Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2007, at 22:28:04
I had a session on Friday and I was having a really hard time afterwards - so scared he didn't like me anymore and that he was leaving, etc. We had talked about it in session and I think that some of that may have prompted the fear. That, and my anxiety is back in force lately (switching meds, but I think that's making it worse right now, not better - hopefully it evens out soon).
So Friday night I called my T and asked if he could call me. Then a few hours later I called in tears apologizing for calling and saying please call me, I'm scared you're leaving, I need to talk to you. He called me back like an hour later and we had a really great conversation. I was in tears, and he was just great. I answered the phone and he asked me what was going on, and I said I was scared, and immediately started apologizing. He said, "It's ok to be scared. You have a hard time believing that anyone could be happy to be there to support you, but I am. It's part of our arrangement, our relationship, and it's really ok for you to call me."
We talked about maybe going and hanging out in my friend's room next door to feel not so alone with all my feelings. And he said, "You know, we're problem solving it never ever has anything to do with me going away or not wanting to see you or anything. You know that right? Sometimes I'm afraid to bring things up because that's such a fear of yours. I'm not going anywhere, this is just ways that you can make a better life for yourself."
I said I was just so sad and felt like I wanted so much and it would be too much and push him away. And he said, "Can you think of something you want right now?" And I said, "I don't know if this will make sense or not..." and he said, kind of teasing me, "Has that ever been a criteria for us?" I said, "I kind of feel like I want to be inside you. Does that make any sense?" He said, "Yeah it does. I think it's really cool you said that because most people wouldn't say that. It means you want to be inside me and have me carry you around wherever I go. Because you trust that I'm strong enough to protect you, but you don't trust that you're strong enough to protect you. And that's ok to want that. It won't last forever. Eventually you'll be able to trust that you're strong enough. But it's fine right now to want that."
And I asked if I was doing good enough and he said, "Yes. This isn't something you're going to be graded on. This is just wherever you are, you are. You try so hard when you're in my office, you're open to suggestion, you work on things outside the therapy room, we've developed a system for what to do when you're getting lost, [he listed some more things I can't remember], you work really hard. I saw a woman today who just sat there and said, 'I don't know. I don't know' and didn't try at all. And then I think of you and you work so so hard every single time you're in my office. It just takes a long time to heal this trauma stuff, and it's really really really hard. It sucks, but it's really hard."
And I said, "And hard things take a long time sometimes, right?"
And he said, "Yup, they do. This definitely fits in that category. This is really hard work you're doing, and you're doing a great job. Do you think that you can go read in your friend's room?"
I said, "I think I can."
And he said, "I think you can do it, too. Hang in there. I know it must sound really lame to keep hearing that, because it's so hard to feel like you're feeling. But I really want you to keep hanging in there. I'll see you soon."
And we hung up. It was a great conversation. I walked into my friends room and asked if I could hang out and she said, "Sure" and I immediately started crying again, but I could remember my T's words and that he believed in me and liked me and cared about me, and it's been holding me together all weekend.
I guess I kind of wrote this so I'd have a record, but comments are welcome too. I miss my T so much. I can't wait to see him again Tuesday.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:784759
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/784759.html