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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 12:37:09
Strange as you know can't find a therapist made the total eight hour drive to pdoc who is still in hospital after car accident and saw the Nurse Practioneer. It was so nice to talk with someone who was on the same thinking as me. I realized how much I need to just talk. I told her about all my ridiculous fears like the telephone, going upstairs, being alone, list goes on and on. I said I know they are ridiculous and make no sense but the PHD's I saw kept asking me why I had those fears. I said to NP wasn't it her job to help me figure out why she said yes. She validated what I've thought. Now driving home with husband I had a wake up moment as my Mother blamed me for her illness said I was the one who made her sick with psoriasis as a baby and my fault she got sicker till died when I was l7. Then it hit me that when my thyroid went and my problems started I'd been married to current husband one week and have figured he made me sick with all the stress he caused me. So doesn't that make me just like my Mother blaming someone else? Just have no one else to ask. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 1, 2009, at 12:50:56
In reply to Am I My Mother????, posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 12:37:09
> Strange as you know can't find a therapist made the total eight hour drive to pdoc who is still in hospital after car accident and saw the Nurse Practioneer. It was so nice to talk with someone who was on the same thinking as me. I realized how much I need to just talk. I told her about all my ridiculous fears
(Fears aren't "ridiciulous" sweetie); there is a reason for them.
like the telephone, going upstairs, being alone, list goes on and on. I said I know they are ridiculous and make no sense but the PHD's I saw kept asking me why I had those fears. I said to NP wasn't it her job to help me figure out why she said yes. She validated what I've thought. Now driving home with husband I had a wake up moment as my Mother blamed me for her illness said I was the one who made her sick with psoriasis as a baby and my fault she got sicker till died when I was l7.Her death was not your fault. That was a very cruel thing for her to say to you.
Then it hit me that when my thyroid went and my problems started I'd been married to current husband one week and have figured he made me sick with all the stress he caused me. So doesn't that make me just like my Mother blaming someone else?
No.....if what he did caused you stress, then he IS the reason for the problems you mentioned.
you aren't your mother; you are being you.
I never heard of anyone dying of psoriasis?! How horrible to blame a child for ones own illness.
Hugs, Sassy
Just have no one else to ask. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 13:20:17
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother????, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 1, 2009, at 12:50:56
Sassy psoriasis led to cortisone when new and that led to addison's disease which led to osteroporosis and rheumatoid arthritis broken back. Addrenal crisis hospital bed rest broken back and then a blood clot to lung from smoking and bedrest at that time. The stress he caused me was his drinking at the time. Not dry but well you know the rest. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2009, at 15:19:21
In reply to Am I My Mother????, posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 12:37:09
> as my Mother blamed me for her illness said I was the one who made her sick with psoriasis as a baby
Phillipa, I'm sorry your mother laid that on you. No one can give another person psoriasis or cause it in another, especially a baby.
gg
Posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 20:26:45
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother???? » Phillipa, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2009, at 15:19:21
Thanks gg for the support. Logically I know but emotionally is the problem. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2009, at 9:27:47
In reply to Am I My Mother????, posted by Phillipa on May 1, 2009, at 12:37:09
No. You are not your mother. You were her child, and there is nothing you could have done to make her ill. My mother became diabetic during her pregnancy with me, but that was just a fact that came out in discussions. She never thought I was the cause of it, and I certainly don't see myself as the cause of it.
But it never hurts to think about our assumptions and beliefs. Do you think it was likely that your husband caused your thyroid problem? Does your doctor? (Something probably best asked if he isn't around.) Do you mention your beliefs to him? If you do, do you think it is a helpful thing in your marriage.
You aren't your mother. But in your formative years you heard over and over that illnesses were the responsibility of someone. It would be natural enough for your brain to go down that path, because that's the path your mother prepared for you. It takes work to figure out where those ruts in our brain paths may be, and to forge new paths for ourselves.
I'm not saying this is true in your case. But it certainly can't hurt to assess and challenge your beliefs from time to time. Or to review your behavioral choices and see if they are ultimately in your best interests. Of course that also requires a thorough review of your goals, and what is in your best interests.
Posted by Phillipa on May 2, 2009, at 19:24:55
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother????, posted by Dinah on May 2, 2009, at 9:27:47
Dinah the year I lived with him first was very stressful as didn't plan on marrying just living together. When went to Hawaii to see my Son who was living with a Viet Nam Vet and his wife he proposed and didn't want to hurt his feelings so put it off as long as could and married. See I had decided that at end of trip wanted to continue with my original plan which was to move to Florida where oldest is. I married always not to hurt the others feelings. Now how sick Is that? Love Phillipa
Posted by Zana on May 3, 2009, at 11:23:37
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother???? » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 2, 2009, at 19:24:55
Are there good things in the relationship for you? I hope so.
Zana
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2009, at 14:05:59
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother???? » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 2, 2009, at 19:24:55
Have you ever heard of sunk cost theory? I've taught it to my son since he was little. I didn't learn it until college, and it's just too important to leave for that long.
What it says is that you should put aside thoughts of the past when considering what to do in the future. For example, someone might start a business and put lots of money in it, and borrow more money, and add more money, and feel like they *need* to continue in this business because they have so much invested in it. Sunk cost theory says that no matter whether you put $1 or $100,000 in the business, that money is gone, and should not influence your decision about what's best to do from this point on.
It also is useful in life. Your start with your husband is certainly not one I'd advise someone to take. But that's in the past, and it's done. *At this point* is your marriage something you want or need to maintain? If so, what is the best way to get the best relationship you can possibly have with your husband *from this point on*.
If you feel the best course for you is to stay in your marriage, my guess would be that the best way to improve your future would be to let go of the pain and hurt and blame of the past. To treat your husband as if you had the relationship you wish you did have with him, and hope that he will respond in kind.
Or if it's not in your best interests to stay in your marriage, then that needs to be your guiding focus. Not what happened in the past, but what will happen in the future.
Did the stress of being with your husband solely bring on your thyroid troubles? Most of these things have many causes. My stressful work situation didn't cause me to have diabetes, but it did probably give a significant contribution to the activation of whatever genetic timebomb was ticking. But whatever the truth is, it won't help your marriage or your thyroid to dwell on the thought. Figuring out what caused it is mostly helpful in preventing it from happening again. It's sunk cost.
I'm not saying the past isn't important. It really is. It shapes who we are and how we act. One goal of therapy is to govern ourselves without being ruled by our past and our automatic reactions.
Just my humble opinion.
Posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 20:39:30
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother???? » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2009, at 14:05:59
Dinah no I never heard of that. I guess letting go of the past is in best interests. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 22:25:52
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother???? » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 20:39:30
Rethinking as just got screamed at and things pounded as I forgot to turn off the hose. But in NC you can do nothing not even remove yourself from joint checking accounts or that condo I want out of as think it should have been let go of a long time ago and he won't. He borrowed money from his Father to give him rights to condo so he owes him money I was never consulted. I am now not allowed to turn on the hose, feed the cat and numerous other things. Guess will look up if can some NC laws. Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 23:58:09
In reply to Re: Am I My Mother????, posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 22:25:52
Well looked them up the laws and studid me have no rights at all. Even all the money I had when got married he gets even though he made poor investments. And now can't clean shower floor. It's wet on the floor of shower so that's a no no too. I think I quit. Phillipa
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 19:13:53
In reply to Re: Stupid Me!!!!, posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 23:58:09
Phillipa, are you okay? Sounds like you are having a really rough time. I'm so sorry. Are you saying that your husband would get ALL your money if you divorced--would it not be split? Gosh, it's tough to be in a relationship that hurts. You know, it's a human tendency to try to find patterns in things, but I think that, from what your describing, it would be very hard not to blame your spouse for the stress you have. It sounds like you are not in a validating environment.
Are things any better than since you last posted? Are you doing okay? You deserve happiness.
> Well looked them up the laws and studid me have no rights at all. Even all the money I had when got married he gets even though he made poor investments. And now can't clean shower floor. It's wet on the floor of shower so that's a no no too. I think I quit. Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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