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Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall

Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:30:04

In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57

Been out with my brother all day today and have managed to stay awake, though I am battling nausea like crazy. Still feeling really down and hoping the concert we're going to tonight will pick me up some, but, to be honest, my brother is driving me crazy. He's so angry and depressed and cynical. He just turned 21 and he's just really really ANGRY. Not an upper in any way. I'm ready for him to go home. I hate feeling that way, but it's true.

I can't talk to him about the depression because he doesn't understand why anyone would want to kill themselves. He talks about how he would much rather kill other people. It's very disturbing to me.

There's really no one here who understands, and I don't know if my therapist is back in town yet or not, but I am supposed to see her on Monday. Regardless, I just don't know if I can manage to talk to my boss on Monday. I haven't told him about my depression/medication issues because my boss at my last job knew and it just created more problems. I'm not really worried about him firing me right now, but I just don't know if I can face whatever. I just really feel like giving up. And I've thought about calling my pdoc tomorrow, since I know tonight will be fine with me being out and about, and asking him if I should go to the hospital. I'm so tired of waiting for the medication to work. It's been such a long road. I'm not quite ready to give up yet, but getting away from the temptation of the meds might be a good idea. I don't want to give them to anyone to hold for me because I don't really want my roommate involved in this. She doesn't get it either.

Trying very hard to keep it together right now. Thanks so much (really really) for listening to me and caring. I can't tell you how much it means. I'm hangin' in, so don't worry. I'll let you know if I decide to check myself in to the hospital or if I decide to try to ride this out.

Love, Penny


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