![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
I was talking to her about my week, and I said that it was really hard to talk to her because she looked like she was so frustrated. She just looked at me, so I said "I don't know what else to say, I give up. If it's going to be like this every week, I don't even want to come back." I was obviously just upset, and she got up and said "well I can't force you to stay here, I'll give you 3 referrals." and I just started crying as her back was to me and said "I don't need referrals." She said "okay, fine" without even looking at me, and I left. I called her and asked her if we could at least say goodbye right, and she didn't respond at all. I feel horrible. I just want to go back in time or something. I don't know what happened, but I'm not okay.
That's all.
- Kenya
Posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 4:25:17
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
Whatever it is, it's not happened because you didn't know how to open a session.
Maybe it's all for the best?
Posted by SLS on April 10, 2009, at 5:54:43
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
I agree with Sigismund. I think it is all for the best. A psychotherapist should have a tolerance for personal attacks by patients. It is sometimes part of the process. Your T could have said something like, "Well, either we can look more closely at your dissatisfaction with me, or I can help find a different therapist for you."
Don't look back. There are lots of psychotherapists out there.
In the meantime, remember that better days are coming as you are now moving forward. You can get some great support and education here that might help act as a bridge as you change from one therapist to another.
Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 10, 2009, at 7:43:59
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by SLS on April 10, 2009, at 5:54:43
That was very unethical and cruel. She obviously isn't well-trained to behave like that.
Perhaps you might consider sending her a letter about how you feel.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2009, at 7:45:03
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
I got a bad vibe from what you said about her in the other post. It didn't sound as if she was at all trying to create a supportive therapy environment.
This gives you a chance to find a therapist who is a better match for you.
Still, it s*cks to have someone act that way. It reinforces that you're lucky to be away from her, but I'm sure it feels awful anyway. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
She's not at all typical of therapists and how they react. It is unlikely that your next experience would be anything like this one. No therapist is perfect, but they differ a lot in *how* they are imperfect.
Perhaps this might be helpful to you? It's my favorite post on finding a therapist. Most importantly, don't be afraid to shop around. Your initial therapy sessions are like a date. You aren't committing to therapeutically marrying them. You're just testing the waters.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031213/msgs/290414.html
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 10, 2009, at 9:14:02
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
> I was talking to her about my week, and I said that it was really hard to talk to her because she looked like she was so frustrated. She just looked at me, so I said "I don't know what else to say, I give up. If it's going to be like this every week, I don't even want to come back." I was obviously just upset, and she got up and said "well I can't force you to stay here, I'll give you 3 referrals." and I just started crying as her back was to me and said "I don't need referrals." She said "okay, fine" without even looking at me, and I left. I called her and asked her if we could at least say goodbye right, and she didn't respond at all. I feel horrible. I just want to go back in time or something. I don't know what happened, but I'm not okay.
>
> That's all.
>
> - Kenya---flutterby: Oh dear :o(
I'm so sorry this happened to you. The psychologist I used to see said similar to me..... I was sitting there in 10 minutes of silence then I said-- "I don't think I want to be here today"... and then he said "the door is NOT locked, no ones stopping you from leaving".... so, I got up and opened the door and left... that was my 10 minute session....(the "grumblers" told me that he was wishing I'd leave- telling me the door is not locked-- was one of those "between the lines" messages, to me).... it hurt ..... felt as if I'd had a dagger put through my soul....
I guess i wanted someone, just once in my life, to ask me to stay.... never ever had that.... and that day it wasn't to be either. *shrugs*...
sorry I'm not so good about advice on this subject.... still muddling through this myself... I think what others have said is food for thought. so many wise people here.
thinking of you,
flutterby-mandy
Posted by DarkStarEtc on April 10, 2009, at 9:53:20
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
Hello, Kenya-
That is really horrible- what a dreadful woman!!
The one positive thing is that you didn't waste much time with this 'therapist'... she sounds like she wouldn't have done you much good at all.Still- it is not nice to be treated in such an unfeeling way, especially by someone who is supposed to be a professional in a caring role. Is there anyway you can do something nice for yourself today, to kind of dilute her meanness?? (and tell yourself you've had a lucky escape!)
DarkStar Etc.
Posted by raisinb on April 10, 2009, at 10:33:18
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
Kenya,
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.Believe, though, that there are many wonderful therapists out there, and that there is one out there for you. There have been many success stories on Babble of people who left bad therapy relationships and ultimately found helpful, transforming ones. I'm confident you can do the same.
In the meantime, take care of yourself and seek out all the support you can.
Posted by Phillipa on April 10, 2009, at 12:46:22
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothi » Kenya, posted by raisinb on April 10, 2009, at 10:33:18
Kenya same thing happened similarly to me with a therapist I didn't go back and haven't gotten the courage to look yet again. I'm sorry I do know the feeling. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothi, posted by Phillipa on April 10, 2009, at 12:46:22
You all are so nice and supportive. It's been a really hard process for me to go through therapy at all. I'm really scared about looking for someone new. As much as she ended this really badly, she has helped me get through a lot of issues and I'm not sure I can do all of that again with someone else. I'm really really sad about this. Mostly I just want to meet with her one last time to leave on a better note. Should I call her again now that I've calmed down and ask her if we can have a final session? Or is it too late?
Thank you so so much for your feedback. It's really helping me get through this rough day.
- Kenya
Posted by SLS on April 10, 2009, at 13:54:54
In reply to Thank You. I'm really sad about this., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
> Should I call her again now that I've calmed down and ask her if we can have a final session? Or is it too late?
Only the therapist will know the answer to your question. However, to ask it will take a lot of courage, and, with it, the recognition that you might be very disappointed by the answer.
There are very few scripts in life that we must follow. Just because most people are of the opinion that you should move on immediately to someone new, this may not be the best path for you to take. Perhaps it would be best for YOU to return to your old therapist and see if you might want to start working together again, despite a majority opinion that you should not.
You were very descriptive in your post as to the things that you are afraid of. As easy as this is to say, it might be best to push past your fears and find a new therapist. I think you know whether or not this old therapist has really provided you with what you need. I suspect that your intuition will let you feel what is right for you.
Finding another therapist might not be as overwhelming a process as it might at first seem. I think the post that Dinah provided a link to might give you an idea as to where to begin. I know it seems like a chore to start all over again with a new therapist. However, it probably wouldn't take more than a few sessions for you and the therapist to become functionally synchronized. I guess a lot of that will have to do with your willingness to disclose your major issues.
My suggestion is for you to write a summary of what your needs and expectations are. Include as much as you can about your history and present issues, understanding that there will be more to discover as the two of you work together. I have had to use four different psychotherapists in three years. This happens very often at mental health clinics. Relax. It is really not such a big deal. Besides, if you don't click with the very next person that you see, you then simply shop around for someone else.
Hang in there. This difficult period will pass, and you might impress yourself with how much you can accomplish on your own in order to make things happen. If you don't impress yourself, I can express that I am already impressed with you for your honesty and candor. You are a fighter, and one who is willing to do what is necessary to grow and work towards being happy. If these things weren't true, you wouldn't be here posting, would you?
- Scott
Posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 16:20:00
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
>I said that it was really hard to talk to her because she looked like she was so frustrated. She just looked at me, so I said "I don't know what else to say, I give up. If it's going to be like this every week, I don't even want to come back." I was obviously just upset, and she got up and said "well I can't force you to stay here, I'll give you 3 referrals."
I went to a T who had me in tears (but in a good way) by this point. I'm trying (and failing) to think of what she might have said.
But geez, even some damn Rogerian reflection would be better than that.
Anyone here could do better too.
Posted by Kath on April 10, 2009, at 16:45:37
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
Hi Kenya,
I'm really sorry about your pain. I am really glad that the Universe, or God, or Whatever/Whoever is taking care of you by getting you the heck out of that therapist's clutches.
Your T sounds at best, rude & unprofessional, at worst downright dangerous (that could push some people to do harm to themself).
Kenya, I say don't subject yourself to her again. I suggest that you make a list of how you would like her to have been - or the kind of goodbye you would have liked, then get someone you really TRUST & do a 'playacting' of the final appointment. I an totally serious here.
Once when I was seeing a therapist years ago, I told her there were so many things I wished I'd said to my Mom, when she was dying of cancer. My therapist said if I wanted, she'd 'be' my Mom & I could say what I wished I'd said.
So she WAS. I even went & hugged her & said, "Mom I'm SO SO SAD you're dying" & stuff like that. I my T was so kind & so good.
I urge you to get someone safe to do the goodbye. I do not think your therapist is capable of positive, nurturing interaction with you. I have no earthly idea HOW she became a therapist & it is totally terrifying to me to think that there are those type of T's out there.
It's excellent that you didn't get a referral from HER!!!!!!!!!!!
I suggest doing a "meeting each other" session with any prospective therapist to see how you both 'click' with each other. The T could even outline how they work or what types of therapy they offer & what a session might look like!!!
We get estimates for such things as having a lane paved, or a roof repaired. Surely we deserve to check out the professional regarding our mental health.
I am SO angry with your T & sorry you had to go through this.
Love & support, Kath
(Sorry, but I get pretty opinionated when I see someone treated badly.)
Posted by seldomseen on April 10, 2009, at 18:35:48
In reply to Thank You. I'm really sad about this., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
I simply *can not* imagine a therapist ignoring a patient wanting to come in for a last session after termination. That just boggles my mind and goes against everything I know about the therapeutic process.
I hope you are feeling better and are safe. Keep us posted when you feel like it.
What a totally lousy development. I'm so sorry.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on April 10, 2009, at 21:29:49
In reply to Thank You. I'm really sad about this., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
Kenya,
Don't take this on as something you did wrong.
I rant and rail at my t who is a psychoanalyst. And he never has treated me in the manner your's did you. I have left, I have called and said I can't come anymore and he never accepted it.
I have tried to say I have no money, he treats me for free now, I have tried everything to walk away from this therapy relationship, yet my t won't let me.
I am only telling you this because that is the way therapy should be, the therapist should be ok in his/her own skin and be able to take whatever you dish out, I mean within reason. No threats or anything.
I guess maybe I got lucky.
But you do need a therapist and I don't think this is the right one.
You deserve better and I know it will be hard but I found my current one in the middle of a crisis. In fact, I called him crying, left a message that i am sure did not make sense, he called me right back and talked for about 30 minutes and saw me the next day for 2 hours.
Good ones are out there. Please do go looking.
I am so sorry this happened. Again, it is NOT your fault, it is hers.
rsk
Posted by Dinah on April 12, 2009, at 8:13:26
In reply to Thank You. I'm really sad about this., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
I would ordinarily say that of course a therapist would want to have a termination session. But I would also say of course a therapist wouldn't do what your therapist did. The general rules don't apply.
You've found her helpful over time? Can you tell us a little about her? How long have you been seeing her. Do you know if she's CBT or short term therapy? I'm wondering if there is something about her style of practicing therapy that could explain something that to me seems inexplicable. Some therapists just don't believe in long term therapy. It wouldn't excuse the suddenness or the manner in which she did it. She'd never spoken to you about termination before?
It's hard to lose someone that we care about, or who has been a helpful support. I can certainly understand wanting a session to process that. I hope she can too. Is she the sort of therapist who would be open to discussing the relationship?
Posted by Poet on April 12, 2009, at 11:51:59
In reply to Thank You. I'm really sad about this., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 13:18:59
Hi Kenya,
I don't know about asking for a final session, but you might want to ask for the referrals, which hopefully would be a choice of far more professional therapists to work. I have regularly frustrated my therapist for over six years, including answering how was your week with "okay" and saying nothing more. I used to say nothing and stare at my shoes, too. I think your T just didn't have enough patience to work with someone who has trouble opening up right away, hopefully you will find one that does.
One extra hard cyber slap to your T's head.
Poet
Posted by Sigismund on April 12, 2009, at 16:40:28
In reply to Re: Thank You. I'm really sad about this. » Kenya, posted by Poet on April 12, 2009, at 11:51:59
When I was 20 I went to this therapist who just sat there. I grew increasingly more desperate. Eventually I asked her what her job was like. I imagine her replying 'So you are interested in what my job is like?' Eventually I saw a good therapist.
Posted by Cecilia on April 12, 2009, at 19:28:47
In reply to Re: Thank You. I'm really sad about this. » Kenya, posted by rskontos on April 10, 2009, at 21:29:49
> Kenya,
>
> Don't take this on as something you did wrong.
>
> I rant and rail at my t who is a psychoanalyst. And he never has treated me in the manner your's did you. I have left, I have called and said I can't come anymore and he never accepted it.
>
> I have tried to say I have no money, he treats me for free now, I have tried everything to walk away from this therapy relationship, yet my t won't let me.
>
> I am only telling you this because that is the way therapy should be, the therapist should be ok in his/her own skin and be able to take whatever you dish out, I mean within reason. No threats or anything.
>
> I guess maybe I got lucky.
>
> But you do need a therapist and I don't think this is the right one.
>
> You deserve better and I know it will be hard but I found my current one in the middle of a crisis. In fact, I called him crying, left a message that i am sure did not make sense, he called me right back and talked for about 30 minutes and saw me the next day for 2 hours.
>
> Good ones are out there. Please do go looking.
>
> I am so sorry this happened. Again, it is NOT your fault, it is hers.
>
> rskRSK, your T won't LET you quit? That's the scariest thing I've ever heard. Whose life is it anyway? I had a T like Kenya's who gave up on me after 7 years. telling me she dreaded our sessions, and the pain was excruciating, but in retrospect that's better, in my opinion, than a T like yours who feels he has the right to totally control your life. Cecilia
Posted by FindingMyDesire on April 13, 2009, at 2:09:19
In reply to My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 10, 2009, at 1:29:59
Dear Kenya,
I don't think we have met. I come and go on this board but your post totally caught my attention tonight! I am so sorry this has happened. I'm glad to see so many people saying wonderful things to you here. I am shocked by this T's behavior and want to agree with others that this is not about you. Clearly she has some serious issues of her own. Again, I'm just sorry this happened and hope that you can find the courage to seek out someone new, if that is what you want.FMD
Posted by Kenya on April 15, 2009, at 16:47:34
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by FindingMyDesire on April 13, 2009, at 2:09:19
Hi Everyone,
Last week was a very VERY difficult week for me. I can honestly say that without your kind and considerate posts, I might not have made it through everything. I wish I had time to reply to each post, and I will try to later, but you all should know that I've read your responses many times over in order to stay strong and get through these horrible feelings about myself that my therapy seems to have created.
To answer some of your questions, when we first started, my T was very caring and empathetic. She would call to check up on me, and leave me really encouraging messages to get through some rough days. She sometimes would cry when I couldn't, always called me back on time, and never made me feel bad about myself. Obviously that has all changed at this point, but at ONE time, I think she was the kind of therapist that anyone would want to see.
UPDATE: She did eventually call me back (about 4 days after me calling her about wanting to talk to her) and left me a message asking me if I wanted to come in for a final session. I still have not called her. Now that I'm more stable, I realize that she has been more harmful than helpful. I have continuously found myself leaving therapy feeling guilty, and wondering if I've made her mad or upset, and during session I hold back because I don't want to offend her. I'm not too experienced with therapy, but I was a psych major in college and I know that therapists should not make their clients feel that way. I'm not sure yet if I will call her or not.
Thank you again for all of your wonderful replies.
It's still a little shaky, but I'm hanging in there.
- Kenya
Posted by Kath on April 15, 2009, at 19:19:07
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing., posted by Kenya on April 15, 2009, at 16:47:34
Hi Kenya,
Thanks for checking in.
It sounds like you have good instincts & I bet you'll follow them in a way that ensures your best interests.
Luv, Kath
Posted by Zana on April 16, 2009, at 13:01:32
In reply to Re: My T just dropped me today.. like it was nothing. » Kenya, posted by Kath on April 15, 2009, at 19:19:07
Hi. I am a new comer to the psych boards but I just read through your posts and wanted to add my 2 cents worth.
I am a psychologist and while don't know the whole story I would actually be concerned about some of the actions your T took that felt good, like calling and leaving encouraging messages. I can imagine a therapeutic relationship in which that made good sense but well, I think it points to some problems your therapist has with the dreaded "boundries." I am not a big stickler for boundries. My therapist reveals a lot about himself to me and when I think it is helpful, I reveal a lot about myself to my patients. But it sounds as if your therapist was a bit unsure of where she was in the relationship. There is no doubt that the way she ended the relationship says much more about her than it does about you. No behaviour or utterance should provoke a harmful response from the therapist. That's like rule number 1. Do no harm. And it's clear she harmed you.
I hope you do find another therapist and I think there have been some really helpful posts about that. And a lot of really great, genuine concern and caring.
Hope you're past the worst of it and on to something better with someone who has more to offer you.Zana
Posted by rskontos on April 19, 2009, at 16:46:20
In reply to Re: Thank You. I'm really sad about this. » rskontos, posted by Cecilia on April 12, 2009, at 19:28:47
>>RSK, your T won't LET you quit? That's the scariest thing I've ever heard. Whose life is it anyway? I had a T like Kenya's who gave up on me after 7 years. telling me she dreaded our sessions, and the pain was excruciating, but in retrospect that's better, in my opinion, than a T like yours who feels he has the right to totally control your life. Cecilia>>>
No Cecilia, it isn't like that. I am sorry I convened that. What I meant is he knows that despite my reluctance to trust him, due to childhood issues, I need therapy. I tend to keep waiting on the other shoe to drop and discover he is not who I think he is. Just someone wanting to hurt me like all the members of my family have. He knows how fragile I am despite my outward display of confidence and strength.
He is a good therapist. He will turn me loose when I am ready. I know this. He just did not want me to quit when I was just getting started because I was afraid. Being afraid and anxious is a state I know so well that I first resisted his efforts.
For right now, he is the only person that truly knows and understands what an effort life is everyday for me. IRL. I don 't share this with my family.
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.