Posted by Amanda29 on November 2, 2008, at 11:59:45
This is going to sound stupid and I am sorry but I have to ask. In therapy, my T and I have been discussing my birthmother (I was adopted) and my birthfamily...I have never known them and I have been trying to find things out..and the holidays make me a wreck becuse all I do is think about them. My adoptive family and I do not get along and haven't since I was about 21...and so every holiday season...I get really depressed and all I think about is being with the family that I have never known.....
anyway, I talked last thurs. to my T and ever since then, I have been on the verge of tears. I was in traffic yesterday and broke down crying. My thoughts in my head are SO STRONG that they affect me very strongly. But I cannot stop tearing up...and it is bothering me. I have alwasy suffered from depression but I am really having a hard time and NOTHING I am doing is helping me to stop crying.
I told my T that if I didnt eventually find my birthmother at least...I was gonig to one day hurt myself some how because the pain that I would inflict would be a lot better than the emotional pain I am experiencing.
I just cannot stand being in this world knowing that my mother is around here somewhere.
My T asked me why I dont mention my birthfather..and it isn't that I am not interested in him, but he wasn't at my birth...I know that much, and so I feel like he didn't care...but yet, that might not be the case..i do realize this. But also, I told him I have a good father figure in my life...I dont have a good mother figure (my adoptive mom and I never get along and our relationship is almost non existant..) so I am searching for he one woman who I feel I have a connection to ..and who could possibly been the missing link to my life...no..she is the missing link.
Even if my birth family does not want to know anything about me...I still need closure.
This topic brings me to tears..and no one understands how hard it is to not know anything about your birthparents...at least no one that I know...
I want to stop crying ...I want to be ok. My T wants me to cry in front of him about all of this but I can't and last Thursday he was "trying" to make me cry..I tend to smile and laugh instead of cry because I would rather do that then cry...and he was trying to make me stop smiling and laughing and well, I couldnt...He wants me to get in touch with my emotions...(I think I am) ..and I cannot stop crying...I just cannot cry in session which is the ONE PLACE where I SHOULD CRY.
I hate the holidays...Im sorry but, I dont know what to do with myself.