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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
My T has been encouraging me to ask for what I need. I have a hard time doing that...problems with self worth. I tell her I'm afraid of the rejection. I don't know how to cope with the feelings. I used to be a cutter and I struggle with disordered eating, but have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. I also struggle with suicidal ideation...my therapist knows, we've made a contract...though I told her I'm doing it for her because in the end a contract won't keep me from committing suicide.
Anyway, not far into therapy she gave me her personal number and told me things will probably come up and i'll need to talk and that i can call her when ever i need to. It was always very hard for me to make the decision to call so I might have called her a handful of times in the course of two years...but I never could spit out how i felt over the phone so I just ended up talking casually and saying hi. She eventually stopped answering my calls and then stopped calling me back altogether. I didn't mind because I knew it wasn't her job to socialize...she was there for me if I needed to talk...and I wouldn't talk about issues.
But then I went through something and I really needed her and I called her and told her that. That I really needed to talk to her. That I'd actually talk but I really needed her. She never answered never called back. I called her again a couple days later cuz it was not going away and it was getting worse. I really really needed to talk I said and she still never called back. I came in that next session and told her I was hurt and angry and that I needed her and didn't understand why she didn't answer. She didn't talk about it just kept asking me questions. So I left it alone because I didn't feel like it was getting anywhere. It kept eating at me though so I brought it up again and said why have you been so distant why have things changed? She said because people change. We've changed. Do you think you've changed? Of course I do. Of course people change. I'm asking why. No answer.
Today...I was having a really hard time. I txted her and told her I was too scared to call because of her probably not calling back, but that I really needed to talk to her. I texted her how I felt. Then said I felt better but that I am telling myself that so I don't get too hurt when she doesn't call me.
Basically, I don't understand what has changed. Why she can't call me back and talk to me when I need her. Really need her. Not want to socialize but want to live and not die or harm myself, and am afraid one of these days I may break.
Still no phonecall...
Any insight would be appreciated :)
Posted by Verloren on December 23, 2009, at 12:09:12
In reply to I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
Helana,
I am so sorry you're struggling with this. It seems so frustrating when our Ts have so much power over us and they don't seem to grasp that it can literally destroy us to feel like we're shunned in any way by them.
I wish she didn't make you feel that way. I do wonder if you're mentioning self harm in your messages to her and she still does not respond. I do know that when a person is experiencing a crisis that may involve SI, the T has a legal obligation to respond and get help. So maybe she's not aware of the seriousness because of the previous social-seeming calls. But if you've expressly told her you are in SI crisis situations and she downplays it, you might ask her what does she intend to do to help keep up her end of the contract.
Please keep me updated!
-Verloren
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 23, 2009, at 12:20:19
In reply to I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
I am so sorry; it must feel like abandonment. She has a professional/ethical duty to YOU and to call you when you tell her you need her.
you deserve an answer to your question. Perhaps you could hand her the letter (you just wrote to us)........that last sentence should.....wake her up.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 12:29:33
In reply to Re: I don't understand (may be triggering) » Helana, posted by sassyfrancesca on December 23, 2009, at 12:20:19
> I am so sorry; it must feel like abandonment. She has a professional/ethical duty to YOU and to call you when you tell her you need her.
>
> you deserve an answer to your question. Perhaps you could hand her the letter (you just wrote to us)........that last sentence should.....wake her up.
>
> Hugs, SassyThank you Sassy. I do feel abandoned. I also feel I deserve an answer. I am tired of asking though. I have asked almost every session since that last session why she won't answer my question and she says I'm resisting. That I won't accept that we've changed and deal with what's really happening. I don't know what is really happening to her, but I know what is really happeing to me is that I feel neglected and I need her to give me her reason for her actions. So I clam up cuz I don't know how to handle anger, especially towards her and wait to ask again next session. ugh :(
Posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 12:37:47
In reply to Re: I don't understand (may be triggering) » Helana, posted by Verloren on December 23, 2009, at 12:09:12
> Helana,
>
> I am so sorry you're struggling with this. It seems so frustrating when our Ts have so much power over us and they don't seem to grasp that it can literally destroy us to feel like we're shunned in any way by them.
>
> I wish she didn't make you feel that way. I do wonder if you're mentioning self harm in your messages to her and she still does not respond. I do know that when a person is experiencing a crisis that may involve SI, the T has a legal obligation to respond and get help. So maybe she's not aware of the seriousness because of the previous social-seeming calls. But if you've expressly told her you are in SI crisis situations and she downplays it, you might ask her what does she intend to do to help keep up her end of the contract.
>
> Please keep me updated!
> -VerlorenThank you so much Verloren! I have made it very clear the seriousness. I have said all of this to her. I have texted her and told her I just cut. I have texted and said I am sitting with a razor wanting to end it all. I have imo chronic SI...if that is such a thing. I have struggled since I was four. So I thought that maybe since i'm still alive she doesn't think it's serious and doesn't think I'll ever do it...but that's why I've explained to her that I don't trust myself. That I feel one of these days I might break and be impulsive enough to just do it. That I scare the crap out of myself. I always seem to talk myself out of committing suicide, I must have a strong will to live...but what if one day i'm not...
The fact is that I hardly ever call her. This is the second time in the past year. It's not like I over burden her with phone calls imo...unless dealing with me period is a burden...which is what it feels like. I know it's not true, but it sure feels that way.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 23, 2009, at 12:55:35
In reply to Re: I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 12:29:33
It seems as if SHE is the one who is resisting (that is called...projection)......It has nothing to do with people changing....it has to do with...if you ask a question, you deserve an answer; sounds like mind games to me.
Posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 13:25:38
In reply to Re: I don't understand (may be triggering) » Helana, posted by sassyfrancesca on December 23, 2009, at 12:55:35
Funny sassy! I told her the EXACT same thing...and I told her it feels like mind games. Then I wonder is it coming across like mind games through my writing because it feels like mind games to me? What are mind games exactly? And as usually what she won't give me...what's her side of the story!!?? (or in otherwords answer to my question)
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 23, 2009, at 13:35:29
In reply to Re: I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 13:25:38
Unfortunately, no one can tell you what is going on but....HER. If she won't answer you and be authentic and honest, then what is the point??!!
Hugs, Sassy
The LAST person who should be using PSYCHOBABBLE is a t.
Posted by blahblahblah on December 23, 2009, at 23:09:09
In reply to I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
uh..are you from Australia?? I feel like we could have the same T. I have gone through the exact same prob and I don't contact her anymore cause I'm scared of not hearing from her. and while i have told her about this, i feel if she does contact me back it is only because she feels she has to, not wants to. Your T seems to be struggling with her position, how is she in other ways? my t has gone through lots of stress and she said that is why she has changed and isn't consistent anymore. i responded with...that's not my problem. I would love to hear more bout your sito Helena, it is hauntingly familiar.
Posted by Dinah on December 24, 2009, at 9:12:31
In reply to I don't understand (may be triggering), posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but I could never accept so vague a non-answer. I would worry away at it like a dog with a bone.
"What do you mean, people change? Of course they change. What does that have to do with this situation. Are you saying you've changed? Because this is your decision. Are you saying you think what's best for me has changed? If you make a unilateral decision about what's best for me, oughtn't you at least fully explain it? I respect that you no longer wish to accept my calls. But I do wonder why, and why this change was never communicated except through actions. Do you regret having given me your private number? Did I misuse the privilege? What alternate solutions have you made for your clients if they are in crisis?"
etc etc etc until my poor therapist would rue the day he ever said such a thing.
I wouldn't be angry and confrontational, but I'd likely be curious and persistent in trying to understand.
But then I do tend to dissect things until I thoroughly understand them. I don't think it's a bad trait, though my therapist may disagree.
To my mind, therapy is supposed to be someplace we learn to discuss things with words rather than act them out in behavior. And to learn to understand our motivations and our interactions with others. It is purely my own opinion, but I think therapists should provide an example in the former and lead the way in the latter.
This is the end of the thread.
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