![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
We were scheduled to fly to my husbands' family for Christmas, but my daughter ended up with an ear infection, and we had to cancel. It would have been fun, probably. His brothers and sister and their children would have all been there. It has been years since we've all been together. We would have met our youngest niece, who is a year old. My daughter would have had a blast playing with her cousins.
On the darker side, my husband's mom is seriously depressed. And the whole family pretends to not know, and denies it. The last time we were there she spent the whole holiday hiding in a back room while everyone else opened present and had meals. She is no longer willing to travel, and even missed her youngest son's wedding recently. But these times are always explained away as that she "has a cough" or "needs to take care of her aunt". It's sad for me, because I can't buy into the denial.
My family is just as dysfunctional, in a different direction. We don't deny, but we're mean to each other. No punches are ever pulled, no failure politely ignored, no mistakes forgiven. We're a collection of boiling resentments just waiting for a chance to spill and burn each other. It can be scary and devastating to spend time with my family.
When we had to cancel our travel plans, our wonderful dear friends who are neighbors invited us over for Christmas dinner. Their whole family is local, and they had a huge turkey dinner, and massive piles of presents, and lively talk and laughter. They even gave us presents; must have been overflow from some of theirs. We felt like we were transported into the land of healthy, functional families who have picture book holidays.
We went home definitely cheered, but also feeling oddly empty. I feel like I voyeuristically experienced a Christmas that could never have been mine. Despite their warm welcome, I feel like we were intruders. And then also part of me wants to really be in their family. We've gotten to know them all over the years at various parties and events, so we are achingly close to being insiders. I can't really explain all of my mixed up, intense feelings about last night.
So, I'm sending my story out into babble land, in case someone else can relate.
peg
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 26, 2007, at 10:57:26
In reply to I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
Peg,
You were just caught up in the love and spirit of what Christmas is all about! It is okay to want to be part of this new "family."
Families can be made in many ways, through bith, adoption, informal relationships.... Embrace this new family. It sounds like they have more than enough love and room for you. Enjoy it! Tell your friend how you feel.
I'm not saying to abandon your "kin" family, but add this bit of normalacy. There is nothing wrong with it.
MB
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 26, 2007, at 10:57:35
In reply to I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
Sounds like you received a rather wonderful gift. I would keep these people in mind for future celebrations, as they sound like wonderful people.
Posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 11:52:48
In reply to I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
You know no matter how the circumstances a gift comes to you enjoy it. It sounds like you would have a nice time at your husband's family but it looks like fate smiled down on you anyway by sending you this wonderful replacement.
And while you said you went home and felt a like hollow afterwards try not to. Try to take a little of that wonderful selfishlessness that wonderful family of friends gave you when they embraced you on Christmas by just sharing all they had to share and keep it in your heart to remind you of what the true christmas spirit really is.
How Generous of them, and how wonderful of you to share it with us....thank you. I can picture it all. I will only hope I can meet some friends like that in the upcoming years!!!
What a wonderful gift. And I would plan on going to their house next year. LOL sounds like a really great time.
rsk
Posted by Dinah on December 26, 2007, at 16:13:42
In reply to I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
I've known families like that. :)
You say that you've grown very close to them, and that surely says something good about you as well? You've become part of their lives by their choice and yours. You can't help who you're born to.
I think the thing that I most took from those families is a vision of what I want in my family. I can't say we have taffy pulls or that we always eat delicious meals at the dining room table and I don't think we glow at all. But hugging and "I love you"'s and nightly reading are part of our family in part because of those wonderful families that let me into their lives - if not all the way then at least enough. They helped make me who I am today.
It sounds like a wonderful Christmas. :)
Posted by DAisym on December 26, 2007, at 18:34:19
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by Dinah on December 26, 2007, at 16:13:42
Hi Peg,
I think sometimes those kinds of experiences highlight what is missing in our own families and we feel that longing that never really goes all the way away. We might be able to identify the dysfunction in our families and even understand where it comes from but it never quite takes away that wish that things were (or are) different. And it aches.
And I also think that, as much as our own families can make us crazy, not being where you "should" be during the Holidays can you make you feel kind of sad too. The inside jokes, the predictable melt down, even the bad gravy, these things tell us we belong. At least for myself, I find it odd that I feel lonely without my family and they make me crazy when I'm with them. I remember these conflicting feelings when we would be at my husband's family, instead of "home" for the Holidays. Home, to me, was my family.
I imagine it does get all mixed up - having a good time and the after-taste of sadness. It will pass, I'm sure. And I like what Dinah wrote, about thinking about what you want to do with your own daughter - what traditions could be just yours? I had to laugh when my 22 year old came home and was upset that there wasn't an advent calendar for him. I said, "but you don't live here anymore..." and he pouted. Next year, I'll mail him one!
Take good care - Happy New Year.
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 20:39:20
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by MidnightBlue on December 26, 2007, at 10:57:26
Thanks, midnight. You're right. I mean, we were really there, and we really did participate, so why feel like it's somehow all not valid? We are definitely planning to keep including our wonderful neighbors in our lives. I wish I could include their entire extended family as well! They are truly beautiful people, and they do seem to like us.
peg
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 20:44:39
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by Bodhisattva on December 26, 2007, at 10:57:35
Yes, they are truly wonderful people. And we do always celebrate birthdays etc. with them. They are dear friends. It was indeed a wonderful gift.
I think it was their whole extended family that I was yearning to really "belong" in. And I think we do belong there as much as it's possible without actually being family members. They're so warm and welcoming (I mean the siblings and parents and everyone who was there last night, as well as our actual neighbors). I know I should be grateful, and I truly am.
peg
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 20:50:25
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 11:52:48
Oh, yes, maybe that's it! I want to go back next year! I think that's what feels empty; we don't belong in the sense that we can't plan to spend our holidays with them. I think we were invited in this year, because we were poor needy souls without our own Christmas plan. I don't want to bust in on all of their family celebrations and wear out their warm welcome.
peg
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by Dinah on December 26, 2007, at 16:13:42
Oh, thanks, Dinah. That's a lovely reminder. Yes, we can learn a lot from them. I want to have extra places at the table for friends in need and give emotion laden toasts at holiday dinners. And I want especially to be open to loving whoever shows up to be loved.
Including you, my babble friend.
peg
Posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 21:00:17
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by DAisym on December 26, 2007, at 18:34:19
Yes, I think you captured it pretty well. It was wonderful, magical, warm and glowing. And . . . it wasn't home. Home was out of reach this Christmas, and dysfunctional as it can be, home does have a specialness all its own.
I will definitely give some thought to what we can do in our own family to keep Christmas feeling special, no matter what we do. Traditions are truly important, aren't they?
peg
Posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 21:21:41
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 20:50:25
Yeah, i'd want a repeat visit too if it was me. but maybe you can try to recreate it yourself like you said. i don't think you were pour needy souls i think they invited you because they think you are witty brilliant souls that added an extra sparkle to their otherwise dull affair!!! that is what i think.......lol
rsk
Posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 18:47:09
In reply to I just had someone else's beautiful christmas, posted by pegasus on December 26, 2007, at 9:47:39
That sounds wonderful peg.
And you gave back to them too by accepting their invitation!
It feels GOOD to give and share!
Mebbe see how you feel next year and decide what you might do.
If you feel stron enuf, mebbe you might want to have a celebration one night and invite others...
Or mebbe go to your friends...
Or whatever.
I am glad you had a good time.
I have had good christmases with my foo (familiy of origin), and I don't remmeber them when younger, but older I remember. Sometimes they were OK and fun mostly. I expect to an outsider they may have seemed dreamily wonderful. But there's always something every year.....but we party on.
I kinda just hang on the outskirts of it all....wishing I could drink. Observing it all. But it was not bad really...
Oh heck, I dunno WTF I saying.
Just glad you had a great time. Bet your friends are thrilled you had a good time too!
M
Posted by pegasus on January 1, 2008, at 20:41:36
In reply to Re: I just had someone else's beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 21:21:41
Ha ha. That's great. I'll just try to imagine that that's the way it went! Why not! If we think they're wonderful and special, maybe they think we are too, in our differentness.
peg
Posted by pegasus on January 1, 2008, at 20:46:05
In reply to Re: I just had my own beautiful christmas » pegasus, posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 18:47:09
Thanks muffy. I'm glad you had a good holiday also. And that's a good reminder that just because it looked perfect to us outsiders, there is probably all kinds of their own family stuff that they deal with also.
In fact, my friend already gave me a hint the other day about the grandma being a bit of a know-it-all, and one of the sisters always being a martyr. So, I know they have their interpersonal challenges too. But it was truly lovely seeing them all acting so loving and supportive to each other, and appreciating each other. That's what I'm going to aspire to in my own family.
peg
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.