Posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
OK, I already reported that I admitted my transference to my pdoc.I told him tonight I didn't think he believed in transference and he said he uses what's best for the patient, and in my case, the transference is important and necessary. Still don't quite understand it, meaning that he acknowledges the transference, but I don't see that he actually works with it. Maybe I need to be patient.
But we couldn't really spend time talking about it because I've been experiencing a flashback that I've had in the past, but have never been able to access the "memory" around it, until last week. I only had a piece of it, and in seeing my T last week, we worked on trying to understand why this flashback had been triggered now (she thinks it has to do with me opening up so much w/my pdoc, but I don't see the connection) and had me focus on how my body felt, to see if remembering the physical aspects would bring the memory forth.
Well, it did full force, and while my T said she would be available, she wasn't, and I couldn't call my pdoc. So I suffered through it, trying to make sense of it. I worry about my T because she's not there for me really anymore, but she has given me a greater appreciation for my mother's position while I was young--it wasn't that she didn't love or care for me, it was that she was so busy with six kids (one who was very sick), and neglected us because she was so self-absorbed with what she was going through herself. That's not an excuse--for my mother or my T--but it's an understanding.
I was obsessed about this memory for more than 10 days before I could speak w/my pdoc about it. We talked through it tonight, and I told him before I began that I didn't think he would believe me, and I was prepared for that.
The whole memory is very logical when I retell it. He thought it made sense, and he believed me.
But I don't believe myself. I think I've made this all up, and the part I didn't get a chance to say to him is that if I made this up, I've made up all the memories. Our minds are pretty clever, and even the physical sensations I feel about this incident, or any of the others I can feel, could all be imaginary.I know this is denial (which is my strong suit) or black and white thinking but it just doesn't make sense to me. If I doubt the veracity of this memory, this puts all my other memories at risk. If I made this up, how do I know I didn't make up all the rest? How do I trust myself?
This flashback has been haunting me for several years, and the last time it came up two years ago, my pdoc said, "Let it go. If it's important, it will come back." I thought that was ridiculous advice, as I like for things to be neat and orderly and well understood and I couldn't get a handle on this. Well, I tried it, and he was right. It went away, only to return with vengeance over the last week. I have obsessively ruminated over every aspect of it, picking it apart with a fine-toothed comb, looking for the falseness of it. I don't know what to believe.
My pdoc said the best thing to do is to let it go because everytime I relive it, I retraumatize myself. But how do I let go? And if I let it go, how will I learn from it?
What's so distressing about this memory is that it is csa that isn't related to my father. So what kind of freak am I? My pdoc said what I recounted would be a major, devastating event to any child. But I don't know how to make sense of it, how/where to place it in my realm of experience. It's certainly not as bad as the abuse by my father. He said I was asking for a "rating" of this abuse, and that's what I needed, a perspective. How bad was this particular experience in terms of reality, and not w/in the reality of what I lived in w/my father. He said it's bad.
I feel so horrible. Something new and different just popping into my consciousness? This hurts because it makes me feel unsteady--I thought I knew the devil I was fighting, and along comes another one. How many more are there out there? This still isn't the "terror" that I'm constantly afraid of. How can one child have withstood so much, and how do I know more isn't out there. I knew I was pretty messed up, but this sends me to scarier places than I can cope with.
So I'm going to try to put this out of my mind until I see him next, as a protective device.
I'm sorry. I'm not making much sense. I usually am much more careful with my writing. But I was truly blindsided by this. It wouldn't have come out if I didn't feel safe enough w/my pdoc, but this isn't what I expected, and I fear that more is to come--he thinks so, too.
Why is it so easy for him to say "just let it go," when these things eat you alive--they eat away at your self-confidence and your courage, and you wonder what more of a freak am I to become?
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:882287
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/882287.html