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Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery)

Posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 9:16:23

In reply to Re: How does a person stay upbeat (triggery), posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 17:27:11

**I am thinking of emailing him and sending him the thread I initially posted. I might just cut and paste it into an email to him so that he knows how I am struggling.

>>>Not that you are struggling, but how MUCH you are; I think those are two different things. It's easy for them to dismiss us unless they know the depths of our anguish.

**how did you work on yourself. And how did you know you were making progress. I have so many voices all saying something different it makes me crazy. And then I don't know what I want to do. I am not working. My H doesn't care if I work or not. In fact, he tells me not to. Unless it is something I really enjoy.

>>>That's great about your husband; it helps tremendously to have that support. I didn't.

How did I work on it? I spent as much time w/my T as I could afford, and then started with the pdoc, and just got really focused on what I was experiencing and learning. I have a habit of obsessing until I figure something out, and once I felt truly safe w/my T, I could really listen.

But I tried other things, too. EMDR and even hypnosis. The EMDR was helpful, not because it helped crystallize some memories from chidhood (yuck!), but because it helped teach me to put the thoughts away until I could see my T again. (I had different therapists for this). I imagined a smooth, cedar box that I could place all the unpleasantness in until I was safely with my T and I could let the demons out.

also, EMDR teaches you to have a "safe place" to go to/return to when memories, feelings, etc. overwhelm you. I'd like to say that I learned not to run from the feelings, but that wasn't true then. All I could do was run because I couldn't handle them.

Hypnosis didn't bring forth anything substantial, but it did teach me some calming techniques, and this T taught me how to do EMDR on my own when I felt overwhelmed. (I still use it).

Between EMDR and hypnosis I was looking to find out what was terrorizing me so much. I never found out and I still haven't, although I know it's related to a memory; I just don't know if it's a partial memory I already have or something else. I've decided it's OK that I don't know anymore. I try to ride with the feelings now, trying to trace them to find a "thing" to remember, but more than likely I don't find out anything more, I just let the feelings roll.

What I learned from the EMDR and hypnosis was how to calm myself, to find my center that I could go to when all my voices were overwhelming me. I found calmness, and I try to return to that center every day, often before I fall asleep. I'm sure this is a lot like yoga or some other types of meditation, but I needed something to silence the scattered attacks of thoughts that kept hitting me.

also, medication helped tremendously. My pdoc is a great pharmacologist and he has helped center me as well.

But truly, the only way is through it, as awful as that may sound. For me, it was physically painful, and my body still holds those memories I can't access.

How did I know I was better? When I found the energy to get out of bed, to do things w/my kids, and to do more than go through the motions.

One of the wonderful things about therapy is that once you resolve even a part of an issue, or a huge part, energy is released for you to use, instead of focusing on the trauma. I never realized how much energy I was expending to keep evil thoughts at bay.

It was a slow process, and while I'm not done, I do have my life back. This may be as good as it gets, and that would be fine because I have a good life. But like I've already said, while I thought I was "wasting" my time, and felt guilty because in many ways I couldn't even function, all the while I was working on myself and I'm reaping the benefits now.

One more thing. Have you had a physical lately? It turned out that one of my problems was seriously medical, and not in my head. I spent the whole last year dealing w/these issues, and I'm fine now (thank god), but it was a long haul. The point is that I didn't know part of my tiredness, unable to do anything, etc. was physical, so make sure you're in good health.

So I wrote you a book. There is hope, I promise you.

As to the fear? The best advice I've gotten to deal w/this was from my pdoc who said, when I was faced w/having to make some major moves professionally (I had lost my job and was thinking of going out on my own, but fear was holding me back), to keep moving. Sounds silly, but it has worked for me. I just put my head down and keep working, trying not to let old feelings of worthlessness get in the way. And now we're working on why I feel that way at times, and each time I get a little stronger and I find that I've actually worked a whole day on my own (w/o sliding into bed!) and I'm excited about what I'm doing.

But I couldn't have done any of this two or three years ago. I wasn't ready. Part of it is cyclical depression that I'm aware of now, part of it is that I was so deep in my therapy, and perpetual crisis, that I was taken over with, as my pdoc says, "paralysis by analysis." But I had to do it; it was the only thing that worked at the time.

sorry to be so long. You'll be OK. Find a way to silence all the voices; find a peaceful center to hold you, like your T holds you. Once you find some kind of peace, you'll feel much, much better.

antigua


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poster:antigua3 thread:860954
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