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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 11:37:39
i'm feeling really really low, i can't stop crying.
i had a session today with my T and he started by asking me what i understand by reciprocity, basically implying that in my relationships i just take take take and never give (which is not true at all). then he went on to imply that i'm doing everything wrong, not talking enough about myself etc.
then he reminded me that next week is our last session. this is how it works....he gives me 4 or so sessions and then i decide whether or not i want to continue. but apparently he had decided that it should end there.
so i said what he wanted me to say, that i guess i just can't do this, i'm not capable of it. he said maybe i'm not ready. yeah whatever, i need to be ready, therapy was my only hope and he's gone and taken that away too.
to be honest i feel like he never gave me a fair chance anyway, that's why i could never trust him.the last bit of pride in me refused to let me show how hurt i was. i just sat there silently and when he said i look like i've given up, i said i have. but what i really feel is, he made me give up.
after a while i started crying and i could just tell he was so sick of me by then. he was like 'we have a few more minutes...i don't know if there's anything you want to say' in the tone of 'stupid cry baby, i just want to go home'.
he got up and finally i did too and we went downstairs. he shook my hand saying 'i'll see you next week for the last session' and i said i don't think so. he was so casual about it, that hurts so much. i started crying again. he said the session would be open for me and he'd be expecting me. but to be honest i don't see the point of going. i'm so angry and hurt, and even if i went, what could one session change? since that's all he has time for. i really feel like this was my last chance at getting better and i just screwed it up.
Posted by B2chica on February 28, 2006, at 11:45:40
In reply to i can't do it anymore, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 11:37:39
(((((((asmita)))))))))
it sounds to me like you need to find another T.
this one sounds awful. why would he encourage you to NOT seek help when you obviously not only are aware you need assitance but are openly seeking it!it sounds like he couldn't help you even if he tried.
either way, you two didn't connect and to me that is essential to being able to open up and get the help you need/want.
i would cry too if my t said such things.and you DID NOT SCREW IT UP!!!
but it sounds like he is one.please look for someone else if you don't want to go back to him. i think you are getting overwhelmed by your emotions and you need someone caring and understanding to help you carefully let out and explore your feelings.
cares
b2c.
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 12:00:02
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » asmita, posted by B2chica on February 28, 2006, at 11:45:40
B2chica, thanks for your reply.
i don't really know. i guess he's given me a chance, and he's been caring and understanding sometimes. but i've spent a lot of the sessions not really talking much. i never really opened up and he doesn't seem to understand why.
a few weeks ago he said he admitted that he had been floundering a bit, wondering how to work best with me. but he assured me that he's there for me and not trying to get rid of me. yet, i still feel like he is.
that's why i feel like i screwed up... maybe i could've put more effort into opening up and talking about my feelings? maybe i should've just decided to trust him...
the worst thing is, i still feel really strongly about him, i don't know why i care about him so much...and what hurts the most is knowing that if i don't go next week i'll never see him again and even if i do, it'll be the last time.
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 28, 2006, at 12:32:05
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » B2chica, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 12:00:02
> i never really opened up and he doesn't seem to understand why.
> a few weeks ago he said he admitted that he had been floundering a bit, wondering how to work best with me. but he assured me that he's there for me and not trying to get rid of me. yet, i still feel like he is.This is not your fault -- it's his for not being able to figure it out. I sat on my therapist's couch for FOUR YEARS before I could speak. And I mean speak at all. We sat there, week after week, not saying a word beyond hello and goodbye. She invited me to talk, she encouraged me to talk, but she never forced me. That would have been a technique used by my mother. I had to know that therapy was safe, that I was in control, that SHE was safe for me. And she was.
I'm sorry this therapist hasn't figured out how to be safe for you.
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 13:06:20
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » asmita, posted by TherapyGirl on February 28, 2006, at 12:32:05
4 years is a long time. maybe he was pushing me because we don't have that much time...it's max 2 years at this place. sometimes i'd come in and we'd just sit staring at each other or at the walls and he might say something like, it's up to me to decide what i want to talk about and he won't pressure me. other times he encouraged me to talk. and sometimes he just seemed like he'd given up on me, started falling asleep, etc.
i don't know if i can blame him for not figuring me out when he barely knows anything about me besides the bare facts. i think he resents me for not trusting him after all this time...and because of that he can be insensitive. like today when he was saying all this stuff about reciprocal relationships, referring to me and him, saying that if i don't put anything in, i won't get anything out of therapy. he seems to think i go in there and sit silently just for fun and games. he should know that if i really couldn't give a sh!t and wasn't willing to put any effort in, i wouldn't have started crying when he said next week would be our last session. i was a real mess when i left. i hate that it all had to end this way.
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 28, 2006, at 13:16:38
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » TherapyGirl, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 13:06:20
> 4 years is a long time. maybe he was pushing me because we don't have that much time...it's max 2 years at this place. sometimes i'd come in and we'd just sit staring at each other or at the walls and he might say something like, it's up to me to decide what i want to talk about and he won't pressure me. other times he encouraged me to talk. and sometimes he just seemed like he'd given up on me, started falling asleep, etc.
>
> i don't know if i can blame him for not figuring me out when he barely knows anything about me besides the bare facts. i think he resents me for not trusting him after all this time...and because of that he can be insensitive. like today when he was saying all this stuff about reciprocal relationships, referring to me and him, saying that if i don't put anything in, i won't get anything out of therapy. he seems to think i go in there and sit silently just for fun and games. he should know that if i really couldn't give a sh!t and wasn't willing to put any effort in, i wouldn't have started crying when he said next week would be our last session. i was a real mess when i left. i hate that it all had to end this way.I hear you, Asmita. And I understand your frustration and his -- I'm just wondering if there is some other answer for you, instead of his ending the therapy. It sounds like you want to stick it out with him? If so, is there some other way you can try to communicate with him? Writing, art?
And you're right -- four years is a long time. But it was the right amount of time for me.
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 13:49:51
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore, posted by TherapyGirl on February 28, 2006, at 13:16:38
i do want to stick it out with him... i felt like i was starting to make some kind of progress toward trusting him. just seeing him every week, even if i didn't say much, it gave me a feeling of security i guess. the main reasons i want to stick with him are pretty obvious...first of all, i really need some help and without therapy i would begin to lose hope. but also i have some feelings for him. it's hard to say which is the more important reason to me. the thing is, he seems to have given up, probably already did a long time ago...and in that case i don't want to continue. but anyway, thanks for your help and for listening.
Posted by sleepygirl on February 28, 2006, at 15:17:45
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » TherapyGirl, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 13:49:51
oh boy, this really sounds like it hurts
Your post really touched me because I had such a hard time in the beginning of therapy talking, some of us just do (and going through that, by the way, is "work")
I feel like you're saying like he's impatient with you, feeling like you're not giving enough, resisting help or something. "Resistance" as they call it, is not a bad thing, not intentional, not about you not wanting it bad enough, or some negative connotation about you. It's whatever gets in the way for you, and also ulimately the work of therapy because that's likely what might get between you and a lot of other things in life.
For whatever reason he doesn't want to stick it out, I don't know what his reasons are, or how he works, but I'm not sure he's appreciating how hard this might be for you.
I think you should go to that last session, and tell him what you've said here.
Posted by sleepygirl on February 28, 2006, at 15:20:51
In reply to i can't do it anymore, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 11:37:39
I just re-read your post...Is he wanting you to state that you want more sessions with him? is that what this decision time is about? He really sounds kind of harsh.. However this goes I hope you clarify things with him.
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2006, at 16:06:26
In reply to i can't do it anymore, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 11:37:39
It's not your last hope. Consider him the first of your try out therapists. It's like dating. The first one you see may not be a keeper.
He doesn't sound like much of a keeper.
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2006, at 16:08:59
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » asmita, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2006, at 16:06:26
I thought you had just had a couple of sessions.
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 16:27:48
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » asmita, posted by sleepygirl on February 28, 2006, at 15:17:45
i think he really doesn't understand why i find it so hard to talk about myself... probably because he has no problem talking himself. and i also think trust should be built up over time... he doesn't seem to have patience for that, like you said. (in that respect he reminds me of my ex....) anyway, he really doesn't realise how hard it is for me, although i have tried to tell him and he has reassuring kind words that make it seem like he understands. i don't know if his reasons for wanting to stop therapy with me are anything to do with not wanting to deal with me and generally not liking me (which is what it feels like)...maybe he just doesn't think he can help me. which is really sad...because then who can?
it's only been about 6 months since i've started seeing him, so we've not come anywhere near the 2 year limit...i suppose i could ask him for more sessions and i'm pretty sure he wouldn't be harsh enough to decline. i just don't know if it's a good idea...i want to keep seeing him, but i don't know if it's because i really believe he can help me or because i just really like him. i'm already so attached to him, and that's already caused me so much pain...today felt like he was 'breaking up' with me...therapy is surely not meant to make me feel like that?
Posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 16:35:56
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » asmita, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2006, at 16:06:26
yeah, i guess he's not my last hope on earth... it's just, i really thought he could help me and i invested a lot of hope in that. isn't that what everyone does with their T's? and stupid me, i got too attached...if it's like dating, i can't expect too much...never been too good at that either.
Posted by sleepygirl on February 28, 2006, at 17:55:54
In reply to Re: i can't do it anymore » sleepygirl, posted by asmita on February 28, 2006, at 16:27:48
I don't envy the position you're in. I think you might benefit from this with him if you really try to hash it out with him...at this point, why not?
You deserve to be heard you know, and I'm not sure you have felt heard, I don't know.
Something's not working though, something major.
I don't think it's a question of him "not liking" you, but rather of you two not connecting like you might need to (for whatever reason). I wonder sometimes if that fear of not being liked gets in a lot of people's way when they try to talk in therapy. A friend of mine used to say all the time "You always have to not care a little.", meaning you have to forget yourself enough to be able to comfortable in whatever you do. That fear of being rejected can be HUGE, and feeling like that's what is happening can be really painful, but you have to know that sometimes people just don't meet each other where they might do well together.
I know it's hard. Let him know. Whatever happens you might feel better for it. If you have to find another therapist, you might find one you can connect to more, I don't know. You are absolutely able to be helped my dear, absolutely.
Like so many people say here ;-)........you might want to print your posts and show them to him
all the best,
sleepygirl
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