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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
Thursday I packed up all my boyfriend's stuff and
brought it over to his mom's where he used to live.
We have been dating for two years and I want to get married. He says he does, but I can tell he is not ready. we have looked at engagement rings
and I picked one out. He said it was too expensive($5,000) Is that a lot for a ring? I didn't think it was, but I guess it is all relative to how you were raised. I just feel like he always has an excuse whether it be too much money or whatever. I am very lonely now. He was my best friend and now I have no one. I have one good girlfriend, but even she is not supportive. Please help me.Angel1
Posted by Bookgurl99 on May 27, 2002, at 22:25:18
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
Angel,
sorry you're so lonely right now.
it sounds like you're regretting your decision. do you think it was the right thing to do?
it sounds like you two could benefit from some sort of counselling -- or just some thought. Is it possible you could get back together with him and wait until he's ready to be married?
bookgurl
Posted by sid on May 28, 2002, at 1:19:38
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
angel1,
about the ring: it all depends on your beliefs AND your financial situation. And HIS.I personally do not believe in symbols such as a ring or a marriage contract. I believe in actions, behavior, on a day-to-day basis. Show me that you love me - don't tell me, don't buy it for me; SHOW ME. Someone can buy you the greatest ring in the world then turn around and treat you like dirt. That's not what counts, it seems to me.
And for most people, yes, 5000$ is a LOT of money. Money that could be put to good use, perhaps better use than on a ring that may get lost, stolen or broken - a ring that is a symbol, not the real thing (talking about love here). Why not put 5000$ more on a down payment for a house? In a bank account for your future children to go to college? Give it to charity? Pay 5000$ off your student loan instead? Etc... All this to say, there are plenty of alternatives for how to spend money. The fact that you and your boyfriend don't agree on the ring should perhaps be discussed further. Perhaps it's a sign he's not ready to commit. Perhaps he just thinks it's a waste and so many other wonderful things could be done with that money - like a great honeymoon.
Talk to him about it if you regret throwing him out. Explain that you took his comment as a rejection (it sounds like it to me anyway in your message). On the other hand, if there are other problems that you did not write about in your post, ask yourself if perhaps throwing him out was not the right thing to do. Being lonely for now is temporary; if he's not what you're looking for, then don't run back to him just to avoid being lonely. That would not make you happy. Did you throw him out for one little thing, or for many things that accumulated over time and that you could not take anymore? That could make a huge difference in your next step. What do you want in a mate? Is he anything close to it?
To deal with the loneliness, try doing things you like. Call a friend, your family, go out, read, etc... And ask yourself if you'd like to call him back or not. Mind you, he may not want to take you back, but it sounds like you need to figure out your part of the deal.
Good luck.
- sid
Posted by beardedlady on May 28, 2002, at 7:05:41
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
My story, then yours:
My husband did not believe in marriage or contracts, yet he proposed to me at a few desperate times in my life (when I was pregnant at 20, when he gave me an STD at 22, etc.). But I was too young and didn't want that to be the reason we married. We bought a house together after about 2 years of renting together, and I asked him when we would get married. I asked him every year. We had to sell that house 9 years later, still living together. At the time, we didn't want kids, but we needed to get out of our neighborhood.
So after 11 years of living together ( I was 32), we got married and had a big wedding so we could get enough money for a down payment on a house, since ours wouldn't sell for six years later!
We celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary tomorrow. We have been in our relationship for almost 20 years.
------
Does your boyfriend say he loves you? It's perfectly reasonable for him to be not ready for marriage after just two years, love or not. And $5,000 is a lot of money! (My ring was a one-of-a-kind ruby and diamond chip thing--a very pretty, modern, little expression of love; it was $950. That's what we could afford.)
If he was your best friend, maybe you need to understand him better? Or be a little more patient? (We all have our limits, but why make yourself miserable over this?)
I'm not in my usual man-bashing mode, as my husband confessed to me that, although our lives have been busy and rocky and sometimes lacking in passion, he is still in love with me.
That was worth waiting 11 years for.
beardy : )>
Posted by Marie416 on May 28, 2002, at 15:36:18
In reply to $5,000 is a lot of money., posted by beardedlady on May 28, 2002, at 7:05:41
I agree that $5,000 is a lot of money but I am surrounded by women whose rings have costed that if not more. I have always anticipated having a nice diamond ring. To me it means something, not more than having a loving partner but it is something I want. You know better if your boyfriend is cheap or simply unable to afford it. If he's constantly buying himself things or squandering money on things beside you then you may have a valid point for throwing him out. If your boyfriend is not a go-getter and settles for the simpler things in life and you strive for more, then keep with your decision. What does his saying "$5,000 is a lot of money" signify to you? (Fear of commitment, laziness, not goal-oriented, uncaring or simply unable to afford at the moment) Find out and talk about it!
Posted by Kar on May 28, 2002, at 17:35:03
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
Angel1- i haven't read all of the replies above so forgive me if I repeat. How did he react when you did this? Was he apologetic/could he verbalize why he wasn't ready or what scared him about the whole thing? I don't think the price of the ring is the issue. I think that if he wanted to do this, he could have offered another solution (get something else now, the one you liked later?) Or he could've asked you to compromise a little. It ain't the ring, it's him. You say that he always has an excuse. is that when you talk about marriage or in general? Because if he was loving, caring, respectful in other aspects of your relationship, he may just need a little more time. One thing to keep in mind (because it doesn't seem as if you're convinced that this is over-over) is whether he ever initiated the topic of marriage or spoke about you in the future tense. What was your relationship like...and one more thing, how old is he? That may have something to do with it...
Even if your friend is not supportive, try to spend time with her...doing whatever. You don't have to be talking about him. If he calls or you call him, you should have a talk about what you wanted, why you were hurt,what he wants. Maybe wait and see what he does? It doesn't neccesarily have to be over if the two of you can compromise and come up with a plan.
Posted by sid on May 29, 2002, at 16:47:34
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
Posted by angel1 on May 29, 2002, at 21:19:20
In reply to Are you doing OK, angel1? Let us know. (nm) » angel1, posted by sid on May 29, 2002, at 16:47:34
thank you everyone for your insightful responses.
I learned a little from each and every one of your
replies. I suppose I over-reacted and their is a valid reason.(at least in my hot-headed mind).
I am in my late 30's and desperately want to have a baby, so there is a time frame I need to stick to. That is my big worry. No, I would not have a child alone.....that is out of the question for me. Back to the ring thing. One of you mentioned being surrounded by big rings, well same
here. I guess that is what I am comparing the ring I want to. Then someone said we could pick out a ring now and upgrade later. Good point.
We are doing O.k. We are still talking and perhaps I should keep trying, but he is not a good
communicator. He will not open up about intimate
things. He was married once before and I asked him why he divorced and all he says is "I don't know" when ya know damn well he's the only one that knows. Anyway, I could go on forever.
My celexa and desipramine combo are keeping my head above water. I'm impressed with this so far.
Any other words of wisdom are encouraged. Thank you all again. It's so refreshing to hear a different perspective!
Posted by adamie on May 29, 2002, at 22:57:52
In reply to I threw my boyfriend out: I'm so lonely, posted by angel1 on May 27, 2002, at 20:48:42
does the ring matter? it's nothing but a waste of money. if someone loves you then that love should be enough and not expect them to waste 5000 dollars on just some 'symbol' of love. an onion ring can serve the same purpose.
Posted by wendy b. on May 29, 2002, at 23:31:36
In reply to Re: Are you doing OK, angel1? Let us know., posted by angel1 on May 29, 2002, at 21:19:20
Angel,
I have been reading this thread with interest. I understand your very valid need to have a child within a certain time-frame. There is no answer to that question - either you meet someone soon and have some time before you have a baby, or it takes a little longer to meet the right guy, and you just have to roll with it... Just know there is no perfect time to have a baby. And a bad relationship maintained because you want to have a baby is no relationship at all...
As for the ring, I know I'm going to be unpopular with the opinion I express, but I'm gonna express it anyway. :-] ! At both of my jobs, I am SURROUNDED by women who have diamond engagement rings, diamond wedding bands, diamond anniversary rings with stones all around the band, diamond 'commitment' rings, diamond necklaces, diamond watches... You get my drift. And I wonder how I got through life without ONE single guy ever offering me a piece of jewelery like that. And I've been with a lot of guys, married once, you know, around the block... WHO are these people? Where is the guy who's going to buy me a $7,000 ring like my girfriend's? Or the 2-ct. rock another friend has? I mean, I never thought I'd say any of this... I know it doesn't 'mean' anything, it isn't a guarantee of anything. But hell, it sure would be nice! I mean, let 'em ask me, and maybe I'll turn it down, but would someone please ask me anyway?
I'm going nuts...
I know the 'practical' thing would be to say, let's spend the money on a house, or on our child's education, or put it into an IRA or a 401K. But sometimes practicality is vastly overrated...
Angel, I hope you get the things you wish for, don't settle for less than you deserve, ok?
Wendy> thank you everyone for your insightful responses.
> I learned a little from each and every one of your
> replies. I suppose I over-reacted and their is a valid reason.(at least in my hot-headed mind).
> I am in my late 30's and desperately want to have a baby, so there is a time frame I need to stick to. That is my big worry. No, I would not have a child alone.....that is out of the question for me. Back to the ring thing. One of you mentioned being surrounded by big rings, well same
> here. I guess that is what I am comparing the ring I want to. Then someone said we could pick out a ring now and upgrade later. Good point.
> We are doing O.k. We are still talking and perhaps I should keep trying, but he is not a good
> communicator. He will not open up about intimate
> things. He was married once before and I asked him why he divorced and all he says is "I don't know" when ya know damn well he's the only one that knows. Anyway, I could go on forever.
> My celexa and desipramine combo are keeping my head above water. I'm impressed with this so far.
> Any other words of wisdom are encouraged. Thank you all again. It's so refreshing to hear a different perspective!
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