![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 11 to 35 of 35. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by Partlycloudy on October 28, 2013, at 7:37:52
Sounds so similar that man issue. Phillipa
Posted by baseball55 on October 28, 2013, at 20:14:33
In reply to Re: extra money » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
I also need quiet time, though, to tell the truth, sometimes I have to much of it and feel lonely.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:29:45
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by Partlycloudy on October 28, 2013, at 7:37:52
> Good, now you have a deadline and a countdown. It does help to see the number of days shrink.
yeah. i need to wait to hear back from them about when, exactly, i can move. i think they are looking into whether it might be possible for me to move sooner so...
conference is about then. so that is something to look forward to indeed. the conference will be a family reunion for me. catching up with all my friends... my family... i will leave this conference full of motivation / inspiration to really knuckle down over the summer. at least... that is how i felt after conference last year. so... things are good, yeah.
and i finally see what i have to do re: supervisor / extension. so that is a huge load off.
i am glad to hear that your situation is going okay... in the sense that you are hanging in there. i find your situation very interesting with respect to negotiating the fine line between another person being too close / too far away. but... i really do feel that there are very significantly important differences between my present situation and yours...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:39:39
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:25
> I pretend to talk to people on my cell phone all the time so people leave me alone.
yeah. i hear that a lot of people do this. isn't that awful??? why should one have to??? why do the rowdy masses get to ruin things for everyone else???
> December 8th will come quickly and then you can leave your physically and emotionally immature flatmates behind. I couldn't take living with 17-year-olds who think they're all grown up.yeah. a huge part of the problem is that they are children, yeah. i forget that i am used to emotionally mature 18 year olds (e.g., first year university students). i forget that they are... some of the most mature 18 year olds that there are. most are significantly less mature than that... and the two across the hallway... they really aren't any better than the two 13 year old girls that were driving me nuts earlier. the difference was that i had some kind of limited authority over the 13 year olds because they were just 13. whereas in this case...
the 'party line' seems to be that they are quiet 80% of the time (because they are asleep / at school 80% of the time). so i need to suck up the fact that they are entitled to make noise the rest of the time.
i replied to this via email (so people can read it over the 9 or 12 or 30 f*ck*ng times that they need in order to comprehend)... that they can make noise 100% of the time up the other end of the house, in the other 3 houses, or anywhere else in the world, really. that i like to listen to loud music in my room too but i wear headphones to do so out of consideration for others who may be sleeping. that i manage to not wake them up 100% of the time, not prevent / interrupt their study / work 100% of the time and all i was asking was for this basic consideration to be extended back to me. that students do better when they are well rested and when they have quiet study spaces available to them. whether they choose to utilize them or not is a separate issue. student accommodation should at least be obligated to provide the opportunity.
i... don't think they framed the issue in that way.
anyway... the head lady said she would talk to them... and things were in fact quiet last night (i think because they went next door to socialize which is totally find by me).
i just can't believe that this interpretation didn't occur to them.
it isn't poverty. it is bad management. incomprehension of what the kids need / what is good for the kids. i... don't know what to say. sometimes... the road to hell is paved by good intentions.
of course what they need is for one on one attention to teach them how to study effectively in a quiet space. they seem to think i'm being selfish in studying in my room rather than modeling study in a communal area. they don't get that watching me study would be like their primary kids trying to learn rugby by watching the all blacks...
it doesn't seem to translate...
i don't know what to say.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:41:17
In reply to Re: extra money » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
> Sounds so similar that man issue. Phillipa
thanks, Phillipa. i do really appreciate pc's support but... the issues don't strike me as terribly similar...
i...
that poem about the wedding etc... i... didn't get it. i don't understand why people who obviously don't have my need for quiet / solitude keep thinking that they get it. i... don't understand...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:43:53
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by baseball55 on October 28, 2013, at 20:14:33
> I also need quiet time, though, to tell the truth, sometimes I have to much of it and feel lonely.
yeah. i get lonely too sometimes. i... but that is when it is time for me to go out and socialize.
i... never feel like company in my own personal space.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 0:21:21
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:43:53
Alex you sound like me. If I want to socialize I leave the home and venture somewhere else. Hence nursing was good for me. Left work home and no socialization. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 0:21:21
yes phillipa i'm just like you. that is why i got married.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:42:33
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
i do understand that a lot of people get something from the whole mirroring 'me too, just like you' thing.
something that i am coming to terms with is that with respect to my need for intimacy / personal space... i am not 'just like' most people, at all.
i do appreciate that people are trying to empathize with what is going on for me. but i feel a little like... well, perhaps people will understand this: like someone who is in the midst of a catatonic depression with someone else saying they understand exactly because sometimes they feel sad. i don't mean this to undermine other peoples serious and legitimate needs around negotiating boundaries differently or whatever... but i think that this is a very different issue indeed from the personal space issue that is going on for me.
i...
i feel very frustrated indeed because i really feel like most of the time people really don't hear me at all. they are too busy saying 'of course dear, i understand exactly dear' to even really listen to what it is that i have to say. i had another conversation today with the lady who runs the place which consisted in her saying that she didn't understand my problem with noise since it is mostly quiet all day.
i had to say that the situation is basically that they don't understand what is involved in writing a phd and about how it is much more than that.
but basically the issue is 'i just want a quiet place where i can solely focus on my thesis' simply doesn't sink into peoples brains. i don't know how to say it so they understand. i think it is because it springs from a feeling / desire (for solitude) that they don't understand. (sorry people but wanting a half hour or a whole day away from ones spouse isn't quite the same thing).
i can see that i... can't get the feeling behind the wedding thing... i'm not all like 'oh yeah, i totally understand this desire that people have to get married and be the center of attention and find and be with a life partner'. i can see that it is a sentiment that i really just don't get. why do other people think they get me when they so obviously do not?
what the f*ck am i missing?
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 29, 2013, at 11:50:13
In reply to Re: sorry people, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:42:33
Well, to be clear, my spouse works at home. I don't work and am usually housebound. We are together 24/7, which I find really too close for comfort. My need for solitude is more than he has his space (to work) and I need mine.
To be blunt, he gets right up my nose and it's intolerable at times.So not to say you come across as elitist. But. You really do. We all have our own situations we deal with. Why not put down that paintbrush you use on all of us and try to see we all have individual needs that we are trying to have met?
Nuff said.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 21:20:29
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
Alex no you are smarter I should have learned the first time I married that I'm too independent to want to compromise and do what the other wants. Never had one marriage that has worked. My response to other was when inbetween marriages and on my own. I socialized at work returned home read a book, walked the dogs, jogged at the time. I had no one I had to report to but me. And I should have kept it that way. But in a way I feel age is one of my problems as of the generation that a female should be married and it's not true. Keep doing what you are. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 22:08:36
In reply to t and me, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2013, at 17:11:15
I got offered a place in 2 weeks time!
Now: This feels more manageable.
Once I have the space I need at home I will be in a better position to validate others.
At present... I feel in danger of being engulfed by others needs for sameness / like Max felt when Mary tried to figure out how to 'fix' him.
I just need some time out for me, right now. No hard feelings. I'll be back. I'll be better. 14 sleeps to go! F*ck yeah! Carry on!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2013, at 18:43:38
In reply to Re: 14 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 22:08:36
Moving on the 11th. Lorazepam... Interesting.
Turn up the headphones... 2 seasons of Dexter. Sim City 4. Bejewelled. BBC Radio 1 Essential Mixes. I'll get there. 6 sleeps to go.I'm moving up the quiet end of campus. By the staff club. Grounds with 'passive recreation only - no ball games' signs. Significantly quieter and prettier than the other end of campus.
Went to a talk on Friday. My old summer scholarship supervisor... It has been a while... Lots of familiar faces from around the department. Hopefully I can keep Friday afternoons free next year and keep my connections to the philosophical community. It will help keep me sane.
6 sleeps to go...
Conference is here early December! People coming from Australia, too.
Only 6 sleeps to go...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 8, 2013, at 2:27:26
In reply to Re: 6 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2013, at 18:43:38
There was a talk on the origins of the universe today. The big bang. The genetic code. The role of philosophy... By some physicist dude. I didn't get to it because (sigh) of troubles with Work and Income. I think... This will be the last of my troubles with them.
I am known to the city people now. I might be imagining things... But I think maybe it was about that. Then the accommodation people again...
I am starting out up high in the tower block. With a tiny little window. But possibly with a view. In a studio with only a microwave with no cook-top. Not entirely self-contained. Probably... So they can see how I go. Keep a bit more of an eye on me. Or maybe I'm being paranoid...
So I missed the talk... But I went for drinks. I am welcome around the department. I will be welcome around the staff club next year. Met some second year mathemetitian / logician / computer scientist... Nobody much cares about what you are formally enrolled in... People can tell the difference.
For the first time in a very long time...
I've come home.
Properly.
I am a little scared of the city. A lot scared of the 700+ bio-medders and 300+ health sci-ers all fighting it out for a place in medicine... Of the money motivation. Of the prestige motivation. Of the do-goody motivation... But a lot less scared of the academic community. My... Home.
The only home I've got.
The benzo's are f*ck*ng amazing. Glad I've got alternative things to live for or I really would be in danger of being lost... Anteriograde amnesia FTW. Going to start stuffing my stuff in big black gargage sacks from tomorrow (since some bastard stole my suitcase in their rush to get the f*ck away from here).
Yay Dexter. Even though hollywood sociopaths annoy me, rather...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:21:51
In reply to Re: 3 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on November 8, 2013, at 2:27:26
I have this faint memory that is episodic. Flashes. More of a feeling, really. Being in the back of the car... Driving round the campus... Through the city... I can't have been older than, like, 7. Seeing the tower blocks and this faint feeling... Longing... That maybe I'd grow up one day to be in one of those tower blocks. Faint memory of the general library, too. Thinking medicine even then.
I have a few memories like that. Ones of swans made out of black tires floating on some lake down the south island... This and that about witchy-poo from puffinstuff... Weird things... But I definatly had one of here. And now... I feel like I need to pinch myself to wake myself up.
It is a bit like when I arrived in Aussie to start my PhD. Arriving at the hall... Knowing it was going to be my home for the next 3 years (or so). Realising... The same thing here.
I'm on the 13th floor. Fortunately I'm not superstitious. There are a row of 4 windows all along the end starting from about waist height. The building is sort of oddly shaped... My room is a little like a pie segment. So I have... A panorama of the harbour. Sky tower and everything. Vector arena. The wind really whistles up here. The traffic is a constant vibration / hum. Can't hear horns or anything but it is loud. Maybe from the harbour, too. Can watch cruise ships coming and going.
How did I get from there to here? What did I do / how do I deserve it? I feel... Baffled, again. Brand new flatscreen with concert radio and radio national... Brand new (midget) microwave... Desk that can be used as a standing work station... Moving early December (meant to be to a slightly better option - bigger, with a cook top)... I think there are pros and cons of the different aspects / options...
I just feel I'm dreaming... I feel so lucky. So happy.
I have to finish my thesis. It is the only thing.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:23:48
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:21:51
oh. i have to learn to be more patient.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 9:23:06
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:23:48
Congratulations on landing safely. Settle in and enjoy it.
You are where you wanted to be, that is marvelous!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 13:57:39
In reply to Re: dreaming... » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 9:23:06
> Congratulations on landing safely. Settle in and enjoy it.
> You are where you wanted to be, that is marvelous!Thank you ((((((PC)))))))
:-)
I found a way to stop the wind-tunnel effect and significantly reduce traffic noise: Shut the windows ha! It is actually a really quiet building. Have heard my most immediate neighbour opening and shutting his door and a cough in the hallway and a couple bumps of muffled closet slammings, but that is all. But it is the middle of exams right now so possible that neighbours really just aren't talking in their rooms / turning on their tv's etc.
There is this air extractor in the bathroom that runs constantly... It is really surprisingly very effective at stopping the shower from steaming things up and getting smells out. Apparently it will clear smoke from burning food / toast and steam from the kettle if any of those happen to set off the fire alarm in my room, too. Just don't open the door to set off the floor alarm unless you really mean to.
The weirdest thing is that there are two apartment blocks fairly close... And around 1/3 of the people wander about in them with their lights on and their curtains / blinds wide open. I feel like a perv watching them watch TV or read or... Watch me back lol. I suppose you just know that if your curtains are open then people may be watching... I feel... Kind of exposed. But I kind of have an urge to purchase some binoculars, too. I wonder what that man is doing, jumping around oddly like that. I'm not entirely sure I want to know... Some of those apartments over there seem nicely decorated...
I really have never lived in a city before. Or spent much time in cities... It is reminding me a lot of hanging out in Sydney with (((Damos)))
I know it is weird since I'm meant to be moving to an upgrade and all come December... But I kind of feel like I want to stay here... Though it is a pain without a cook top... And we don't seem to have freezer space available to us anywhere.
Anyway... Sorry to bore people with minutae of my life lol. I just... Still feel I'm dreaming, rather.
Going to email supervisor today. Seeing T on Thursday. I think... I'm going to trek out to keep seeing her for a bit. Will take some time to set things up here. And... Well... I think I will miss her. They... Supported me to get this. (((Team)))
Maybe... Just maybe... This country ain't so f*ck*ng bad after all. Except for the douche bag personal trainer teaching his client to f*ck about in the squat rack *talking about squats* making it hard for me to jump in to do chins on the *only straight grip chin up bar* in the whole f*ck*ng gym. Grr... Patience. I must learn patience. Grr...
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 15:41:14
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 13:57:39
I miss Damos too! We re having our kitchen still renovated, though it is functioning!! I have cup and bowls put away and food in the pantry instead of in random boxes on the floor.
I just thought of an inexpensive appliance that may help you until your housing is upgraded: an electric skillet/saucepan? It would allow you to do stir fry type of meals instead of just living off of ramen noodles. I was able to find all-in-one meals (likely loaded with sodium, but a real treat)in the frozen foods section of the market. Everything was included in the bag, and I just heated it up in the skillet.
If you can't find one, you can have mine. Don't know anything about electric adapters between her end there. Just as idea.
Enjoy your place!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 18:17:45
In reply to Re: dreaming... » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 15:41:14
Glad to hear your kitchen renovation is progressing. I have been thinking about an electric frypan... Or even an electric stove top element... I'm not sure I have the room here to use it safely... The place really doesn't feel cramped - but slotting things into it in order to keep it feeling that way is a bit of a mission. There really isn't much in the way of storage space or room to wiggle more generally. There is a kitchen on the ground floor... And I have a frypan / pot as part of my kitchen pack... I guess I could use that...
Trying to figure whether there is a setting such that the icebox keeps goods frozen - but my vegetables do not freeze. I suspect there is not.
I'm getting a trauma type freeze response. Just now seeing it for what it is. Shrinking. I'm scared to make regular person noises because regular person noises sent people running towards me before. So I learned to slink around as quietly as possible hoping that nobody would notice my existence and come hurt / annoy me. I jump every time I turn on a tap and it makes noise. I wonder how long it will take me to settle down...
I'm starting to make some sense of why...
I am a writer. That is basically what I'm up to / what I do. I write. I read what other people write... Then I think about it... Then I write something. Based on others, but creative. Some back and forth round and round process of that. And I do it... Mostly. I'm doing it when I'm washing my dishes. I'm doing it when I'm walking to where I've got to go. I'm doing it when I'm having a shower. I feel... I often feel... Like I'm hollow or something. Not in a bad way. I'm just... Open somehow. Like a conduit or something. For what it is that I produce. My work, I mean. That is a product of... My environment. Channeled through me somehow... Typed by my hand. And mostly what I do with my day... Is I potter around. And all kinds of things just sort of occur to me. And get done. Like buying toilet paper. Like sorting out that confusing paragraph over there.
When things are good... Things flow. And I'm... Happy. No... I'm... Content. I'm doing what I do. Need / want. Whatever. I just am.
It helps a lot when the environment is... Pretty. And... And it mostly is now. There is a lot of pretty. Like there was before, last summer. Pretty and peaceful somehow. Because people... Lots of them, yes. But... Indifferent. Detached / removed somehow. Not demanding of my attention.
And... So long as things are mostly working. Mostly flowing. It is... Well... Personally... I think it is the very best life that I could possibly dream of or ever imagine for myself. It is the only thing I want, really.
But then some people did ask of me before... What is this building and that and the next... And that conversation was pleasant enough...
And I simply can't function when other people can't be quiet. When they aren't participating in a similar kind of thinking process for themself. When they walk around with their constant noises - their singing or whistling or humming or portable music. The way they stomp and click their fingers and otherwise demand 'stop whatever you are doing with your mind and pay attention to me! pay attention to me! pay attention to me!' all the f*ck*ng time. I can't function anywhere near such people.
The Maaori / Pacific Islander thing... The cultural clash... It is a cultural clash indeed. It never really occurred to me before... People within those communities... Older people mostly... But people within those communities... Some of them... What they really / mostly want... Is for things to be how things were. Before the white people came. The white people. Bringing their 'quiet please' and 'manners say please and thank you' and 'children should be seen and not heard' and 'what a polite and well mannered little girl' and their classical music and orchestras and their paintings and math and science and ... Well... Sometimes, even, yes... Their technologies... Their medicine. They find peace in that timelessness. The pacific islands... Are not harsh environments. They are temperate. Food is plentiful. It isn't hard work to subsistence live in a small community. Doesn't take much... In the way of organization... At all.
This city is very pretty. Too pretty, in a way. People are here for the wrong reasons. Student accommodation is so f*ck*ng hard to get into because student accommodation is so f*ck*ng amazing. A quiet, peaceful, pretty place in the city. Who wouldn't want that? There isn't a method for sorting... For giving it to those who are most deserving. Most deserving 'somehow'. In a way yet to be specified. That is the problem, I guess. Because... Well... Because some people have never even been given a chance. It gives them a chance. It levels the playing field as much as it can be leveled at a certain point / at that point.
I am extremely grateful that they are considering me to have earned it already (with my having demonstrated I proritize what I'm here for: study).
I... Remember hearing people say that Canberra was such a great place to work because... There wasn't much of anything else to do. I see that... There is some truth to that. I think that also, what people need to consider is that those who go there to study there... Well... They are there for the right reasons. I mean... People go to Sydney and Melbourne etc etc etc to study because they want to go to Sydney and Melbourne etc. The only reason people go to Canberra to study is... To study. Because it is the best place to study. So the people who are there... Are the... Well... The best sort of people. In some sense of best. They are there for the right reasons.
Here... Is a mixed bag. But pretty pretty pretty. Art galleries and museums etc etc etc. What a beautiful... What an inspiring environment. And there are people who are here for the right reasons. And... Enough of them to detect other people who are here for the right reasons. And...
I'm glad that there are lessons that I have learned... And that I will not waste this. Maybe... Maybe I'll get to hang onto this properly this time. I hope. I hope I've learned.
I just can't believe how happy I am. How... Well, how, it isn't never ending. It isn't that I want / need the world... I mean... I have a tiny f*ck*ng room, really. No balcony. I don't have a separate bedroom. I can't turn around in the shower space without hitting myself on something... But I am so f*ck*ng happy. It is... Perfect. Really.
In some sense... It isn't much. It is next to nothing. But in another sense... I think of people living 14 people in a 2 bedroom house in Manakau City... Of people living in f*ck*ng cardboard boxes and... Well... I really do have / need the world...
I...
Remember this Wittgenstein quote:
student: 'for all the ills of modern day society, i'd much rather live as we do than as the caveman did'
wittgenstein: 'yes, of course you would. but would the caveman?'
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2013, at 8:19:42
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 18:17:45
My best friend is my body pillow, that I swathe my head and a lot of my body in. It calms me right down. Can't DO anything while I'm there, but I get my breathing slowed down, close my eyes and cover them if necessary. Nose is problematic.
But it gets me out of a really bad place.Sorry, I wasn't thinking of where you would have to put frozen food.
It does sound like a perfect location. Glad you got in. You will find your groove.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2013, at 2:38:02
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2013, at 8:19:42
hmm... so with a view is 13 square meters. other building is 16 square meters - or the deluxe is 19 square meters. so now it just depends on the aspect.
i found a website that gives the floorplans. i think the dude next to me possibly has the better view...
but damn... i loves mine. i look at it and think:
humans did that. DAMN. how... amazing. given all the incompetencies and stupidities and mismanagements etc etc etc... humans did THAT. wow. that is pretty f*ck*ng good. yay us.
i think... after a while you just stop giving a sh*t about the fact that neighbours may be watching you. it is nice to have the curtains open and you get sick of closing them for this and that. what the f*ck ever. haha. i love the city.
i went out to where i was before to see my t...
for the last time. i'm not going out there again. i will thank them hugely for helping me so. for helping me the best possible way they could: to get me the hell out of there...
there isn't anything out there for me.
i'm offically visiting here... which means i can take books from the library and enjoy them in the sun... but also means i'm down to give a short talk next week (eep!) and am under some social obligation to go to talks etc (which is a mixed blessing). instant community. yay. actually... it is a good thing.
i'm good.
i will wander up the hill to the new community mental health... only i need some pretext, some excuse, something that i want. i'm not sure what as yet. needs to be something... but before things get bad. this doesn't entirely make sense...
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 14, 2013, at 7:37:56
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2013, at 2:38:02
Reasons to check out the mental health centre:
You want to see what facilities they have (innocent look on face) as you explore your surroundings
Want to see who is on staff to see if you recognize any names
What services to they offer (innocent look again)If those aren't appropriate, then walk in as if you were looking for an entirely different building, then get confused when you discover it's not.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 15, 2013, at 1:27:32
In reply to Exploring, posted by Partlycloudy on November 14, 2013, at 7:37:56
I mean I need a reason for them to intake assess me. A request for this or that kind of treatment (to see a p-doc or psychologist or whatever). I guess I can put the feelers out about psychology. Only... Well... The Autistic Spectrum Dx isn't likely to get me seen... Don't know.
I guess what I most need to worry about at this point is finding my focus. Working productively.
I feel under pressure to produce. I hope I can rise to the occasion. I can't blow this. I feel anxiety about next year, too. They seem to be characterizing me as some kind of Autistic Genius. I... Don't agree with that characterization... But I do feel that there is an expectation for me to do really very well indeed. I do feel afraid that I will find that I am unable to do the work to as high a standard as is expected of me.
I also worry that the city will corrupt me somehow. That I'll end up not properly focused on my work - the way I gripe about other people. Part of me wants to find a more workable balanced life. And another part of me thinks I'm incapable of that so really I need to focus on what is most important. I don't know.
I don't think I will be able to get the kind of psychological support that I want / need. In terms of someone willing to shut the f*ck up much of the time and just listen... And only draw attention to patterns gently AFTER having taken the time to observe them and figure what sorts of probes / prompts might actually be helpful for me. I really don't think I'll find that here. It really is fairly amazing to me how most helpers really are incapable of chilling a little and stopping with the frantically trying to change things all the time...
I'm down to give a talk to the department next week. Just a 20 minute one on whatever I like. I'll use it mostly to overview my thesis and introduce an issue I'm grappling with in what I'm doing at the moment. Seemed like I should do this since they are considering me to be a visitor and are letting me borrow books from the library. I do need to focus, though. Demands... Friends booked me a 4 day trip to Wellington to visit them... Conference is 5 days... I can't really afford all the time out.
Apparently normal people structure their work / play habits around social interactions. The social interactions / play time is meant to be a sufficient carrot to get one working. I'm not sure whether this can be made to work for me...
You can only do the best you can do in the time you have available to you. Just do the work is all. As best you can. The rest will take care of itself.
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm getting my life back on track.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2013, at 19:50:35
In reply to Re: Finding my focus, posted by alexandra_k on November 15, 2013, at 1:27:32
they only keep health records for 10 years.
i was in australia for 6.
then i wellington for 1.
then here for around half a year...
i remember i didn't get much in the last 6 months or so before i left for australia...
my file notes arrived.
there is next to nothing. no inpatient notes. there is next to nothing.
didn't go back as far as the 'accident'. or any of the aftermath.
most of it was little bits of here and there. psych assessments saying they couldn't offer me anything helpful.
so there it is...
absolved.
i feel... strangely... like a weight has been lifted. nobody much cares about my past (in a harmful way).
This is the end of the thread.
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