Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
for feeling this way and for posting about my troubles here when so many others have so many troubles of their own. I too am worried about Racer and about yesac and others, and yet, I feel I can't be much help right now. :-(
Left work early yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and didn't tell my boss though I told one of my coworkers. We were supposed to have a meeting at 10, but I didn't go down to his office, as I wasn't on his schedule, and he didn't call so I figured he had forgotten. Last night I check my work email and see one from him written at about 12:30, just after I left, telling me that he missed me at our standing appointment and telling me that he had had some complaints about my work, or my not getting my work done, should I say. Said he wants to talk to me asap and that he'll be in all of next week. Of course I didn't respond yesterday because I didn't get the email until last night, but now I'm terrified that I've screwed up for the last time.
I feel absolutely sick, couldn't sleep last night, dreading monday, knowing that I can't call in sick, and really feeling just miserable. really miserable.
I hate my job. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it, and it's not that I don't want to, it's that I just can't seem to make myself. I have absolutely no motivation, and the more fearful I become, the less I seem to get accomplished.
Not to mention that I can't stay awake all day.
When I talked to my pdoc yesterday evening I was feeling a bit better, but then got that email last night and starting sinking quick.
My brother is visiting me for the weekend and he noticed a change in my demeanor, but I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't understand. I'm glad he's here, but also frustrated because I don't feel like being social. I suppose it's good that I'm not alone.
But, seriously folks, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to/through Monday. Keep thinking about all the pills I have and how easy it would be to take them. Told my pdoc that I was having suicidal thoughts, but didn't have a 'plan' it was just more thoughts of 'wish I wasn't here...', but that changed last night. I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like my whole life is completely out of control and I can't do any of the things I want to be doing. I can't even take care of my dogs the way I want to because of my money situation that's only getting worse, and I'm terrified about talking to my boss, and I really don't know what to do.
Have thought seriously about checking myself into the hospital tomorrow night or Monday morning, after my brother leaves.
P
poster:Penny
thread:241142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241142.html