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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
Ughhhh what a giant waste of my time! At first I had "worthless" instead of "not helpful" in the subject line, but I guess it's not totally worthless... I do enjoy the attention and having someone to gossip with. But as far as actually therapeutic intervention whatever goes... yeah, worthless.
I have a lot going on this past week or so. I've been really overwhelmed and dealing with some SI urges mostly just because there was so much building inside me and no where to get it out. I'm only seeing my T every 10 days or so now (temporary scheduling problems, but its happened several times in a row) and I was REALLY looking forward to getting some of this out when I saw her yesterday. I was hesitantly hopeful I guess... I know that often I go in hoping for something and leave feeling unheard, but I was really prepared to talk and try to be real.
Well, it didnt happen. After she asked how I was, I said that I'd had a hard week and listed the reasons why (thinking of quitting my job, possibly pregnancy and relationship issues with that, the Laurie situation, any other smaller things). Any of the above would have been good to talk about. We talked for about 5 min about Laurie... basically I said what happened and then we moved on. Didnt talk about work at all. Talked for a little while about the pregnancy issue and whether I want to be pregnant, what has been happening in my relationship, etc.. but all from a very cognitive perspective. Relationship discussions are always more gossip like than therapy like... "and what did he do?!" type stuff. Not helpful. Then we talked for at least 20 min about my living situation... a situation that is interesting to others I guess, but not bad and a complete non-issue for me. She was asking me all about the specifics.. "wjhat if youre in the living room and she comes home? do you interact then? do you share milk?" Who cares? We'd had a great talk last time about the possibility of confronting Anne, and it was no where near over, so if she was scrambling for topics, why not go for that? But she shouldnt have been scrambling anyway...
I know it's my responsibility to lead the session and talk about what I need to talk about. I really do. But I told her right in the first 5 minutes... and I tried to talk about them... the problem is, I dont always know what to say or how to verbalize it all. I need her to help me talk about it..not just move on the second I finish the story and dont follow it up with anything. At the end of the session, she commented that shes glad I'm doing so much better, even after a hard day or 2 last week.. I gave her a weird look and she said, "oh, you're not?" I want to beat my head against the wall. I TRIED to tell you! I did tell her I was having a hard week. I never said it had gotten better. I truly feel like I'm being pretty open and clear. Sometimes I think we've become friends as much as anything else and shes just not hearing with her theraueptic hat anymore. I dont know how else I could have told her what was going on any more clearly.
I've told her lots of times that I feel like she doesnt hear me and that we're not on the same page. I've told her I'm frustrated. It doesnt seem to make any difference. I dont really want to complain again. It just drives that wedge in even further. I really, really like this woman.. I think we could be great as friends.. but why is she missing the point?! I'm trying so hard to be real...
I know that I contribute to this. I dont ACT upset... even when I'm at my worst, I dont look all that bad. My words and appearance never match. But I'm trying to tell her that... it's hard.
I dont see her again until next Thursday (a week and 2 days from now). Every 10 days just... isnt okay. I'm thinking of calling her and seeing if I can get in this Thursday. We dont do 2x/wk anymore but just to get through this weird scheduling thing, maybe she'd let me. It's just not fair. 2 months out of the hospital I shouldnt be having to wait 10 days every time to see my therapist. But even if she let me in Thurs, what would I say at this point?
I also see a new T on Fri. I dont know. Maybe I do need to switch.. but part of me feels like this is all my fault. It's the same problem I had with Anne. I dont know what I'm doing so wrong. I feel like even if I find a new T, I'll just be in the same position. And it's not worth the frustration.
Help? hah....
Posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:24:01
In reply to therapy = not helpful! (long + rambling), posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
I miss her. I could go back to her, but it'd only be once every other week and I dont know. I guess that'd be better than what I'm getting now, but I really dont think I'm ready to be doing every other week anywhere right now. I mean, Laurie would see me up to twice a week if I wanted, but with the drive, and her fee, I could only manage twice/month.
Last time I was there, she said that I'm not done with Ginny. She said that there's still work to be done with her. I AGREE. But how? I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall, and all the while Ginny doesnt even really realize there's a problem. AHHHH.
Posted by sunnydays on June 19, 2007, at 10:15:35
In reply to therapy = not helpful! (long + rambling), posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
((((wishingstar))))
I wish I knew what to say. It sounds like you really are on different pages. Hopefully you'll feel like you can work more therapeutically with the new T, although I do understand that you like Ginny and wish it would work out with her. I wish it would too, but if this is happening repeatedly it sounds like it might not.
You sound so much like me. For the longest time I never cried, and I don't think I sounded the least bit upset when I talked to my T, but somehow he could see that I was upset. I hope you can find a T like that.
Would it help to tell your new T right from the start that it's been hard to connect with Ginny and that you're really looking for someone who can see that you're upset even if you aren't acting particularly upset? It might help to be very upfront about that, although I think you have been with Ginny too.
Hang in there. Scheduling issues are rough and can sometimes be hard for the T too to remember what's been going on from session to session. If you think it's something that can be worked out, then by all means call Ginny and ask for the appointment sooner. Tell her you've been feeling upset lately and need to talk about that and for her to hear that.
I wish I had more help to offer. But keep posting. We're here for you.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on June 19, 2007, at 15:02:55
In reply to therapy = not helpful! (long + rambling), posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
Sigh, I feel for ya wishy.
Wish my T could crawl insida my head.
Wish she would GET it.
Then sometimes she DOES. DAMN but that feels good when that happens.
I dunno why, despite all my writings she don't GET me better.
But I guess we all diff, and so we all 'see' differently, so guess my T will never REALLY know me, and I not gonna tell her exactly.
T is just so intense, and its generally only 1x/wk, so its not like they live with us and know all our ways, they only really know the person we present at T.
Sigh.
Perplexing.
I wish you the best with all whats going on for you WS.
take care,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on June 20, 2007, at 5:31:44
In reply to therapy = not helpful! (long + rambling), posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
Posted by Honore on June 20, 2007, at 11:07:01
In reply to thanks all. i called her. (nm), posted by wishingstar on June 20, 2007, at 5:31:44
Has she called back? Are you feeling at all better today?
sorry it's been so disappointing with Ginnie lately.
(((WS)))
Honore
Posted by wishingstar on June 20, 2007, at 18:05:37
In reply to Re: thanks all. i called her., posted by Honore on June 20, 2007, at 11:07:01
Well, I had a very busy day today at work and missed her call but she did call me back this morning. She said she doesnt have anything open tomorrow but will call me if she has any cancellations. She said she can see me on Monday though. My next appt isnt until next Thurs so I'll probably take her up on that. She told me what time I can reach her tomorrow so I'll give her a call then and figure it out.
In the voicemail she said she was sorry to hear I've been having a hard time. (In my message, I said I didnt think she'd understood how bad I was feeling). Funny, but just her saying that felt good. It's SOME kind of recognition of how I feel. Something. I dont put a lot of faith in it, but who knows.
Hoping for a cancellation.
Feeling fine now.. had a good day at work and havent been home long at all.. but I felt absolutely TERRIBLE this morning. Almnost didnt go to work at all. More self-destructive and down than I've felt in several weeks or more. The wave is coming back in.
Posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 13:49:03
In reply to she called back » Honore, posted by wishingstar on June 20, 2007, at 18:05:37
...but not until Monday. If I have to wait until Mon, might as well wait until Thurs.. that's too far away for it to feel helpful right now. I didnt say that to her, but she said if I change my mind about Mon to call and tell her. I can tell she really wants me to come eh?
In the midst of a major breakdown this afternoon. I dont even have words.
Posted by jammerlich on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:34
In reply to got an appt.., posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 13:49:03
I guess I'm not really clear about whether you accepted Monday or not, but if you didn't, please consider calling her back and accepting the appt. It might not feel like it at the moment, but it really is a lot sooner than Thurs. And, really, what could it hurt to go ahead and go?
And if you did accept Monday, and are concerned about her response, maybe it was just because she could sense how hesitant you were, even though you didn't flat-out say it didn't feel soon enough. But maybe she could still tell and was worried you wouldn't show or something.
I'm sorry this afternoon is so hard, wishy. It's OK that you don't have words. We can and will sit with you anyway....whether they come or not.
Posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 15:08:55
In reply to Re: got an appt.. » wishingstar, posted by jammerlich on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:34
I did accept Monday. I said it'd be fine. I've never missed (without proper notice anyway) an appt so I think she trusts I'll show up. It was really a very pleasant conversation on the phone... she said shes sorry I'm having a hard time but otherwise it was very pleasant. I think she just doesnt care...... okay, I know she cares. But something. She just doesnt know what to do with me I guess. Whatever. Maybe she did sense it. Who knows.
I need someone to "sit with me" (even figuratively) so badly right now. I'm reached out SO many times and been shot down equally as much. Went into chat on another website and as soon as I said I'd had a rough day, the person decided they had to leave. I cant get anyone to return my phone calls. I'd have to force myself on someone to get them to listen to me right now and I just dont want to do that.
My boyfriend knows I had a rough day and may come over this evening. That means a lot to me. Unfortunately he isnt someone who really "gets it" on an emotional level, so I cant do a lot of talknig with him.. but his presence and caring helps. He's a wonderful person and I dont want to make it seem like I dont appreciate him. I just want someone to TALK to though.
I see a new T tomorrow. It'll be mostly interview, get-to-know-you type stuff but maybe itll be useful.
Tears are back. I hate this.
Posted by muffled on June 21, 2007, at 15:34:09
In reply to Re: got an appt.. » jammerlich, posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 15:08:55
Posted by JoniS on June 21, 2007, at 15:43:47
In reply to Re: got an appt.. » wishingstar, posted by jammerlich on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:34
Sorry you are having such a rough time Wishingstar. I am sad for you. I hope some simple pleasures come to you while you wait for relief.
Joni
Posted by Honore on June 21, 2007, at 16:19:45
In reply to Re: got an appt.. » jammerlich, posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 15:08:55
I'm glad you took the appointment, WS. Sorry it's been a hard week and day. Even though Ginny has become disappointing, you did have a promising relationship until she wasn't able to see you as often. That's understandable and doesn't really help, but it does show that, under the right circumstances, things can go much better.
You'll be able to see someone twice a week; it just may take time. I know when you're feeling awful, the future doesn't matter, and it's this minute or this hour or day that needs to be better. I wish there were something I or someone could do-- right now- to change things. I'm glad at least your boyfriend's presence is comforting-- and it's great that he wants to come.
I do think Ginny cares--- and maybe doesn't know how to help right now-- but I know she wishes she could. Sometimes people get into a pattern that isn't productive-- and neither one of them knows why. But maybe if they can figure out how to get out of it -- it can really change things. So often the difference between being unhappy and more hopeful isn't as great as it seems-- and maybe either the new T, or Ginny herself, will find better ways, that will open things up.
Thinking, good thoughts for you, today.
(((WS)))
Honore
Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2007, at 18:16:10
In reply to Re: got an appt.. » jammerlich, posted by wishingstar on June 21, 2007, at 15:08:55
I so understand. I was feeling better enough today to be reflective, and my therapist and I were discussing why it helps to see him so often when I'm feeling really badly.
It's a shame that she's limited on how often she can see you.
This is the end of the thread.
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