, I'd appreciate a crash course in making friends.
> I know I sound like a simpleton but I really have no idea what I'm doing.
> thanks
> tina
Posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 18:05:41
In reply to Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^, posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 17:02:52
Boy can I tell you're canadian Willow. Only the english and their descendants use the word gormless......hahahahahahaha
well there's your post underneath so you don't look gormless at all.....
hugs
tina
Posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 18:07:15
In reply to Re: Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^, posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 18:05:41
Posted by Greg on July 24, 2003, at 18:09:10
In reply to Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^, posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 17:02:52
gabbi, did you post twice because it's your uniqueness?
I truly do think you're charming!
I hope you don't mind if a California boy tells you that...
Greggerg
Posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 18:11:26
In reply to Re: Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^, posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 18:05:41
Oh I didn't take it as an insult!
I'm just thankful that you posted under my thread, and I feel even less gormless because you called me Willow, and I'm Gabbi,
Ha! You did it on purpose to make me feel better right?
Actually I did that to Roo once before, I called her Alii.
And definitely Tina I took no offence to that either, I thought it was funny, and besides when you're stressed out its amazing what mistakes you make.
Posted by whiterabbit on July 24, 2003, at 18:21:28
In reply to Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^, posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 17:02:52
I guess I'll be doing the same thing pretty soon here, once I'm out of the house. I made most of my friends at work but then I chased them away when I got really depressed, I wouldn't talk on the phone or leave the house...still don't like talking on the phone.
I think you have to make yourself get out of the house for your own sake, not just to meet people...I think that when you're really involved with something you're interested in, people are naturally drawn to you...being interested makes you interesting, I think. So I agree with the suggestion of taking a class, go learn something new, these days they have classes for everything
from computer skills to growing orchids.One of the things I might do, if I find a place to live where I can have pets, is to get another dog (we have two, but they're staying with my STBX)and train this one right by taking classes...
our dogs have ME trained, the way it is now.Well that's a start-
Gracie
Posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 18:28:51
In reply to Re: Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^ » gabbix2, posted by Greg on July 24, 2003, at 18:09:10
Actually I think you just might have made my day.
(well really I know you did)
Posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 18:37:03
In reply to Re: Oh I didn't mean to start a new thread^^^^ » tina, posted by gabbix2 on July 24, 2003, at 18:11:26
Of course I called you Willow on purpose gabbi. We're all canadian aren't we? We gotta stick together ;-) even if we are a weird bunch.
Posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2003, at 20:38:43
In reply to Advice need....., posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 16:17:48
Find an activity that you used to like as a kid (mine are ice skating and chorus). These exist for adults, too. This way you don't feel completely inept (you used to do this thing), and you know you enjoy it. I also second the support group concept. Don't be afraid to ask someone if they want to go out for coffee or ice cream after an activity - that's when it will start to get more personal.
Posted by noa on July 24, 2003, at 21:07:25
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by Greg on July 24, 2003, at 18:04:30
The friends I've made have been from past work settings, or some groups I have been involved with, etc.
But it isn't that easy--it's true.
Some cities have clubs that do community service volunteering together--some of them are for singles. It can be a good way to make friends, I think.
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2003, at 21:27:27
In reply to Advice need....., posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 16:17:48
Boy, if you figure it out, let me know. My husband and I are looking for "couple friends". People we could go to dinner with, that sort of thing. But the really nice people, I'm afraid of approaching. I'm always sure they're filled up with friends, and why on earth would they want me.
I've got most of the friends now that I had in high school, but have only met one since then. I met her in Lamaze class and we just kept running into each other everywhere. It seemed sort of silly not to become friends.
But other than that, I'm lousy at it.
There is a nice lady at work, so nice that I'm quite sure that she wouldn't want to be bothered by me. So I make sure I don't bother her. Finally it occurred to me that I was being so careful not to bother her, that I was being rude. So I started to be very careful to be friendly, and guess what? She was friendly back! Then I got sure I was defective again and withdrew.
So I've told you how "not" to make friends and influence people. Hope that helps. :)
Posted by Tabitha on July 24, 2003, at 21:33:58
In reply to Re: Advice need....., posted by noa on July 24, 2003, at 21:07:25
Tina,
I'm not good at making friends either. I find that taking classes doesn't help much-- it takes me longer to get to know people than classes usually last. I pretty much need a regular group that meets weekly, or else I never seem to get past the 'Hi' stage with people. I made the most friends when I was going to a support group that met weekly and went to coffee afterward. After a year or so I became friends with 4 of the regulars.I've even gone to social clubs and never gotten to the point where I saw people outside the group.
I think the support group was a good social setting for me, since it naturally encouraged people to open up more than a typical social club.
I need ideas myself! My friends are too few and far away.
Posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 0:34:06
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2003, at 21:27:27
Dinah, I use the word defective, too...
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:39:53
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 0:34:06
:) Well, obviously you aren't defective. But of course, I am. Isn't it odd how we describe ourselves in ways we wouldn't even dream of thinking of others?
Posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 9:19:41
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2003, at 20:38:43
> Find an activity that you used to like as a kid (mine are ice skating and chorus).
The problem with that is that I don't remember being a kid let alone what I used to like doing.
I don't really like to do anything. I can't remember a time when I actually felt joy while doing anything. Some things are more interesting than others but nothing really 'grabs' me, you know? I wish I could find a hobby or an activity to look forward to.
I wish I could find anything to look forward to. My immediate future is looking just plain hard and full of hurt. My long term future looks lonely and empty.
I can't imagine every day just the same as this one. Year after year. Nothing to look forward to.
Gee, wonder why I don't have any friends??? Hmmmm
Making friends is impossible when you believe no one wants you. Ya know?
.big sigh.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 9:53:55
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » fallsfall, posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 9:19:41
Sounds like depression, Tina. Or at least dysthmia. It's like reading a textbook of the symptoms. Unable to find joy in things, hopeless.
Chronic dysthmia is a tough one. Although I generally deny it, I probably have a component of it myself. And you just get so used to it that it seems like normal. :(
Posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 10:11:16
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 9:53:55
there's nothing that can be done about it though Dinah. It's just the way it is. Gotta accept that I suppose. I guess just being semi-ok will have to do. I'm not ever taking another anti-depressant. I refuse. The side effects aren't worth it. So, mediocrity is the norm and that's it.
Joy and happiness are for others and I hope they find them.
I'll just continue to pray for a short life for myself.
thanks sweet dinah. You're a wonderful person. I hope you know that.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 10:22:15
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » Dinah, posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 10:11:16
Thanks, Tina. I appreciate your kindness.
You know, I agree with you for the most part. AD's s*ck. The side effects are awful. I'm saving them for the very worst of my depressions and the rest of the time I deal with it by therapy and other methods. The only meds I take are for anxiety and agitation. Those I can't deal with.
I've always thought that happiness was a talent that I just didn't have. I guess that's an exaggeration. I have heard studies that one's emotional set point can be raised (I think through CBT therapy) but I've never much believed it.
Posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 11:13:20
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 10:22:15
ADs can have side effects, and sometimes wicked side effects. But not all ADs have intolerable side effects for all people.
I have dry mouth, constipation, restless legs, insomnia, tremors, sweating. But I also have ways of dealing with all of those to get them to a managable level (still working on the sweating). I know that the side effects are a pain in the neck, but they certainly are better than full blown depression. Depression means that you can't live your life. Constipation means that you need to eat prunes. I'll take the prunes.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 11:30:48
In reply to Re: Advice need....., posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 11:13:20
True enough. That's why I said I was saving them for major depressive episodes. I don't find the side effects worth it for dysthmia. I've only had a few episodes of major depression in my life. My main problems have more to do with anxiety, agitation, and affective instability. So my reactions are different than pure depressives.
Posted by Tabitha on July 25, 2003, at 13:11:03
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » Dinah, posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 10:11:16
Wow, tina, I hate to hear you give up on treatment when you feel so bad. You've probably heard this before, and maybe tried it, but there must be other options. Like different drug classes, or taking tiny doses of ADs, or combining meds to offset the intolerable side effecs. Life is too hard when your brain isn't able to generate happy feelings or hope. Everyone deserves better than that.
Posted by yesac on July 25, 2003, at 14:34:56
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » fallsfall, posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 9:19:41
First off, I think this is a very good thread that a lot of us can identify with. I'd really like some help in that realm too. I think it's always been hard for me to make "real" friends", as opposed to friends who don't really know the whole me, and we only see each other occasionally sort of thing. But now I am in a new place, and I desperately need some friends here, but I really haven't been able to make any. I've looked for groups to join, classes to take, and all the rest... but I don't know really what to do.
> I don't really like to do anything. I can't remember a time when I actually felt joy while doing anything. Some things are more interesting than others but nothing really 'grabs' me, you know? I wish I could find a hobby or an activity to look forward to.
> I wish I could find anything to look forward to. My immediate future is looking just plain hard and full of hurt. My long term future looks lonely and empty.
> I can't imagine every day just the same as this one. Year after year. Nothing to look forward to.You know, those have been my exact thoughts. Just the other day, I was writing in my journal that I don't like or want to do anything. Okay, that's not *exactly* true. There are some things that I could say I like to do, but what are they? I mean, read (which I haven't been capable of handling for months), go to movies (though I tend to get bored sometimes and plus, it's kinda tough when I have no one to go with), going out to eat. I mean, these aren't interests or hobbies. They are just time-fillers. I do sometimes happen to enjoy things that I do, but I don't look forward to much of anything. And I haven't for a long time. Most of the time I find myself thinking "what's the point?" of doing any particular activity.
Anyways - I know this isn't really uplifting at all, just more to let you know that I am in the same boat.
I would really like to know how to make friends, good friends, long-term friends. I think that I also have issues with intimacy and true "bonding" because I don't open up too well. I tend to be a bit aloof, afraid of asking people to do stuff with me...
I wonder if this has caused dysthymia, or resulted from it, or both??
I really hope that we can hope for more than mediocrity!!
Posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 22:32:24
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by Tabitha on July 25, 2003, at 13:11:03
Tabi, I haven't given up on treatment, just drugs. I'd like therapy but just can't afford it right now. I'm looking into some kind of hospital sponsored group therapy.
thanks for the good wishes
I hope life is better for you these days
xxoo tina
Posted by tina on July 25, 2003, at 22:37:03
In reply to Re: Advice need..... » tina, posted by yesac on July 25, 2003, at 14:34:56
> I mean, these aren't interests or hobbies. They are just time-fillers.
that's exactly what I feel. I don't necessary "like" anything, I just fill time with certain activities that maybe I've gotten used to doing. It's interesting that you put it that way yesac. Gives me something to ponder.
This is the end of the thread.
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