Posted by wishingstar on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:33
Ughhhh what a giant waste of my time! At first I had "worthless" instead of "not helpful" in the subject line, but I guess it's not totally worthless... I do enjoy the attention and having someone to gossip with. But as far as actually therapeutic intervention whatever goes... yeah, worthless.
I have a lot going on this past week or so. I've been really overwhelmed and dealing with some SI urges mostly just because there was so much building inside me and no where to get it out. I'm only seeing my T every 10 days or so now (temporary scheduling problems, but its happened several times in a row) and I was REALLY looking forward to getting some of this out when I saw her yesterday. I was hesitantly hopeful I guess... I know that often I go in hoping for something and leave feeling unheard, but I was really prepared to talk and try to be real.
Well, it didnt happen. After she asked how I was, I said that I'd had a hard week and listed the reasons why (thinking of quitting my job, possibly pregnancy and relationship issues with that, the Laurie situation, any other smaller things). Any of the above would have been good to talk about. We talked for about 5 min about Laurie... basically I said what happened and then we moved on. Didnt talk about work at all. Talked for a little while about the pregnancy issue and whether I want to be pregnant, what has been happening in my relationship, etc.. but all from a very cognitive perspective. Relationship discussions are always more gossip like than therapy like... "and what did he do?!" type stuff. Not helpful. Then we talked for at least 20 min about my living situation... a situation that is interesting to others I guess, but not bad and a complete non-issue for me. She was asking me all about the specifics.. "wjhat if youre in the living room and she comes home? do you interact then? do you share milk?" Who cares? We'd had a great talk last time about the possibility of confronting Anne, and it was no where near over, so if she was scrambling for topics, why not go for that? But she shouldnt have been scrambling anyway...
I know it's my responsibility to lead the session and talk about what I need to talk about. I really do. But I told her right in the first 5 minutes... and I tried to talk about them... the problem is, I dont always know what to say or how to verbalize it all. I need her to help me talk about it..not just move on the second I finish the story and dont follow it up with anything. At the end of the session, she commented that shes glad I'm doing so much better, even after a hard day or 2 last week.. I gave her a weird look and she said, "oh, you're not?" I want to beat my head against the wall. I TRIED to tell you! I did tell her I was having a hard week. I never said it had gotten better. I truly feel like I'm being pretty open and clear. Sometimes I think we've become friends as much as anything else and shes just not hearing with her theraueptic hat anymore. I dont know how else I could have told her what was going on any more clearly.
I've told her lots of times that I feel like she doesnt hear me and that we're not on the same page. I've told her I'm frustrated. It doesnt seem to make any difference. I dont really want to complain again. It just drives that wedge in even further. I really, really like this woman.. I think we could be great as friends.. but why is she missing the point?! I'm trying so hard to be real...
I know that I contribute to this. I dont ACT upset... even when I'm at my worst, I dont look all that bad. My words and appearance never match. But I'm trying to tell her that... it's hard.
I dont see her again until next Thursday (a week and 2 days from now). Every 10 days just... isnt okay. I'm thinking of calling her and seeing if I can get in this Thursday. We dont do 2x/wk anymore but just to get through this weird scheduling thing, maybe she'd let me. It's just not fair. 2 months out of the hospital I shouldnt be having to wait 10 days every time to see my therapist. But even if she let me in Thurs, what would I say at this point?
I also see a new T on Fri. I dont know. Maybe I do need to switch.. but part of me feels like this is all my fault. It's the same problem I had with Anne. I dont know what I'm doing so wrong. I feel like even if I find a new T, I'll just be in the same position. And it's not worth the frustration.
Help? hah....
poster:wishingstar
thread:764153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/764153.html