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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 10:41:40
well, i had my ob/gyn appt on monday. and i knew that it's best that i tell her about past issues. i've seen her for about 14 years so she wants me to be open with her and i trust her completely.
i thought i could quickly say my issue/concern and be out of there...no such luck.
i was brief and just said that i had been talking with my T about some past sexual 'trauma' issues and i wanted to mention them to 'you' and my concerns that they bring about. i mentioned that i had concerns about how many nurses would be 'checking' me during labor/delivery and that i don't know that i'd react well to several, and i was concerned about any 'tools' they may use on me or child during L/D. she was great and said that i should write up a birth plan and take it to the hospital, and mention that i have past trauma issues and i would appreciate only one nurse 'checking' me during this time. And told me that any 'tools' used they would thoroughly discuss with me first, no suprises and we would make deicisons then.
i think i should have left it at that but i wanted to make sure she didn't talk about it infront of my husband, i told her that he knows about my assault in HS but nothing about when i was younger.
She then said that she disagreed with me (which i do appreciate her honesty and i understand that but now i feel like cr@p). she feels that my husband should be my support through all this. but i can't because of the situation. (the perp was not my father or uncle or such, it was a sibling and a neighbor).
i Love my father very much and just can't loose that relationship and if my family knew about this it would tear them apart and 'mother' would first run to denial and anger, then defend the perp and would do what she could to distance herself (and my father) from me. she hates now how close we are. besides, she's SO overdramatic and would somehow make it all about her and i really don't want to deal with that. i can't. it's enough just to deal with what i'm feeling and going through. she'd go through all the blame(my fault), shame(why'd 'I' let it happen), anger and of course denial. then she'd want every detail (to ensure i wasn't making it up) and she'd question EVERYTHING in almost a perverse way of curiosity.
not to mention that my husband is not a forgiving person and it would destroy any relationship he has with my family and i love how well he and my father get along, true i don't know that it would effect that but i don't want to take that chance. plus i have a new nephew now and i love my brother's wife and i don't want to distance them from us for those reasons.
(would like to mention that though he's different now, i still don't want him too near my daughter, i will never be that trusting)tell my DH would just tear apart so many things, that with a baby on the way i just can't handle right now. i guess i just can't even explain all the MANY different reasons i can't/won't tell my family about it. but for some reason the words of my trusted doc just is making me feel really terrible about the decision i've made.
now, i'm beginning to think i didn't tell her enough, cuz for all she knows it was my father or someone who would be in constant contact with my little girl and she could just be really worried about that. but i never told her who...i just can't. it's bad enough i've had to tell 2 different T's.
i just Can't!am i a terrible person for keeping this secret.
(guilt ridden Again)
b2c.
Posted by sunnydays on December 13, 2006, at 11:27:26
In reply to OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 10:41:40
Nope, not a terrible person. Personally, I don't think your OB/GYN, T, or anyone else, for that matter, should decide for you who you tell and who you don't. If you don't feel comfortable telling you husband, then don't. She should respect that as much as possible. You did great even just telling her about that. What did your T say about talking to your husband? Have you talked to her? Hopefully she'll be supportive.
((((((B2chica))))))
sunnydays
Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 11:55:36
In reply to Re: OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger** » B2chica, posted by sunnydays on December 13, 2006, at 11:27:26
i think i told her, but she never really said anything about it. and even though she doesn't know all about my 'memories' she's pretty supportive. honestly i only see her about once a month (all i can really afford right now) and i was hoping to not even get into any of this again. but i had too because of the anxiety my issues and labor/delivery were causing me. and i'm glad she has the general idea of what happened.
but i don't see her again until the first week in jan. which is what...three weeks away i think. i should almost try to see her sooner, but with the baby and holidays, we REALLY just don't have the money.
if it gets bad enough i'm sure i'll go.but sometimes it's just the little things that really make me feel lousy. i wish i could tell my DH, i honestly think that he would be supportive and understanding, and it may be good for me, but i truly don't think it's good for him. plus he's big on family and would tell his and i'm still so ashamed (h@ll i didn't even admit to myself about this until the last few years) that i can't stand others knowing this. and then his family would treat my family different and then they would want to know why, then they'd know...and i just Don't want that....
if i lived far away from my family and had little contact i'd do it, but they're too close. it just makes me want to climb the walls just thinking about them finding out. i can't confront anyone right now.
i can't deal with that. Especially not when i'm due in 1 month...NOT the time!thank you very much for your kind words and support. i really need them.
thanks
b2c.
Posted by muffled on December 13, 2006, at 16:06:59
In reply to OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 10:41:40
Hey B2c, glad your OB knows to be easier on you.Thats good you told her. I dunno bout telling hubby particularly. Mebbe some day. Really, he knows you have trauma, and thats enough I would think. So he will understand if you freaking some.
I'm not sure why it seems to have to be said over and over. Its a bad thing that happened, but it is not all of who you are. And your soon to be a busy Mom, hormones and all.
I think you should listen to your own instincts and let sleeping dogs lie.
You a smart one B2c.
Hope things going OK.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 16:48:09
In reply to Re: OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger** » B2chica, posted by muffled on December 13, 2006, at 16:06:59
Posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 12:37:02
In reply to OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 10:41:40
I'm not sure I agree with your T. It is your choice to tell and when. My husband knows about my sa and he HATES any mention of my father at all (my father is dead). I can't even talk about him in a nice way because it just makes my DH mad. I know it is his own issue, but he had to know why I behave the way I do at times. It has been a struggle at times, but there is no possible way that my DH can ever understand the love/hate I feel for my father.
I wish you the best of luck in having your baby. I know now that the first time around I wasn't even aware of the sa, and the doctor couldn't understand why I couldn't stand to be touched. I never could relax and ended up having a C section. In retrospect, it's so easy to see why. I think you've done the right thing and your doctor should respect your wishes.
Best of luck. Babies are so wonderful!
antigua
Posted by B2chica on December 21, 2006, at 11:16:08
In reply to Re: OB/GYN disclosure of SA **trigger**, posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 12:37:02
THANK YOU for commenting antigua (good to see you again).
and what you said really resonates with me. i know once i would tell my DH that he would not forgive and would not be able to have a relationship of any kind with my brother and it would effect his relationship with my parents as well. and i think it would eat at him...it would become his troubles as well.
my first T told me that in fact most people do not ever confront their abusers and that confrontation is not always the best answer. he made me feel comfortable in my decision.
i think my new T respects it, but she may differ in opinion...we haven't really discussed it too much.
but i guess i have to remember that my OB's comments are not coming from a professional psych background. it is just personal opinion. plus she really doens't know all the facts so her opinion may change if she knew it all. and she's not a T so i need to just accept that it is her caring opinion based only on what she now knows.thank you very much for the encouragement on our upcoming little one.
i'll be away from internet for a few weeks (holiday vacation time), i hope everyone has non-eventful hopefully enjoyed holidays.
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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