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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
this is going to be kind of long.
prior to starting prozac, i felt every moment as if i'd been run over by a train, broken sad and desperate, all i could do was slump down with a beer. one of the things that hurt me most was that one of my best friends had stopped contacting me, and he somewhat knew what a rough time i was going through.
our friendship was unusual--for 8 years it was all writing, letters 5 to 40 pages long, we spoke on the phone occasionally but had never met in person. finally, after all these years we did and for many months we had a grand time together...and then i went crazy. that's my own word for it. i moved home and wrote to him that i'd returned to my parents' house to heal, and would he please protect our city and its people while i was away?
i wrote several letters and received no response...then the prozac kicked in and i had energy, i was angry, i reflected on our friendship and how he'd always called me "kiddo," how my psychoanalyst had repeatedly referred to him as a narcissist (and i agreed) *and*--what pissed me off the most is that over beers one night (when i was going crazy last year) he strongly hinted that my writing ability's not up to par--he and i had once had juvenile dreams of being writers, novelists, journalists--and i'd already decided that it wasn't something i'd pursue as a career...and at the same time, he was self-publishing these little books of poems and distributing them to his friends...
one night i took alot of adderall that i'd bought from a friend (i don't need adderall, but it's fun to take, draws me into a deep fascinating tunnel of pure concentration) and reflected on things...by morning time i was sobbing, convinced that our friendship was a sham, that my writing really *was* crap and that since i was going to kill myself anyway (not over this) i decided to destroy all of my journals. i ripped all 13 of them to shreds, poured the blue and white and beige into a hefty cinch-sak and tossed it into a dumpster.
the other night i was thinking about all of this, how much this "friend" had hurt me and helped to destroy my faith in my writing ability...i felt as if someone had lit a fire beneath me. i gathered all of his letters (dozens and dozens of thick envelopes) and gifts to me (books), put them in a trash can, and set the whole thing on fire as i drank wine and listened to the Rolling Stones.
i do not regret this. what i've been wondering is, does this qualify me as a crazy bitch? have all of these meds made me lose my humanity?
i don't know.
Posted by tensor on November 20, 2001, at 16:15:57
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
Hi,
He sounds like shit to me, he turned his back to you probably because he got scared. That's not an excuse. You do like writing? As a little vengeance, how about writing a little novel about a friend of yours that you knew and wrote letters to, like the one you wrote above and then send it to him, and strongly hinting him what an asshole the friend was.
And no, it does not qualify you as a crazy bitch, believe me I do know what is needed to qualify.
> our friendship was unusual--for 8 years it was all writing, letters 5 to 40 pages long, we spoke on the phone occasionally but had never met in person. finally, after all these years we did and for many months we had a grand time together...and then i went crazy. that's my own word for it. i moved home and wrote to him that i'd returned to my parents' house to heal, and would he please protect our city and its people while i was away?
>
> i wrote several letters and received no response...then the prozac kicked in and i had energy, i was angry, i reflected on our friendship and how he'd always called me "kiddo," how my psychoanalyst had repeatedly referred to him as a narcissist (and i agreed) *and*--what pissed me off the most is that over beers one night (when i was going crazy last year) he strongly hinted that my writing ability's not up to par--he and i had once had juvenile dreams of being writers, novelists, journalists--and i'd already decided that it wasn't something i'd pursue as a career...and at the same time, he was self-publishing these little books of poems and distributing them to his friends...
>
> one night i took alot of adderall that i'd bought from a friend (i don't need adderall, but it's fun to take, draws me into a deep fascinating tunnel of pure concentration) and reflected on things...by morning time i was sobbing, convinced that our friendship was a sham, that my writing really *was* crap and that since i was going to kill myself anyway (not over this) i decided to destroy all of my journals. i ripped all 13 of them to shreds, poured the blue and white and beige into a hefty cinch-sak and tossed it into a dumpster.
>
> the other night i was thinking about all of this, how much this "friend" had hurt me and helped to destroy my faith in my writing ability...i felt as if someone had lit a fire beneath me. i gathered all of his letters (dozens and dozens of thick envelopes) and gifts to me (books), put them in a trash can, and set the whole thing on fire as i drank wine and listened to the Rolling Stones.
>
> i do not regret this. what i've been wondering is, does this qualify me as a crazy bitch? have all of these meds made me lose my humanity?
>
> i don't know.
Posted by Greg A. on November 20, 2001, at 16:38:34
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
Sar,
First let me say that, from what I have read on this board you write with a definite talent and style. So don’t let one narcissist’s wrong opinion change you. (He must be a somewhat insecure narcissist as well, to be trying to bring you down)
It’s okay to throw out all that stuff. One theory is that you should never re-read journals and the like. They are for the present only; to speak whatever you have held inside, or to try to make sense of jumbled thoughts.
When I was (more) crazy a couple of years ago, I believed, in an obsessive way, that this tall, blond, younger female was the answer to my misery. (When we are distressed and hurt it’s very common and natural to find someone who will reflect just what we want to see) I wrote long letters to her. I poured out my feelings and insecurities. I eventually realized she was just a regular mixed up lady, with faults and problems of her own and one who had little understanding of what I felt or needed. I threw out every scrap I had saved from that time. I tossed things in anger at first, and then later in relief. I felt no need to keep any of it. It signified both an end to a period in my life and a willingness to look to the future.
What you did is to acknowledge that the past is over; and while not totally forgotten, it is the lessons learned which you take from that time and not all the details. That’s a very human thing to do.Keep on writing
Greg
Posted by kiddo on November 20, 2001, at 17:00:27
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
From one Kiddo to another-
IMHO, I think he's either threatened by the talent you have-and has to put you down to make himself feel better and/or scared because of his insecurities-as someone mentioned earlier.
I seldom write anything, but I do know one thing, the best stuff comes from within your heart.
> this is going to be kind of long.
>
> prior to starting prozac, i felt every moment as if i'd been run over by a train, broken sad and desperate, all i could do was slump down with a beer. one of the things that hurt me most was that one of my best friends had stopped contacting me, and he somewhat knew what a rough time i was going through.
>
> our friendship was unusual--for 8 years it was all writing, letters 5 to 40 pages long, we spoke on the phone occasionally but had never met in person. finally, after all these years we did and for many months we had a grand time together...and then i went crazy. that's my own word for it. i moved home and wrote to him that i'd returned to my parents' house to heal, and would he please protect our city and its people while i was away?
>
> i wrote several letters and received no response...then the prozac kicked in and i had energy, i was angry, i reflected on our friendship and how he'd always called me "kiddo," how my psychoanalyst had repeatedly referred to him as a narcissist (and i agreed) *and*--what pissed me off the most is that over beers one night (when i was going crazy last year) he strongly hinted that my writing ability's not up to par--he and i had once had juvenile dreams of being writers, novelists, journalists--and i'd already decided that it wasn't something i'd pursue as a career...and at the same time, he was self-publishing these little books of poems and distributing them to his friends...
>
> one night i took alot of adderall that i'd bought from a friend (i don't need adderall, but it's fun to take, draws me into a deep fascinating tunnel of pure concentration) and reflected on things...by morning time i was sobbing, convinced that our friendship was a sham, that my writing really *was* crap and that since i was going to kill myself anyway (not over this) i decided to destroy all of my journals. i ripped all 13 of them to shreds, poured the blue and white and beige into a hefty cinch-sak and tossed it into a dumpster.
>
> the other night i was thinking about all of this, how much this "friend" had hurt me and helped to destroy my faith in my writing ability...i felt as if someone had lit a fire beneath me. i gathered all of his letters (dozens and dozens of thick envelopes) and gifts to me (books), put them in a trash can, and set the whole thing on fire as i drank wine and listened to the Rolling Stones.
>
> i do not regret this. what i've been wondering is, does this qualify me as a crazy bitch? have all of these meds made me lose my humanity?
>
> i don't know.
Posted by mist on November 20, 2001, at 17:45:31
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
sar, I really like the writing in your posts. It's honest and alive. You would make a great character in a novel written by yourself.
As for burning the things from your friend, it's not as if you set him or his property on fire. The items were yours to burn and it was a way of expressing the hurt and anger you were left with. However, I have to say that one of the reasons I didn't like Prozac (which I took for a very short time) is it made me react in a more aggressive, out-of-control way than I would have otherwise. I don't think what you did was overly aggressive, but if there was a quality you didn't like about the experience (like you weren't quite yourself, it felt like more of a compulsion than a choice, or you felt a blind, over-the-top rage that couldn't be explained as simply a response to your pain) I suppose it's worth considering that the Prozac could have something to do with it.
-mist
Posted by dreamer on November 20, 2001, at 20:03:43
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 20, 2001, at 21:50:35
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
No. (answer to last question). You've brought this friend up several times, and so I feel very sad with you about the "break up". I had a friend like this - have been dreaming about him lately. He and I walked down the aisle in high school graduation together.
Sar, I can't tell you how many people have not been able to deal with me b/c of this illness. That's not meant to be a downer - it's just true. We are different people with an amazing talent for seeing the world differently. We scare people. We tend to be much smarter, much more creative, and more perceptive.
This friend was not there for you when you needed him. My thought is you need to let him, and his comments, go.
- K.
Posted by Mair on November 20, 2001, at 21:54:58
In reply to Re: he was jelous Sar (nm), posted by dreamer on November 20, 2001, at 20:03:43
Sar - I agree with all of the above. This guy sounds like one jealous bastard. It speaks volumes that he hasn't been in touch. I don't think you should let anyone influence how you feel about your writing. All of us here can attest to its quality.
Also, Rolling Stones? Janis Joplin? Have you ever considered that you are reincarnated or perhaps just born 25 years too late? Have you ever listened to Tom Rush?
Mair
Posted by sar on November 21, 2001, at 5:37:02
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
thanks all, for your kind words.
in truth, my ex-friend was the better writer, and i adored him for it. i've a weakness for well-composed prose and poetry, and during these years he sent me so many pieces that bowled me over, in addition to introducing me to some of his favorite writers.
our friendship has seriosuly waned in the past 9 months or so, and i've finally decided that it wasn't that he was jealous, it was his lack of empathy that ultimately destroyed our friendship. maybe he couldn't handle my going crazy. fine. but he did call himself a truth-seeking madman, and i ultimately felt mislead.
while i was busy losing my mind, he was hotly pursuing a tig-bitty blonde at his jobplace. fine, we all have our own lives, but--
i guess it's the border. it's the border...this illness has separated my true friends from the flakes...tonight i almost cried in my boyfriend's arms as i told him of going tothe hospital. he understood. i don't know how.
whati fault my ex-friend for is his lack of emotionality. for many years i loved him deeply, and finally i couldn;t stand for any of the letters to be scattered 'round my room. i don't want to see that handwriting anymore...
Mair--i do like lots of sixties and seventies music--the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, the Doors, Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Pink Floyd, Leonard Cohen...but i've never heard of Tom Rush! i'll check him out...i like contemporary stuff too (trip hop, hip hop, rock etc) but i've beenin a real folksy/ ole rock 'n' roll mood for awhile now.
once, wheni was very drunk, a boy was playing Bobby Dylan on his guitar, and i snuck over and kissed him on the neck...you can guess the rest...i'm a sucker for good music...!
love,
sar
Posted by mair on November 21, 2001, at 7:40:41
In reply to Re: emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 21, 2001, at 5:37:02
> Sar - I don't really want you to listen to Tom Rush. The stuff of his that I used to like is the kind of thing that tends to feed depressions not lift them.
Mair
Posted by Marie1 on November 21, 2001, at 9:23:54
In reply to Re: emotions dulled or backbone grown? » sar, posted by mair on November 21, 2001, at 7:40:41
Sar,
I like Tensor's idea of capturing the relationship on paper. I know you could do it; you're an enormously talented writer, IMO. I'm thinking Gweneth Paltrow to play you in the movie version?> > Sar - I don't really want you to listen to Tom Rush. The stuff of his that I used to like is the kind of thing that tends to feed depressions not lift them.
>
> MairYou know, I think the same is true of Pink Floyd; listening to them tends to make me feel worse. Peter Gabriel certainly demonstrates the creative genius that can be found in depression.
Marie
Posted by Greg A. on November 21, 2001, at 11:29:22
In reply to Re: emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by Marie1 on November 21, 2001, at 9:23:54
Geez sar - Pink Floyd!!- We give away a lot about ourselves in the music we enjoy, don't we. i remember seeing them at a small venue, when I was very young. They were not well known then. Here were these guys on the stage setting up equipment and so on, when one of them picks up a guitar and says ' Hi - we're the band.'
How about 'Comfortably Numb' for us depressed listeners? Or 'Shine on you Krazy Diamond' (spelling altered for Ms. Kat)
BTW sar - another sign of a good writer is the ability to analyze what is truly going on in a situation. Sounds like you are pretty advanced in this area.Greg
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 14:46:12
In reply to Re: emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by Greg A. on November 21, 2001, at 11:29:22
i actually prefer depressing music, movies, and books when i'm down. they make me feel less alone. the happy stuff sounds like headache-y cotton candy, fake (of course, when i feel better, i can dig it).
Marie, that was sweet. Gwenyth Paltrow, eh? Hmm...i'd have to bleach my hair, lose about 10 pounds, get ole Calvin to put me in some decent clothes...i do have the light freckles and blue eyes and chicken legs though, that's a start!
Greg--funny that you bring up "Shine on, You Krazy Diamond." (I like the spelling alteration, too.) Once when i was in the hospital they had this thing called "music therapy" which i found really--i dunno, too simplistic and touchy-feely weird--and the only decent thing i could find in the teacher's music box was Pink Floyd, and i chose "shine on You Crazy Diamond" as my song. i didn't like the teacher much and it pissed her off that the song has like, 4 movements... :) heh heh..then we had to explain why we'd chosen each particular song, and i said that we (the dozen of loonies in the room) were all crazy diamonds...
i think the same could be said of the folks on this board...
This is the end of the thread.
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