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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 0:18:37
Sometimes I wonder if I am making my T feel like she is not doing a good job. I know that's probably not true, though.
I can't help but wonder if my T thinks she did something wrong when I tell her I'm feeling more depressed, or anxious, or whatever. I know, or I'm pretty sure, that she's confident in herself, but I don't want her to think that she isn't helping me.
Do you ever feel like you are disappointing your T when you are not making progress, or at least when you don't feel like you're making progress?
Posted by Dinah on February 14, 2007, at 8:40:33
In reply to Disappointing your T, posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 0:18:37
I suppose I tend to feel that way sometimes. I try to remember that a therapist can do what a therapist does because they have the ability to stand back and not respond personally to what happens to us.
On the other hand, I remember a time when I felt a lot of frustration from my therapist, and our relationship was sinking in it. I started giving him positive feedback around that time about the ways I was finding therapy useful. I'm not sure that it was the therapy correct thing to do, but it was pragmatic and did improve situation.
This was a very long time ago, and a relatively low point in our therapy.
Posted by widget on February 14, 2007, at 10:46:56
In reply to Disappointing your T, posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 0:18:37
yeah, so much of what I read here could have been written by me. But, I know what my therapist would say: you are transferring old feelings onto this situation. The therapist must take care of his/her own feelings. However, I often do feel that way. I might be moving away from it a bit, only because my psychiatrist is constantly pointing this out to me; that these feelings must have been triggered by something he or I said and aren't accurate in the present moment. Hope that helps. Widget
Posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2007, at 11:22:39
In reply to Disappointing your T, posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 0:18:37
Definitely! I do have that fear... although I dont think its something I've ever verbalized to anyone before. I'm always afraid that when I dont improve (or get worse, as I have been recently) that my T is going to start feeling ineffective. Sometimes I'll even say specific things for the single purpose of reassuring her. I dont think shes ineffective at all (i think shes great!), but I fear she'll feel that way.
I think for me, it comes down to my own insecurities because I know if I were her, thats how *I* would feel. It isnt rational, but I tend to feel worthless and hate myself a lot in general, so thats where my mind would go. But I forget that not everyone is like that and she probably doesnt have the same issue. Therapists have experience seperating their work from their own personal emotions, and I think if a T was to get so wrapped up in a case that they were feeling that badly about it, then they need to check themselves and how involved theyre letting themselves get. Of course we all want our Ts to think of us all the time, care, etc, but there has to be some distance on their part or else theres just no way a person could be a therapist - listening to that many distraught, hurting people every day.
I try to remind myself that if it got that out of hand and my T felt like she couldnt help me, I think she would tell me. And the fact that it hasnt happened means she feels like she can handle it. Its hard not to worry about the other person when we're in such an intense emotional (one-sided) relationship like therapy is, but I do think they can handle themselves pretty well. I guess you get good at it over time.
Dont really have any advice I guess, except that this may be a good thing to mention to your T one day if you are able to. I've done that in the past with an old T and her reassurance did help.
Posted by widget on February 14, 2007, at 14:17:02
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T » peddidle, posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2007, at 11:22:39
Good point: mention it to the therapist since, as I have been told, they can't read minds. It just seems like it, right?
Posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2007, at 14:45:41
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T, posted by widget on February 14, 2007, at 14:17:02
> Good point: mention it to the therapist since, as I have been told, they can't read minds. It just seems like it, right?
Yep, I heard that rumor too... I dont believe it! I told my T a few weeks ago that she needed to work on it (learning to read minds). No luck yet.
:)
Posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 21:25:08
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T » peddidle, posted by Dinah on February 14, 2007, at 8:40:33
> I suppose I tend to feel that way sometimes. I try to remember that a therapist can do what a therapist does because they have the ability to stand back and not respond personally to what happens to us.
**Very true, but at the same time, we also want to be special to our T's.
> On the other hand, I remember a time when I felt a lot of frustration from my therapist, and our relationship was sinking in it. I started giving him positive feedback around that time about the ways I was finding therapy useful. I'm not sure that it was the therapy correct thing to do, but it was pragmatic and did improve situation.
**I'm glad it worked-out for you.
Posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 21:32:45
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T, posted by widget on February 14, 2007, at 10:46:56
Thanks widget. I know therapists must take care of their own feelings, but then again, they are only human and they do have feelings. Isn't it weird how we idealize our T's, but we also want to know that they are normal people?
AAHHH psychological politics!! :)
Posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 21:58:12
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T » peddidle, posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2007, at 11:22:39
> Definitely! I do have that fear... although I dont think its something I've ever verbalized to anyone before. I'm always afraid that when I dont improve (or get worse, as I have been recently) that my T is going to start feeling ineffective. Sometimes I'll even say specific things for the single purpose of reassuring her. I dont think shes ineffective at all (i think shes great!), but I fear she'll feel that way.
**What kinds of things do you say to reassure her?
> I think for me, it comes down to my own insecurities because I know if I were her, thats how *I* would feel. It isnt rational, but I tend to feel worthless and hate myself a lot in general, so thats where my mind would go. But I forget that not everyone is like that and she probably doesnt have the same issue.**I had never thought of it that way...you are very insightful. I forget that not everyone takes the pessimistic view of things.
Therapists have experience seperating their work from their own personal emotions, and I think if a T was to get so wrapped up in a case that they were feeling that badly about it, then they need to check themselves and how involved theyre letting themselves get. Of course we all want our Ts to think of us all the time, care, etc, but there has to be some distance on their part or else theres just no way a person could be a therapist - listening to that many distraught, hurting people every day.
**Very true, and I don't think people would choose to go into this field of work unless they really wanted to. I know there are bad T's out there, but there still must be something about the job that they like.
It is selfish for us to want our Ts to think about us all the time, but it's only natural. I can't imagine anyone wouldn't lose their minds if they had to deal with other people's problems 24/7 without taking time for themselves. Of course we want our Ts to take care of themselves, but we just hope that maybe we pop into their thoughts every once in a while.
> I try to remind myself that if it got that out of hand and my T felt like she couldnt help me, I think she would tell me. And the fact that it hasnt happened means she feels like she can handle it. Its hard not to worry about the other person when we're in such an intense emotional (one-sided) relationship like therapy is, but I do think they can handle themselves pretty well. I guess you get good at it over time.
>
> Dont really have any advice I guess, except that this may be a good thing to mention to your T one day if you are able to. I've done that in the past with an old T and her reassurance did help.
**I'm glad you were able to mention it to your T, and that her reassurance helped you.I have thought about amusing ways to bring it up. Like, when she yawns, I've thought about saying "am I boring you?", but of course I always chicken out or forget when the opportunity arises.
Posted by peddidle on February 14, 2007, at 22:01:21
In reply to Re: Disappointing your T, posted by widget on February 14, 2007, at 14:17:02
> Good point: mention it to the therapist since, as I have been told, they can't read minds. It just seems like it, right?
**Wait, they can't?! :O I thought that was just an urban legend!
No wonder my T always tells me she can't read my mind!
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