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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on July 13, 2009, at 13:59:31
i have a female therapist. i am male. i have all kinds of issues with my mom and based on my behavior over the years, it seems like i have issues with women in general.
i have a good relationship with my therapist. however, she is not very directive and sometimes soft spoken. i often realize that i think she is talking nonsense or psychobabble and then sometimes several days later, possibly other times not at all, i realize she is just talking softly and im so high strung its not registering. or she is saying something in an indirect way so as not to come at me head on and set me off and i start to think she is not making sense...only to realize she is making a lot of sense. i wonder how much i have missed because of this, in terms of her attempts to communicate with me.
i often get very upset with her. i have told her she is incompetent, that she is wasting my time and money...all kinds of things.
i am starting to wonder, if my mom/woman issues are getting in the way of my therapy. maybe this is exactly what i need. maybe if someone comes at me head on, it would be even worse. it certainly feels like that is what i need. i raise these issues with her. we talk about them.
im meeting with a man therapist wed for a consult. ive been really angry at my current therapist for what seems like several months now. she wants to work on it. i keep feeling like this anger is preventing us from making progress.
and its dawning on me. a lot of this anger has to do with her being a woman. she lets me get away with things it seems. some of the stuff i have said about how bad a therapist she is, she just takes it.
im just not sure i respect the opinion of a woman (i know this is sad, im not trying to be a tough guy here). and i have been wondering for a long time now if this is holding me back or if its what i need to be facing.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 13, 2009, at 15:21:30
In reply to male or female therapist..., posted by deerock on July 13, 2009, at 13:59:31
It only makes sense that if you don't respect women, that a woman therapist couldn't be of much value to you. If the woman therapist is aware of this (is she?), she should be exploring that with you, and suggest seeing a male therapist, to see if that would make a difference in your behavior and attitude.
It is sad that because of your mother you have painted all women with that broad stroke (paint brush), but I am sure you know intellectually....it has nothing to do with women, but your mother. That is something you should be working on, since you don't want to live with the prejudice all of your life, right?
Posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 15:29:16
In reply to male or female therapist..., posted by deerock on July 13, 2009, at 13:59:31
Back then I saw a woman therapist who was more or less the age of my mother, and in the course of things I became very angry with her. Where does so much anger comes from?
I can also remember an earlier male shrink saying to me
'So you felt like a crumb?'
and though he meant well, I remember recoiling. I knew he sent his son to my (ha!) school which may have had something to do with why I told him I'd like to line the entire school up and shoot the lot of them, though I imagine this is not the sort of thing you say in America.As well there was something about male to male complicity (in what? some kinda racket?) that made me much prefer a woman therapist.
This is going to sound like it's out of 70s feminism, but I tend to feel this feeling of complicity with men.
(Maybe I tend to be anxious about the way men relate to each other? Maybe I was worried about there being any prior presumption that he would understand how I was feeling and that therefore we would be part of something together?)Currently I see a male psych every second week, but he's OK because his opinion of the world (and in particular psychiatry...it's quite fun to hear a shrink say that his colleagues are psychopaths) is more sceptical (if not more jaundiced) than my own.
After a while with a good T, one should lose awareness of the sex of the therapist. It's going to depend on you and the T you find. From what you said I'm unsure as to whether you should move on or try to work it out, as indeed I was unsure in my own case. I wouldn't bother doing therapy now, but then I had 15 years of it, 5 days a week, and (though I make no claims for the effectiveness of therapy) I was largely unsocialised (in any decent way) and it did change me.
Posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 15:47:30
In reply to Re: male or female therapist..., posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 15:29:16
Just to crap on here, I have always been struck by the agony that so many people carry around with them. I remember someone from university who felt so bad that he would drive people from the houses he visited. It's kind of eternal
'People change and smile but the agony abides',
and I look at people and wonder about how these internal realities are so fixed so often and what can be done to enable people to learn to find freedom, rather than feeling how they want.
Posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 16:57:58
In reply to male or female therapist..., posted by deerock on July 13, 2009, at 13:59:31
>she lets me get away with things it seems. some of the stuff i have said about how bad a therapist she is, she just takes it.
But you wouldn't expect her to defend herself or argue the point about that, would you?
She may let you get away with it, but perhaps you aren't able to?
Posted by henrietta on July 13, 2009, at 20:35:14
In reply to Re: male or female therapist..., posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 16:57:58
Sigismund: I think you're rather brilliant! I won't go so far as to say I love you---yet.
Sorry deerock for the hijack.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 14, 2009, at 7:42:39
In reply to Re: male or female therapist..., posted by Sigismund on July 13, 2009, at 15:29:16
Sounds like a classic example of the Freudian transference (when your t reminds you of someone else or someone from your past)....
She is obviously aware of your antagonism, anger; has she discussed it with you?
Posted by fleeting flutterby on July 15, 2009, at 10:21:53
In reply to male or female therapist..., posted by deerock on July 13, 2009, at 13:59:31
> i have a female therapist. i am male. i have all kinds of issues with my mom and based on my behavior over the years, it seems like i have issues with women in general.<<
---flutterby: heh, this is me-- just flipped 180 degrees. I have issues with men in general.
>
> i have a good relationship with my therapist. however, she is not very directive and sometimes soft spoken. i often realize that i think she is talking nonsense or psychobabble and then sometimes several days later, possibly other times not at all, i realize she is just talking softly and im so high strung its not registering. or she is saying something in an indirect way so as not to come at me head on and set me off and i start to think she is not making sense...only to realize she is making a lot of sense. i wonder how much i have missed because of this, in terms of her attempts to communicate with me.<<---flutterby: Yes, the T. I used to see, a male, was in your face, stern and his voice would bellow.... I found myself dissociating and resenting him, as I felt him, like the men throughout my life, are arrogant, controlling and belittling.
>
> i often get very upset with her. i have told her she is incompetent, that she is wasting my time and money...all kinds of things.<<----flutterby: I could never confront my former T. as I put myself back in that frame of mind of being "less than", I was so uncomfortable. Looking back it's amazing how the old tapes came right up front, when I'd be around him. Maybe those are your old tapes coming up to you?
>
> i am starting to wonder, if my mom/woman issues are getting in the way of my therapy. maybe this is exactly what i need. maybe if someone comes at me head on, it would be even worse. it certainly feels like that is what i need. i raise these issues with her. we talk about them.<<----flutterby: maybe it is what you need--- at least it's NOT umcomfortable. sounds like she is so nice to not get offended by your insults.(maybe too nice?)
>
> im meeting with a man therapist wed for a consult. ive been really angry at my current therapist for what seems like several months now. she wants to work on it. i keep feeling like this anger is preventing us from making progress.<<---flutterby: that could be. I found that seeing a female now is helping me. as we talk about men and she is.... I think, trying to get me to see them in a healthier light--- which I don't believe a male therapist could have done, as I was too triggered by past/childhood history and would find myself back in the "scared, lost child" mode. :o(
(though, it's odd because my mother was the main abuser.... *shrugs*... think I'm complicated)
>
> and its dawning on me. a lot of this anger has to do with her being a woman. she lets me get away with things it seems. some of the stuff i have said about how bad a therapist she is, she just takes it.<<----flutterby: yea, sadly it seems society teaches women to be more a dooormat than men ever will be. Men are taught they are right, and to fight.....
>
> im just not sure i respect the opinion of a woman (i know this is sad, im not trying to be a tough guy here). and i have been wondering for a long time now if this is holding me back or if its what i need to be facing<<---flutterby: It is a quandry. I think the best way to find out could be to switch T.s and start seeing a male and then I bet within a few months time you'll be able to tell if going back to a woman T. would be beneficial or not.
--- on a side note-- The T. I see (she's female) I KNOW she would never just take those things that you said to your T. NO way! I think she would have confronted you and said something like-- "well if you're so smart, how come you're sitting on that couch and I'm sitting at this desk?" She can be powerful, not letting her integrity suffer and yet be supportive.
anyway-- good luck and let us know how things go.
flutterby-mandy
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