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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
Things are still really, really hard. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do. This is "alone" in an entirely different way and it seems unbearable. An enormous part of my support is just gone and I am lost.
I'm sorry for being such a whiner. I know there's really nothing anyone can do. I just don't know what else to do with this mountain of hurt.
Posted by Honore on August 9, 2007, at 14:20:44
In reply to Pain, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
I'm sorry you feel so bad, jammer. Maybe talking about it a little would help. Sometimes when you let people closer, they can alleviate some of the worst fears or imaginings about yourself, and even, in small ways, the aloneness.
Is there some of what happened that you can share? I know everyone here has been through something similar at one time or another; and maybe we can let you know that you're not alone with the feelings.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 9, 2007, at 16:01:57
In reply to Re: Pain » jammerlich, posted by Honore on August 9, 2007, at 14:20:44
Jammer,
I agree with Honore. You're not alone. We can't be there with you, but we care about you.I know the temptation to isolate onesself when in pain. It can be dangerous, though, because these are the moments when reaching out can help us the most.
I'm glad you're reaching out a little bit. When you're ready to share more, I'd be happy to hear you. Or you can just keep us up to date that you're still around.
Whining- what you're doing isn't whining. Don't even entertain that idea!
hugs,
-Ll
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 9, 2007, at 19:33:27
In reply to Pain, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
I'm so sorry, Jammer. I wish I could take away the pain.
I don't want to push you, but I'm wondering if you should at least consider looking for a new T. Someone more open than the last one. I know Ts are just interchangeable, but I think you got shortchanged and I think a T who's a better fit is probably out there somewhere.
Whatever you do, I'll support you. And again, I'm sorry it's so hard right now.
Posted by DAisym on August 9, 2007, at 22:54:31
In reply to Pain, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
Jammer,
I'm sorry you are hurting. Perhaps you don't have to *do* anything with this hurt except to just acknowledge it as legitimate grief and let yourself cry. Separation is hard, even when it is the right thing to do. We grieve for what was good and we grieve for all the unspoken fantasies. And we grieve for the part of ourself we gave to this other, trusted person.
Grief does eventually ease off. I hope you can find ways to soothe yourself and try to keep yourself in the company of others. I understand the need to stay in bed all day. I also know that I never feel better doing that. Doing things helps, even if it is unpacking and organizing.
I wish I could help more.
hugs,
Daisy
Posted by OzLand on August 9, 2007, at 23:05:24
In reply to Re: Pain » jammerlich, posted by TherapyGirl on August 9, 2007, at 19:33:27
Yes; I agree with TherapyGirl. There is someone out there. I miss my old therapist in some ways, but I had to find someone who could REALLY help. I think I said in a post elsewhere that the other night I called my old therapist's two offices in Chicago and Evanston and listened to his message. He sounded rushed. I never noticed that before. Was strange hearing his voice. No regrets though it was painful and still is from time to time. Is getting better, but I am not sure how I would be had I not looked for and found a new therapist. Please keep talking. Isolating, I know from experience, is so tempting and so couterproductive. I am not a hugger and am uncomfortable with real hugs, but I will try - ((((jammerlich)))). Take care.
OzLand
Posted by slugdoo on August 10, 2007, at 10:08:11
In reply to Re: Pain, posted by DAisym on August 9, 2007, at 22:54:31
Perhaps you don't have to *do* anything with this hurt except to just acknowledge it as legitimate grief and let yourself cry. Separation is hard, even when it is the right thing to do. We grieve for what was good and we grieve for all the unspoken fantasies. And we grieve for the part of ourself we gave to this other, trusted person.
>
Wow, Daisy this is so true, thank you for saying that, it is exactly how i feel too, I am grieving the loss.> Grief does eventually ease off. I hope you can find ways to soothe yourself and try to keep yourself in the company of others. I understand the need to stay in bed all day. I also know that I never feel better doing that. Doing things helps, even if it is unpacking and organizing.
Yeah, this is what my T would say too, to do something, it sometimes help, but sometimes we just need to stay in bed. I really appreciate your words to Jammer, it is helping me feel okay for crying my eyes out.
Posted by slugdoo on August 10, 2007, at 10:15:07
In reply to Pain, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
Yeah, I understand the mountain of hurt. I think I have never felt this much hurt in my life, maybe more than when I found out my DH cheated on me.
I guess I would say to just feel the pain, it will get better, at least I hope it does. Moving on to a new T is helping me already only after one session. He understands I need help with this and we are going to talk more about my termination with my T .
BUt I feel I needed to do what was best to me. I am wondering what happened in your session. I remember your T was thinking about if it was okay to need her. Whatever she did, I feel like wacking her over the head and I have never hit anyone before. (maybe I am projecting myself here). I am calling my T a coldhearted robot right now, because I am still angry, but hopefully that will cease too. Are you angry too?
Posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2007, at 11:53:09
In reply to Re: Pain » jammerlich, posted by Honore on August 9, 2007, at 14:20:44
Jammer sorry don't know you're theraphy history are you done completely or looking for someone else? Love Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2007, at 15:50:22
In reply to Re: Pain, posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2007, at 11:53:09
Jammer,
I'm sorry it's still so painful. I think what others have said about grief is really important. I think it's a bit of a different animal than other kinds of hurt in some ways. And what you went through certainly would be likely to lead to grieving, no doubt.
I know it can feel like the pain can never end, that there cannot ever be any soothing or relief. That's actually one sign to me that I'm grieving something--that feeling that the pain hasn't lessened at all, that it feels like a fresh wound whenever I think of it, sometimes that I still just can't believe that what happened did happen. In my experience, it can feel like I'm stuck in that initial pain and almost keep repeating it over and over. And I feel like I don't know what to "do with" that pain or that it's an unsurmountable obstacle.
What I've learned helps is to talk about it with someone you trust, someone who cares, someone who can listen attentively and lovingly. That helps move you from that first phase to acceptance. Acceptance isn't forgiveness, but it is coming to terms with what happened. That it did happen, that it did/does hurt, and that it's had an impact of some kind on you. For some reason, moving there helps stop that sort of initial pain loop. You are more able to let it go in time and not have it be so prominent in your day to day experiences. It doesn't mean that there isn't still pain or hurt, but it becomes more manageable and a smaller part of you as the rest of you expands again.
So please talk to us or to whomever you trust if it helps. You are loved.
Take care,
gg
Posted by muffled on August 11, 2007, at 0:23:59
In reply to Pain, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2007, at 9:45:56
((((((((((((((((((((Jammer)))))))))))))Dunno how it went, but it don't sound good. But mebbe you will find a T that is a better 'fit' for you eventually. But this has got to be SO freaking hard, I'm sorry.
Take extra special care of yourself.
Muffled
Posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 9:54:44
In reply to Re: Pain, posted by DAisym on August 9, 2007, at 22:54:31
>>>>And we grieve for the part of ourself we gave to this other, trusted person.
Oh, Daisy, this is so very true. And I am so full of anguish and regret over what I gave. I guess, in lots of ways, I feel foolish now about doing it.
>>>> Grief does eventually ease off. I hope you can find ways to soothe yourself and try to keep yourself in the company of others.
One thing that really stinks is that my list of "others" is short. And I don't feel very motivated to go out and do something about that.
>>>>Doing things helps, even if it is unpacking and organizing.
I'm having an especially hard time with this. I haven't unpacked a single box. Doing so would mean resigning myself to the fact that THIS is where I live, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. I still haven't even bought a refrigerator. Making decisions is just too hard.
>>>> I wish I could help more.
The fact that you wrote helps a lot.
Jammer
Posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 9:58:39
In reply to Re: Pain » TherapyGirl, posted by OzLand on August 9, 2007, at 23:05:24
I hope the cyber hug wasn't too hard to give. I appreciate it a lot, especially knowing they don't come easily for you.
I'm so sorry about the violation of your privacy, Oz. It's beyond horrible. I hope you're able to find a way to be here in a way that feels safe for you. You are an important part of babble.
Jammer
Posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:03:08
In reply to Re: Pain » jammerlich, posted by slugdoo on August 10, 2007, at 10:15:07
Yes, I understand what you mean about this being harder than finding out your husband's infidelity. I've felt this has been more difficult than the events of the last year with my own husband. There's just been way too much loss for me lately.
Thank you for writing. And for being there in chat. I hope things continue to go well with your new T.
Posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:20:20
In reply to Re: Pain, posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2007, at 15:50:22
gg, thank you so, so much. In reading what you wrote, I think you really understand the emotions I'm going through right now. And feeling understood helps a lot.
I do feel stuck in the pain. Or, that it WILL be back, even if it eases from time to time. The variability of my moods is the worst part, I think. I go from feeling reasonably decent to suicidal in a matter of hours and it's really scary. I'm not used to that. I think I prefer just feeling consistently bad, because the OK times are filled with fear of the "ick" and impending doom I know are just around the corner.
I have tried talking about it some irl, but people just don't seem to understand this. Even people I know who are in therapy. Mostly, I get bewildered looks and end up feeling worse for having opened up. My ex has actually been very nice; but, as hard as he tries, he's just not very good with words. Or maybe there's just nothing else for him to say. I've been leaning on him a lot; I fear it's too much for one person and that he is becoming weary of me.
I've talked about it some in chat, which has been helpful. People are very supportive. I just have a hard time taking it all in and believing their words to be true. I don't know why I'm having a hard time posting about it. I'm no stranger to posting a play-by-play of my sessions. But, this is different somehow, and I'm not sure why.
Thank you again, gg. Your post meant a lot to me.
Jammer
Posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:32:28
In reply to Re: Pain » jammerlich, posted by muffled on August 11, 2007, at 0:23:59
You have each been constant responders to my pleas for help over the last few weeks and I appreciate each of you more than you know. I have found much comfort in knowing that, whenever I write, you guys are likely to show up with reassuring words.
I hope it's not offensive that I'm making a group response. It's only because the message is the same. You are all important to me and I have such warm feelings for each of you.
Jammer
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 12, 2007, at 10:36:25
In reply to Honore, Llurpsie, TG, and muffled, posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:32:28
Not offensive at all, Jammer. I think about you all during the day, hoping you are hanging on.
I really, really hate that this happened to you and wish I could fix it for you.
Take good care of yourself, okay?
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 12, 2007, at 13:16:17
In reply to Honore, Llurpsie, TG, and muffled, posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:32:28
Aww, Jammer,
I have warm feelings for you too. I hope you can find something to look forward to. I know boxes can be daunting. Just think- one thing at a time. It takes a while to make a new home.-Ll
Posted by sunnydays on August 12, 2007, at 14:22:35
In reply to Honore, Llurpsie, TG, and muffled, posted by jammerlich on August 12, 2007, at 10:32:28
Hi jammer,
I just moved too, so I feel your pain with the boxes. I've been trying to make myself push through them because I feel accomplished when I get a box emptied, but it's so so hard. I would say a refrigerator might be a good first priority so you can store food... otherwise as long as you have the essentials unpacked, the rest can sit in boxes as long as you need it to.((((jammer))))
sunnydays
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