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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 7:36:43
Last night, driving home from my parents I just got so emotional I did not want to go on. I was looking for a spot I could drive down a hill or something, but was worried I might hit a guard rail and hit another car. Just because I do not want to be here, does not mean that I have to take an innocent with me.
I just freaked out. My emotions can change within 10 mins. I was fine one min then the next I freaked out.
I got home last night and did not feel any better, just wanting to go to sleep forever and this morning is not any better.... tears are welling up and I am just so overwhelmed.... Why can I not be at least on a constant level of emtions... not all over...
Posted by Penny on July 17, 2003, at 8:37:05
In reply to I went psycho again..., posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 7:36:43
> Last night, driving home from my parents I just got so emotional I did not want to go on. I was looking for a spot I could drive down a hill or something, but was worried I might hit a guard rail and hit another car. Just because I do not want to be here, does not mean that I have to take an innocent with me.
>
> I just freaked out. My emotions can change within 10 mins. I was fine one min then the next I freaked out.
>
> I got home last night and did not feel any better, just wanting to go to sleep forever and this morning is not any better.... tears are welling up and I am just so overwhelmed.... Why can I not be at least on a constant level of emtions... not all over...
>
>
Why indeed...I often wonder the same thing. All over the board, all the time. Was feeling better the past couple of days, then woke up this morning and now I'm feeling like crying. Feeling overwhelmed by work and afraid again b/c I have my obligatory meeting with my boss tomorrow and don't know what to tell him as I feel I haven't accomplished anything once again, even after talking to him on Monday. Have to take my meds about 8 p.m. b/c they leave me groggy, but that means I have no time in the evening when I can even focus, b/c I get so sleepy so early. I couldn't even finish the last 50 pages of my book last night, even though I really wanted to. :-(I too look for places to drive off the road, somewhere no one might find me for a while. Unfortunately, I stumbled upon the perfect highway, which is not a good sign. After feeling fairly normal the past couple of days, I'm back to wondering if a trip to the hospital might be in order.
I also am determined to not physically injure others if I do decide to do something drastic (which, just so no one freaks out or anything, I'm not thinking of at the moment and I see my therapist tonight).
And my emotions definitely change in a matter of minutes. It really sucks, and I don't know what to tell you that might help except that I understand, we understand, and we care about you.
Take care.
Penny
Posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 8:44:33
In reply to I went psycho again..., posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 7:36:43
I too am feeling a little more sad today than I have been. Not too bad, but not too good. I guess maybe it started last night because of my roomate taking over the living room, reading, not even watching tv, and I feel like why doesn't she just read in her room? Doesn't she think that I might want to watch tv? (of course, I couldn't POSSIBLY say something!). It turned out okay because I went in my room and finally painted my nails, which didn't come out too well but that's not what matters. And my friend called.
Does your emotion surge have anything to do with your parents?
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 8:59:22
In reply to Re: I went psycho again... » giget, posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 8:44:33
I don't think it has to do with the parents. I have gotten over them moving, and even went through the process for a loan for the house for me, but it is 5 bedroom, 3 bath house for me and my cats...
My emotions just take over my mind sometimes. I could see this coming a night ago. I could not sleep and my mind keep on running about my ex and about the struggles I am personally going through. I am being pulled in complete oppist directions... literally.
Last night I ended up getting off the express way and making a call from a payphone so he would not know it was me... straight to voice mail.
I just want everything to go back to normal, well at least what I saw as normal. I am so depressed and just want a little vacation from feeling bad. I want to laugh again and smile, which we did. Even through the relationship was terrible, I always had him to depend on, and to love me completely. That feeling of the hug that calms you down and makes you feel safe, nothing can hurt you. Deep breath.. tears at work are not me...
I am so alone, and lonely. I know that I just have to take my mind off of it, but I can not. I have to many internal struggles going on, and just want the comfortable place back....
I know that he is not right for me at all, but I just miss the love so much, the looking towards the future, seeing a bright future...
Sorry for dumping on you....
I just can not keep it inside me anymore...
Like I said my emotions cycle so rapidly, who knows tonight I may feel on top of the world. But right now I am not worthy of anyones time....expecally his.
This is so humiluating... he goes through work just fine, and I am sitting here a reck, with tears trying to just get my work done without leaving the security of my desk
Posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 9:12:50
In reply to Re: I went psycho again..., posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 8:59:22
This is an ex-bf right? Not an ex-husband?
How long were you together? When did you break up?
Maybe you've posted all this before, but I just don't seem to know.
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 9:26:56
In reply to Re: I went psycho again... » giget, posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 9:12:50
I asked you the basics the other day too... I could not remember.
5 years together, 2 years on and off... so 7 years. He really told me that he would never be happy with me, and could not live his life with me about 2 weeks ago. Before that there was always hope and proven hope.
It is a long time to know someone, to love someone, to handle the differences and to lose them or even the dream of the future is killing me.
When I met him back in the day, I was just trying to fit in and loved his personalitly. I looked past a few things and fell in love with who he was not what he was. I just wanted the whole society dream... I knew I could not do that and be truthful to myself, but that is all I wanted. And when I get down all I want it that person back, the best friend... He was very understanding with me, but at the end of the 5 years I finally woke up to who he really was, outside and inside at that time.
I am into commitment and no matter what would not do anything... You can not pick who you fall in love with....
I just miss the closness.... the safness... someone to convince me everything is going to be ok, and if not they will be there to fall back on...
This is another reason I need to find a new job... working here for the past 5 years with him, and going up and down impacts my job....
and anyone can see into your cube and people are very proud of pictures, and now we both took them down and it hurts...
Bla..Bla..bla... Sorry... Mental illness just makes you so vonerable...
> This is an ex-bf right? Not an ex-husband?
>
> How long were you together? When did you break up?
>
> Maybe you've posted all this before, but I just don't seem to know.
Posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 10:05:10
In reply to Re: I went psycho again..., posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 9:26:56
I had thought it was longer than that since you broke up. I've never been with anyone for 5 years or even close to it, but I can definitely understand the feelings of attachment and commitment. I have had a hard time getting over relationships that I wasn't even in love with the person, but it was just the safety and security that was so hard to lose. Can you still talk to him, or would that just make it worse?
I wish I could be more help.
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 10:15:42
In reply to oh wow, two weeks is not long! » giget, posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 10:05:10
I can not even look at him without anger or tears... and I see him everyday.
Yep, alot of time to get to know someone.
Well like I said the past 2 years on and off, so we would talk and be all nice and depend on each other but never offically together....
Since he said that he would never love the person I had become... and that he fell in love with the person 7 years ago, and would love to spend the rest of his life with her. He said he would treat her as the ultimate, but not the person I am today.....
Well I had a few choice words for him one night, because the day before he said the words, or really emailed them to me at work.... he slept at my house, and wanted to sleep together... I said no and the next day we started talking and he said I was just a friend... nothing else. Well I do not sleep with my friends and I told him you made me feel cheep, like a $.05 whore....
I know I should not have said that, but every since then he will not take any call from me...and this all happened on the Tuesday that I came back from my mental leave from work... where I was very fragile...
Goddess I am just screwed up from this....
Posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 13:22:28
In reply to Re: oh wow, two weeks is not long!, posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 10:15:42
Sorry about all that. It sounds pretty tough.
Would you want to spend your life with him if you could?
Posted by kara lynne on July 17, 2003, at 13:28:43
In reply to Re: oh wow, two weeks is not long!, posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 10:15:42
Hi giget,
sorry to hear you're not doing well. What are the possiblities of getting another job? sounds like a great idea to me.I don't think you or I should be putting our energy into men who can't love us. In all likelihood he will be calling you again at some point. I hate to say this, but of course it's more likely that he will if you don't. But hopefully by then you will have found more strength in your resolve to stay away from him. Or better yet a new boyfriend!
What a horrible thing to say he loved who you were, but not who you are. That's like my ex saying if only I would (fill in blank) then he would (fill in blank). It just leaves you crazy and desperate in a situation that is impossible to win in.
*You* love who you are now--and do whatever it means to take care of yourself. And I'll try to do the same...
Love Kara
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 13:32:12
In reply to Re: oh wow, two weeks is not long! » giget, posted by yesac on July 17, 2003, at 13:22:28
NO way... but right now I am weak and could use some shoulders to stand on.
I would never stay my life with him now....
I am just so lonely, and alone and the last person to keep me from feeling that way was him... so I automatically go back to him...
But now that is broken by his words... and I feel vonerable..
> Sorry about all that. It sounds pretty tough.
>
> Would you want to spend your life with him if you could?
Posted by giget on July 17, 2003, at 13:39:47
In reply to Re: oh wow, two weeks is not long!, posted by kara lynne on July 17, 2003, at 13:28:43
Thanks kara...
I have been looking for a new job, but want to move far away. That is why I have been asking everyone about jobs in CA. My way of living and personality will have much more respect there than the conservative town I live in. I have always, since knee high, told my family I was going to move. So it is not only putting my situation in a better position but also something that I have always wanted.
I think this may have been the push I needed to get out of here...
That was my last chance for a normal society accepted life. Even my therapist says, that I am in love with the dream not him anymore. I just have to find another path, to end up love and happy for myself.
So it sucks right now....
He will not call. With him there is no going back, no second chances. I think we only talked because he knew I would call and be all greatful for anything he did.
I know our ex's are jerks... Why is it so hard to let go? I just sorta feel off the wagon last night and freaked out. I hope I am not like this for long and don't breakdown again.
This is the end of the thread.
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