Posted by kerria on December 16, 2006, at 17:43:54
It feels so bad- i was put on a waiting list at a trauma treatment center, had four visits- i was going twice a week. Everything was going well aside from the usual being late when i come from work- the work part doesn't know there's a need to go to therapy.
i left my T of almost seven years because it was making me too separated and he didn't care about me- stand up for me at critical times and i was too hurt to go to him anymore.
On the fourth visit, the T suddenly terminated me- he said "You can not benfit from a program like this," and i left and am so devastated still. tears. It happened only a couple of weeks ago- it's so unreal. i called his supervisor and asked her why he terminated me and she said that he told her that it was because of my medical history. Inside was so upset- i had a horrible inpatient stay at that same hospital where they literally tortured me with being in seclusion for so many days- i slept in the 'Quiet Room' 28 out of 30 days i think and i completly lost it - i had a really bad dr (retired, maybe senile) and it made me so worse.
It was so unfair to judge me by those records, no one could have done well. One of the reasons i left my T was because he watched the whole thing happen to me andd did nothing to change it- siding with the hospital .
Anyways last week they gave me an appt with an Assessment T in the program to see if the T was right in terminating me. She asked questions and we answered - i felt the interview was rushed, i cried at one point- it's so difficult to not have a T and to be terminated without reason or notice for something that you can't help.
She said something about grief t but that i couldn't do trauma t. i have PTSD and DID - and i wonder how i can do grief therapy without doing the traauma therapy first anyways. What am i going to be grieving?
Now i'm grieving rejection. and the three Ts names they gave me- two called me back and asked questions about my dx and said that they refer all their patiebnt to the place where i was just terminated from.
tears. i feel TERRIBLE
i feel SO REJECTED
and i think it was so unethical for them to terminate me for something in my medical records - and i really thought it was going ok- it was the First time i was able to write down a map of my system. i gave it to that T the visit before he terminated me.The assessment T used words like 'blacklist'- she said that i was not on any kind of blacklist- but i didn't think that and i wonder why she said that- it was so hurtful and strange to say that. now i think that i am or that someone somewhere (my T maybe) has written that i'm untreatable or not worth the time or the something that changed that T's mind about having me as a patient that was so unfair and so untrue.
The assessment T gave me the names of three Ts to call after i pressed them not to leave me without anyone and i called them. The two that called back said that they refer patients to the place i had just came from for therapy when i told them my diagnosis.
Now i'm referred back - how do i explain they don't want me but you should?i feel so so bad, i really need a T now. i'm having the nerve surgery next month- my parts are so separated- we lose time- all the time at work and everything is a confusing mess since we're so upset about losing the chance with having a T. There's so much anger, hopelessness- everything is falling apart. we don't know what to do.
To make things even worse my car was broken inttto and purse and all info stolen- ssnumber on court disability papers, drivers license, work ID taken. So afraid house will be robbed.
So much is wrong - i need a T so much. we're so so traumatized by that trauma program and the horrible assessment with the word 'blacklist' mentioned. WHY? what is wrong with me ? Why did that T reject me?
we're in a very very bad place now,
h e l p please,
kerriaplease don't say it's our fault- there's too much anger and discouragement inside about everything.
poster:kerria
thread:714321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714321.html