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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
I’m so sad.
I wish it would go away.
I want to work things out with Bert and I’m less and less sure it’s possible. I think I need to find a way of accepting his distance or convincing him to stop pushing me away.
I don’t think it’s going to happen.
:(
:(
:(
Posted by orchid on June 19, 2006, at 19:18:28
In reply to Crash, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
> I’m so sad.
>
> I wish it would go away.
>
> I want to work things out with Bert and I’m less and less sure it’s possible. I think I need to find a way of accepting his distance or convincing him to stop pushing me away.
>
> I don’t think it’s going to happen.
>
> :(
> :(
> :(
>
>I feel for you. It is extremely painful, frustrating and heart breaking when Ts don't put the effort to help us out isn't it? I mean, it is just a little bit of effort on their part - that is all it takes really - take 5 - 10 mins to think about the particular client's issues and way of relating and adapt their style to help the clients the most. But some of them just don't do it. IT is too much for them for some reason, and there is nothing in the world that we can do to change that.
But the thing is, I think you perhaps know by now, seeing people around here, Ts don't really change all that much. Great Ts remain that way forever, and good Ts remain that way, and fair Ts and so on. Nothing we do really changes that.
Did you see what I had said in my babble mail to you about your T? I think it is really time for you to seek out a better one. If you want, you can choose a male T - that will make the hurt less.
But unfortunately, I do think, that trying to work it out with your T will probably frustrate you only more and more. But there is one way, where you can console yourself. You don't have to give him up forever. Just take a break from therapy with him, and find someone else. And you need not even mention it to your current T if you don't feel like. And then if that doesn't work out with the new T, you can just return back to your current T. I feel atleast, if you interview couple of more Ts, it will really give you a good insight onto what is available around.
What do you think?
Posted by annierose on June 19, 2006, at 20:03:13
In reply to Crash, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
I think your T wants/wishes he can work things out with you, but it's just outside his frame of reference. You are a deep thinker and your reflections may require him to think slightly differently as well.
I wish he was more psychodynamically orientated, but you can't change what he was taught. You can only work within his realm of expertise. Keep the dialogue going and see where it leads.
I'm sorry you feel so helpless right now. I hate that feeling.
Posted by ElaineM on June 19, 2006, at 20:48:43
In reply to Crash, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
Tamar:
I wish I could say something to help you, especially since you give out so much help yourself. You deserve a T who treats you better. From the bit I know of your T, he sounds like one of those "circular" talkers. That used to drive me crazy with the first woman I saw. It made it too hard to tell if she was really listening to what I was saying, or just hearing enough to deliver her next, predicatable line. I told her it made me feel like a brick, when I was supposed to be trying to learn how to be a more functional Human. It sounds as though your T likes the neutral language too.Have you ever asked him directly if he has any suggestions as to how he can seem more emotionally connected, or how he can seem more therapeutically caring (in a good way). Have you ever flat out asked if he cares about you, or your therapy? Maybe you could ask him questions about your "connectedness", like "Do you care about me?"(or whichever ones you're wondering about) and then tell him what you would say if you were a T, and then ask him what he thought of the exchange. (I'm sorry if this is all inappropriate, if so then just ignore it, I don't really know what questions aren't normally asked)
I know how hard it is to start all over again with someone else. You must feel so frustrated. I'm sorry you are so sad.
((((((Tamar))))))Thinking of you, Elaine
Posted by happyflower on June 19, 2006, at 21:09:43
In reply to Re: Crash, posted by ElaineM on June 19, 2006, at 20:48:43
Hi Tamar,
First of all I am sorry you are hurting so much and I know how hard of a decsion it was for you to do therapy with him again.
Now this is just a hunch, but I remember you talking about your intense love you had for him the first time around . Could it be that he remembers or knew this from the first time and he is now wanting to prevent you from getting too attached? So he is overcompensating this time? And since he seems so different than before, it hurts so much because you want the old T back?
Or maybe could it be that you have changed and maybe it has affected your view of him? I am just throwing out some guesses. But I have heard before that when you go back to a T that you have had therapy with before, that it does feel different, but it is usually because of your feelings have changed. Now I am just guessing here or offering some suggestions on what could be happening. I don't know, really, but could one of these things have anything to do with it? Well anyways, I guess it doesn't matter why, it just matters that you aren't getting what you need at the momement from him. ((((((Tamar))))) You are a smart women, and I know you know what is the best thing to do. if it was me, I would still try to connect with him since it hasn't been that long you have been seeing him the 2nd. time. Keep posting okay, and let us know how you are. When is your next appointment?
Posted by orchid on June 19, 2006, at 21:47:24
In reply to Crash, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
> I’m so sad.
>
> I wish it would go away.
>
> I want to work things out with Bert and I’m less and less sure it’s possible. I think I need to find a way of accepting his distance or convincing him to stop pushing me away.
>
> I don’t think it’s going to happen.
>
> :(
> :(
> :(
>
>
Now that I read HFs question, a similar question comes to my mind. Since you saw him before and were perfectly happy with him then, and now you are not so satisfied, is it possible, that he has developed some sort of counter transference towards you? I feel many Ts develop some view of their patients over time - and it might be or may not be sexual, but any feelings on the part of the T could be termed as counter transference. Maybe he views you as having developed too much insight and he is afraid of sounding dull for you. I actually many times feel little bit intimidated to write to you myself, since I feel whatever I say, you will probably know better anyways.Maybe he has some similar feelings himself, and that probably needs to be looked at.
Posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 22:37:50
In reply to Crash, posted by Tamar on June 19, 2006, at 18:56:20
I'm so sorry. Obviously, I understand.
How much more time are you allotted to see him, if therapy runs its course? I think I remember it's time limited?
I hate to say this, but do you think Babble might be adding to your dissatisfaction with him this time around? It's hard to hear of therapists trained to use the therapeutic relationship sometimes, and compare it to your own therapist.
My therapist stretched out of his comfort zone to treat me, and I think your therapist is trying, but is also trying to stick to the "rules" as he understands them.
I don't mean to be analytical about it.
I know it hurts. And that hurt doesn't go away just because you understand what's behind it.
It just hurts. And it's not fair.
This is the end of the thread.
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