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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 21:00:52
angry, hurt, sad and ready for this life to end. Life sucks. I read it here, I hear it everywhere. Life sucks. So why do we keep living it?
I'm ready for something different, who's with me?
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:06:31
In reply to sigh, posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 21:00:52
Tonight, I think I'm with you. It's not that my life sucks, exactly. I have more than any one person could ever hope to have. But I'm tired of feeling like crying, I'm tired of feeling anxious and agitated and groggy. I'm tired of feeling bad physically and emotionally. I'm tired of letting people down. And I'm tired of not beaming sunshine in gratitude for all I have. Everything's great, yet everything is all wrong.
I feel so darned ungrateful, but tonight, maybe just tonight, yes, I want to move on.
Maybe once the klonopin kicks in and I no longer feel like ripping my skin off, I'll feel differently.
Posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 22:18:24
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:06:31
I was just desperate to be heard by someone, anyone and there you were, as usual. Thank you. I put all my pills in my mouth tonight but ended up spitting them out before i could do any damage to myself but I can't say the impulse isn't there. I want to change my name, move, and disappear.
I'm sorry you feel the same way hun. I hope it gets better for you. i know it won't for me, not for awhile anyway.
hugs
tina
Posted by gabbix2 on July 22, 2003, at 22:18:25
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:06:31
. But I'm tired of feeling like crying, I'm tired of feeling anxious and agitated and groggy. I'm tired of feeling bad physically and emotionally. I'm tired of letting people down. And I'm tired of not beaming sunshine in gratitude for all I have
Thanks for summing it up, I'm too tired too.
I'm with you. I really feel like I'm supposed to be finished now. Its like trying to choke any bit of enjoyment or rythym or pattern, out of this part of my life and it ends up a mess anyway.
It makes no sense anymore the poverty would be fine, the aloneness would be fine if it was a sacrifice for something.
I don't know how to live this half. I used to know how.
I'm putting a hell of a lot of faith in school.
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:36:32
In reply to Re: sigh/////thanks Dinah, posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 22:18:24
For what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't swallow. Even though I feel similar urges at the moment and so do understand. I asked my therapist once (not too long ago) if running away from home was as bad as killing myself. After all, both would hurt my family. And he said that running away wasn't nearly as bad.
So I try to substitute the idea of running away from home for killing myself. It's a wonderful fantasy isn't it? Except I'm afraid I'd bring myself with me.
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:42:21
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by gabbix2 on July 22, 2003, at 22:18:25
Well, certainly don't give up this soon to trying school. It's bound to help with the poverty, and maybe even the alone part. There are lots of non-teenage students nowdays. And then your working peers.
And definitely don't judge by July. You know how July is.
I understand the tired though. Boy, do I understand the tired. And I don't mean to sound Pollyannaish when that's far from how I feel.
You know what I would really really like. I would like to look into someone's eyes (preferably my husband's) and see respect and approval instead of a sigh and the eyeroll. Then maybe I'd feel I was contributing instead of draining.
Posted by whiterabbit on July 22, 2003, at 22:52:02
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by gabbix2 on July 22, 2003, at 22:18:25
I'm visually projecting myself to some distant place, and why not. In a matter of months I'll be a divorcee, a former homeowner and mother of a grown-up son. With no job that appeals and no other close family around, why stay around here?
One by one, the ties that bind have all been cut.I'm thinking, little house somewhere near the Gulf shore of Florida...not too far from the beach, where I can sit in that fine white sand and feel the ocean wash over my feet while the sun sets. It's not a romantic vision, I feel too much like an old warhorse right now to entertain such thoughts. It's more of a spiritual-healing type vision, where the emotional pain begins to ease. I'll write and I'll paint and I'll be content...
Maybe I'll write a bestseller and make a lot of money so (hey, as long as you're dreaming...) I can buy an old hotel on the beach and fix it up nice, private rooms with thick carpets, wonderful beds, small kitchens and big bathtubs with rain-showers, every room with a view of the ocean.
It won't be a hotel though, or a spa or resort or rehab center, either...it will be a very exclusive place for people like us who need lots of emotional and spiritual healing. I would just say to you guys, come on down, stay as long as you like. Walk on the beach, sit in the sun, be social around the pool or private in your room, sleep as late as you like and come out when you want. Whatever you feel like...just PLEASE BE CIVIL. LOL.
-Gracie with Jello Shots
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:22:41
In reply to sigh, posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 21:00:52
For a couple of weeks I've had this wish that I could have a vacation from myself. No one should have to put up with me 24/7 - including me!
A nice break from all of the obsessions, the grumpiness, the panic, the despair, the anger, the guilt.
The closest I've gotten is when I'm in excruciating physical pain that blocks out all thought.
Anyone know a good travel agent?
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:36:56
In reply to Astral projection , posted by whiterabbit on July 22, 2003, at 22:52:02
I actually had a dream about this about 2 weeks ago (before I saw the thread about what if we all met).
The psychobabblers just took over some rich guy's massive estate. Everyone came and went as they pleased and there were different things going on in all of the rooms (and it was catered!!) I still remember lots of this dream, but it's hard to translate into language.
Probably not terribly interesting, but I really like the part about taking over the rich guy's place :)
> It won't be a hotel though, or a spa or resort or rehab center, either...it will be a very exclusive place for people like us who need lots of emotional and spiritual healing. I would just say to you guys, come on down, stay as long as you like. Walk on the beach, sit in the sun, be social around the pool or private in your room, sleep as late as you like and come out when you want. Whatever you feel like...just PLEASE BE CIVIL. LOL.
> -Gracie with Jello Shots
Posted by fallsfall on July 23, 2003, at 3:36:41
In reply to Re: sigh/////thanks Dinah » tina, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:36:32
Wherever you go, there you are.
Posted by lostsailor on July 23, 2003, at 5:48:10
In reply to sigh, posted by tina on July 22, 2003, at 21:00:52
Thanks to all of you, I need to say a little less here because I can’t find the words that I am looking for at the moment.
.
Life is what you make of it. Look on the bright side. Cheer up. Just get over it.
SHUT UP!!
We’re not like all of you.
We feel. We need not toys but to be needed.
We want a bit more….
Once in a while a laugh that does run like melting ice cream.
Some one to hold on to our hand and not let go.
When nightmares occur while awake, and sleep brings a better life, what does that mean???
Things aren’t right.
Love should be sweet, not bitter and painful.
Nature should still hold her beauty even when it rains—especially when it rains.
I long to sing in harmony with the chipper birds in the morning
And walk barefoot on dew covered grass not with a sleeping pill stumble.
I want, I want, I want…
For all of us to be happy.
Love you guys,
~tony
Posted by giget on July 23, 2003, at 8:26:52
In reply to Re: Astral projection , posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:36:56
Astral Projection is very real and powerful. When the mind is projected to another place, you may be disturbing the correct order of that place and the environment.
I would stress not to play with this, unless you know exactly what you are doing!
Posted by whiterabbit on July 23, 2003, at 8:56:45
In reply to Be very Careful with Astral projection , posted by giget on July 23, 2003, at 8:26:52
Actually, I've heard of astral projection but I really don't know anything about it. I do remember reading about some kind of "sensory deprivation" tank - you can't see or hear or feel anything - where astral projection can occur almost spontaneously. The article said that a reporter who was very skeptical of the whole concept crawled out of this tank and didn't stop crying for the next 24 hours because she had "seen God" - kind of spooky, I don't think I would mess with it.
-Gracie
Posted by tina on July 23, 2003, at 9:21:35
In reply to Astral projection , posted by whiterabbit on July 22, 2003, at 22:52:02
sounds wonderful WR, I'll be your first guest. :-)
Posted by tina on July 23, 2003, at 9:24:48
In reply to Re: sigh--all, posted by lostsailor on July 23, 2003, at 5:48:10
>
> Thanks to all of you, I need to say a little less here because I can’t find the words that I am looking for at the moment.
> .
> Life is what you make of it. Look on the bright side. Cheer up. Just get over it.
> SHUT UP!!
> We’re not like all of you.
> We feel. We need not toys but to be needed.
> We want a bit more….
> Once in a while a laugh that does run like melting ice cream.
> Some one to hold on to our hand and not let go.
> When nightmares occur while awake, and sleep brings a better life, what does that mean???
> Things aren’t right.
> Love should be sweet, not bitter and painful.
> Nature should still hold her beauty even when it rains—especially when it rains.
> I long to sing in harmony with the chipper birds in the morning
> And walk barefoot on dew covered grass not with a sleeping pill stumble.
> I want, I want, I want…
> For all of us to be happy.
> Love you guys,
> ~tony"can't find the right words" I think these words are perfect tony. It's a beautiful dream.
I wish I had the will to dream like this.
T
Posted by yesac on July 23, 2003, at 11:10:56
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 22:06:31
Yes! Lately I just keep thinking "god, I am so depressed!" I have imagined going in to my therapists office and saying "I am just so depressed" which isn't something that I usually really come out and say. And "I am so tired of this life, so tired of struggling every single day..." How to go on? I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm not sure if I can do it anymore.
And like Dinah said, I too feel so guilty about being ungrateful for what I have. I feel like I just let myself wallow in self-pity, and I don't deserve to feel like my life sucks when there are people who have "real" problems. I mean, I'm smart, I have a job that I basically like (not that I get such great pay, but it's better than nothing), I have a degree from a good school and got good grades, I'm driven (but at the same time I have motivation issues), I have a family that loves me.... But I'm just not very grateful about any of it. Instead, I am always thinking about how it's not fair about what I don't have. Always thinking about my misery, and jealous of those for whom life seems to be just wonderful.
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:33:38
In reply to Re: tired of it, posted by yesac on July 23, 2003, at 11:10:56
> Yes! Lately I just keep thinking "god, I am so depressed!" I have imagined going in to my therapists office and saying "I am just so depressed" which isn't something that I usually really come out and say. And "I am so tired of this life, so tired of struggling every single day..." How to go on? I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm not sure if I can do it anymore.
>
> And like Dinah said, I too feel so guilty about being ungrateful for what I have. I feel like I just let myself wallow in self-pity, and I don't deserve to feel like my life sucks when there are people who have "real" problems. I mean, I'm smart, I have a job that I basically like (not that I get such great pay, but it's better than nothing), I have a degree from a good school and got good grades, I'm driven (but at the same time I have motivation issues), I have a family that loves me.... But I'm just not very grateful about any of it. Instead, I am always thinking about how it's not fair about what I don't have. Always thinking about my misery, and jealous of those for whom life seems to be just wonderful.
Let me give you a thought that I can't seem to make myself believe (and I think we've discussed this): pain is relative. Your suffering is relative. Sure, there are people in worse circumstances than you, okay, fine. There's always someone worse off than someone else, in different ways. You have people dying from cancer, people starving in Iraq, baby girls being killed in many countries, and so on. It sucks. And you can only do what you can do to help them (ummm...you did service work after college, did you not???). But just because there are many people who have seemingly 'worse' circumstances than you DOESN'T MINIMIZE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. There are people who have seemingly better circumstances than you - more money, better jobs, more of a social life, etc. - who might still be miserable. They might still suffer from a disease called DEPRESSION. Does the fact that they have so much to be thankful for minimize the pain that disease causes them? You know as well as I do that depression doesn't discriminate. Your depression doesn't stem from your circumstances as much as it does your chemistry, something you can't do much about on your own. It's not like you're sitting around going "Gee, I hate my life, and I COULD choose to be happy with what I have, but I CHOOSE to be unhappy, because that's what I want - I want to be unhappy." No - you are saying "I'm in pain, I'm hurting, I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of medication trials, etc. etc. etc." and you don't WANT to be this way. If you had a choice, you would be able to find the joy in simple things - but the disease is clouding your brain, playing games with your emotions, skewing your logic. Your not being 'grateful' for what you have isn't really because you're not grateful - you probably are - it's because you can't ENJOY it. There is a difference, and the second one is something that hopefully will come in good time.It's hard to care about things when you are in the Pit. I'm right there with you. I understand. Try to not beat yourself up with feeling guilty about not feeling good. If you had a choice, you would feel good, right? In this case, it's not your choice! Don't feel bad for something you have no control over.
P
Posted by giget on July 23, 2003, at 11:37:27
In reply to Re: tired of it, posted by yesac on July 23, 2003, at 11:10:56
I understand that is part of the reason I moved my sessions from once a week to once every other week. I figure if I am always in therapy every week I will pick apart every little thing that happens. But if I go everyother week, I only have an hour to focus on what was big that happened....
I see that I am blessed but in different ways.... Some people can handle more pain, or sorrow... everyone is fragile in one point...
Posted by giget on July 23, 2003, at 11:41:07
In reply to Re: tired of it » yesac, posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:33:38
Posted by noa on July 23, 2003, at 20:55:41
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:22:41
OK, I think it would help to have a big, simultaneous group SIGH!! Really, all together, 1, 2, 3, and SIGH! Think we can coordinate it? I'm serious.
Posted by tina on July 23, 2003, at 21:29:09
In reply to Re: sigh, posted by noa on July 23, 2003, at 20:55:41
I never stop Noa. I always have a sigh in my soul. It's constant.
Posted by noa on July 24, 2003, at 6:01:33
In reply to Re: sigh » noa, posted by tina on July 23, 2003, at 21:29:09
Sigh.
OK. Since you are constantly sighing, then each time you do, visualize the probability that you are sighing in sync with one of us!
When I sigh, I will know that I am sighing in sync with you, too.
Posted by yesac on July 24, 2003, at 11:51:27
In reply to Re: sigh » noa, posted by tina on July 23, 2003, at 21:29:09
> I always have a sigh in my soul. It's constant.
I like how you put that. I feel quite the same, although sometimes perhaps it's a bigger sigh than others.
This is the end of the thread.
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