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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 17:43:54
It feels so bad- i was put on a waiting list at a trauma treatment center, had four visits- i was going twice a week. Everything was going well aside from the usual being late when i come from work- the work part doesn't know there's a need to go to therapy.
i left my T of almost seven years because it was making me too separated and he didn't care about me- stand up for me at critical times and i was too hurt to go to him anymore.
On the fourth visit, the T suddenly terminated me- he said "You can not benfit from a program like this," and i left and am so devastated still. tears. It happened only a couple of weeks ago- it's so unreal. i called his supervisor and asked her why he terminated me and she said that he told her that it was because of my medical history. Inside was so upset- i had a horrible inpatient stay at that same hospital where they literally tortured me with being in seclusion for so many days- i slept in the 'Quiet Room' 28 out of 30 days i think and i completly lost it - i had a really bad dr (retired, maybe senile) and it made me so worse.
It was so unfair to judge me by those records, no one could have done well. One of the reasons i left my T was because he watched the whole thing happen to me andd did nothing to change it- siding with the hospital .
Anyways last week they gave me an appt with an Assessment T in the program to see if the T was right in terminating me. She asked questions and we answered - i felt the interview was rushed, i cried at one point- it's so difficult to not have a T and to be terminated without reason or notice for something that you can't help.
She said something about grief t but that i couldn't do trauma t. i have PTSD and DID - and i wonder how i can do grief therapy without doing the traauma therapy first anyways. What am i going to be grieving?
Now i'm grieving rejection. and the three Ts names they gave me- two called me back and asked questions about my dx and said that they refer all their patiebnt to the place where i was just terminated from.
tears. i feel TERRIBLE
i feel SO REJECTED
and i think it was so unethical for them to terminate me for something in my medical records - and i really thought it was going ok- it was the First time i was able to write down a map of my system. i gave it to that T the visit before he terminated me.The assessment T used words like 'blacklist'- she said that i was not on any kind of blacklist- but i didn't think that and i wonder why she said that- it was so hurtful and strange to say that. now i think that i am or that someone somewhere (my T maybe) has written that i'm untreatable or not worth the time or the something that changed that T's mind about having me as a patient that was so unfair and so untrue.
The assessment T gave me the names of three Ts to call after i pressed them not to leave me without anyone and i called them. The two that called back said that they refer patients to the place i had just came from for therapy when i told them my diagnosis.
Now i'm referred back - how do i explain they don't want me but you should?i feel so so bad, i really need a T now. i'm having the nerve surgery next month- my parts are so separated- we lose time- all the time at work and everything is a confusing mess since we're so upset about losing the chance with having a T. There's so much anger, hopelessness- everything is falling apart. we don't know what to do.
To make things even worse my car was broken inttto and purse and all info stolen- ssnumber on court disability papers, drivers license, work ID taken. So afraid house will be robbed.
So much is wrong - i need a T so much. we're so so traumatized by that trauma program and the horrible assessment with the word 'blacklist' mentioned. WHY? what is wrong with me ? Why did that T reject me?
we're in a very very bad place now,
h e l p please,
kerriaplease don't say it's our fault- there's too much anger and discouragement inside about everything.
Posted by sunnydays on December 16, 2006, at 18:32:29
In reply to Terminated from t suddenly :(, posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 17:43:54
It's not your fault at all kerria.
((((((kerria)))))
I wish I knew what to say to you. You're doing so well and trying so so hard and doing all the right things, it just doesn't seem to be working for you. Could you call back any of those three Ts and explain that you were referred to them from the trauma place? Try the grief T, even. You may not think it will help, but maybe it will. It would be something, some support, anyway.
Good luck. Hang in there.
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on December 16, 2006, at 20:28:50
In reply to Re: Terminated from t suddenly :( » kerria, posted by sunnydays on December 16, 2006, at 18:32:29
Kerria I agree with sunnydays . Call them back, explain, let them know of the surgery. Yes you were treated unfairly and I feel very bad for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by zenhussy on December 16, 2006, at 20:51:35
In reply to Terminated from t suddenly :(, posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 17:43:54
Posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 22:19:52
In reply to Re: Terminated from t suddenly :( » kerria, posted by sunnydays on December 16, 2006, at 18:32:29
Thanks Sunnydays for writing.
i wasn't able to call them back today. i can't trust myself. we're too upset to talk and i don't think i can have control. Then the T will never take me - i'm too upset - no one can understand. It's so discouraging. This has made me so much worse.It's the Ts that think i should go to the other place where they specialize, not me. i know that i can't talk about it without losing it. i'm too upset about it still . i think i'll always be upset about it. i can't answer questions about what happened - about what they did.
Both Ts wanted to know exactly why i wasn't going to that place- why they sent me elsewhere, giving their phone numbers instead of going there for help.i don't know how to explain it in a way to have any chance of them taking me on- i think it's a lot to take on- they will think and then i will be rejected again.
i can't get any help. We're not able to do any t. i'm too discouraged. i feel so hopeless, i know they think of me as hopeless- i'm worried that they're right and i'm so so tired of struggling so hard to get help.
tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on December 20, 2006, at 21:46:24
In reply to Re: Terminated from t suddenly :( » sunnydays, posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 22:19:52
Since i was terminated from t -
i called the Ts whose names i was given- no one can take me.Today at work a part - not the work part cried in front of everyone- they asked her why she was crying and she said
"I'm always late" "I'm always late" tears
and couldn't stop crying. It was a surprise to me too what she said but i realized that it's true and i couldn't stop crying. :(There was a dr's appt and we were afraid of losing track of the time and just Lost it completely at work. Now they know how crazy i am.
My T that i went to emailed today when i came home after my h yelled at me for ? being self-willed and not listening to anyone, negative things about myself and parts i can't change-
T said i could see him again and now i'm too afraid. Too afraid i'' be late- i'm so afariad- i lost all opportunities for being late- and i can't help it. i can cry forever- i still can't help it at all. tears.i hate it when everyone is so angry with things i do that i can't help. i feel so hurt that the T terminated me. i can't go there - to that place- i'm too afraid i will be late.
tears . i'm so broken- i can never go to t- i'm too afraid. tears.i need a T so badly, i'm so afraid because i was blamed for being late when i couldn't help it. Everything is so painful and out of control. tears, i don't have a wat to get out of it. tears.
Everything is so hard.
Some one is calling me and harrassing me on the phone- i called telephone co to complain- i think it's the thief who broke my car window and stole my purse while at work. Everything is so wrong- i called 'call trace,' *57 i hope it's not much money- h will be so mad- but i had to do something- they say obsenities.
everything is so hard and i'm afraid - too aafraid to see T , afraid i'll be late. tears. It's so terrible to not be in control and need a T.
i feel so wounded . no one cared to understand and help and i struggle so much- i finally lost it at work.i get tthis scared face on and everyone will say "What's wrong?" that sees me and if i look in the mirror i'm so shocked and afraid that i look so scared- it's not me- i'm so afraid. now i lost it at work, have no T who will take me AND am too afraid to see my T from before and can't go because i'm too afraid i will be late. tears i'm always late. i'm always late.
Tears,
kerria - so sad because i lost all opportunities, and no one will help me. tears.
Posted by Phillipa on December 20, 2006, at 21:58:45
In reply to i Can't Find A T - so much FEAR PAIN now, posted by kerria on December 20, 2006, at 21:46:24
Write a note and put it on your desk date and time of appointment so you won't be late and another in your bedroom and kichen. Good luck yes you can go back and it's okay to cry. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on December 20, 2006, at 23:21:37
In reply to Re: i Can't Find A T - so much FEAR PAIN now » kerria, posted by Phillipa on December 20, 2006, at 21:58:45
Thanks Phillipa,
my parts don't read each other's notes. If they do they won't do what it says on purpose i think. That's why it's so sad and why i'm so upset and hurt so much inside/feel so hopeless. It hurts when they don't understand- it's not in my control. i need to work on communication. Now that i see how separated my parts are and my parts are having to suffer the consecquences of being so dysfunctional and messed up all the time we want to try to communicate with parts and get to know them It's really hard and we were unable to do it so far. We were able to meet a part while under hypnosis once- but it was scary for me and i was afraid for days.
i don't have the support and don't have a T now. It's hard to learn alone. It's scary to know parts and lose the ability to shut parts out- have them separate so everything doesn't feel like a confusing mess
i'm so afraid now because i don't have a T and so hurt that no one wants to take me. It makes me feel hatred towards parts, blaming is going on also.
Thank you for encouragement, Phillipa.
kerria
Posted by sunnydays on December 21, 2006, at 8:46:12
In reply to Re: i Can't Find A T - so much FEAR PAIN now » Phillipa, posted by kerria on December 20, 2006, at 23:21:37
I don't know if you already tried this, but maybe the hospital would have some referrals of people who would be willing to take you? You're doing a good job. Keep hanging in there.
sunnydays
Posted by kerria on December 21, 2006, at 11:48:49
In reply to Re: i Can't Find A T - so much FEAR PAIN now » kerria, posted by sunnydays on December 21, 2006, at 8:46:12
Hi Sunnydays. Thank you for writing to me.
The hospital gave me three therapists to call and each one said that they couldn't take me. Two of the three said that they didn't feel qualified to have a client with DID because they don't know much about it and that they refer their clients that find out they have DID to the hospital that i was going to -- the same trauma program that threw me out.
i'm so upset- i need a T and no one will take me. The other T said that she had no spaces. i'm so discouraged i'm crying about it every time i think about it and my life is a wreck every day. i can't do anything.i had my car broken into- an obsene caller is calling me, i'm afraid my house will be broken into . i lost it totally and broke down in front of the only people who might still have a thread of repect for me because of my experrtise in a field of study of my job- i hate myself and now am afraid to go to that hospital- i'm afraid of being late. tears.
tears it's a holiday season fron hell - i'm disappointing my family - my h hates me and always criticizes me about everything i am- i'm too self -willed- i'm too selfish- too everything bad - fill in the blank. i think he wants me to kill myself and if he keeps getting my parts to hate each other so much i will. he has no sdesire for me to get better and have a relationship with him.
i'm mourning the lost relationship. and all my lost chances - i hate my life- i'm so afraid to leave anything in the car (the window is still broken) so i carried all this stuff into my locker at work- i'm such a nutcase. i almost don't think i can go to work. i don't feel like i work there- when i get there i switch to the work person- i wish i could be better- more functional- that my family at home didn't hate me. i love them i'm a mess now - without a T to help me- and everything is a confusing mess because i literally don't know what i'm (parts) are doing. i'm proactive as i can be- but i still can't hold meetings with parts- i'm so separated. tears. i wish i could find a T. Why doesn't anyone in that great hospital for trauma treatment care about me? Why? Why? i did all i could do to work hard and made huge steps - even giving names of my parts to that T who heartlessly terminated me. Why did the supervisor agree? HOW CAN that be so HEARTLESS to someone that is honestly trying and working and paying and using up my insurance visits on their program?
tears why is it so unfair for me? why isn't anyone trying to find help for me? i tried too hard- it's devastating to be rejected like this.
It's devastating to live with so much daily verbal a. from h. i'm not allowed to talk in my house - i can't talk of someone will scream at me or make fun of me.It's so hard to live like this.
Why won't a T take me? why did that T make that decision to terminate me- how heartlessly selfish can someone be? i was trying so hard to do well and was doing well there. Then he not only terminated me- he said i was unfit to even come there- so i can't have any other therapist there either. What a terrible thing - how could he do that to someone who's trying not to give up in the face of so much againsst me?Why was the decision accepted by the dr's at the head of that program? WHY do they think i'm not ever going to get better- a waste of time to treat? WHY? WHAT is so wrong with me ? WHY? WHY? WHY?
tears.
i'm so tired of reading how so many have a T and their worst problem is wondering what kind of gift they can give and i 'm so rejected and have no relationships with any one that's supportive. - not totally true- there's a T that cares about me but doesn't know how to talk to parts and upsets me - not on purpose but i need a T to help me with parts now- so so much. i'm a good person- i never broke any laws or anything- why won't they stop rejecting me? Why is it ok to single me out as untreatable?
tears- in a terrible place now, tears- i can't stop crying- i'm so rejected.
i don't just feel rejected- i am rejected. NO ONE will take me. tears,tears,
kerria
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