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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
This is my very first post to this website.
As we all do, I have a story to tell, but tonight I am screaming for input on something I will (in short) try to explain.
As a rather last-ditch-effort at therapy, I met with a psychologist anew to me. Within a few months, we were working with a regression/type therapy which included holding. We were aware that, particularly with my past history, that I was taking a risk - that which included the issue of deep dependency on the therapist.
Therapy continued, leading from anewed awakenings of what I'm sure was an unmet need for acceptance at a young age. But, here's the problem, this unmet need accompanied me to present age of 40-something. Also I had been in no relationship for 7 years. My primal need for acceptance soon got mixed-up with attraction to my therapist. We were both aware. Although "nothing" happened, he had done nothing to stop this either, and our last session was quite intense as I spoke of my feelings. THEN - therapist on leave for 6 months.
I had known this was always a possibility but never ever thought it would happen. Nor did he.
We spoke intermittently and I awaited his return.
I barely survived this period of abandonment.
THEN - upon his return, something had made such an impact upon him that he agreed to continue to see me, but this would no longer include any holding. I struggled with this for a few months as we argued and reasoned and so on.. I felt just like one of those baby monkeys abandoned by their mother - and completely broken. He admitted he was to blame but as I came to a final breakdown and begged for him to hold me - he would not - and this was enough turbulence for him to terminate me as he could not deal with this situation.
It's been 3 months and I am still shaken to the core.
I am reentering therapy with a new psychologist but I know that I will never again trust enough to or even have the chance to receive the healing that I found with him. So I wonder if it will all be in vain until I can figure out just "what" to do with the pieces of me that he left scattered.
He has agreed to speak with me perhaps one last time to help me with closure, although he has ignored these requests for 3 months, I finally have at least this to work with as I will then ask him the questions ? ? ?
Anyone have any advice on how one can ever replace this gift when abandoned - as I would normally seek it thru a false relationship which I don't want to do anymore.
Please Help. I feel like there really is no hope for this issue - no, I'm quite sure of it. But how do I recover from such an intense thing while struggling with a deep depression that has consumed me all along during this time.
Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 21:57:59
In reply to HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
hi - sorry, I'm in a really rough place tonight, so I can't come up with any wise words, but just wanted you to know someone is thinking of you. Good luck. Trust can be soooo hard, but I think it's worth it to try to work towards it.
sunnydays
Posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 21:58:12
In reply to HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
Hi Iarosepetal,
Welcome
I'm sorry you had to deal with such a difficult time with therapy. Warning: I'm completely unexperienced and ignorant about client-T relationships. It sounds like your T got in over his head with you, and tried his best to mend the therapeutic relationship. Eventually he decided that it was irreparable, and terminated, because it was in the best interests of both him and you.I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can work with a new T and trust enough to share your story. You are articulate and I think that you can communicate it to your new T someday. A lot of people practice posting here and getting feedback before they work up the nerve to tell T something. Psycho-babble Psychology board is good for that.
I hope you will learn to recognize that your feelings for your [former] T are not wrong. And they're your feelings, so they're not your fault either. The T should have had a better grasp of the situation and helped you out of it in a less hurtful manner. With time, I think these wounds will heal. It may be a lot of work, but you deserve to get the treatment that will make you feel better about yourself.
best of luck, and don't be afraid to start slow with your new T. You can work on trust issues, and then use your story, as you've written it below to help the therapist understand where you're coming from.
Can you tell yourself that you're on the way to healing?
yours,
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 22:44:32
In reply to HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
Rosepetal: I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. I wish I was in a better postion to tell you something that could bring you some relief, but I'm struggling with the T relationship myself. I do think that you are brave, however, to have posted your story here -- You're trying to reach out to help yourself. I remember posting for the first time, and I was scared out of my mind. I still get jitters hitting the "confirm" button. But I also remember how panicked I was, to take that leap. I can understand the place you are posting from.
You have every reason to feel what you do. Sometimes I find that writing it out (or maybe slowly talking about it with your new T) helps a little -- at least in the alone hours. It brings it out of your head (and heart) a bit.
I would hope that another T could help you work through the trauma of your last relationship. Sometimes we only here of therapeutic failures, but I've heard of some truely lovely T's from the other posters on this board, and how they've helped them. It will be so hard, but I think you should give this new T a chance. Depression is hard enough on it's own -- you deserve another's help figuring all of it out.
Maybe you could have your last meeting with him as a joint meeting with your new T? It might not be as intense then. New T will know how to protect the setting, and get a detailed perspective on what you are leaving, and how horribly his leaving has hurt you.
Keep posting. You are not alone here. Others will relate :-)
Take care of yourself, Elaine
Posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 22:47:17
In reply to Re: HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 22:44:32
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2006, at 13:36:59
In reply to HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
It's a very sad but true fact of therapy that we often have to pay for a therapist's errors of judgement. In fact, we're usually the ones to pay in one way or another.
He was trying a form of therapy that he hadn't thought through clearly, and when he decided to do therapy differently, he changed the rules on you. And then was overwhelmed by your distress at that.
I wish we could make them pay for the therapy to help us to recover from their mistakes. Do you think it's possible for you to meet with him that one last time with your current therapist in the room?
I really am sorry.
Posted by iarosepetal on July 26, 2006, at 19:12:40
In reply to HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
I so appreciate your thoughts and words.
I, however, already know in my head and in my heart that although I may seek some basic therapy for my depression, anxiety, and grief issues in order to function in the real world, that I will never again share with another therapist my deepest self as I did with this person. I had to phone him today to set up our last appt. and just hearing his voice sent me straight to crying. And no, I doubt that I would meet with him and my present therapist together - there's too much at stake surrounding our previous employer that I will take no risk in any harm coming to him. That probably doesn't make sense to you all, but you'd need to know the situation - which I cannot post. Anyhows, it's sort of like we have an unspoken agreement that, no matter what, we do not wish to cause any further harm to one another. I guess that it's just something that, as they say, I need to "get over" and move on - but I will never get over this, never. We played with fire and both ended up getting burnt. I'd like to think that if we could try to finish where we left off, that everything would be okay, we would both learn great things and discover the abyss of feelings, but I may be wrong. I don't know anything anymore.
Posted by ElaineM on July 26, 2006, at 21:07:40
In reply to Re: HELP WITH ABANDONMENT, posted by iarosepetal on July 26, 2006, at 19:12:40
> ...although I may seek some basic therapy for my depression, anxiety, and grief issues in order to function in the real world, that I will never again share with another therapist my deepest self as I did with this person.
RosePetal: I'm glad that you have not written off the idea of therapy entirely. Perhaps, at some point, feelings of deep trust could slowly develope with someone else. I would never pressure you to rush into feelings like that again -- I don't think that that would be good either. Do you think that you would've felt such a powerful connection if he had been a female -- like, was the fact that he was a male T offering this primal bonding the thing that makes it hurt sooo terribly, or would you feel the same with a lady T? I always wonder if people think that the gender of their T changes the potential for connection, or even hurt. Sorry, I don't mean to pry. I understand that you don't want to get into it too much.
>>>I doubt that I would meet with him and my present therapist together - there's too much at stake surrounding our previous employer that I will take no risk in any harm coming to him. That probably doesn't make sense to you all, but you'd need to know the situation - which I cannot post.
Rosepetal, it makes perfect sense to me -- especially if you were professional collogues (or something like that). Even without explaining further, I can understand that you would still not want to hurt him, even though you are hurting so much yourself right now. It is hard to turn off love, or caring, when it's no longer technically appropriate (or ever was). I'm trying to be that robotic myself, and it's pretty difficult. Though it hardly seems fair that there is so much disparity in both your levels of suffering. I'm sorry I have no advice for you. But you don't have to justify your feelings to us.
>>I'd like to think that if we could try to finish where we left off, that everything would be okay, we would both learn great things and discover the abyss of feelings, but I may be wrong. I don't know anything anymore.
No wonder your world seems upside-down. You're in a situation where you feel you've been throughly shattered, but also have the "duty" to remain strong, and secretive (in a way).
I'm worried about you having another appointment with him. I'm not saying to not go, I'm just concerned. I don't want you to feel even more hurt. Let us know how your meeting goes. Whatever happens, (even if you think we wouldn't get it) I promise I will -- and I think alot of others would too.
take care, Elaine
This is the end of the thread.
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