Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2006, at 10:41:40
well, i had my ob/gyn appt on monday. and i knew that it's best that i tell her about past issues. i've seen her for about 14 years so she wants me to be open with her and i trust her completely.
i thought i could quickly say my issue/concern and be out of there...no such luck.
i was brief and just said that i had been talking with my T about some past sexual 'trauma' issues and i wanted to mention them to 'you' and my concerns that they bring about. i mentioned that i had concerns about how many nurses would be 'checking' me during labor/delivery and that i don't know that i'd react well to several, and i was concerned about any 'tools' they may use on me or child during L/D. she was great and said that i should write up a birth plan and take it to the hospital, and mention that i have past trauma issues and i would appreciate only one nurse 'checking' me during this time. And told me that any 'tools' used they would thoroughly discuss with me first, no suprises and we would make deicisons then.
i think i should have left it at that but i wanted to make sure she didn't talk about it infront of my husband, i told her that he knows about my assault in HS but nothing about when i was younger.
She then said that she disagreed with me (which i do appreciate her honesty and i understand that but now i feel like cr@p). she feels that my husband should be my support through all this. but i can't because of the situation. (the perp was not my father or uncle or such, it was a sibling and a neighbor).
i Love my father very much and just can't loose that relationship and if my family knew about this it would tear them apart and 'mother' would first run to denial and anger, then defend the perp and would do what she could to distance herself (and my father) from me. she hates now how close we are. besides, she's SO overdramatic and would somehow make it all about her and i really don't want to deal with that. i can't. it's enough just to deal with what i'm feeling and going through. she'd go through all the blame(my fault), shame(why'd 'I' let it happen), anger and of course denial. then she'd want every detail (to ensure i wasn't making it up) and she'd question EVERYTHING in almost a perverse way of curiosity.
not to mention that my husband is not a forgiving person and it would destroy any relationship he has with my family and i love how well he and my father get along, true i don't know that it would effect that but i don't want to take that chance. plus i have a new nephew now and i love my brother's wife and i don't want to distance them from us for those reasons.
(would like to mention that though he's different now, i still don't want him too near my daughter, i will never be that trusting)tell my DH would just tear apart so many things, that with a baby on the way i just can't handle right now. i guess i just can't even explain all the MANY different reasons i can't/won't tell my family about it. but for some reason the words of my trusted doc just is making me feel really terrible about the decision i've made.
now, i'm beginning to think i didn't tell her enough, cuz for all she knows it was my father or someone who would be in constant contact with my little girl and she could just be really worried about that. but i never told her who...i just can't. it's bad enough i've had to tell 2 different T's.
i just Can't!am i a terrible person for keeping this secret.
(guilt ridden Again)
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:713238
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/713238.html