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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
I dreamed I raped my therapist.
There it is. I wrote. I know I have to tell him, but how do you tell him this? I sort of remember the details --
I was late and scared and the hallways were dark. I walked into the office of the group therapist but I was going to see my therapist. I was shaking I was so angry. I don't think I had a weapon, I honestly don't know what came next, but the next horrible, horrible picture is me raping my therapist. Only -- I was a guy. I was me, but I wasn't me, I was a man. So the rape was even worse because I, well, I can't even write that part.
The only other part I remember is standing outside in the dark hallway shouting back, "I told you I was evil." And crying.
Have I completely gone off the deep end now? I'm so depressed today.
Posted by All Done on March 30, 2006, at 16:43:07
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
(((Daisy))),
I'm sorry it's so hard.
Two weeks ago, I had a dream that my T raped someone and was being taken to jail in handcuffs. It was a high profile case and there were people and cameras all around. Everyone was screaming *about* him, and I was in the middle screaming *at* him, "how could you do this to me?" He said, "you can still come see me." I was so appalled and angry at him. I don't think I've actually ever experienced that much anger in my waking life. I woke up feeling horrible.
I think...because of the intensity of our relationsips with our therapists, it brings up or out these sometimes unbearably intense unconcious thoughts and trigger so many old, deep feelings that there's no place other than our dreams for them to come out. Maybe our dreams protect us from experiencing too much pain while we're awake. I don't know.
I wish I could help, but I can reassure you that you are not evil. You are not bad. And you are not harming your therapist. He is there for you to unload your past trauma. You are NOT doing to him what was done to you.
Let him help you through this.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on March 30, 2006, at 16:44:54
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
Posted by annierose on March 30, 2006, at 17:13:54
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
I hope you were able to share that dream with your T. He will help you sort it out. I know how upsetting these types of dreams are --- waking up feeling betrayed by our place of rest.
Maybe you are feeling more powerful in therapy lately, able to tackle the sexual issues.
You are not evil. He is not evil. But evil was done to you. You are not responsible.
I hope you are in a safe place tonight, or feeling safe within yourself.
(((((Daisy)))))))
Posted by madeline on March 30, 2006, at 17:38:52
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
I don't think this is a bad dream at all. I think it just represents on some level that you are afraid you are hurting your therapist by going to group, or feeling so needy or whatever. And your mind may simply be associating that hurt with a hurt you know all too well.
Alternatively, rape as we all know, is about control and power. Maybe some of the neediness you've expressed is some unconcious desire to control your therapist more.
I know the "dream residue" can be awful in the day, but just try and use this dream to tell you something about the relationship between you and your therapist.
I think he will be VERY interested in it.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Posted by orchid on March 30, 2006, at 17:50:45
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
I think you are perhaps imagining yourself in as your dad and projecting yourself as your therapist. I think it is just a step in your working out your issues with your csa and not really about your therapist and you.
In any case, it is not evil - dreams are a mixture of so many things - bits and pieces from different points and experiences in our life and it is hard to think of one as evil or not based on one's dreams.
Posted by orchid on March 30, 2006, at 17:52:07
In reply to Re: Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger » daisym, posted by orchid on March 30, 2006, at 17:50:45
> I think you are perhaps imagining yourself in as your dad and projecting yourself as your therapist. I think it is just a step in your working out your issues with your csa and not really about your therapist and you.
I meant you are thinkig of your dad as you, and the real you as your therapist.
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:09:53
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
(((((((((((((daisy)))))))))))))
what a traumatic dream. but remember...it's just that. a dream. it's not real though it may feel it.
i agree with what some of the others said. rape is about control and power. maybe making yourself the rapist is easier than being the 'victim'. either way i think you are close to a break through regarding some issues/feelings about some csa. i think it is very important that you let it out, talk about this with your therpist, to explore this more. if he is half as good as you say then he will be very pleased you disclosed this to him. and i think talking about it is exactly what you need to do.and fyi, you are NOT evil. the farthest from it. Remember that!
hugs
b2c.
Posted by AuntieMel on March 31, 2006, at 14:02:26
In reply to Nightmare - sexually horrible -- big trigger, posted by daisym on March 30, 2006, at 15:23:09
Maybe your brain is begining to 'get it' that rape is about the violence and not about the sex. And that the person who *does* it is the evil one, and not the victim.
I'm sorry this feels so horrible, but it sounds to me like it is progress.
This is the end of the thread.
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