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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
for feeling this way and for posting about my troubles here when so many others have so many troubles of their own. I too am worried about Racer and about yesac and others, and yet, I feel I can't be much help right now. :-(
Left work early yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and didn't tell my boss though I told one of my coworkers. We were supposed to have a meeting at 10, but I didn't go down to his office, as I wasn't on his schedule, and he didn't call so I figured he had forgotten. Last night I check my work email and see one from him written at about 12:30, just after I left, telling me that he missed me at our standing appointment and telling me that he had had some complaints about my work, or my not getting my work done, should I say. Said he wants to talk to me asap and that he'll be in all of next week. Of course I didn't respond yesterday because I didn't get the email until last night, but now I'm terrified that I've screwed up for the last time.
I feel absolutely sick, couldn't sleep last night, dreading monday, knowing that I can't call in sick, and really feeling just miserable. really miserable.
I hate my job. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it, and it's not that I don't want to, it's that I just can't seem to make myself. I have absolutely no motivation, and the more fearful I become, the less I seem to get accomplished.
Not to mention that I can't stay awake all day.
When I talked to my pdoc yesterday evening I was feeling a bit better, but then got that email last night and starting sinking quick.
My brother is visiting me for the weekend and he noticed a change in my demeanor, but I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't understand. I'm glad he's here, but also frustrated because I don't feel like being social. I suppose it's good that I'm not alone.
But, seriously folks, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to/through Monday. Keep thinking about all the pills I have and how easy it would be to take them. Told my pdoc that I was having suicidal thoughts, but didn't have a 'plan' it was just more thoughts of 'wish I wasn't here...', but that changed last night. I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like my whole life is completely out of control and I can't do any of the things I want to be doing. I can't even take care of my dogs the way I want to because of my money situation that's only getting worse, and I'm terrified about talking to my boss, and I really don't know what to do.
Have thought seriously about checking myself into the hospital tomorrow night or Monday morning, after my brother leaves.
P
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2003, at 9:55:45
In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
Your therapist gets back Monday?
If you feel that bad, you need to call your pdoc. I understand (believe me) how overwhelming money problems can be. But they aren't reason to end your life and all the possibilities that are in your future.
And if you think you need to go to the hospital, please go.
And don't feel guilty about posting, although I do understand. I also feel guilty about posting about my problems right now. But honestly, you are Penny, and we care about what is happening with you independent of caring about others. And I care too much about you to see you do anything irrevocable. Please call.
Posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 10:07:41
In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
> for feeling this way and for posting about my troubles here when so many others have so many troubles of their own. I too am worried about Racer and about yesac and others, and yet, I feel I can't be much help right now. :-(
>
Penny - your needs are just as valid as theirs. You don't need to add guilt about Babble onto what is already on your plate.> Left work early yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and didn't tell my boss though I told one of my coworkers. We were supposed to have a meeting at 10, but I didn't go down to his office, as I wasn't on his schedule, and he didn't call so I figured he had forgotten. Last night I check my work email and see one from him written at about 12:30, just after I left, telling me that he missed me at our standing appointment and telling me that he had had some complaints about my work, or my not getting my work done, should I say. Said he wants to talk to me asap and that he'll be in all of next week. Of course I didn't respond yesterday because I didn't get the email until last night, but now I'm terrified that I've screwed up for the last time.
>
I could be wrong, because everybody is different, but I was a manager for many years, and if I was going to fire someone I didn't tell them to come in "some time next week". There was paperwork that was needed, a final check (with the right number of hours) had to be cut. It was the kind of thing that needed to be scheduled. If you are in a tiny company, it could be different. Firing someone is a big deal. It is not done casually. So. I don't think you'll be fired. Just my opinion.Does your boss know about your medical condition? Is he sympathetic? Sometimes allowances can be made for illnesses (you keep going to work, but they expect different things from you - someone who has done it should explain it (or I can contact a woman from my support group and let you know what she says)).
Is there something that your boss could do that would make it easier for you to work? Maybe you could email him when you complete a project (so you know that he knows if you don't email him you haven't finished it). Or send a daily status report. These might help the motivation, because it wouldn't have to be *your* motivation that gets things done, it would be him motivating you. However, if this would feel like pressure and you would panic then it is not a good idea. Or can you enlist the help of a friend to keep you motivated?
> I feel absolutely sick, couldn't sleep last night, dreading monday, knowing that I can't call in sick, and really feeling just miserable. really miserable.
>
Misery is really miserable> I hate my job. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it, and it's not that I don't want to, it's that I just can't seem to make myself. I have absolutely no motivation, and the more fearful I become, the less I seem to get accomplished.
>
> Not to mention that I can't stay awake all day.
>
Lack of motivation and sleepiness are symptoms of depression. I have had no motivation for a very long time. One day, a couple of months ago, I had a good day (only one, don't know why) and I had some motivation. "Wow, now I remember what it is like to want to do something. Life is a lot easier that way!" Meds can help (Strattera and Provigil were the drugs that have started to make a difference for me).> When I talked to my pdoc yesterday evening I was feeling a bit better, but then got that email last night and starting sinking quick.
>
Did you talk to your pdoc about motivation and sleepineess?> My brother is visiting me for the weekend and he noticed a change in my demeanor, but I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't understand. I'm glad he's here, but also frustrated because I don't feel like being social. I suppose it's good that I'm not alone.
>
Yes, it is good that you aren't alone. Hopefully he can be understanding enough to amuse himself when you need to take a break.> But, seriously folks, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to/through Monday. Keep thinking about all the pills I have and how easy it would be to take them. Told my pdoc that I was having suicidal thoughts, but didn't have a 'plan' it was just more thoughts of 'wish I wasn't here...', but that changed last night. I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like my whole life is completely out of control and I can't do any of the things I want to be doing. I can't even take care of my dogs the way I want to because of my money situation that's only getting worse, and I'm terrified about talking to my boss, and I really don't know what to do.
>
Penny, Can you give your pills to your brother and ask him to hold them for you? You need to keep yourself safe.Do you have a friend who DOES understand who can support you right now?
Can you call your therapist or pdoc?
I'm really glad that you see the hospital as an option. It has been helpful to me.
I am worried by what I read. Please make sure you get some real live help.
> Have thought seriously about checking myself into the hospital tomorrow night or Monday morning, after my brother leaves.
>
> PPlease let us know how you are doing.
Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:30:04
In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
Been out with my brother all day today and have managed to stay awake, though I am battling nausea like crazy. Still feeling really down and hoping the concert we're going to tonight will pick me up some, but, to be honest, my brother is driving me crazy. He's so angry and depressed and cynical. He just turned 21 and he's just really really ANGRY. Not an upper in any way. I'm ready for him to go home. I hate feeling that way, but it's true.
I can't talk to him about the depression because he doesn't understand why anyone would want to kill themselves. He talks about how he would much rather kill other people. It's very disturbing to me.
There's really no one here who understands, and I don't know if my therapist is back in town yet or not, but I am supposed to see her on Monday. Regardless, I just don't know if I can manage to talk to my boss on Monday. I haven't told him about my depression/medication issues because my boss at my last job knew and it just created more problems. I'm not really worried about him firing me right now, but I just don't know if I can face whatever. I just really feel like giving up. And I've thought about calling my pdoc tomorrow, since I know tonight will be fine with me being out and about, and asking him if I should go to the hospital. I'm so tired of waiting for the medication to work. It's been such a long road. I'm not quite ready to give up yet, but getting away from the temptation of the meds might be a good idea. I don't want to give them to anyone to hold for me because I don't really want my roommate involved in this. She doesn't get it either.
Trying very hard to keep it together right now. Thanks so much (really really) for listening to me and caring. I can't tell you how much it means. I'm hangin' in, so don't worry. I'll let you know if I decide to check myself in to the hospital or if I decide to try to ride this out.
Love, Penny
Posted by yesac on July 12, 2003, at 15:41:20
In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
> for feeling this way and for posting about my troubles here when so many others have so many troubles of their own. I too am worried about Racer and about yesac and others, and yet, I feel I can't be much help right now. :-(
Like I said above, I feel guilty about that too, like I'm not supporting anyone else, only going on about myself and expecting people to support ME.
But, I want you to know that you have helped me. A lot. Everyone here has.
I'm sorry about the work situation. I don't really know what to say since I sort of have no real concept of what you do. But hopefully you can work things out with your boss, maybe even say something like "I'm having a hard time right now" and he'll be more understanding?
> My brother is visiting me for the weekend and he noticed a change in my demeanor, but I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't understand. I'm glad he's here, but also frustrated because I don't feel like being social. I suppose it's good that I'm not alone.
I know just what you mean. I keep trying to get my sister to visit but she hasn't. And I find myself wondering, what if she did? Would I be able to entertain her enough or would she just think "god, meghan's life really IS boring and awful?" But last weekend at home, she did comment that I seemed "out of it" which I guess was an accurate description due to my barely talking, being completely without humor, and mainly being trapped in my own little world of suicidal thoughts and feeling bad about myself and my life. And she doesn't understand either. I just can't really communicate about this pain with my family, which I think leads a lot to this feeling of disconnectedness.
But I hope that you can enjoy being with your brother. I wish I had been able to enjoy my time with my family more. In my opinion, I think that you should just make yourself go out with him and do some activities, because as hard as they might be, at least you won't be there with your pills.
>
> Keep thinking about all the pills I have and how easy it would be to take them.I know just what you mean. I've been there time and time again. Amazed, really, at how easy it would be. I even have gotten kind of excited at times when I get some new prescription because it's like "oh good, something else to use if I decide to". Can't say much else because it would be unethical on the board.
But Penny, please call me if you need to. Or your doctor, or someone. I really want you to call!! Don't let the thoughts turn into actions.
Posted by yesac on July 12, 2003, at 15:48:34
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:30:04
Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:55:10
In reply to I'm here! I understand!! (nm) » Penny, posted by yesac on July 12, 2003, at 15:48:34
I know you do, and though I wish in a way that you didn't, because when you do it's because you've been there/are there, I'm glad you're here.
My brother went out 'riding around' although that's all we did all day today. I'm going to go take a little nap and see if I can get rid of my headache that I've been carrying with me all day. Hopefully he won't get lost. Guess we'll be leaving about 6:15 for the concert (at Alltel Pavilion) and I don't think my cell phone works out there as it's kinda in the middle of nowhere, but I have it on all the time, so you can always leave me a message if you need to and I'll call you back asap.
thanks for being here.
P
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2003, at 17:26:43
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:30:04
I know what you mean about being afraid to give your pills to someone else to hold. The times I've done that with my husband I've ended up verrrry sorry I did it. I need to have him in sometime to talk to me and my therapist about what it does and doesn't mean for me to ask him that.
But in the end, I do it if I think I need to to keep safe. Darn therapists and their vacations. I think their being gone magnifies everything. Maybe that's just me....
Posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 19:00:47
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:30:04
Penny.
You have my admiration. I can't imagine spending the whole day on the go!
I hope that the concert was good and gave you some respite from the day.
When is your therapy appointment? Could you go there before going to work, so you could work out a strategy with your therapist? It certainly wouldn't hurt to leave a message for her this weekend, so if she does collect her messages before Monday then she could give you a call.
Let us know how you are tomorrow - we care!
Posted by Penny on July 13, 2003, at 10:35:33
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 19:00:47
The concert was okay. We left early to beat the crowds. Wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be and the heat really got to me - well, not so much the heat as the humidity. We had lawn seats and I had to sit down and try to cool off a bit as I was feeling quite dizzy.
Anyway, I'll post more in a few - my parents just arrived.
P
Posted by Penny on July 13, 2003, at 11:00:52
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 19:00:47
Alright - the parents only stayed a few minutes, just long enough to gather my brother and head to the mountains of WV camping. More power to them.
Funny, I told my mom last night that I was thinking about going to the hospital but she didn't really seem concerned about me. Not that that's unusual.
Anyway, now I am alone again and I'm still debating the whole hospital thing. Haven't paged my pdoc yet, but I really need to I guess. Though right this minute I don't feel as bad, I also can't say the pills aren't beckoning.
Therapy is not until tomorrow evening after work. I don't know if I can wait to see her. I don't know if I can face my boss without some kind of plan, or if I will be able to survive whatever the meeting with my boss reveals. Even if the meeting goes "well" and I am able to put on a brave face and show how much I want to work there and how much harder I'm willing to work, I know it won't happen. I won't be able to work harder. I WANT to, but I can't seem to make myself. I've tried talking to myself - this is not something I HAVE to do, it's something I am CHOOSING to do, but, as usual, I am unable to convince myself. I guess the only things we have no choice about is, ultimately, death, though we do have a choice, if we are so disposed, to deciding sometimes when that will occur.
At the moment I'm okay. At the moment I don't want to take the pills. But it doesn't seem to last. At the same time, I have a really hard time judging how serious I am. I don't want to die, I just don't want to deal with any of this s**t anymore. My roommate is home today (not right this minute) and I could manage to go take a nap, maybe, or perhaps do something else. But as the day wears on, I usually feel worse. And as tomorrow nears, I am certain I will start to feel worse.
I'll keep you posted.
Posted by fallsfall on July 13, 2003, at 13:06:05
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 13, 2003, at 11:00:52
Yeah, my mother doesn't get it either.
It sounds to me like you aren't feeling too great. When was the last time your meds were changed? If you called your pdoc, would he be likely to make a change to your meds? Would you feel better if you talked to him? You have been feeling this way for a couple of days. If you think it would help, I would think you could call him.
I think you have 4 options for tomorrow (but some of these may not be practical).
1. Go to the hospital
2. Call in sick, then see your therapist
3. Go to work, but tell your boss that you came to work because you are Soooo dedicated, but that you really aren't feeling well and could the discussion be postponed to another day?
4. Go to work and have the meeting with himRemember that you have to take care of yourself. I think you know that, but sometimes it helps me if someone gives me permission to do that.
Go buy some crayons, if you don't have any (or even if you do - new crayons are so awesome, and they smell so good), and draw some pictures. My drawing skills are at about a 2nd grade level, but when I'm having a hard time I can say things in a picture that I can't say in words. Or just draw something fun.
Thinking of you
Posted by whiterabbit on July 13, 2003, at 15:02:02
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 13, 2003, at 11:00:52
It sounds like hospital time to me. Please consider it...sometimes you just can't keep up the struggle on your own, you're feeling unwell and overwhelmed and pretty close to the end of your rope...just turn it all over to the people at the hospital and let them handle it for awhile, okay?
I don't know (or remember) if you've been in the hospital before, obviously some people here didn't appreciate the experience but I think it depends quite a bit on your circumstances.
First, it's much better to have your psychiatrist admit you voluntarily than to be admitted involuntarily from the emergency room or wherever...don't let it get that bad.
Second, the quality of of the psychiatric program at the hospital is EVERYthing...a half-assed program won't get you far. A really good program could help you immeasurably - hopefully your psychiatrist is familiar with the in-patient program at the hospital and has seen good results.
Third, your attitude counts for a lot too, if you're admitted involuntarily and consider the hospital's rules and regulations to be nothing but restrictions and a loss of your personal freedom, then your resentment towards the program will prevent you from getting much good out of it.
But if you consider that you're just temporarily handing over the usual everyday responsibilities and decisions that you feel unable to cope with right now ANYWAY, then the restrictions won't bother you too much. All you have to do is concentrate on feeling better and letting these people help you.Don't worry about what anyone thinks - not your parents, not your boss, not anybody. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is that you start to feel better, that's ALL that matters right now.
I'm wishing the best for you dear, you absolutely need some healing time right now and I hope you allow yourself to have it.
-Gracie
Posted by Hoping on July 13, 2003, at 18:47:23
In reply to Penny..., posted by whiterabbit on July 13, 2003, at 15:02:02
Penny, your fear of talking to your boss if far worse than any actual conversation you two will have. Think about it, what's the WORST thing that could happen? Getting fired.........okay, that would definately suck. But you've had other jobs before (i don't know what you do), and you could get something to make income until something better is available. If you feel you need to be hospitalized after your talk with your boss, so be it. I hope the hospital you have access to has a great mental health program.
But running from your problems only makes them loom larger. Go in to work tomorrow, on time, talk to your boss early (to get the anxiety just done with), be your wonderful strong self and decide from there what to do. You are meeting with your dr tomorrow evening and she can help you decide what to do.
I know you don't know me, and i only know you a little bit from these postings, but i have learned that facing your fears is ALWAYS better than running from them. Our minds tend to spiral and imagine the worst, and in reality the worst isn't usually what comes to fruition.
Please think about it, and let us know.
K
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