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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 20, 2007, at 19:14:54
I decided to start a new thread with this one, since Babble has been in such a state of upheaval.
I ended up having a long talk with my T last Thursday about my ongoing issues with her church office space and my being irritated with her over her lack of response in the past (she would probably call it a job evaluation). I had planned ealrier in the week to take Daisy's advice and let it go for a few weeks. But then two nights in a row I had horrible nightmares that might be connected to possible csa. I woke up in a complete state of terror and wanted to call my T and leave her a voice mail. But I couldn't because of my irritation with her and the resulting lack of connection. So I knew then that I had to go ahead and bring it up.
We talked for a LONG time about this and she seemed more open to what I was saying and more responsive than she has been about this issue since she moved to this office 18 months ago or so. I told her that in my mind, this situation is similar to the office temperature situation. In the 22 years I've known her, she has almost always been cold in the office and I have almost always been hot. I pointed out to her that just because she was cold, she didn't try to tell me I wasn't hot -- we just experience that differently. And that we obviously experience the church setting differently, too, and her telling me she thought it was safe there was really not helpful to me. I also told her that it was not at all helpful for her to call me paranoid the week before when I was trying to explain how upset I was. I told her that I get it that she's not going to change offices on my behalf, but that I needed her to acknowledge that this office is not the best setup for me.
I also reminded her about one time when we were talking about how I sleep in my old bedroom at my parents' house and how she likened that to me revisiting the scene of a traumatic car wreck. I told her that the church thing was just about the same for me as that bedroom and in some ways it was worse because I'm more attached to her than to my parents and I don't expect to feel safe with them. I think that got through in a way it hasn't before, although I've tried to say it several times.
So it was a good talk. I can't say that I'm feeling all connected again, but I now believe we will get there. She said she heard me and she would now factor in those things when she was thinking about my reaction to her office. She admitted that she completely misread the situation and that it was due to her own stuff. She didn't say much more than that, because she said I would have to see her behavior change rather than hear her words about it.
But it's progress, right?
Posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2007, at 20:35:57
In reply to T Update LONG -- ** Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on May 20, 2007, at 19:14:54
Sounds like progress to me. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2007, at 9:49:57
In reply to T Update LONG -- ** Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on May 20, 2007, at 19:14:54
I'm glad that you talked to her and that she understood and is sensitive now to the problem. You were very eloquent in describing the situation in terms of other situations in your life, and her expressed thoughts about those situations.
It does take a while to reconnect after breaches, but if both people are committed, it can become a very healthy experience.
Posted by Honore on May 21, 2007, at 10:38:11
In reply to Re: T Update LONG -- ** Trigger** » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2007, at 9:49:57
TherapyGirl, it sounds like a very worthwhile discussion. Maybe you should be a T. Your approach with your T was so-- well, mature-- and willing to accept and work with her limitations and constricted point of view. Just to be able to keep going, when it was really not a good reaction on her part, and a sensitive issue-- to be able to be annoyed-- but not so furious or afraid, even though it was a question of safety.
I think you were right to move away from the issue of the woman per se, and go to the feeling of safety-- and the office environment in different ways-- and how you don't feel comfortable there. Did you discuss the woman's role at all-- or did you come to think that she mostly made you more aware of your sense of not being safe in the office in general?
I especially liked your using the metaphor of being cold and hot-- that people can experience emotional reactions differently, and it can be just as concrete and reasonable a difference-- It captures how real emotions are-- and makes them much more difficult to put aside as "your problem."
Maybe she's not am ideally sensitive T-- but you and she sound like you're evolved a strong and solid ground for working on issues-. I'm sure if you've been seeing her for such a long time, that you and she have been through a lot together. I'll be interested to hear if she's able to show you that she does understand-- and if it does help to change your sense of safety in the church-- even though it hasnt' yet.
Honore
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 21, 2007, at 20:52:44
In reply to Re: T Update LONG -- ** Trigger**, posted by Honore on May 21, 2007, at 10:38:11
Thanks for the comments, Honore. I'm pretty pleased with myself that I was able to stay annoyed and not move to fury, which is my normal pattern. I'm not sure why I was able to stay so grounded with this. I suspect it was because I had you Babblers backing me up and talking me through it.
I did not bring up the woman at all last week, although she had her session after mine again (that was supposed to be a "fluke"). But she didn't wait in the hall right outside the door -- she waited in the other hall.
But you are right that I did figure out that episode triggered all of my non-safety issues with the church itself.
I know it doesn't sound like it based on this interaction with her, but my T is generally very sensitive and reads me better than anyone else in my life. For some reason with this particular issue, she has had blinders on and I'm not sure why. But it always upsets me when I feel like she, who knows me better than anyone else, could miss a huge thing like this over and over again.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:21
In reply to Re: T Update LONG -- ** Trigger** » TherapyGirl, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2007, at 20:35:57
Thanks, Phillipa. That helps.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 21, 2007, at 20:54:35
In reply to Re: T Update LONG -- ** Trigger** » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2007, at 9:49:57
Thanks. It has been so helpful to stand with all of you who have been in similar situations and can talk me down from the ledge, so to speak.
I appreciate it. And I do trust that the connection will return, which is also different for me this time.
This is the end of the thread.
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