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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 13:35:37
I have noticed lately my ups and downs are too much for me to deal with. I told my T/pdoc and he upped my wellbutrin. So far ain't helping.
I have a history of AD's doing nada, zippo for me. I had my neurotransmittor levels measured and I know which ones are high and which ones are low and trying to take stuff for that but still no help.
Yesterday for example, for a while I thought I can take on the world and then the next hour the sky is falling.
Yesterday, I was all for going back to school to get a second degree.
Today it seems impossible. For one thing, the requirements I believe are just not possible for this messed up brain.
It is one thing for my p-doc/therapist to think I have the brain power. But perhaps I have him fooled.
what if I fail. Failure is just not permitted.
Isn't it better to just not try something than to fail.
I guess today I just feel like their are too many things I have failed at doing. Hell I can't even keep myself going day to day.
I am so tempted to mail in the notice to the school and say no I am not coming so take me out of program.
I am so scared. I am crying off and on. I feel like life has just passed me by. I feel damaged beyond belief. And I feel like the degree I do have is worthless. What was Vanderbilt thinking when they gave that to me?
Ok I will stop my pity party unless someone else wants to join me. I hate it when I sound even to myself that I am whinny.
I have no clue what to do. I have people calling me about job interviews but I don't want to do those jobs. I should take my resume down until I figure out what I want to do.
The problem is I still don't know what I want to do.
It is possible I will drift forever
forever damaged
forever feeling like I was messed up and can't recover enough
even to figure out how to make my life mean something now to me.
I can't stop the echoes of the past inside my head. I sleep hearing it and I wake up hearing it. And then I am powerless to
stop the past from destroying the future I am trying to set up.And yes I have told him, my t/pdoc this. He thinks I should just take a class and it will help.
But for me, just a class or even 3 as he told me to take won't help because I have some classes I just know I won't be able to manage. My brain just miss fires sometimes. I feel my memory is still on the fritz.
So how can I go back. ok, I know I sound scared. I am. I am scared to death. I want to do well.
well I thought this would help but all it made me do is cry.
thanks for listening.
I am sorry so many threads I want to answer but can't.
I do care about each one of you. I wish I could help all.
just can't help myself either.
take care all
rsk
Posted by raisinb on November 5, 2008, at 14:05:54
In reply to How does a person stay upbeat or motivated?, posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 13:35:37
RSK, you sound so depressed and down on yourself. My only advice is to not put so much pressure on yourself when you are not feeling well. Obviously either the Wellbutrin is not working (totally possible; it can be weak for some people) or else it is giving you radical ups and downs (like it did me). You're not doing well, so you can't do as much, and you can't be as positive; try not to dislike yourself for it. Take care of yourself and call your pdoc!! I am sending you good thoughts.
Posted by muffled on November 5, 2008, at 14:06:27
In reply to How does a person stay upbeat or motivated?, posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 13:35:37
Awww Rsk, you sound pretty freaked. I would be too.
I understand meds for people w/DD can be a challenge cuz diff parts may have diff issues.
It could be you have a part that is more borderlinePD and is getting wigged out. You could even have a part that leans to bipolar. So hard to know :-(
Has your T worked on your getting to know your parts and being able to try and have some communication? I think thats REALLY important cuz otherwise your going to have constant battles cuz you forever forcing parts to do that which they don't want to. But with negotiation, and with incentives and reassurance, you may be able to get some agreement and more calm.
Sounds like you got some 'rules'(I call them 'laws') in your head still. Like not being able to fail. That is something to work on in T. Takes alot of talking(arguing!) w/T to get past them laws....but worthwhile.
I took an AAP for a bit, it was OK but made me sleepy and I gained weight too much. But it got me thru a bad patch.
Well I ramble, perhaps stupidly.
Take care RSk.
Muffled
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 15:32:14
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat or motivated? » rskontos, posted by raisinb on November 5, 2008, at 14:05:54
Thanks raisinb,
I am trying. I have been fighting this for alittle while now and he knows. I ranted last session. I have had a hard time with flashbacks, my father, and this has caused a rift in my hold of my emotional feelings that I just plain don't have control over. Because of the past and my dissociative abilities I would say I have the emotional control of all or nothing. So when things get overwhelming I just lose it. And I have lost it. So we upped my wellbutrin. And maybe it is just causing me to have ups and downs. I guess I can email pdoc/t and tell him. I haven't great history with ADs.
And underneath it all is this stress of childhood abuse resurfacing that I need to understand. We have been talking about it in sessions and it is just floating underneath the surface ready to come out and I don't have a handle on it either. So you are right I am depressed and down because I don't feel very confident in myself no matter how others see me.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could get a dose of how others see us and us that to help us reshape our views of ourselves. I get information from others that is positive but it rarely impacts how I see myself. Strange behavior that is.
Thanks for the good thoughts.
Funny I have a hard time reaching out to my t/pdoc even though he would handle it nicely I am sure. I always just wait it out until the next session no matter how bad I get.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 15:38:03
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat or motivated?, posted by muffled on November 5, 2008, at 14:06:27
Aw muffled never do you ramble stupidly. You know I did not think about it being parts but you are right. Lately I have so many different voices going on. Three different conversations. I am taking xanax to stop them but it has such a short half life that in the middle of night I would have to get up and take more. So I often wake up with these voices doing a number on me. And I thought it was me just talking myself in circles. Which it is and it isn't. I probably have a parts that is all the different stuff combined in one person. But no I dont think I have a bipolar because I am never manic. I have no energy at all. I have one that is paranoid about stuff happening though.
I guess as hard as this conversation will be I will have to discuss it with him. But last session I started to dissociate on him due to what we were discussing so I am sure if I start talking about parts an d voices it will happen. He wants it to happen because he says that is progress but it sure isnt fun for me.
Oh muffled thanks
I knew I could count on my babble friends.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on November 5, 2008, at 16:22:45
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery) » raisinb, posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 15:32:14
Please don't wait for the next session. Do something now; you will feel better for just having made the effort. I know how that time waiting can seem to drag on forever when a call could make all the difference.
Sounds like your wellbutrin is causing you added trouble. The ups and downs shouldn't be happening so much if the drug works properly.
I want so badly to offer you support, but I'm not quite sure what to say. Except that I've been there. Trying to deal with the past, like you are at the moment, can take up every waking moment. Sometimes you just have to give into it so you can deal with it and move on. Other times, you have to keep moving on w/your life so that the past recedes a bit during your day and doesn't consume you.
I don't know where you are in the process; only you know that answer. Personally, I was so depressed once while I was agonizing terribly over my past, etc., and I decided to take a break from life to deal with it. Actually, I had no choice. I was that sick.
But I'm so much better now. I've made quantum leaps over the last several months, so while my husband was angry as hell that I wasn't working, I was working; I was working on myself.
When the past consumes you, you have no energy for anything else. I guess that's called depression.
So decide what it is that you can handle--whether it's getting outside of your head and taking classes or going on those interviews, or just deciding to work on your issues. You're the only one who knows.
But if it's fear that's stopping you, that's a whole other post! Let me know, OK?
antigua
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:11
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery) » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on November 5, 2008, at 16:22:45
> Please don't wait for the next session. Do something now; you will feel better for just having made the effort. I know how that time waiting can seem to drag on forever when a call could make all the difference.
> **I am thinking of emailing him and sending him the thread I initially posted. I might just cut and paste it into an email to him so that he knows how I am struggling.
> Sounds like your wellbutrin is causing you added trouble. The ups and downs shouldn't be happening so much if the drug works properly.
> **Although we just upped it, I am not sure it has had time to be effective. We just upped it a week ago and he told me to gradually increase it 75 mg. I only today took a whole 75 mg. increase.
> I want so badly to offer you support, but I'm not quite sure what to say. Except that I've been there. Trying to deal with the past, like you are at the moment, can take up every waking moment. Sometimes you just have to give into it so you can deal with it and move on. Other times, you have to keep moving on w/your life so that the past recedes a bit during your day and doesn't consume you.
> **Antigua, just offering support is helpful. Knowing that I can talk to others that have been through this is helpful. Just having a shoulder to lean on, figuratively, is nice.
> I don't know where you are in the process; only you know that answer. Personally, I was so depressed once while I was agonizing terribly over my past, etc., and I decided to take a break from life to deal with it. Actually, I had no choice. I was that sick.
>
> But I'm so much better now. I've made quantum leaps over the last several months, so while my husband was angry as hell that I wasn't working, I was working; I was working on myself.
> ** now this good, how did you work on yourself. And how did you know you were making progress. I have so many voices all saying something different it makes me crazy. And then I don't know what I want to do. I am not working. My H doesn't care if I work or not. In fact, he tells me not to. Unless it is something I really enjoy.
> When the past consumes you, you have no energy for anything else. I guess that's called depression.
> **yeah that is what I was afraid of.
> So decide what it is that you can handle--whether it's getting outside of your head and taking classes or going on those interviews, or just deciding to work on your issues. You're the only one who knows.
> **that is my problem I don't know what I can handle, I can't figure out to get out of my damn head because of those damn voices. If I am the only one that knows, I am in deep donkey doo. Well at least I still got a small sense of humor:)
> But if it's fear that's stopping you, that's a whole other post! Let me know, OK?
**well yeah it is fear. Fear of so much. So I guess that is another post. But thanks so much you were a real sweetie to post something so supportive and thoughtful. I really appreciate it even if I cried. I have been doing alot of that though. I thought it was suppose to make me feel better.Thanks antigua
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:58
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:11
Posted by muffled on November 5, 2008, at 22:20:31
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:11
cuz it SOOOO frikken confusing ALOT.
But it gets better.
Just takes time.
You ever made a map?
M
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 0:39:58
In reply to How does a person stay upbeat or motivated?, posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 13:35:37
Rsk maybe too high a dose of wellbutrin? I don't know the Did side of it how that works with meds. Love Phillipa try and get some rest.
Posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 9:16:23
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:11
**I am thinking of emailing him and sending him the thread I initially posted. I might just cut and paste it into an email to him so that he knows how I am struggling.
>>>Not that you are struggling, but how MUCH you are; I think those are two different things. It's easy for them to dismiss us unless they know the depths of our anguish.
**how did you work on yourself. And how did you know you were making progress. I have so many voices all saying something different it makes me crazy. And then I don't know what I want to do. I am not working. My H doesn't care if I work or not. In fact, he tells me not to. Unless it is something I really enjoy.
>>>That's great about your husband; it helps tremendously to have that support. I didn't.
How did I work on it? I spent as much time w/my T as I could afford, and then started with the pdoc, and just got really focused on what I was experiencing and learning. I have a habit of obsessing until I figure something out, and once I felt truly safe w/my T, I could really listen.
But I tried other things, too. EMDR and even hypnosis. The EMDR was helpful, not because it helped crystallize some memories from chidhood (yuck!), but because it helped teach me to put the thoughts away until I could see my T again. (I had different therapists for this). I imagined a smooth, cedar box that I could place all the unpleasantness in until I was safely with my T and I could let the demons out.
also, EMDR teaches you to have a "safe place" to go to/return to when memories, feelings, etc. overwhelm you. I'd like to say that I learned not to run from the feelings, but that wasn't true then. All I could do was run because I couldn't handle them.
Hypnosis didn't bring forth anything substantial, but it did teach me some calming techniques, and this T taught me how to do EMDR on my own when I felt overwhelmed. (I still use it).
Between EMDR and hypnosis I was looking to find out what was terrorizing me so much. I never found out and I still haven't, although I know it's related to a memory; I just don't know if it's a partial memory I already have or something else. I've decided it's OK that I don't know anymore. I try to ride with the feelings now, trying to trace them to find a "thing" to remember, but more than likely I don't find out anything more, I just let the feelings roll.
What I learned from the EMDR and hypnosis was how to calm myself, to find my center that I could go to when all my voices were overwhelming me. I found calmness, and I try to return to that center every day, often before I fall asleep. I'm sure this is a lot like yoga or some other types of meditation, but I needed something to silence the scattered attacks of thoughts that kept hitting me.
also, medication helped tremendously. My pdoc is a great pharmacologist and he has helped center me as well.
But truly, the only way is through it, as awful as that may sound. For me, it was physically painful, and my body still holds those memories I can't access.
How did I know I was better? When I found the energy to get out of bed, to do things w/my kids, and to do more than go through the motions.
One of the wonderful things about therapy is that once you resolve even a part of an issue, or a huge part, energy is released for you to use, instead of focusing on the trauma. I never realized how much energy I was expending to keep evil thoughts at bay.
It was a slow process, and while I'm not done, I do have my life back. This may be as good as it gets, and that would be fine because I have a good life. But like I've already said, while I thought I was "wasting" my time, and felt guilty because in many ways I couldn't even function, all the while I was working on myself and I'm reaping the benefits now.
One more thing. Have you had a physical lately? It turned out that one of my problems was seriously medical, and not in my head. I spent the whole last year dealing w/these issues, and I'm fine now (thank god), but it was a long haul. The point is that I didn't know part of my tiredness, unable to do anything, etc. was physical, so make sure you're in good health.
So I wrote you a book. There is hope, I promise you.
As to the fear? The best advice I've gotten to deal w/this was from my pdoc who said, when I was faced w/having to make some major moves professionally (I had lost my job and was thinking of going out on my own, but fear was holding me back), to keep moving. Sounds silly, but it has worked for me. I just put my head down and keep working, trying not to let old feelings of worthlessness get in the way. And now we're working on why I feel that way at times, and each time I get a little stronger and I find that I've actually worked a whole day on my own (w/o sliding into bed!) and I'm excited about what I'm doing.
But I couldn't have done any of this two or three years ago. I wasn't ready. Part of it is cyclical depression that I'm aware of now, part of it is that I was so deep in my therapy, and perpetual crisis, that I was taken over with, as my pdoc says, "paralysis by analysis." But I had to do it; it was the only thing that worked at the time.
sorry to be so long. You'll be OK. Find a way to silence all the voices; find a peaceful center to hold you, like your T holds you. Once you find some kind of peace, you'll feel much, much better.
antigua
>
Posted by muffled on November 6, 2008, at 11:48:25
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 9:16:23
may I put it into my journal as I'd like to refer back to it?
Thanks.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 6, 2008, at 11:50:38
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 9:16:23
btw, I LOVE
"paralysis by analysis"
ROFL (kinda sadly)
Its very hard to give ourselves permission to have compassion for ourownselves.
Very hard.
M
Posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 13:27:46
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by muffled on November 6, 2008, at 11:50:38
Thank you muffled. You are always so kind.
Use it as you wish. We all can use some help figuring this stuff out.
I, too, love the phrase "paralysis by analysis," and unfortunately I know the feeling too well.
Take good care muffled; you're very special to all of us here.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2008, at 17:48:37
In reply to My nickname for DD's are CONFUSION disorder, posted by muffled on November 5, 2008, at 22:20:31
How right you are muffled. Confusion disordered is me.
No what a map?
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2008, at 17:50:35
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat or motivated? » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 0:39:58
Thanks Phillipa, no I don't think 225mg is too high, I mean lots of people take 450 mg. In fact my doc said my 150 mg was low. My doc that is handling my thyroid and adrenal issues. Of course, those two could also be attributing to my low sad feelings.
But thanks I am trying. thanks for caring.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2008, at 17:58:18
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 9:16:23
Antigua, this is an amazing post. And alot to digest.
I have had a physical lately and I do have some significant physical issues. Thyroid and adrenal fatigue, anemia and extremely low vitamin D levels. I am treating all of these but as my doc says it will take a while to correct. This is part of the reason I am worried about considering doing more of anything right now.
I realize today that yesterday several of my inners were out. I feel completely different. I journalled it all to send to my T. I also today just left the house, with dishes in the sink, laundry room a mess, and went shopping for myself. I did buy a couple of christmas presents but I bought myself some overdo clothes.
It was a nice treat to myself. It helped. I am tired but good tired. I also exercised before I went so I could check that off.
I am not over this, but calm me is here for now.
I am again thankful for this very thoughtful and profound post.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2008, at 18:00:17
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery) » muffled, posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 13:27:46
I too love this phrase, "paralysis by analysis", I only called it thinking myself into circles.
Again, thank you and yes muffled you are special to us.
Antigua you are special to me.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 18:56:17
In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat or motivated? » Phillipa, posted by rskontos on November 6, 2008, at 17:50:35
Rsk yes the thyroid is very connected to emotions, depression, anxiety. Very complicated topic. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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