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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fiona on April 26, 2002, at 15:02:15
I am so tired of everything. Some days (like today) life is such a struggle. I feel like the men in the slapstick movies who constantly push a heavy piano uphill, and just as they reach the top they lose their grip and they get run over. Is that all life is? Getting run over? Feels like it.
I just can't seem to get out of this hole, no matter how I try and I am sick of it. I feel like just as I see a way out the lid shuts on me and I'm trapped again. I hate myself for not being able to do it, other people seem to be able to sort out their problems and move on, why can't I? Maybe I don't try hard enough, maybe I don't care enough, maybe I'm just not a deserving person. My life seems to be slipping away from me and I have no control over it. I want it back, the way it used to be, when I had a path to follow and I was happy. I knew where my life was going, and it was good. Now it's a constant merry-go-round of worry and hurt and dissapointment. I am tired of it, I want it to stop.
Posted by kid_A on April 26, 2002, at 18:40:02
In reply to I'm so tired, posted by fiona on April 26, 2002, at 15:02:15
fiona,
i can't tell you how to be happy, because i don't know how to be happy myself, and odds are what would work for me wouldn't work for you...i'll be honest, i don't even think i can tell you that i know how this story ends, i often wonder if i'll be depressed all my life... like you said, its sort of like the myth of Sisyphus, condemned to roll a heavy rock up a hill only to have that rock come tumbling down, over and over...
what i can tell you is that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, we may be depressed or anxious or any miriad of emotions may befall us, but that doesnt mean that we are weak, or -defective- or that even, even in the darkest depth of depression when suicide enters our mind, we are just simply overwhelmed by what troubles us, and what troubles us outweighs what we have in the means of coping mechanisms... thats all...
hell, i don't even like myself that much, but i'll be damned if i'll feel bad on top of everything else about my depression... all i can say is this, it only gets better if you go forward... if you stop and give up, it goes nowhere... again, i don't have any answers, thats what i'm trying to learn to do right now... just keep going forward... with any luck, with a few help from people here, i just may do that...
keep in mind, there are people who understand how you feel, perhaps not exactly because we're all different, but you're amoungst good company, don't forget that...
Posted by fiona on April 26, 2002, at 19:06:32
In reply to Re: I'm so tired » fiona, posted by kid_A on April 26, 2002, at 18:40:02
I won't forget that. I think if it were not for all you wonderful people I would have gone over the edge of the precipice before now.
Posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 19:48:30
In reply to I'm so tired, posted by fiona on April 26, 2002, at 15:02:15
Fiona, I have no wisdom to offer - nothing to help in any way - just more questions. I feel so baffled by it all. Our minds are a landscape where the weather inside us blows. Somedays, it can be tranquil, peaceful & beautiful even. Then a wind blows. Our little mental garden we've tended is whipped about. Sometimes, it quickly dies down, other times, the storm gathers force & everything crashes & is broken. But on the outside, no one knows.
I'm so confused how the changes in mental chemistry do this to us. I feel frustrated & angry that all the will & strength one can summon won't control the mental storm. Most times, we don't even know what made it start. My determination isn't enough to halt it - my moods are prey to the whims of my chemistry. I hate it. I hate my malfunctioning body controlling my mind & I can't fix it.
Fighting it seems to lead to no where - just another day passes & it all repeats. I've accepted that my life is a cycle - ups & downs. Silly me, I'm always so optimistic when I'm up - convinced that I've got it licked for good now. But deep inside, I know it's just waiting to go down again. At least, the up side is becoming more frequent than the down side. Probably no sooner say this & I won't have any up sides for a long, long time. Oh, I hope not.
Keep pushing, Fiona. We all are. Sometimes, we push together, sometimes very much alone. But most of us here are still trying to get to the top too. We're in it together though that seems like little solace to offer.
Posted by Fi on April 28, 2002, at 10:19:13
In reply to I'm so tired, posted by fiona on April 26, 2002, at 15:02:15
Mainly to add sympathies- know how that feels all too well!
And to stress again that you have no reason to hate yourself; there are also lots of people who dont sort out their problems, or do so only slowly and with difficulty.
> Maybe I don't try hard enough, maybe I don't care enough, maybe I'm just not a deserving person.No! The first and second are unlikely, and the third just isnt true at all. Life is unfair- bad things happen to good people all the time, and vice versa.
> My life seems to be slipping away from me and I have no control over it. I want it back, the way it used to be, when I had a path to follow and I was happy. I knew where my life was going, and it was good. Now it's a constant merry-go-round of worry and hurt and dissapointment. I am tired of it, I want it to stop.
That is *so* familiar. Its so unfair, isnt it? And not optional- its not like someone who is slightly overweight who can decide to stop dieting. We are stuck with how we feel. Therapy and meds may help, but its a long grind. Get all the support you can and be kind to yourself- you deserve it.
Its highly likely that you will feel better sometime, and then life will be much easier- honest!
Fi
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