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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
I had a session on Friday and I was having a really hard time afterwards - so scared he didn't like me anymore and that he was leaving, etc. We had talked about it in session and I think that some of that may have prompted the fear. That, and my anxiety is back in force lately (switching meds, but I think that's making it worse right now, not better - hopefully it evens out soon).
So Friday night I called my T and asked if he could call me. Then a few hours later I called in tears apologizing for calling and saying please call me, I'm scared you're leaving, I need to talk to you. He called me back like an hour later and we had a really great conversation. I was in tears, and he was just great. I answered the phone and he asked me what was going on, and I said I was scared, and immediately started apologizing. He said, "It's ok to be scared. You have a hard time believing that anyone could be happy to be there to support you, but I am. It's part of our arrangement, our relationship, and it's really ok for you to call me."
We talked about maybe going and hanging out in my friend's room next door to feel not so alone with all my feelings. And he said, "You know, we're problem solving it never ever has anything to do with me going away or not wanting to see you or anything. You know that right? Sometimes I'm afraid to bring things up because that's such a fear of yours. I'm not going anywhere, this is just ways that you can make a better life for yourself."
I said I was just so sad and felt like I wanted so much and it would be too much and push him away. And he said, "Can you think of something you want right now?" And I said, "I don't know if this will make sense or not..." and he said, kind of teasing me, "Has that ever been a criteria for us?" I said, "I kind of feel like I want to be inside you. Does that make any sense?" He said, "Yeah it does. I think it's really cool you said that because most people wouldn't say that. It means you want to be inside me and have me carry you around wherever I go. Because you trust that I'm strong enough to protect you, but you don't trust that you're strong enough to protect you. And that's ok to want that. It won't last forever. Eventually you'll be able to trust that you're strong enough. But it's fine right now to want that."
And I asked if I was doing good enough and he said, "Yes. This isn't something you're going to be graded on. This is just wherever you are, you are. You try so hard when you're in my office, you're open to suggestion, you work on things outside the therapy room, we've developed a system for what to do when you're getting lost, [he listed some more things I can't remember], you work really hard. I saw a woman today who just sat there and said, 'I don't know. I don't know' and didn't try at all. And then I think of you and you work so so hard every single time you're in my office. It just takes a long time to heal this trauma stuff, and it's really really really hard. It sucks, but it's really hard."
And I said, "And hard things take a long time sometimes, right?"
And he said, "Yup, they do. This definitely fits in that category. This is really hard work you're doing, and you're doing a great job. Do you think that you can go read in your friend's room?"
I said, "I think I can."
And he said, "I think you can do it, too. Hang in there. I know it must sound really lame to keep hearing that, because it's so hard to feel like you're feeling. But I really want you to keep hanging in there. I'll see you soon."
And we hung up. It was a great conversation. I walked into my friends room and asked if I could hang out and she said, "Sure" and I immediately started crying again, but I could remember my T's words and that he believed in me and liked me and cared about me, and it's been holding me together all weekend.
I guess I kind of wrote this so I'd have a record, but comments are welcome too. I miss my T so much. I can't wait to see him again Tuesday.
sunnydays
Posted by LadyBug on September 23, 2007, at 23:28:04
In reply to called my T... great conversation, posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
I'm glad you shared this. You are doing good work and your T is good for you. You will get past this stage in therapy. I've been there and it's painful. I'm slow but my relationship with my T finally feels good and not so painful anymore. I never thought I'd get here.
You're determined to work hard and you will get to where it feels better and you don't miss him so much. I think it's great you could tell him you want to be inside him. I'm sure he understands. There is nothing wrong with missing him and wanted to feel your connection to him.
I remember in the beginning of our work, I'd panic every Friday because I didn't know where my T would be on the weekend. I knew she was in her office Monday through Friday, but the weekend always caused me anxiety. She and I came up with something that helped me over come that fear. Every Friday she wrote me a note on some stationary and sent it to me in the mail. It was in a Lavender colored envelope which I grew to love the color lavender. I looked forward every week for over a year to her note to me. I would carry it in my pocket for days and read it many times. It gave me strength to get through and it also taught me that she was there for me, I could count on her no matter what. I learned a lot. I still have those notes in a box, put away.
I know from your post your T cares very much about you. I can tell he means a lot to you and is helping you through.
Keep hanging in there as he told you to do. You can do it. I hope you feel better by now.
LadyBug
Posted by RealMe on September 24, 2007, at 0:10:26
In reply to called my T... great conversation, posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
That was very courageous of you, and I am so glad your T responded the way he did. He sounds like a fantastic therapist, and he also made it clear he is not leaving and going anywhere. That's great too. Take care, and yes I too know how hard it is to do the work in therapy, and you sure did work hard--glad T recognizes this too. Take care.
RealMe
Posted by Daisym on September 24, 2007, at 2:07:16
In reply to Re: called my T... great conversation » sunnydays, posted by RealMe on September 24, 2007, at 0:10:26
I love your post - so sweet and warm. It made me smile.
I do think eventually you will be able to internalize your therapist. But it is equally important that you feel held in his mind - something most kids get from their parents. It is a way of knowing you matter and your well being is important to someone. It makes you real and solid. I'm glad he can do that for you.
It is nice that you have friends to help too. Keep working on expanding that social system so that you aren't so alone.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 6:42:11
In reply to called my T... great conversation, posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
i'm really glad you had such a good conversation and it is such a good idea to keep a record of it. i have to figure out a way to get my T's messages off my phone.
i'm the same way with goals with my T... everytime he tries to bring them up i flip out. i think you and i both know they are trying to help us learn to be strong, but it is so frightening right?
i think you're doing great sunny.
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2007, at 8:27:29
In reply to Re: called my T... great conversation » sunnydays, posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 6:42:11
I'm a master at saving voicemail messages. Is your answering machine digital?
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2007, at 8:29:24
In reply to called my T... great conversation, posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
Your therapist is so consistently warm and supportive, Sunny. I think it's great that he's helping you learn to internalize him.
Ladybug is right. It does seem to mellow with time. But in the meantime, I'm glad your therapist is who he is.
This is the end of the thread.
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