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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
I know I'm much more depressed, and starting to feel kinda frantic, too, which don't bode well... Lemme see if I can tell y'all something about what's going on...
Here's the best I can manage: I feel pathetic, because in reading through some of my posts in the archives, I saw signs of a pattern of mine that bothers me a lot, and does make me feel pathetic. I walk into new situations, and ignore my gut. If I feel as though something's wrong, I say it's just me, it's just my hypervigilance, whatever. I say, "I will like these people," and try very hard to do just that. And it feels so damned pathetic. As though I'm standing there begging for them to approve, to do what they're supposed to do, I won't get hurt if I can just prove that I like them and am trying to earn their approval.
Y'all know that don't work, right?
This is all going back to that idiotic agency that treated me. It's been nearly two years now, and I am not over it, which also makes me feel pathetic. And today I realized that there's a little voice inside me stamping a foot and saying, "I'll show them!" But I have to let that go. I can't show them. But instead of feeling as though I'm invisible, or that I've failed, I just need to get to where they don't enter into my mind or my life at all. THEY are the ones who screwed up.
Although I don't believe that, of course. Even when I try to point out to myself that I was a psychiatric patient, and they were the mental health professionals. I still look back and see that it was my fault, that I wouldn't have been so hurt if I'd done things differently.
And about that part of the whole rumination, I get to feeling as though there's just no point. Honestly, I am not finding life worth living today.
On top of which, I have to see a cardiologist, and the one my doctor referred me to hasn't called me yet. And my pdoc won't refill my prescriptions until the cardiologist clears me, which is probably a big part of my current state. [does that Eureka/Hoover thing] a lot. I've already called the doctor's office once to ask what the hold up is, but still no one has contacted me. And I kinda have to hear next week, since I leave on a short trip the following week, and see pdoc just about as soon as I get back.
And then my beloved idiot of a husband just bought a new car today. Well, it's new to him, used car. I don't like it. He traded his Porsche 911 Turbo for a flash Mitsubishi that only a teenage boy would love. It's horrible. We test drove three cars at the dealership, this one and two Mercedes Benz. I liked the first Mercedes best, and lobbied heavily for it. Drove better, lower miles, $1000 more with lower payments, and just more comfortable all around. Even had dual climate zones. Nope. He had to have higher HP, in order to enjoy his ten minute commute to work.
And I feel so guilty that I can't just celebrate wiht him, and be happy that he's got a new car. But I can't. Doubt I could even without this...
Anyway, I went through the archives yesterday, and found my old posts, and copied andpasted them into a Word document, which I am now editing to take to my therapist, so that I can talk about the parts that bother me. Like, you know, ignoring my gut; not speaking up early on about problems; etc.
I just feel so damned pathetic.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2006, at 10:02:30
In reply to I feel so pathetic, posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
> Anyway, I went through the archives yesterday, and found my old posts, and copied andpasted them into a Word document, which I am now editing to take to my therapist, so that I can talk about the parts that bother me. Like, you know, ignoring my gut; not speaking up early on about problems; etc.
>
> I just feel so damned pathetic.{{{{{{{{little Racer}}}}}}}}
You feel yucky because you paralyze yourself, right dead square in the yuck. Do you feel that? That's what I think I see. Like you've paused the video.
But what would be next, if you let the tape (life itself) play again? What if you honoured your gut, in the very next instant?
You have an opportunity, at every instant, including this yucky persistent instant, to honour your gut.
It sounds hokey, sometimes, but picture you, your adult self, as you see yourself now, taking your image of your little self, the one you remember yourself as, when you think of your child self, and hold her the way you wish you had been held. The way you know you can comfort a child today. Just do it, in your mind. Give her the very best hug you have. And hold her, until she's ready to leave your embrace on her own.
I feel so (Em)pathetic.
Lar
Posted by fairywings on May 28, 2006, at 17:18:43
In reply to I feel so pathetic, posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
(((Racer)))
I don't know if I'm completely out of line, or completely off base saying this, but it sounds like the two types of situations are connected - proving you have to like people, and the car situation. Sounds like you feel bad about standing your ground. Maybe old tapes stifling you; telling you it's not okay to feel the way you do?
You're not pathetic. Could it be you're too concerned with other peoples feelings, and putting yourself 2nd, or last?
hugs,
fw
Posted by Jost on May 28, 2006, at 19:38:45
In reply to Re: I feel so pathetic » Racer, posted by fairywings on May 28, 2006, at 17:18:43
Larry has a point, Racer. Maybe you should give yourself a break.
Maybe you just can argue with it a little and then give yourself permission to ride it out. It ends, if you let it go, or just go with it until it does.I'm curious: how did the decision get made to buy the car your husband wanted and not the car you did? Is it for the reason suggested? Are you mad at yourself for giving in and now feeling powerless and put down (by him and yourself)?
If so, we all do it--and struggle with standing up for our vision, and values, and just, well, what we want-- for which, by the way, we do have valid reasons-- You're not alone, in that,
Jost
Posted by ClearSkies on May 28, 2006, at 22:00:42
In reply to I feel so pathetic, posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
So, when was the last time you listened to your gut and followed your intuition?
What were you doing, and how did it feel?It's hard, really hard, to learn to trust your instinct. Especially if you think that by doing so, you'll be letting others down. I write it down every time I do follow my intuition, just jot it down in my journal. Then I look back after a few weeks and see how I feel about it. It never fails to make me smile and feel a smidgen stronger. Honestly, it makes me feel smug. An "I told you so" to myself.
ClearSkies
Posted by muffled on May 28, 2006, at 23:08:04
In reply to I feel so pathetic, posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 29, 2006, at 11:56:56
In reply to Re: I feel so pathetic, posted by Jost on May 28, 2006, at 19:38:45
> Larry has a point, Racer. Maybe you should give yourself a break.
Maybe I used too many words.
The decision to make is to look in, not out. For your comfort.
It was always that decision.
And it will remain that decision, until you pick the right one.
Look in, for comfort. Not out.
When you do look in, make it as good as you can make it.
You'll get better at it. But there has to be a start.
Lar
Posted by Jost on May 29, 2006, at 23:14:34
In reply to Re: I feel so empathetic » Jost, posted by Larry Hoover on May 29, 2006, at 11:56:56
> > Larry has a point, Racer. Maybe you should give yourself a break.
>
> Maybe I used too many words.
>
> The decision to make is to look in, not out. For your comfort.
>
> It was always that decision.
>
> And it will remain that decision, until you pick the right one.
>
> Look in, for comfort. Not out.
>
> When you do look in, make it as good as you can make it.
>
> You'll get better at it. But there has to be a start.
>
> LarHi, Lar. Hope I didn't misunderstand your meaning.
I really agree with what you say here-- it's hard, but I was thinking today that part of what Ts can do is help us, ultimateily, learn to comfort ourselves. Sometimes doing it for someone helps them to learn, but ultimately, they have to find a way of doing it for themselves. It can be very hard, though.
(Hope I didn't misunderstand this, too.)
Jost
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 7:18:11
In reply to Re: I feel so empathetic, posted by Jost on May 29, 2006, at 23:14:34
> I really agree with what you say here-- it's hard, but I was thinking today that part of what Ts can do is help us, ultimateily, learn to comfort ourselves. Sometimes doing it for someone helps them to learn, but ultimately, they have to find a way of doing it for themselves. It can be very hard, though.
>
> (Hope I didn't misunderstand this, too.)
>
> JostPlease, my repost of what I meant was different than the first. It was not a correction. Of you. Of me. Of anything. It was more and different words.
Ummmm, the unltimate price of abuse is loss of authenticity.
Whatever you are, whatever it is, it cannot be good enough. So you give up on trying to meet your needs, and you turn to others. That's what the abuser wanted, all along.
Maybe, if they're getting what they say they want, I can be happy for that?
But that doesn't work.
Nor does getting things you think you want. Because the thing you really want cannot come to pass. It has been abused out of you. The flow is interrupted.
Inside is a scared, lonely, uncomfortable, perhaps even inconsolable sense of self. The inner child of abuse is all of these, and more.
She can't listen to reason. Words got her there. She can't listen to words meant to express comfort. They're just words, and she got tricked before. But, the real comfort is in that mental hug. A hug is the most literal way I know of telling someone that the only thing that matters right then is the unconditional acceptance of the embrace of the self within it. It is an attempt to surround another being with yourself. A powerful symbol that from every direction, every angle of view, the person being hugged is accepted and cherished. And if those beings are both you, you reconnect the broken flow.
The inner child is an illusion. A representation of a part of the psyche. Perhaps, calling it a myth is valid, if there are negative consequences of believing in its separateness. It is not separate. It is within. It isn't really distinct at all, even though we can draw an image of it, as a distinct entity. That, too, can sometimes block the flow.
Just as the inner child is a symbol, so is the hugging of the inner child. The gulf between melts away.
Healthy parenting teaches children that they are now, and will always be, fine and acceptable human beings. Just as they are. Not perfect. Just the way they are. Human. It is okay to be human. It is okay to be good enough.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 7:51:34
In reply to Re: I feel so empathetic » Jost, posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 7:18:11
> Ummmm, the unltimate price of abuse is loss of authenticity.
heh, ultimate....
I think I almost started to say unlimit/unlimate(sic).
Words. They're fun/funny.
Lar
This is the end of the thread.
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