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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
OK, I already reported that I admitted my transference to my pdoc.I told him tonight I didn't think he believed in transference and he said he uses what's best for the patient, and in my case, the transference is important and necessary. Still don't quite understand it, meaning that he acknowledges the transference, but I don't see that he actually works with it. Maybe I need to be patient.
But we couldn't really spend time talking about it because I've been experiencing a flashback that I've had in the past, but have never been able to access the "memory" around it, until last week. I only had a piece of it, and in seeing my T last week, we worked on trying to understand why this flashback had been triggered now (she thinks it has to do with me opening up so much w/my pdoc, but I don't see the connection) and had me focus on how my body felt, to see if remembering the physical aspects would bring the memory forth.
Well, it did full force, and while my T said she would be available, she wasn't, and I couldn't call my pdoc. So I suffered through it, trying to make sense of it. I worry about my T because she's not there for me really anymore, but she has given me a greater appreciation for my mother's position while I was young--it wasn't that she didn't love or care for me, it was that she was so busy with six kids (one who was very sick), and neglected us because she was so self-absorbed with what she was going through herself. That's not an excuse--for my mother or my T--but it's an understanding.
I was obsessed about this memory for more than 10 days before I could speak w/my pdoc about it. We talked through it tonight, and I told him before I began that I didn't think he would believe me, and I was prepared for that.
The whole memory is very logical when I retell it. He thought it made sense, and he believed me.
But I don't believe myself. I think I've made this all up, and the part I didn't get a chance to say to him is that if I made this up, I've made up all the memories. Our minds are pretty clever, and even the physical sensations I feel about this incident, or any of the others I can feel, could all be imaginary.I know this is denial (which is my strong suit) or black and white thinking but it just doesn't make sense to me. If I doubt the veracity of this memory, this puts all my other memories at risk. If I made this up, how do I know I didn't make up all the rest? How do I trust myself?
This flashback has been haunting me for several years, and the last time it came up two years ago, my pdoc said, "Let it go. If it's important, it will come back." I thought that was ridiculous advice, as I like for things to be neat and orderly and well understood and I couldn't get a handle on this. Well, I tried it, and he was right. It went away, only to return with vengeance over the last week. I have obsessively ruminated over every aspect of it, picking it apart with a fine-toothed comb, looking for the falseness of it. I don't know what to believe.
My pdoc said the best thing to do is to let it go because everytime I relive it, I retraumatize myself. But how do I let go? And if I let it go, how will I learn from it?
What's so distressing about this memory is that it is csa that isn't related to my father. So what kind of freak am I? My pdoc said what I recounted would be a major, devastating event to any child. But I don't know how to make sense of it, how/where to place it in my realm of experience. It's certainly not as bad as the abuse by my father. He said I was asking for a "rating" of this abuse, and that's what I needed, a perspective. How bad was this particular experience in terms of reality, and not w/in the reality of what I lived in w/my father. He said it's bad.
I feel so horrible. Something new and different just popping into my consciousness? This hurts because it makes me feel unsteady--I thought I knew the devil I was fighting, and along comes another one. How many more are there out there? This still isn't the "terror" that I'm constantly afraid of. How can one child have withstood so much, and how do I know more isn't out there. I knew I was pretty messed up, but this sends me to scarier places than I can cope with.
So I'm going to try to put this out of my mind until I see him next, as a protective device.
I'm sorry. I'm not making much sense. I usually am much more careful with my writing. But I was truly blindsided by this. It wouldn't have come out if I didn't feel safe enough w/my pdoc, but this isn't what I expected, and I fear that more is to come--he thinks so, too.
Why is it so easy for him to say "just let it go," when these things eat you alive--they eat away at your self-confidence and your courage, and you wonder what more of a freak am I to become?
antigua
Posted by obsidian on February 24, 2009, at 23:18:53
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
take really good care of yourself right now...it sounds overwhelming.
I can't manage to say more right now, but I hope you find some comfort.
-sid
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 23:22:49
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
(((antigua)))
Posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:19:47
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
You are not a freak and I believe that you are experiencing the "knowing the unknowable." Of course you doubt yourself, these are things that should never have happened. They didn't make sense then and this is part of what you are remembering - the confusion and denial, even as you remember and know the truth.
I know this is all so, so hard. But the truth is that lots of kids who are abused are abused multiple times by multiple people, even in unrelated circumstances. It is a weird, unconscious thing that attracts it, I have no answers as to why this is true. But I do know that horrible feeling of "what is left hiding in there?" I often feel I can not learn one more thing, that it is all too much and I'd rather not know. But once the cracks open up, things begin to come up. And you get more and more ready to know the worst stuff.
I keep asking why the most awful stuff doesn't come up first. My therapist said it has to do with trusting him and myself. I get crazy over the details. I guess I feel like if I get one thing wrong, then it is all wrong. I struggle with the time line too - some of the memories don't fit in the ages I think I was.
Please be kind to yourself. You are in shock, and this will make you more prone to accidents. You will slowly absorb this memory and get more used to it. And then you can sort it out more. At first the disbelief and outrage strangle everything else.
I wish there was an easier road. It is good advice to let it go when you can. It gives your mind a rest. And when you can't, keep writing about it. It helps.
Gentle hugs,
Daisy
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 6:34:52
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » antigua3, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 23:22:49
Thank you. I needed that hug.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 6:52:12
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » antigua3, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:19:47
Daisy,
Thank you. I'm not going to try and argue w/you about feeling like I'm a freak because while I do feel that way, I can't seem to get my head around it and know what it is I feel exactly.I understand about multiple abuse. It's a version, I think, of Freud's "repetition compulsion," that we're drawn into the pattern in an effort to resolve it. But I've always thought of that as an adult thing, not something that happens to children. I just don't see how, or yet maybe, this would apply. I may be interpreting wrong what you're saying, so please forgive me if I am. Maybe kids give off vulnerability signals. In fact, I think they do.
I already know that something happened w/another family member, but this is so different, from outside the sphere of my family, w/a group of people. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I don't even think being in that place would have naturally lead to this. I just don't know; that's part of why this is so hard to believe.
I told my pdoc before I told him about this that I didn't expect him to believe me. (The CBT in him requires things to be logical and for there to be some type of "proof.") Well, it is very logical the way I tell it, and things fit together quite neatly, but maybe I reconstructed it knowing these things about him. But since he knew beforehand that I didn't expect for him to believe it, he didn't put up any strong argument against it. I think his primary goal was to validate what I thought I believed. And I'm not sure that helps. I guess since I didn't have to "prove" it, he took away my most valuable defense of arguing, going up against an authority figure who I didn't think believed me, etc. Very strange. Was he just doing it to provide me with trust in him? See, I can make a million arguments..
antigua
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 25, 2009, at 8:40:01
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
Oh, sweetie: you are NOT a freak....you are someone in pain.
As for not "believing in transference"---that is silly. Transference/countertransference takes place in ALL of our relationships....it happens whether we are aware of it or not.
Have you ever thought of EMDR? I don;t know much about it, but have heard it might be an effective tool.
your t says to "let it go?" I am shocked. There are some things we can never let go.....all we can do is boil them down to something that is manageable if possible.
Hugs, Sassy
P.S. I have heard (but not read) of a book called The Courage to Heal...perhaps that might help a little?
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:03:58
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » antigua3, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 25, 2009, at 8:40:01
Been there, done that. I say that kindly. EMDR was effective in bringing forth a memory I didn't know existed, and I do own a copy of that book and have been through it many times. EMDR was helpful at the time, but it's not for me anymore. Actually, that's not true. I had a T who taught me the protocol for using it and I do use it to help calm myself down, or access feelings, when I'm not feeling well.
Thanks for your support. I still can't quite shake the idea that I'm really screwed up (and to think I'm more screwed up than I thought I was, well, that's off my radar screen). It's painful, you're right.
antigu
Posted by backseatdriver on February 25, 2009, at 11:18:08
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » sassyfrancesca, posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:03:58
>Maybe kids give off vulnerability signals. In fact, I think they do.
They do. Kids are also vulnerable just because they're kids -- smaller than adults, less experienced, more naive. They all need and deserve protection. I wish you'd had that, and I am so very sorry for what you are going through.
Peace & healing,
BSD
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:22:41
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » antigua3, posted by obsidian on February 24, 2009, at 23:18:53
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:23:46
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by backseatdriver on February 25, 2009, at 11:18:08
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:29:24
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
I'm sorry Daisy and Sassy. I can see that what I wrote wasn't very nice--defensive to say the least, and you were both trying to be helpful. Unfortunately, I just recognized the pattern for about the millionth time. You'd think I would have learned it all by now.
antigua
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 25, 2009, at 14:47:27
In reply to Daisy and Sassy, posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 11:29:24
Hey, sweetie: i saw nothing "defensive" in what you wrote!
Not to worry!
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by lucie lu on February 25, 2009, at 21:36:11
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
This is the end of the thread.
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