Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 6:52:12
In reply to Re: I'm so lost***csa trigger*** » antigua3, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:19:47
Thank you. I'm not going to try and argue w/you about feeling like I'm a freak because while I do feel that way, I can't seem to get my head around it and know what it is I feel exactly.
I understand about multiple abuse. It's a version, I think, of Freud's "repetition compulsion," that we're drawn into the pattern in an effort to resolve it. But I've always thought of that as an adult thing, not something that happens to children. I just don't see how, or yet maybe, this would apply. I may be interpreting wrong what you're saying, so please forgive me if I am. Maybe kids give off vulnerability signals. In fact, I think they do.
I already know that something happened w/another family member, but this is so different, from outside the sphere of my family, w/a group of people. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I don't even think being in that place would have naturally lead to this. I just don't know; that's part of why this is so hard to believe.
I told my pdoc before I told him about this that I didn't expect him to believe me. (The CBT in him requires things to be logical and for there to be some type of "proof.") Well, it is very logical the way I tell it, and things fit together quite neatly, but maybe I reconstructed it knowing these things about him. But since he knew beforehand that I didn't expect for him to believe it, he didn't put up any strong argument against it. I think his primary goal was to validate what I thought I believed. And I'm not sure that helps. I guess since I didn't have to "prove" it, he took away my most valuable defense of arguing, going up against an authority figure who I didn't think believed me, etc. Very strange. Was he just doing it to provide me with trust in him? See, I can make a million arguments..