![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 14:42:46
I have expressed these feelings here before so I feel somewhat "nervy" to bring it up again. However, I think I realize my therapist will never love me like I want him to and as I feel for him. I don't like this but it is the reality. However, my feelings for him are still here. What will ever change this? It's been over 1 1/2 years of this. I am realizing my capacity to keep hoping for the impossible may be without limit. Its not a nice place to be. Has anyone else been in this place? The postings I read that in any way refer to this seem very poised, balanced, and reasonable. I am not.
Posted by raisinb on January 23, 2008, at 15:04:14
In reply to still miserable about love feelings for therapist, posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 14:42:46
Widget, I know how you feel. I felt this way for two years, so please don't feel bad about the length of time. I knew the "reality" of what I could expect, but I just couldn't get my feelings to agree (it is hard when your feelings INSIST that there is an intense connection, even harder when your therapist talks about how deep the connection is too--of course, she just meant therapy-wise, but still...).
I'm putting this in the past tense because my feelings seem to be dissipating, but it may be just as accurate to say they're "in remission" at the moment. They tend to jump back when I least expect it, usually when she is particularly emotional or caring.
I have no problem getting dates or partners and I do it so often that my friends call me a "dating junkie." I've been doing this because I am desperate to find someone who will take away my feelings for my therapist. I know this isn't realistic, but it's hard to know what else to do. I also sometimes feel like I should just take someone who loves *me* and accept I'm never going to love like I do for my T. I also wonder whether I'm even capable of "real" love because I can't shake this (or maybe I am, finally, I don't know). If I am, it's not because of anything I can rationally express at the moment. It's some kind of unconscious shift that might take me a while to verbalize.
Anyway, it's so tough. I know how you feel. Try not to beat up on yourself; that makes it worse.
Posted by star008 on January 23, 2008, at 16:40:23
In reply to still miserable about love feelings for therapist, posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 14:42:46
I felt the same way for along time.. I don't know how long it was but I didn't get over it quickly. My feelings have changed over time and I hope that yours do too.. It is so hard to deal with therapy and feeling the way that you do. It happens to alot of us. All you have to do is look back at posts and see that it is true.
Posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 16:49:16
In reply to Re: still miserable about love feelings for therapist, posted by raisinb on January 23, 2008, at 15:04:14
Dear Raisinb, thanks so much. I feel quite alone with this. Of course, my therapist is well aware. I keep waiting for him to get disgusted with me and tell me to move on! Fortunately, that doesn't or hasn't happened. Which, in a way, just makes him even more special a desirable. He has spent a lot of time talking with me about this. He feel it is just "transference" and I agree it is about 50% true and 50% plain old love. Can you really choose whom you love and when? Hasn't this been discussed in literature since mankind began recording the written word?
My father was mean and cold toward me. So, although I had a father, I didn't experience a warm and loving father. So, yes, my therapist is all that AND MORE because it is sexualized since, as he puts it, I am now an adult and this is how I interpret it. He once told me recently that my father should have adored me. Adored me? I said, "why can't you?" He responded that would be seriously inappropriate for him to do. All the boundary issues, etc. What I hear is, "well, because I don't adore you nor do I have any feelings for you beyond the fact that I am your doctor and you are my patient/client." I often think if I only knew that he DID have some attraction toward me as a woman but could in no way act upon it, I would be satisfied. However, He either does not harbor any such feelings (even just in his unconscious or in fantasy) or he feels it would be a huge boundary violation to admit it. I fear he just doesn't feel the same way toward me that I do toward him. And, what is so odd is how shocked this makes me. Sure, after all, he must be experiencing what I am experiencing. Hmmmm. I am no usually so "sure" of my devestating feminine wiles! Thanks for listening. I think that is it in a nutshell.
The "good" news is that I am working toward accepting that there is nothing I can say, do, act like, dress like, pretend to be that will change his mind. And, that is something. It offers some peace and I can just be myself which is what he asked me to do (since I said I would do anything to make him love me.) Wow, that feels nice to get out as no one, NO ONE, has heard this except him.
Good luck with your remission. I hope it lasts. It's like a jungle fever. Widget
Posted by Bodhisattva on January 24, 2008, at 8:56:57
In reply to Re: still miserable about love feelings for therapist » raisinb, posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 16:49:16
Those feelings will evolve. You'll always love your therapist. But the passionate feelings will move on as your sub-conscious gets used to the idea of "off-limits".
I've always thought how hard it must be for a therapist. Regular doctors are cold and impersonal, getting straight to the point and then leaving. They distance themselves so that they can remain functional even in the depths of the worst tragedy.
Therapists do not have that luxury, they are afloat in the sea of emotions of their patients.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to make any specific point here, just makes me wonder sometimes...
Posted by JoniS on January 24, 2008, at 9:09:01
In reply to still miserable about love feelings for therapist, posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 14:42:46
Dear Widget,
If you only knew how much like all of us you are. "us" meaning all of us who have had the priveldege of a long term therapy relationship.
"...Has anyone else been in this place? The postings I read that in any way refer to this seem very poised, balanced, and reasonable. I am not..."
Your feelings are soooo normal and common - it's part of the process for a lot of people. It seems like people are poised? ... reasonable?... that's funny...
Our feelings and expressions run the gammut. I would even venture to say that no one is any more poised... balanced... as you might be at different times. We all have our "ups and downs" its just that we are not all at the same place at the same time.I'm not communicating so well. I guess I just want to say, as raisin and star have, please dont be hard on yourself. Your feelings are completely natural (odd as that may seem) The struggle is to figure out how to process them. I guess that's where we grow. One thing that has helped me immensely is reading some good books about therapy. I have just finished one just today that I loved, it is called "the intimate hour" by susan bauer. Of course, a book can be very helpful to one person and not at all helpful to another. Maybe just look around, see what you find.
Try and 1) Embrace the fact that you are able to love another as intensely as you do - that says a lot about you 2) Don't try to figure out what your T thinks about you. (most likely he has some loving feelings for you as well) Just accept that he cares and leave it at that. 3) Ask yourself, what can I learn about myself from all of this? (afterall, that is why we go to therapy, right?)
I wish you well. It is difficult -- I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YA!
Joni
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 1, 2008, at 10:28:45
In reply to still miserable about love feelings for therapist, posted by widget on January 23, 2008, at 14:42:46
Dear Widget: I understand your feelings; after being in love with my t for over 5 years. I have a post you might want to read; it should be the last one; I believe you will resonate. It is titled: Still in Love with My T after Five years--I'm Back....
Smiles, Francesca
Posted by widget on February 4, 2008, at 12:53:08
In reply to Re: still miserable about love feelings for therap, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 1, 2008, at 10:28:45
Thanks, Francesca, I just read your post to me and your other post does resonate. Where we differ is in the response we get from our therapists. I truly wonder what I would do if my therapist said he WAS interested in me? I cannot say because it hasn't happened and I don't see it happening. But, what an interesting question! I feel like if I only knew that I was special to him, that he was at least somewhat "tempted" but would never act upon his urge, I would be satisfied. I will never really know, will I? He is a staunch believer in "boundaries" which theoretically I know should be good. But, there's this need in me that seems to want to keep pushing him on the issue but I am tired of his lack of response. He must get tired of me, too. But, as I said, I think he will never change so I am now dealing with the sadness and feeling of loss of what "could have been." He has acknowledged, so nicely, that someone(like me) who has difficulty trusting due to lack of proper parenting (father) would be attracted to someone (ie:him) who seems safe, caring, all the things the father was not. He is enormously kind and patient. And, that's it; that's what draws me to him and makes him irresistible. But, the reality is there and I must live with it. Too bad, at least, I think it's too bad. I really miss my fantasies about him. Thanks, again, for being so open. Widget
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 5, 2008, at 10:10:00
In reply to Re: still miserable about love feelings for therap » sassyfrancesca, posted by widget on February 4, 2008, at 12:53:08
Dear Widget: I never knew my father, and every man in my life abused/and/or abandoned me. My t told me that every man in my life had failed me. That is true.
I even had a whole church and pastor abandon me; that is a long story. After I got a divorce of 31 years of abuse; my church voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words; "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God."
A friend of mine mentioned (my now t), because he is an expert in spiritual abuse; that is how I met him; he journeyed with me while I fought the spiritual abusive system, and I have been with him ever since. I told him that I would rather be in pain WITH him, that in pain WITHOUT him; we have very frank, open, authentic discussions.
he is a man of such integrity, but he fights his feelings for me; and so we go back and forth (he drives me nuts with his inconsistency), and he said he knew he was "inconsistent!!"
Now, here is the kicker......I just joined the American Association of Counselors (as a student of psych. I can do that); I am going to the same convention as he is.....in HAWAII.......and I am going alone; I think he is too....more on that later.....I am open, and willing to discuss anything, so ask away if you wish!
Love, Francesca; again, feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com, and if you wish, I will send you what has gone on between us.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.