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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
This is going to sound stupid and I am sorry but I have to ask. In therapy, my T and I have been discussing my birthmother (I was adopted) and my birthfamily...I have never known them and I have been trying to find things out..and the holidays make me a wreck becuse all I do is think about them. My adoptive family and I do not get along and haven't since I was about 21...and so every holiday season...I get really depressed and all I think about is being with the family that I have never known.....
anyway, I talked last thurs. to my T and ever since then, I have been on the verge of tears. I was in traffic yesterday and broke down crying. My thoughts in my head are SO STRONG that they affect me very strongly. But I cannot stop tearing up...and it is bothering me. I have alwasy suffered from depression but I am really having a hard time and NOTHING I am doing is helping me to stop crying.
I told my T that if I didnt eventually find my birthmother at least...I was gonig to one day hurt myself some how because the pain that I would inflict would be a lot better than the emotional pain I am experiencing.
I just cannot stand being in this world knowing that my mother is around here somewhere.
My T asked me why I dont mention my birthfather..and it isn't that I am not interested in him, but he wasn't at my birth...I know that much, and so I feel like he didn't care...but yet, that might not be the case..i do realize this. But also, I told him I have a good father figure in my life...I dont have a good mother figure (my adoptive mom and I never get along and our relationship is almost non existant..) so I am searching for he one woman who I feel I have a connection to ..and who could possibly been the missing link to my life...no..she is the missing link.
Even if my birth family does not want to know anything about me...I still need closure.
This topic brings me to tears..and no one understands how hard it is to not know anything about your birthparents...at least no one that I know...
I want to stop crying ...I want to be ok. My T wants me to cry in front of him about all of this but I can't and last Thursday he was "trying" to make me cry..I tend to smile and laugh instead of cry because I would rather do that then cry...and he was trying to make me stop smiling and laughing and well, I couldnt...He wants me to get in touch with my emotions...(I think I am) ..and I cannot stop crying...I just cannot cry in session which is the ONE PLACE where I SHOULD CRY.
I hate the holidays...Im sorry but, I dont know what to do with myself.
Posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 13:04:53
In reply to On the Verge of tears..., posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
Maybe you should begin a search for your birth mother? Are you strong enough? You know it may not turn out as you wish, but it may help you put the fantasy to rest.
antigua
Posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 13:11:28
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears..., posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 13:04:53
I have searched for years, and I know the doctor that delivered me, and he gave me some information, but it wasn't enough...he didn't give me my mom's name or anything..he basically told me how old she was, that she looked like me, and that my dad was not present at the birth...that was all I found out.
I found the hospital I was born at and called and they dont have my records because they got misplaced ...(which really upset me)...but
My adoption was a closed adoption so my birthmother would have had to open it back up...and she hasn't.
I have pretty much given up all hope.
Posted by no_rose_garden on November 2, 2008, at 14:18:17
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » antigua3, posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 13:11:28
I know what it's like to have to spend days trying not to cry...but I can't imagine how you feel in your situation. I'm sorry.
((Amanda))
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 3, 2008, at 7:58:20
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » antigua3, posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 13:11:28
(((Amanda))): Don't give up. I never knew my father, and finally tracked him down (although it was easier to do than your situation).
I would ask the doctor for your mother's name (of course if she is re-married or married, yu wouldn't have her last name. Can you find out your father's name? There are so many resources out there now.
There are agencies who will help you. Perhaps your mother has looked for you. you could join an adoptees support group; they have many resources and help people find their birth parents. I understand; it will eat at you until you find out about her.
If you find out your father's name, and he is still alive, then you can find out your mother's name, etc., etc....
Don't give up, sweetie: I understand that need to find out about your past; it is only natural to want to know!
hugs, Sassy
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 3, 2008, at 8:05:11
In reply to On the Verge of tears..., posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
Hey, sweetie: Go into www.adopting.org....there's lots of information on how to find records and a form you can fill out.
Where there is a will, there is a way. I know how desperate you are to find out about your mom...if you are persistent, eventually you will find her.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Poet on November 3, 2008, at 10:49:51
In reply to On the Verge of tears..., posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
Hi Amanda,
I cam't cry in therapy either. I burst into tears when I get in my car. My T changes tissue boxes so I know somebody cries in front of her, but not me.
I can't say I know how you feel as I am not adopted, but my father was and if anything I'd like to know his birth family's medical history. He's 81 and in excellent health so I assume there's nothing genetic lurking in my future, but still.
I hope you can find your birth mother and get some closure. Please don't hurt yourself, you are you no matter who raised or didn't raise you, I think you should put yourself first.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 12:32:20
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by Poet on November 3, 2008, at 10:49:51
Even if it was a closed adoption can't you write a letter to you birthmom give to adoption agency and they in turn can give to mom and her choice whether to contact you or not. And please don't hurt yourself. Love Phillipa
Posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:13:46
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears..., posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 12:32:20
I wish something like that could happen, but they don't have records of me because about ten years ago, the hospital that I was born at closed down and moved into a bigger facility and during the move...aparently my records were lost. I could go through the court system to try and re open my case but with it being closed, I probably could not find out anything. And my birthmother would have to be the one to open it back up...so the courts couldn't do anything for me even if I wanted them to. Basically, from what I am thinking there are now NO records of me from the time of my birth, because they have been misplaced....does not make me happy. :(
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 19:39:29
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Phillipa, posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:13:46
So no record of adoption agency either? Could you possible put an add in the newspaper in the State you were born, date of birth, your adoptive parents must have paperwork of where you were adopted from don't they? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 19:42:17
In reply to On the Verge of tears..., posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
Okay read opening message again you say you have a good relationship with adoptive Father could he go to your T with you and then T could help explain how important it is to you? Might work? Love Phillipa
Posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:46:10
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 19:39:29
It is a long story but, my adoptive parents told me I was born one place and really I was born another, and because it was a closed adoption, they never met my birthmother or anything. I was born, my adoptive parents were friends with the doctor that delivered me and so he took me to his house..and my parents picked me up there.
I have contacted the doctor that delievered me and we talked some, but he never gave me any names...
Posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:49:34
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 19:42:17
We do have a "better" relationship than my mother...but even talking to him about my adoption is not a good thing. He gets very uncomfortable...so I never talk to him about it. It amazes me how up tight they get.
My dad knows very well how hard it is for me to not know, and how badly I want to know more...but he cannot help me. I dont think he realizes how hard it hits me at the holidays...but finding my birthparents is something I have to do on my own..they will be of no help to me.
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 20:51:52
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Phillipa, posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:49:34
If you know the city or your adoptive dad irreguardless of how uncomfortable it makes him can tell you the doctors name could you look up the doctor find out the hospital or look at old newspapers even hire a detective to advise you. Other this this no other ideas. Phillipa
Posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 20:56:38
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 20:51:52
I already did all of that, but thanks for your ideas...I hope to one day find something out...
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 21:00:30
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Phillipa, posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 20:56:38
Amanda I am seriously out of ideas and so sorry about that. Painful can't fully describe how you must feel. Love Phillipa
Posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 21:09:31
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 21:00:30
Thank you. It is very painful and yet it only really hits me at the holidays...what is even more painful is that I feel like no one around me understands why it is so painful..and that is weird to me because if you didn't know anything about your parents, or where you came from, wouldnt that upset you? My adoptive parents told me I was born at this one hospital and come to find out..when I was about 24..I found out that I wasnt born where they told me I was born...they even told me the wrong city...so I am 29 ..and all my life just about I thought I was born one place and I was wrong. I dont know ANYTHING. MY adoptive parents had NO IDEA where what the name of the hospital was that I was born at...I had to find out by researching and loacating the doctor that delievered me..and he told me.
I honestly feel like I cannot live in the world without finding out who she is. I feel so lost.
Thanks for your kind words though... :)
Posted by antigua3 on November 4, 2008, at 7:52:29
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Phillipa, posted by Amanda29 on November 3, 2008, at 19:49:34
I say this very kindly, Amanda.
Roadblocks are thrown in our way all the time, and sometimes instead of closing our mind because of all the negative things we hear, we have to choose hope and optimism.
What I'm saying is that you can find a way to do this. After all, you're a smart, intelligent young woman w/a great brain. Put it to work and find out as much as you can. Don't let "No" stop you--from the doctor, your father and anyone else who stands in your way. Maybe you should keep pushing until they start to give in just a little and you get some more information.
If you want to do this, truly, I think you will find a way. All I'm trying to say is that extraordinary people, which you are, find extraordinary ways to fulfill their dreams. Look around you; it happens all the time.
all that said, I know this seems like an insurmountable challenge, and it may be. But I think you'll feel better if you keep trying.
antigua
Posted by Amanda29 on November 4, 2008, at 11:26:32
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » Amanda29, posted by antigua3 on November 4, 2008, at 7:52:29
Thank you, but I have been trying in vain since I was about 23 years old...so for six years...I have ehausted all efforts. I have talked to the doctor that delivered me, I have called the hospital, I have filled out forms and gone on the internet searching, I have done everything I can think of. But, with my records being misplaced, and with me not having any names to go by, it makes it rather difficult.
I just need to get to a point where I can accept the fact that I may never find her...and right now, I just don't want to accept that.
Posted by antigua3 on November 4, 2008, at 11:52:13
In reply to Re: On the Verge of tears... » antigua3, posted by Amanda29 on November 4, 2008, at 11:26:32
Ok, that's fair. You have really tried. In some ways, I see our situations as similar. There's nothing I can do about the CSA, it happened, and now I'm learning to live with it, just as you are trying to live with the hand that has been dealt you.
You are grieving. Please let yourself feel these emotions, work on them in therapy, and maybe you will find a way to ease your pain.
I'm so really, really sorry. I wish I could say something to help.
antigua
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