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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
I've been having a very hard time of things the last week. Horrible sadness - despair, hopelessness, pain, emptiness, suicidal thoughts and dreams. I spend hours curled up in bed. I feel so detached :(
I like babble - it has brought me a lot since I came across the site and started posting but still I find it impossible to be involved when I most need the help. I just retreat inside myself - it's pathetic. I wish I could be more active here like many of you are - that I could stick around so that others could know me, but before I know it I'm back down again in the depths and isolate myself.
I came on the other day with the aim of posting - bottled out - instead settling for a less emotive post about Bob's choice of cautioning one poster over another - I hated it when someone is treated unfair. I want to post at times when I'm really hurting but I don't know how to find the words. Big mess. I suppose this is a start.
I'm sorry for this stupid post. I'm sure most of you are thinking "who the hell is this person anyway - who does she think she is coming on here, posting a few times, and then disappearing again?" - the fact is the people who post here mean a lot to me and when I'm not posting for what seems like ages, I still read your posts and think about you.
Witti
Posted by happyflower on October 14, 2007, at 15:56:35
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
ohhh Witty, you are not stranger! I tend to withdrawl too , but in time I started to post about my stuff, the really dark stuff. So it might take time until you feel comfortable. It is okay, not to post. But if you not talking to anyone , that that is a concern.
What is going on therapy? Are your feelings related to that or something else? I am so sorry you are hurting so bad.
Well I am one glad when you come around on the boards! I also love to chat with you! You are a neato person! ;-) Is there anything we can do to help you?
Posted by Sigismund on October 14, 2007, at 15:58:40
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
>"who the hell is this person anyway - who does she think she is coming on here, posting a few times, and then disappearing again?"
Hey, it should be so easy to reassure you. *Nothing* like that had crossed my mind.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 16:00:06
In reply to Re: Hurting » Wittgenstein, posted by Sigismund on October 14, 2007, at 15:58:40
Posted by Sigismund on October 14, 2007, at 16:11:39
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
Posted by Poet on October 14, 2007, at 18:35:05
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
Hi Witti,
I don't think your post is stupid. I isolate when I'm more depressed (being dysthymic, I'm always depressed on a low level) and even though I would like support from babble I start posts and then delete them without submitting them.
Please don't beat yourself up for not posting, you are in pain and I know how horrible that is from my own experience.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 18:40:02
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
dear sweet witty... you know how much i wish you could go easier on yourself. It never ceases to amaze me how those of us who have been mistreated carry on into adult life mistreating ourselves. It's horribly unfair.
you have such a big heart, and you choose your words wisely. This is a community witty, it's not an obligation to respond or be there everytime.. i do feel sad that you weren't able to reach out when you needed it, but you're doing it now right? That's a step forward.
you know i will be thinking about you... keep talking if you feel up to it. You're always welcome here (if anyone says different, send them my way!)
Posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 19:13:09
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
Please don't feel bad about not posting- I do the same, too.
I come on here and really mean to= but then I think that others post better, wiser things... and I think what I say might even make things worse for someone else. So I don't. And I feel bad that I'm not being supportive.
So, see? there are others here in the same situation, too!
Your post has prompted me to say something for the first time in weeks.Yeah, I know what you mean- everyone here means a lot to me too- I wish there was a good way to let them know.
arora
Posted by Daisym on October 14, 2007, at 20:38:30
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
Do you know why you are hurting so much right now? It might help to tell a bit of what you know.
No one here keeps track of things - it is an ebb and flow. I'm glad you felt like you could reach out, even if it was with just your baby toe.
Isolating is not good for you. I know this all too well. And if the suicidal feelings are in your dreams as well, it is time to talk with someone about this. Can you talk to your therapist about these feelings? I know it gets scary - I hate the "do you have a plan?" question...but it helps let the steam off if you can be honest about it.
Exercise, nutrition and water - all very basic, but all very helpful when you feel so bad. And hugs too!
(((Witti))) -- I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by RealMe on October 14, 2007, at 21:04:15
In reply to Hurting, posted by Wittgenstein on October 14, 2007, at 15:51:22
It is quite understandable to withdraw, and I certainly don't think it means you don't care. I sometimes do not have time or else I feel too crappy myself to say much of anything. I have not felt so hot myself, and lots of people are saying the same thing. Must be something in the water. Don't worry. I would only recommend getting out of the bed even when you don't feel like it. I used to be told that all the time when I was a patient at Menninger's.
I can still hear my hospital doctor and later my therapist, the one who died, saying for me to get out of bed and get busy with something. I cannot tell you how much I hate doing puzzles these days as that was the only thing I could do was try to focus on that damn stuff and keep myself occupied with something.
RealMe
Posted by Phillipa on October 14, 2007, at 22:09:57
In reply to Re: Hurting - poss trigger » Wittgenstein, posted by Daisym on October 14, 2007, at 20:38:30
Witti I agree with the other posters one baby step at a time and then maybe a step backwards that's fine as then you will go forward again. And I agree if suicide is also in your dreams you should discuss this with you therapist. Are you in a safe place with someone to talk to at home? Phillipa
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 4:44:18
In reply to Re: Hurting - poss trigger, posted by Phillipa on October 14, 2007, at 22:09:57
Thank you for your support - it's given me a boost. I should realise we're all in the same boat.
My T's been away the last week. In 2 weeks I will go and stay 5 days with my parents, which is triggering for me (the week before that, I will be away so won't have access to my T) - I was meant to stand up to them and avoid the trip but as usual I buckled under the pressure - it's been bad timing that my T has been away - of course he has every right to have a week off but I feel kind of angry with him (haven't felt quite like this before).
I'm not sure if anxiety about visiting my parents is what it's all about (to be honest I can't even think/feel anything about that now) - my sadness feels abstract - deep sense of grieving - it's been particularly intense the last couple of weeks - this week worse than last. So hard to explain it - like being trapped inside myself - feelings with no outlet. I feel so awful yet I can't cry. I just act like a robot/zombie. I suppose I have a lot of fear and emotion going on but I'm suppressing it and hence it's materialising as this generalised feeling of grief. A less than successful means of avoiding and dissociating.
I know I should keep myself busy but when I'm doing things, I don't feel like I'm there - like I'm watching it in third person via a video-link. It's funny, last night I had a vivid dream of playing these old computer puzzles.
Witti
Thank you for your support
Posted by rskontos on October 15, 2007, at 10:36:51
In reply to Thank you, posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 4:44:18
Witti, I know how you feel to. I have not been posting since I felt like I had nothing to offer. I was down. I was finally coming out of it when my father called and took the wind out of my sails.
I can't offer much to make you feel better except to say I understand how you feel. It is hard isn't yet. I sleep late and still can't get up. But Real Me is right just getting up and doing something helps. I struggle with just getting up and thank goodness I have my dogs that need to go out or I might not get up.
I hope support and understanding helps because I can offer that. I hope your day turns around. I really understand about visiting parents. Right now I would find that a trigger too. Do you have to go, can you opt out some way? Maybe when your T is bad he can help you get past this enought to go. I too isolate. IN fact today I was not going to post I was just going to read and go back to my own isolation but your post made me want to try and offer some support so I thank you too. We don't need to isolate ourselves. For some reason, Babble makes me feel better when my own family doesn't. Take care, let's us know how you feel because we do care. See all the different posters that told you so!!!!
Posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:50:44
In reply to Thank you, posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 4:44:18
"So hard to explain it - like being trapped inside myself - feelings with no outlet."
i may be completely off base... but i think this is a side effect of therapy.. especially if the process is working. Feelings begin to trickle and sometimes they flood... but there is no real "stop" mechanism. When the outlet is removed (T away) or you have some other sort of block or defense... the feelings build up behind that dam.
i hope you can find ways to maintain your strength, you have more than you give yourself credit for.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 17:22:25
In reply to Re: Thank you, posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:50:44
Yes I can see how that can be the case and perhaps my T being away has exacerbated my feelings of sadness but I don't believe this in itself to be the chief reason - I get like this frequently - I just plummet and nothing can stop it - whether T is there or not - he can help me for a day or so but then it comes back just as bad. In times like this, more or less everything can be triggering. My mood is generally low but I get these acute episodes which sap the life out of me. I also get 'attacks' which usually last 30 minutes to an hour (which can happen when I seem to be doing just fine or when I'm already feeling horrible) and they are awful - can't bear light, noise, movement - total emotional overload - I just wrap myself up in a dark place and shake. It's like trying to take an unbearable physical pain - you grit your teeth and use all your energy just to hold on. The difference is that physical pain like that usually ends quickly and you know how long you have to hold out.
I feel bad for my T - it can't be that rewarding working with someone who repeatedly comes back looking just as bad - complaining of the same despair.
I'm glad this thread has enabled some posters to post again - it does seem to get harder to come back and post the longer we put it off. I'm such an avoider at times :(
Witti
Posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 17:42:21
In reply to Re: Thank you, posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 17:22:25
i smiled witty, i am sorry... i just couldn't help but wonder what sort of people you think see him besides yourself... all well adjusted and perfectly ok? This is what he does.. he knows full well people can come back over and over without huge improvements. And maybe there are improvements you don't see but he does.. subtle ones.
your "episodes" concern me witty... have you told pdoc that is what happens?
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 16, 2007, at 6:42:58
In reply to Re: Thank you » Wittgenstein, posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 17:42:21
Yes, I don't know what I think and expect really. I saw him today and talking did help - it soothed the pain somewhat - hope it lasts at least a while.
Suddenly I have the image of a therapy advert like a toothpaste advert... "Quick-fix therapy limited - the perfect option for perfect people - just twice a week and within a few months you'll be feeling a whole lot better and so will we!" - and a patient grinning (with a little twinkle in his eye) and shaking hands with an equally grinning therapist. Contrived music in the background. Some children running in a field of daisies hugging their mummy and daddy.
A few sessions ago, I sensed my T was annoyed with one of his other patients. There's a lady who comes every other week for a double session (she lives some way away) - every now and again I have to come at a different time because her session clashes with mine. I don't mind this as I'm flexible with time. Anyway, I came for a Friday session in the afternoon (instead of the morning) and he said something like "next week back to the usual times - after all that the lady I mentioned didn't even turn up for her double session this morning". It made me feel awkward - of course I don't know who she is but I still felt he'd told more than he should - I said it didn't matter - it was no problem for me to come at a different time. Of course it's nicer to have a fixed time - I find morning sessions tend to go better than afternoons - feel less anxious.
How did you session go today Dory??
Witti
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