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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
I asked my husband the other day if he thought therapy had helped me. If he had seen progress. His answer, "It's hard to say." That sounded like a "no" to me. He really didn't offer much else, perhaps because he was afraid to hurt my feelings? I didn't press him.
But it got me thinking. I feel that I've made progress, at least in my thoughts and feelings. I've learned to better sort out what's what, and I don't project as much as I used to. That makes it easier for me to interact with others without feeling all muddled up with complications that don't really need to be there. I feel simpler. Lighter.
Now, I'm not sure how much of this shows in behavior. And of course, there have been ups and downs.
Hmm, maybe my husband only really has one criteria: finishing the D-word. If so, that's rather narrow of him.
Anyone else in this dilemma? You feel better, but others don't think therapy has helped?
Anyone noticed changes in me here? (Okay, clearly I still need external validation). :)
gg
Posted by fallsfall on April 2, 2006, at 12:17:31
In reply to Others' impression of your progress, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
Why isn't enough for you to feel better? Why do other people need to see anything at all?
You are worth it.
Posted by annierose on April 2, 2006, at 13:34:25
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on April 2, 2006, at 12:17:31
I understand why you need that. And yes, on the boards you are more self-confident and tend to argue less (especially on admin) --- although I must admit, I loved when someone decided to challenge you. I loved how you replied, with wit, intelligence and the like.
My husband does tell me that I'm so much happier since going to therapy. But on the other hand, he sees I'm harder on him (as it should be). Even my kids notice I'm listening better. AND ... my landlord (of all people) said at a luncheon meeting (my lease is up @ work), "Annie, you seem so much happier lately. I don't know what it is about you, but all your angst is gone."
So I have received that validation, and that is nice. I know what you mean when you say you feel lighter. Yes, that is so true. Life is less of a burden. I'm not carrying around so much baggage --- except those last dark crevices that I need to clean out and those last 10 pounds I'd love to lose!!
Maybe your husband doesn't like all the changes, or wishes the changes were different. Ask him if you seem lighter in tone?
Posted by Racer on April 2, 2006, at 14:41:31
In reply to Others' impression of your progress, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
Could be your husband is looking at how closely you conform to a norm he's set based on his own criteria. The more you are Like Him, the "better" you obviously are. The D word enters into it, but you know what? Those things you and I were talking about the other day? Those might, too...
Just watching what I can see, I see clear signs of improvement in you. In just about every area you care to name, but you know what else? I'm also seeing rapid improvements now, too. Seems like just about every time I talk to you, there's something new, another new strength, another newly defined psychological muscle.
You know? That's kinda scary...
Never mind. What I'm trying to say is to check on the standard he's using. If it's based half on finishing your D and half on getting somewhere on time, then maybe that isn't the same standard you're using, huh?
Posted by LadyBug on April 2, 2006, at 15:01:36
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress, posted by annierose on April 2, 2006, at 13:34:25
Oh, my family would tell you that I'm worse!!!
But what they don't realize is the hell I've been through because of my marriage, (well actually they do know). Without my T. I would have snapped a long time ago.
What I know is that much of the change has occured on the "inside" and no one can feel how that feels to me so they wouldn't notice the changes I've made. My T. knows me, and we both comment on how much I've changed. That's about all that matters to me right now. What I feel inside and how I used to feel. It is a huge difference.
I'm sure you've grown gardengirl. I think that our loved ones tend to look at our weeknesses instead of our strengths.
So do you think you've made progress? Progress is hard to make and not without pain. The pain is what my girls have witnessed in me and so they blame it on my T. They actually don't like her at all. Many times I have come home from seeing her feeling very sad and depressed. So they'd blame it on her. I've been with her now for over 9 years. At times I ask her if I'm a slow learner, and she says this work takes time, it is a process and everyone does it in their own time frame.
LadyBug
Posted by Poet on April 2, 2006, at 16:01:25
In reply to Others' impression of your progress, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
Hi GG,
I can understand you wanting your husband to tell you that he sees how much progress you have made in therapy. You are feeling it and want to know if he has noticed.
Well, I have noticed. You are questioning yourself much less. In other words, dare I say it, you have self confidence that a year or so ago your posts didn't show.
I know my husband thinks that I have made no progress in therapy, but I know that's because he still hears me say all the negative things about myself. So does my T, but she can tell me other things about myself that have changed for the better. My husband has no idea of what goes on in therapy, so he probably thinks I should have been done with it after a few sessions.
Anyway, you have made progress. Be certain of it, okay?
Poet
Posted by kerria on April 2, 2006, at 23:20:27
In reply to Others' impression of your progress, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
My h always says that i'm no better whether i'm having therapy or not. He says that nothing can make me better:(
He hasn't seen any changes- but he doesn't see so much of my parts and so much of what happens with me. h never saw me cry for an hour outside Ts office or understand how much less confusing it is that i know about parts so i don't think the world keeps changing and everything is a constantly changing mess.
kerria
Posted by fairywings on April 3, 2006, at 16:34:14
In reply to Others' impression of your progress, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 10:26:01
Hi GG,
Seems to me that quite awhile ago you talked about crying a lot in your sessions, and other than the really rough time you went through recently, seems you've talked less about crying - at least the whole session, snotty nosed, red eyed crying. Also seems to me that you've indicated feeling stronger and your T helping you through a lot of situations and feelings, and then there was a time when you thought maybe you were ready to terminate. Sounds like progress.
I like to get external validation too, but sometimes the ones closest to us see, and experience, those ups and DOWNS you talked about. Sometimes those closest to us aren't as sympathetic as they could be, or not as helpful as they could be during those times. And then they have their own issues, and sometimes feel like they're not getting their needs met. Sometimes those closest to us just seem downright selfish, and when we want a little objectivity we don't get it from them.
Maybe you could ask your T what kind of progress he's seen? I guess he might turn that back on you though. ; ) If you were your own client, would you say you'd made progress? ; ) I think you have.
(((GG)))
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:10:02
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on April 2, 2006, at 12:17:31
> Why isn't enough for you to feel better? Why do other people need to see anything at all?
>
> You are worth it.Sigh. Well, I've been so used to looking into "mirrors" for validation. It's still scary to "leave the house" without checking in the mirror. But I do occasionally feel confident that I "look just fine" and don't need to check to be sure. That's a good feeling when it happens. Or rather, it's good not to be worrying about it. :)
Hope that metaphor works.
And what's with the "A thingy", by the way? Did I miss something?
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:16:35
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress, posted by annierose on April 2, 2006, at 13:34:25
> I understand why you need that. And yes, on the boards you are more self-confident and tend to argue less (especially on admin) --- although I must admit, I loved when someone decided to challenge you. I loved how you replied, with wit, intelligence and the like.
Thanks. I'm still tempted occasionally. But I close the posting window in the middle more often now. :)
>> So I have received that validation, and that is nice. I know what you mean when you say you feel lighter. Yes, that is so true. Life is less of a burden. I'm not carrying around so much baggage --- except those last dark crevices that I need to clean out and those last 10 pounds I'd love to lose!!
I'm glad you've had that validation and that you're feeling lighter, too. I used to think that no matter how many places I set that baggage down, it always seemed to chase me down and leap back on. Baggage, step away from the person! :) And yes, those dark crevices...mine need light yet.
>
> Maybe your husband doesn't like all the changes, or wishes the changes were different. Ask him if you seem lighter in tone?I think I will. Or maybe I'll just let it be, knowing that I know how I feel, and that's enough. Of course, I'd love to ask my T which way is "the right way". Learning to tolerate uncertainty has been tough.
Thanks again for your feedback and for sharing your own progress.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:24:12
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by Racer on April 2, 2006, at 14:41:31
> Could be your husband is looking at how closely you conform to a norm he's set based on his own criteria.
Yeah, I suspect it's more of the process/outcome difference again. So much we differ on seems to come down to that. So I suppose I need to set my own criteria and trust the process is leading me to a good outcome.
> Just watching what I can see, I see clear signs of improvement in you.Thanks for saying that. I feel good when I'm figuring stuff out on my own, and I seem to have less need to make sure to "check it out" with my T. Although I'm checking it out with others now. Progress, still. :)
> You know? That's kinda scary...Yeah it is.
>Of course, those standards you mentioned are good, too. That's the thing that still annoys me when I get frustrated with therapy and get into my "insight/schminsight mood.
And of course thinking about where getting better leads? Now THAT's scary. (Run away! Run away!)
Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:26:39
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress, posted by LadyBug on April 2, 2006, at 15:01:36
Hi ladybug,
It's hard to communicate sometimes just how it feels inside, isn't it? I'm glad you feel it and honor it, even if your family can't see it. That's a good model for me to aspire to. And you're T sounds like a real keeper. I'm glad you have a good working relationship with her.Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:40:00
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on April 2, 2006, at 16:01:25
Thanks Poet. I value your impressions. You know, your posts reminds me some of how many of us struggle with accepting a compliment gracefully. I know I tend to immediately minimize it or point out some other flaw/weakness in response.
I wonder if there's a similar feeling about feeling good about progress in a way. Is it such habit for us to blow right by that and to look at what's "still wrong", like you mentioned, that we don't stop to appreciate where we're at? Of course, I also worry whether it's even real or if I'm just trying to convince myself, sometimes. You know, self-doubt really stinks.
Sorry to go off into a pondering...but thought-provoking is good. Thanks!
I'm glad your T helps you counter the negatives. That can be so painful to think all the time. And I can say without reservation that I *positively* loved meeting you in person and found you to be *positively* darling. :)
Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:46:40
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by kerria on April 2, 2006, at 23:20:27
Hi kerria,
It's good to see you here. I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't seem to understand and doesn't see your improvement. It's really hard. Sometimes I share with my husband when I've had a rough session, and sometimes I just try to stuff it all back inside. I suppose both are appropriate at times.I hope you find some comfort in being part of this community. Although none of us can ever truly know and understand each others' experiences, I do think we have a greater understanding due to what we do have in common.
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:54:16
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » gardenergirl, posted by fairywings on April 3, 2006, at 16:34:14
Hmmm, you're right, I'm not crying as much in sessions. Which means when I do start to cry, it's more helpful, because I know it's something significant. And we talked about termination more in my session this week. I didn't come right out and ask him about progress, but I did admit I was dancing around wanting to ask him if he thought I was getting better enough to think about stopping. And then I felt all young and vulnerable and needing validation. I told him I'd just posted this subject, so clearly it's an issue for me. :)
And it was great to hear my T talk about the importance of taking enough time to terminate. Although there's a part of me that just wants to stop without getting into that. But I know there are feelings there about it. Darn it.:)
>
>
And you're so right about what others are filtering their impressions through, as far as seeing ups and downs, and having all their own stuff. I have to admit, I didn't really think about it from that perspective. My husband has his own needs and stuff about how he needs me to be. That may or may not match my own needs, but it's how he looks at it. Very good point to bring up, thanks.gg
Posted by fairywings on April 4, 2006, at 20:23:26
In reply to Re: Others' impression of your progress » fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:54:16
> And it was great to hear my T talk about the importance of taking enough time to terminate. Although there's a part of me that just wants to stop without getting into that. But I know there are feelings there about it. Darn it.:)
Yeah, those doggone FEELINGS - why do they have to be so complicated?!!! ; ) Termination....bleh...I even hate thinking about it!fw
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